June 9, 2009 Tuesday Night

Got up and got through the morning chores and was at my appointment at ARCW with a person to file the paperwork to appeal the social security denial. Filing this appeal is the first step. This makes social security look again at my case and make another decision. If social security denies it again then I will have to ask for a hearing. ARCW will help me through to the end even if it goes to a hearing. Very grateful for ARCW here in Milwaukee. Got home and rested for a little while till the sun showing through the blinds told me I had to get up and do something. First thought was how dirty the windows were so I got outside and washed them. Since I had the ladder out I painted a little red accent on the garage so now it is green, white and red, Italian colors for Tony. Tony didn't even notice it till I pointed it out after he got home. Drove to the local greenhouse down the road and bought some flowers for the back yard pots and planted them. Also bought a pond plant that floats in the pond. The fish love it. I know from experience to just buy one plant because by the end of the summer I am pulling them out of the pond because they have spread so much. Funny story. The lady who use to run the greenhouse died about a year ago. It is now run by someone else. That is obviously not the funny part of the story. Anyway, I told the new owner that I will always remember the old owner by what she said to me one year when I was buying pond plants. I always bought them to soon in the season and they always died and had to be replaced due to the cold nights. She finally the year before she died told me I will know when it is OK to put pond plants in the pond when I can stand outside naked in the middle of the night and not freeze my wiener off. She had a very dirty sense of humor. She was well loved and missed. After planting the plants I scraped some paint off a small area of the house so I can hopefully paint it tomorrow in my never ending quest to paint the house trim this summer. When Tony got home we went to the Harley Davidson Museum for a Car Show. It is not far from home in downtown Milwaukee. It was the perfect size car show. Enough for Tony to be happy and not too many for me to get bored. Plus the Harley Bikers make it much more visually appealing. Ate at the show. Had a brat and chips. Now just watching a little TV till it is time to go to bed. Tomorrow I just have to take Stella to an afternoon vet appointment so they can hopefully test her blood for the last time since she was having problems with her white count. I sure hope this is the last test for her, it's getting a little expensive with the vets lately.

I need to come up with a catchy end phrase to end each blog. Looking for suggestions. You know like 'Seacrest Out', or Better Tomorrows, etc. I will look for your suggestions.

June 8, 2009 Monday Night

We did end up going to Racine (Jo's stomping ground) for a huge car show along the Racine Lake Front. It was huge. I think I must have walked about 10 miles looking at the cars. To me, they all start to look alike. We spent a couple hours at the car show till my dirty looks at Tony showing him how bored I was finally got to him. On the way down to Racine I played with my new cell phone that I purchased on Saturday because my old cell phone needed a battery which would cost as much as a new phone. On the way back from Racine we stopped about half way home at an Ace Hardware store so I could run in and buy some bird food. We got home about 5 PM. About an hour later I started looking for my BRAND NEW cell phone. Nowhere. No where! After about an hour of loosing it because I still had not gotten even one call yet on the phone much less made one, and now I had to call Sprint and suspend the service till I find the phone or buy a new one which now will be at full price ($200). I was so pissed. I was laying on the bed about an hour later and Tony walked in telling me how when we were at Ace Hardware he notice a motorcycle guy pick up something and then set it against a pole. Thinking this just might have been my cell phone we drove the half hour to South Milwaukee to the Ace Hardware store to see if we could find my phone, if that was even the place I lost it at. We drove into the parking lot and there sitting on the pole, just as Tony had seen, was my Brand New Cell Phone.
I guess there is a God. Got home around 8:30 and went to bed around 10 PM. Was so happy I didn't have to go buy another phone.

Woke up to thunderstorms here in Milwaukee this morning. Got myself to my Monday morning therapist appointment. Was a cloudy rainy day today so of course my mind told me it was a day for napping. Took a 2 hour nap with the four dogs. Got up, had my coffee and made a quick dinner for Tony and I. Not much on TV so we are watching the DVR of the show Glee which was on a couple weeks ago. Not really getting into it. Tomorrow I meet with someone who will help me start the social security appeal. Bullshit that I have to go through this. I couldn't work full time if I tried.

June 7, 2009 Sunday Morning

Waiting for the rain to stop here in Milwaukee. Saturday was a total waste of a day. Got up and never left the house all day. Was rainy and in the 50s all day. It was 81 degrees the day before. I did make us breakfast (french toast), lunch (sandwiches and soup) and supper (hamburgers and stew and fruit) so it is not like I did nothing all day. I hate the clean up. Never minded the cooking part. Watched a lot of TV all day. Watched Paul Blart Mall Cop on DVD. Was pretty much what I expected. Tony was snoring on the couch by 9 pm and I got him up and we both went to bed around 10:15. So, not a very exciting day. Too cold and damp to go outside.

Today it has not started out much better. I did make breakfast and we are now all showered and waiting for the rain to stop and clear up here in Milwaukee and also in Racine so we can drive there for a huge car show. Got my IPod and music all ready for the fun. LOL. I have no interest in cars but feel it is my duty as a good husband to not only do things I like to do, but do things Tony likes to do. Plus we spend weekends together. Actually looks like the sun is trying to come out. Don't think Tony will want to take the 1965 Cadillac to the show since it is still so wet outside. It is about a 45 minute drive to Racine. So between the drive there and back and the show it will take up the afternoon.

June 5, 2009 Friday Night

Got up around 7 AM and after getting the dogs fed and stuff I went to St Mary's Hospital for my scheduled blood test. This is a complete test of everything again. I get the results a week from Monday. My goal is to have a viral load that is undetectable and a TCell count somewhere above 300. I am pretty sure the viral load will be undetectable, but have no clue on how well my TCell count has risen. Remember my viral load has been test three times and has been 334,000, 1000, and 100. So I am more confident it will be undetectable this time around. My TCell count has only been tested twice and that went from 106 to 229, so I have no clue how this will raise and at what pace. The viral load decrease was a shock and happy outcome telling the doctor he must have picked the right cocktail, Atripla. I hear it takes TCell a lot longer to increase which is why they are not counted with every blood test. Picked up a McDonald's Bacon Egg and Cheese Bagel (don't even say it Michelle), and an Egg McMuffin for Tony on the way back from the blood test. I couldn't even have coffee prior to the blood test. Finished the morning chores and went grocery shopping for some fresh fruit and milk. Tony was home by 11:30 to pick me up for our Friday lunch with the guys. Had a grilled chicken sandwich with barbecue sauce (better choice Michelle?) and a strawberry shake (I'm going to hell...) and when I got home I laid on the bed for what I thought would be a little bit. Ended up sleeping two hours and it was now 3:30. Had a cup of coffee and waited for my mind to start up again. Tony and I then went out to eat with a couple across the alley at a sit outside and eat restaurant since it was so nice today. Almost hit 80 degrees. A cold front is suppose to go through any time now, in fact the window open next to me just sent in a cold breeze. Temperature is suppose to drop 20 degrees in 2 hours and be a cold, damp rainy weekend. Oh well, just so it is nice nice weekend for Milwaukee's Pridefest.
Went out to dinner at a local restaurant and had a deep fried fish fry for dinner with waffle fries (I feel like Michelle is on my shoulder shaking her head, although I know Jack would have enjoyed the waffle fries). Went across the alley and had a drink with the neighbors for an hour prior to coming home and typing this blog. No plans this weekend. There is a car show in Racine on Sunday, but the weather does not sound good. I have a ton of beautiful men pictures to add to that web page, maybe I will get around to it this weekend.

June 4, 2009 Thursday Night

Got up at 7 AM this morning and after the morning routine I drove to Home Depot to buy two gallons of exterior paint. One white, one the color of our new siding on the recent addition. Repainted the north side wall of the garage the color or the new siding, the color Tony wanted. It took three coats which right there told me the rest of the garage is staying the green color it is now. Too much work right now. I did also paint the white trim on the back and side of the garage as well as a small portion of the house. I am picking off small areas of the house and hopefully by the end of the summer I will have the first floor trim painted. Was having a pretty good day today till I got the US mail today and a letter from Social Security saying I was NOT approved. So now the appeal process begins. ARCW is helping me with it and I already scheduled an appointment with someone there to file the right paperwork. I honestly can not believe I was not approved. It was a big set back today and took my afternoon in a downward spiral. It just makes me feel more worthless and how I am not contributing to the marriage. Plus I always prided myself on knowing that I could always support myself if I had to. Now I am a little scared. I honestly could not hold a full time job. I don't have enough consistent days in a row to work a full day five days a week. I might have one or two good days before I then have not so good a day and am very tired and such. Not sure what my next steps will be after the appeal process. Thank god I have Tony. Took Barkley back to the vet this afternoon. Guess he has a staff skin infection. Is now on an antibiotic and special food for a month to see if it is a food alergy thing. Made salad and frozen pizza for dinner tonight. Watching some stupid stupid movie on Logo right now. Sometimes you wish you never start movies such as this one. I am sure we will be in bed around 10 PM since I am very tired and Tony looks like he could fall asleep on the couch soon.

June 3, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Since being 'scolded' by Michelle about yesterday's blog I thought I would start todays. Thank you Michelle, I do need to be scolded and given a kick in the ass when I hit the low points. I must admit I am not all doom and gloom all day, I just think it is important to let you all know what lows and highs I have in life. I must add though. There is a difference with HIV than most diseases. With most diseases when you tell someone what you have they do not immediately think 'you got it by your actions', which is the case with HIV. Yes, we all make mistakes. Yes, I am more fortunate than most. Yes, I have a full life and friends I could have only dreamed of. But, I did and do feel I did this to myself. I also still feel ashamed when talking about the fact I have AIDS. My therapist and I are working on this. We talked about this at my meeting today at ARCW. The topic was 'Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Loss and Happiness'. Actually the root of all my anxiety stems from the fact that I am deathly afraid to die. I know that might sound funny. As Michelle mentioned, most people do not know what their fate will be. I now have a better clue as to what mine will be. Since I was so afraid of death before, I am now even more afraid because I have seen what this disease can do to someone.

With all that said, I had a pretty good day today. Got up by 7 AM, did the morning chores and got Barkley to the vet by 10:30 AM. Had his nails trimmed, anal glands cleaned and Heartworm test done. Have to take him back tomorrow to see a doctor because the vet tech thinks an anal gland is infected and might need an antibiotic. I think the animal clinic just wants more of my money. Jeez. Dogs are expensive. After the vet appointment I took Barkley to a pet store to buy him a collar so he can not reach and chew on his back end. He is always licking his skin everywhere due to allergies and therefore gets sores all over his body. So between the weekly baths, Benadryle twice a day, tomorrows antibiotic and this new collar I hope he will be better. He is actually adjusting well to wearing it. I will have to take a picture. It is an inflatable ring around his neck so he can not get to his back side to lick. Much more comfortable than putting a cone on him which was an option also. He can lay down and do everything wearing it. He has not tryed to remove it since I have put it on him today. Haven't seen him try to lick either so I'm not sure if it is enough being a long dog, a beagle. Got to my 1:00 meeting at ARCW. Like I mentioned above the topic was Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Loss and Happiness. Was interesting. The group facilitator makes it all worth while. Used up the rest of the green paint on the north side of the garage. Have to go get more tomorrow. I actually like it. It is strong and does stand out, but hey, that's me. Tony will not be happy to see I painted the north side, much less only did half since I ran out of paint. Have to have a beer waiting for him when he walks in the door. And that should be soon. Stella went to work with Tony again today. She is so hungry when she comes home from her hard day at work. She eats her food and then goes around the perimeter of the house and then her yard looking for any changes or new smells. It is so cute. If I move something she notices right away.

Does anyone else just hate the new Verizon Telephone commercial where they show the couple in the ice cream shop and the telephone guy says the 10 sprinkles on the sundae are like your friends and family, then the father grabs the huge jar of sprinkles and pour it on the sundae. Why do they show crap like this? I just hate the ignorance this commercial shows. It makes people do stupid things like that because they think it is 'cute'. It is as bad as having young kids on the sitcoms acting like they are much older than they are or should be. I had to vent since I just saw the commercial again. I wish the commercial would continue and the ice cream store guy would charge the dumb f*ck for the jar of jimmies.

Cool day here in Milwaukee today, only was in the 50s but at least the sun was out all day. Tonight we will probably go out for cheap burgers and I think I will skip my meeting again tonight since I would rather just stay home and relax. I feel bad skipping the meetings but I have to do what I want first, right? I didn't go last week so I do feel bad and might change my mind at the last moment.

Didn't change my mind and am back for burgers at the BBC bar. Barkley still has his inflatable cone on him. Doesn't seem to bother him at all. Tony is not happy with the garage. Since I have to get another gallon anyway I might go more with a Hunter Green type to make him happy. I simply refuse to paint it the light green like the slate on the house. I hate that color and the garage does not have to look exactly like the house right? I will have to see what I feel like when I buy the paint tomorrow. And if I buy the darker green I will then have to paint the entire garage again vs just finishing the last wall. Decisions decisions. Going to the couch to veg out for the night and watch TV.

June 2, 2009 Tuesday Afternoon

Got up at 7 AM and did the regular morning chores and routine. Having a hard time getting it together today. From the time I woke up this morning my mind just can not seem to get started. Feel like I am in a fog and very tired. Might be the cool Milwaukee weather and the clouds today. When I saw my baby rabbit out front eat the last carrot I had placed out for him/her and the last of the carrots I had, I ran to the grocery store to buy the rabbit more carrots. Stopped off at a cost cutters to get a quick hair trim so I look good for Milwaukee Pridefest coming up in a week and a half. Got home, made soup for lunch and was back in bed by 12:30 PM. Woke up around 3 PM and even after a cup of coffee I still am having a hard time typing this blog. Watching Judge Judy. Tony should be home in about an hour. Tonight I know he wants to go to the Milwaukee Harley Davidson Museum for their Tuesday night car show. Will get a burger or brat at the show for dinner. Hopefully an early night and back in bed early tonight.

Spend another part of today beating myself up. Talked with my therapist yesterday about the fact that I at least three times a day look in the mirror and say what a frickin fool I was to screw my life up so badly and be in the position I am in now. "How did you fuck it all up". "You fucked it all up". Don't know how to forgive myself or move past the guilt. I had it all, I had a good life, wonderful husband, and it wasn't enough. I never thought 'this' would happen to me. I would give everything I own to not have HIV. EVERYTHING! I still cry at least 3 times a day when I think how stupid I was and how I fucked up my life so badly. Worst part is, I can not change it. I can not ever be HIV negative ever again. I will never be able to stop taking these frickin meds that keep me so dizzy and tired all day. It really makes one depressed, and cry. I need to learn how to forgive myself. But then again, should I? Do I deserve to be forgiven? Wow, I never ever thought I would be HIV+. NEVER. I thought for so long I was 'one of the lucky ones'. Damn it, I am not lucky anymore. Having a hard time even visioning what my life will be like in the near future much less the distant future. What a mind fuck this disease is. And it was all my fault. I fucked up the one time around in this life. Sometimes I just hate myself for being so stupid.

June 1, 2009 Monday Night

Got up this morning around 7:15 AM. I still can not believe how the Atripla within being out of bed for about 15 minutes makes you run to the toilet when the feeling hits you. I can get out of bed, get dressed, feed the dogs, fill my coffee and grab part of the newspaper and it is time to go. Anybody else notice this since being on Atripla? Got through the morning getting done most of the daily chores like picking up the dog droppings outside, feeding the pond fish, vacuuming the house before going to my Monday therapist appointment. After the appointment I went up to talk to someone on the Client Advisory Board to find out a little more about it and if it is going to be something I will want to continue. Will give it another meeting. Next meeting is not for a couple weeks. Got home and made myself some tomato soup in a bread bowl. I spent most of the afternoon just cleaning up the back yard and doing some outside tasks. I did call on the status of my social security. Was told a determination has yet to be made. Guess that is better than a denial. Was told to call back in two weeks if I have not heard from them. The temperature in Milwaukee dropped about 30 degrees in a matter of an hour this afternoon. Was a beautiful day until about 3 PM. Made us some dinner tonight and now just watching reruns on CBS for the night. Looking forward to going to bed early tonight. Had a lot of vivid dreams again last night. In fact the last couple days I have had very vivid dreams. More than one a night which is different. I usually have one main vivid dream. I have to get a pen and paper next to the bed so I can write down anything I remember about my dreams before I forget them. Have no appointments or plans tomorrow. If it is nice out I might continue on the house trim painting.

May 31, 2009 Sunday Night

Long weekend. Friday night after Tony got home from work and he sat around for a while it hit me that earlier in the week he had mentioned a friend's mom's funeral that night. The service was till 7:15 PM. Got Tony in the shower and raced to the other side of town to make an appearance at the funeral. Glad we went. The friends own a couple gas stations and auto repair shops in Milwaukee. Stopped off on the way home for some Taco Bell. In bed by 10:30 PM.

Saturday morning Tony was up early thinking it was Friday. I got up around 7 AM. I did the usual morning cleaning up after making eggs and bagels for breakfast. Tony then took the Cadillac to the shop as I showered and we were out the door by noon to go to a car show in Mukwanago. About an hour drive away. The Cadillac car show was at this old resort that was popular by gangsters and the type back in the day. Has little cabins and a really cool restaurant that look like it did 75 or more years ago. Great woodwork and all the windows have leaded glass. Met the couple we are becoming friends with at the car show and then went to a custard stand and had sundaes and talked. We then took the long way through Wisconsin to their house, which we had never seen before. They showed us around their house, yard and new huge garage. Tony was very envious of the garage. We then took the long way home and got home after 5 PM. Long day of having to be nice to people. LOL. Tony was sleeping on the couch by 9 PM Saturday night. I went to bed around 10 PM.

Sunday we got up and read the Sunday Milwaukee Journal. I made breakfast. I took all four dogs one at a time for a walk around the block. Then saw a pool for half the price as the one I bought last Sunday in the Menard's sale advertisement. After we both got showered we drove to Menard's to buy the new on sale pool and return the other pool I bought at Big Lot last week. We ended up stopping at a rummage sale on the way to Menard's and spending $100 on crap that will someday end up at one of our own rummage sales. LOL. Bought the pool, 8 bags of bark chips for the front yard, a new shop vacuum for the auto body shop, and a bunch of other stuff not necessarily needed. Stopped off at A&W for a small lunch there somewhere. We got home around 4 PM this afternoon and after putting away all the merchandise and crap we bought it was time to feed the dogs and make Tony some dinner. Made grilled ham and cheese sandwiches and a can of ravioli. Nothing on TV tonight. Watching a DVR recording of the Mentalist right now. Have to see what else we have on the DVR for the rest of the night. I am sure we will both be in bed by 10 PM tonight. Was a great weekend. The weather was in the 70s and was mostly sunny.

Monday I have my morning therapist appointment.

May 29, 2009 Friday Dinner

I am exhausted. Did not sleep well last night because Tony's sister's dog has to sleep on me. Literally on my head nose to nose all night. If I push him away he finds a way to worm his way back to me nose to nose. The dog just loves me. So I was up at least four times with the dog and then finally up for good at 6:30 AM this morning. Did my morning routine of feeding the dogs, reading the paper, toilet time, picking up the dog droppings outside and showering myself. Was off to the grocery store by 10:30. Made the mistake of going to the closer Pick N Save. Always a mistake. Always worth the extra two miles to go to the one in Shorewood because the fruit is so much fresher and full. Did not buy much and was home by 11:30 putting everything away. Out the door before noon with Tony for lunch with the guys. Tony's sister was in town to get her car so she dropped off her son Anthony at the restaurant and Tony dropped us both off at home for the afternoon. He is a very good kid. Actually better behaved than her other son we helped raise. Just played with toys and hung out outside. Tony's sister came by after 4 PM to retrieve him. No nap for me today. Fed the dogs dinner and just waiting for Tony to come home. I hope he doesn't want to go out tonight because I have already changed into my sweat pants and don't plan on leaving the couch. Writing this early so I can maybe load a movie I've downloaded and watch that tonight. Not even hungry from the big lunch. Another nature casualty this afternoon. When Anthony and I were sitting out in the side yard we watch a baby bird take it's first flight from the nest in the peak of the house. Unfortunately it landed in the side yard and not far from Stella who within seconds had it in her mouth. She dropped it immediately when I yelled at her. The bird died in my hands. So sad. Damn. Nature is so cruel. Seeing one of my baby bunnies die yesterday and now a baby bird. So sad. Gave Stella a time out for about an hour in the guest bedroom. She felt bad also. Showed it to her dead in my hand and what she had done. Bad Stella. Not sure what Tony will want for dinner but he should be walking in the door any second. Have a couple of car shows to go to this weekend. Other than that hopefully I will catch up on my nap time. Still doing well with the no cigs. Almost lost it this afternoon, but made it through.

May 29, 2009 Friday Morning

You all have read about the little baby bunny in my front yard that I have been feeding. Well, last night I looked out the front window and there were two. Two little bunnies eating my plants. So I guess there is (was) more than one. They were so cute. About a half hour later Tony and I went upstairs on the deck and within minutes heard this commotion in the back yard. Looked down and a huge cat had a baby bunny in his mouth. I ran downstairs trying to get to the cat much less save my baby bunny and the cat ran off with the rabbit in mouth. I am so upset. Since when do cats eat rabbits? I have not seen either of my baby rabbits in the front yard yet today. This has not made me happy. Third day without a cigarette. I am about ready to drop kick a dog or two, not sure if I should leave the house today. I might kill someone.

May 28, 2009 Thursday Night

Got up early determined to start painting the outside of the house. It was a little hit and miss with the drizzle, but I managed to get the back house peak painted and the garage painted. Tony is not happy with the garage and kind of threw a fit. So I told him I would post the pictures and let you guys decide. The slate on the both sides of the garage are a nasty dull green like on the house. The front of the garage has and had already been painted a green color. With the white double garage door it looked fine. There are no other green houses. Our house if you look is green, as well as the awnings. I do not think it is so bad. Yes, it stands out. But hey, it is easy to tell people to meet you at the house with the green and white garage. So I painted the driveway side of the garage slate the same green as on the back and touched up the white trim. I love it. Tony thinks it looks horrible. This coming from a guy who puts cars in his front yard. So, here is your choice. Please post your answer in comments. Choose one:
1. Picture to the left which shows the back of the garage and the ugly old dingy green slate on the north side that has not been painted.
2. Picture to the right which shows the back of the garage and the new same green that was on the back side now on the south side with the trim all touched up.
3. Neither. But if you choose this answer you must also suggest a color scheme.

Tony hates the color. Hates it!

May 27, 2009 Wednesday Late Afternoon

Another cloudy, drizzly day, and feeling the same in my mind today in Milwaukee. Spent the morning cleaning / clearing out Tony and my bedroom dresser drawers. We have so many clothes we never wear because they are burried in dressers or closets. I filled a whole huge garbage bag full of old Tshirts that went to the garbage. From now on when Tony brings home another Tshirt from some auto body shop or auto parts place he is going to have to choose one for the garbage. We must have at least 300 Tshirts. Tried on clothes to see what will fit this summer and what is just to big since loosing 25 lbs since January. I should look good in my tight jeans and Tshirts this summer. (looking for a positive angle on all the weight loss). About noon Tony's sister called to say she was in the neighborhood dropping her car off for Tony to repair and if she could drop off her dog. She has a black and white long haired daschound named Buddy. We actually call him Little Buddy since we had a Buddy till last June and when they were together that is how they know their names. Little Buddy is just like Vito in personality. Bold as can be, nothing scares him, walks right up to Stella, our pitbull, and has no fear. Even caught him trying to play with Stella this afternoon. No fear in this dog. Little Buddy loves his Uncle Dave and always has. At family events when they bring him we sometimes think he will have a heart attach from being so excited to see me, and will not leave my side the entire time we are at the event. In fact, in my arms usually the entire event. Little Buddy has always been like this. Always thought my pomeranian Shadow was reincarnated in this dog. Call me crazy but I have my reasons. Spent the afternoon listening to some of my music mixes at my The Music Page with 5 dogs on me, next to me, or at my feet. In fact added another mix. DJ Dave J All Night Dance Party Volume 19. Made it yesterday. Listen to it on The Music Page Got off the couch around 4 when Tony's sister came to get her dog, talked her into letting me keep him till Friday or so when she comes back from Illinois to pick up her repaired car. Little Buddy is now in heaven knowing he is going to be here for a while. I can not explain it, but even Tony has seen what I see in this dog.

Speaking of dogs. I talked with my old boss who's dog also really loved me that I have not seen since I was fired last August. This dog would run to my office first thing each day when the owner brought her to work. I have not seen the dog since August and heard it took a long time for her to stop going first to my office. I am hoping to set up a date / time this weekend to see Molly. I think I will be in tears. Happy tears. Will keep you posted.

Had very bad cramping and stomach problems most of the day. Cloudy weather did not help my energy level at all. Finally took a shower around 4 PM today and am dressed and ready to get some cheap burgers and fries at a local bar. Not sure if I am going to my HIV support group tonight. Just don't feel like it. Don't have the energy. Plus it is our tenants Birthday so I can always throw out that excuse. Tony should be home very soon and the dogs are looking to be fed since it is now going on 5 PM. Will keep this feed open for a bit till I go to dinner just in case I have something to say.

Oh. It is 5:15 PM and I have not had a cigarette all day. Nope, not one. Tonight in the bar eating dinner will be the huge test. So, so far success. There really is no other option.

May 26, 2009 Tuesday Late Afternoon

Not having one of my better days today. Woke up with stomach problems which have persisted all day. So damn tired I just want to sleep. Laid around most of the morning until I forced myself to take a shower before lunch. Made myself tomato soup in a bread bowl for lunch. Was back in bed before 1 PM this afternoon. Had to force myself out of bed around 3 PM. I just can not get my mind and body going today. Cloudy today in Milwaukee which is not helping. While I was sleeping Tony came home to get his shop vacuum. When I woke up this afternoon around 3 PM in the middle of a very vivid dream about seeing Tony around the eastside of Milwaukee walking into a store (yah, I know, I have no control over these crazy dreams), I had to call Tony and ask him if he was really here while I was sleeping. I honestly could not tell if he was actually here or it was part of the dream I was having during the nap. I have had an entire cup of coffee and I still can not get my mind to work. In fact typing this blog is a real challenge. I think I make a spelling mistake on every 5th word or so. Wow, now that I think of it, I think my mail order pharmacy called while I was sleeping to find out if it was time to refill my Atripla. Wow, that memory just hit me now. I think it happened. I will have to call the pharmacy or give it more thought when I am done with this blog. This is how bad my mind is on this damn Atripla. So, I can either die, or have a foggy mind most days like today. It is almost like being stoned but not as fun and a lot more frustrating. I try to tell people not to call me between 1 PM and 3 PM daily because that is nap time and trying to hold a conversation during or a little after the nap is hard. I did manage to vacuum this afternoon. Did a quick job leaning on the furniture around the house as I did it. Making some kind of frozen lasagna for supper along with salad and bread, that is if I can get myself some energy. I am writing this post now rather than later tonight since I hope to do nothing else but watch TV after dinner tonight.

I have ONE cigarette left. Yes, ONE! Saving it for after dinner tonight. Started out the day with only four left in the pack. Scattered them out during the day today. Hung my 'you can do it' signs around the house for mental support this afternoon. It is happening. It must. It must. It must. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and put on the nicotine patch. Hopefully start painting the outside of the house to keep me busy and not kill a dog or someone in the first few days. (suppose to rain all day tomorrow) I have been putting this off quiting smoking and making excuses since January. No more excuses. Trust me, I will not be pleasant to live with for the next week. Poor Tony and the dogs. I will keep you informed on the number of times and people I piss off or piss me off in the next week. Get ready. LOL I find it best not to leave the house when I am trying to quit smoking. Not fair to subject others to my problem, much less they sell cigarettes on every corner bar or gas station around here.

Not happy about the Supreme Court decision on California Proposition 8. But at least the lucky few that got married can stay married. I still just don't get it. If you don't agree with gay marriage, don't marry someone who is gay or of the same sex. Simple as that. I hope one day Tony and I can legally get married before one of us dies. That would be my one last wish.

The dogs are all siting at my feet looking up at me. It is 5 PM and time to feed them. I will keep this feed open and finish it in a bit just in case I remember something else I want to pass along.

An hour has gone by. The dogs are fed. Tony is home and has already eatin his salad, now just waiting for the lasagna to finish baking. I know I have in the past mentioned this rabbit that eats the seed that falls under the front bird feeder. Have not seen it for over a month. But last week a baby rabbit has shown up. Every day we see him. We never had rabbits till this spring in the yard. The baby rabbit is so cute. I have been throwing carots and bread in the area he lives to help feed him. I think he lives under the back end of the 65 Cadillac that is in our front yard. I will try to get a picture of the cute little rabbit someday. I am surprised only one baby rabbit. Don't rabbits have more than one baby? How many babies does a rabbit usually have? And where is the mother or big rabbit that use to come by daily in March? Just saw the baby rabbit run into the neighbors yard and past where I can see him. Bad rabbit. If I see him squashed on the street I am not going to be happy.

May 25, 2009 Monday Night

Was in bed by 10:30 last night and slept in till about 7 AM this morning. Got up feeling good today. Haven't had stomach problems in a couple days. Haven't taken a nap in a couple days. Have had a good couple days.

Fed the dogs, read the paper and made Tony and I Cinnamon french toast for breakfast. Took some Cinnamon bagels and sliced them like bread and soaked them in eggs to make my own creation of cinnamon french toast. They actually turned out good and Tony even said he liked them. Sat around outside most of the morning with Tony and the dogs after I showered. It was another nice day in Milwaukee today. Made tomato soup for lunch and put them in some bread bowls I had. I love soup in bread bowls. Tony doesn't like them. Too much work for him. Much less he does not like tomato soup so much. Oh well, since I was cooking, and always cook, he gets what I make. If he hated it I wouldn't make it. He can't have beer and steak for every meal. LOL. Took a drive to a new hardware store in the neighborhood to see what they carry, then drove to a friends house to see his dog and say happy 15th Birthday to him. It is the dog we take care of often when his owner goes out of town. The dog is 15 years old today. Headed down to the lake front and cruised around looking at the kites and men. Stopped off at the river so I could fill two big pails of rocks for my side yard pond. Ran into Pick N Save and bought some fresh fruit, a cake, and a salad. After we returned home I worked on the pond and sat outside with Tony some more. I made dinner. Huge chefs salad, corn on the cob, left over chicken, fruit salad and cake for desert. I actually cooked all weekend. breakfast lunch and supper. What a lucky man I have. NOT. He would rather go to a resteraunt and have someone serve him coffee and drinks, and keep refilling them. LOL Just finishing off the night with the CBS rerun line up tonight.

It is suppose to rain the next two days. Guess I should be thankful for the beautiful weekend. Was going to start painting the house trim this week. Have to put it off for a while. Can think of a few indoor projects to keep me busy the next couple days. Time to lay down on the couch. Tony is already snoring on it and it is only 8:45 PM. Guess I am in for a fun night.

May 24, 2009 Sunday Afternoon

Happy Memorial Day Weekend. Did not do a post yesterday because I was too busy working on the The Music Page. I posted my best dance mixes on that page. Would love to hear comments on the mixes.

Had a great time Friday night at the play No Regrets here in Milwaukee. Met another couple from out Friday lunches at the play. Was just a small out of the way theater production. Was very good. Theme was gay marriage so it was very timely being our anniversary and all. Went out after the play with our friends to the bar Harbor Room. Had a soda and good conversation. Got home Friday night after 11 PM which is late for us. On Saturday, in between working on the The Music Page, we went for a drive along the Milwaukee lake front. Was a nice day in Milwaukee on Saturday. There is a weekend kite festival going on. We were surprised by the few kites, but then again it was after 4 PM before we drove there. I made a big dinner for Tony and I. Chicken, corn on the cob and baked potatoes. Watched TV most of the night till I went upstairs to visit with the tenants and there guests. Made my way back downstairs sometime around 11 PM. Felt pretty good all day.

Today (Sunday) we got up around 7 AM, fed the dogs, read the Milwaukee Journal (there was a time when it would take most of the day to read the Sunday newspaper. Now it seems so small I can have it read in an hour. And the newspaper companies wonder why subscriptions are down). Made Tony and I a nice breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon and bagels with cream cheese. Tony and I took the dogs for a walk. First Kali and Vito, then Stella and Barkley. Did a little cleaning, visited with the neighbors across the alley with a cup of coffee in hand, and then took a drive to Tony's mom's house to see here. Went with her to Big Lot and bought crap we didn't need. LOL I did buy a pool. A small pool, but good enough for the hot July and August. It is 12 feet round and about 3 feet deep. Big enough to cool off in when it gets hot. Even included a pump and filter. Now we are just watching some TV we recorded and soon I am heading either upstairs or across the alley to visit some more with the neighbors. Isn't that what the holiday weekend is for? Wish I could get Tony to be more sociable or at least away from the TV on such a nice day. Nice sunny day here in Milwaukee. Could be a bit warmer since there is a wind off Lake Michigan keeping us in the 50s. Could be worse, could be raining, which it usually does in Milwaukee on Memorial Day Weekend. Tomorrow looks pretty much the same. Sunny, 50s but no rain. Will probably cook out on the grill tonight and spend the rest of the day with the 'kids'. Seems the walk they had this morning has them all sleeping around the living room. Must be nap time?
Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Will post again when I have time. Did I mention I made a new web page called The Music Page.

May 22, 2009 Friday Afternoon

Having a good day today. I found a way to put my music mixes on this blog sight. I have been searching for some time on how to do it. Hope you all take the time to listen to the mix. I will post more over the weekend. I can always supply a link so it can be downloaded. Just email me.

Got up this morning and fed the dogs, read the paper, got Tony off to work, vacuumed, showered and was at the grocery store by 10:30 AM. Got home and unpacked the groceries and soon Tony was here to pick me up to go to lunch with the guys. Have I said how much I enjoy our Friday lunches with the guys? I do so much enjoy them. Took a little nap this afternoon and then got up and finalized how I want the MP3 to play on this blog. I first had a link, then I decided to put the player on this blog. I love mixing music and am so happy I can share them on my blog. Guess it is the little things in life that give us pleasure. Tony should be home soon for the nice long weekend. Today is our 16th anniversary of our Holy Union. Making sandwiches for dinner since we both had a big lunch. I had a steak sandwich, fries, and a strawberry shake. We are then going to a play called No Regrets. Meeting a couple we have lunch with on Fridays. They are a very nice stable couple together over 20 years. They both are really nice guys. We met them since meeting for Friday lunches. Would be nice to spend more time with them in the future since we seem to share the same views on relationships. I most likely will not post again till Saturday since I don't know when we will get home tonight.
LISTEN TO THE MUSIC MIX!

May 21, 2009 Thursday Night

Got a pretty good night's sleep last night. Got up around 6:30 this morning, fed the dogs, read a little of the Milwaukee Journal, had a bagel and butter for breakfast, showered and played on the computer mixing music for most of the morning. Felt pretty good today. Made a couple phone calls to the California bank that cashed Tony's check and to the guy who cashed it with a very stern warning we would be filing fraud charges. He must have got the message this time because he did call Tony back and once again tell hime the refund would be coming. Yah, right. Did a little cleaning till I headed off to my first meeting as a board member for the Client Advisory Board for ARCW. Not sure if they are going to like me on the board. I am more of a 'get it done' kinda guy. At one point we were all discussing an issue and I finally said 'get the person who can tell us if we can do it in here now', 'lets get an answer now so we can move forward rather than waiting another month for someone to report the answer'. Hey, if I am going to take two hours of my time to be on an advisory board I am there to get something accomplished. I have enough social events to keep me busy. This is my way of giving something back to ARCW for all they have done for me since January this year. Picked up Stella at Tony's shop on my way home. Sat outside listening to music till I cut the little bit of grass we have between the road and sidewalk. Made dinner, a beef roast (frozen), corn on the cob and mashed potatoes. Watching So You Think You Can Dance. Hate getting involved in another show that seems to never end, but....? Ugly Betty will be on the DVR to watch this weekend. Tomorrow is the 16th Anniversary of Tony and my Holy Union. We were together over 4 years prior. So it has been over 20 years together. Since we will probably have a big lunch with the guys on Friday I suggested some subs for dinner before we go to a play called 'No Regrets'. Guess the subject is gay marriage so it is very timely being our anniversary. So far no plans for the big Memorial Day weekend, which is just fine with me. Was 84 degrees today till about 6:30 tonight when a cold front came through Milwaukee and now has dropped the temperature 20 degrees. Only in the 60s for the weekend, so they say, and rain on Sunday and Monday. Oh well, like I said, we have no plans anyway. By the end of the weekend I hope to add a ton of 'Beautiful Men' to the link on my web page. Been saving them up for a time to add them. Very nice beautiful men. Will let you know when they get posted at the web page link. That's about all for today. I did get a nice email from a guy who just recently tested positive. He is still in the 'mind fuck' stage. Not easy at all. Been there. Still doing that. It is just amazing how similar we are when we find out we are HIV+. The emotions, feelings, and fears are so similar. Not an easy road to travel.

May 20, 2009 Wednesday Night

The American Idol final results are just minutes away. Will it be the cute kid or the gay guy?

Did not sleep well last night. Think it took till about 2 AM to finally fall asleep. Got up very tired at 6:30 AM this morning. Spent a quite morning at home just getting ready for my Social Security Medical Exam. Was a little nervous. I think Tony and I both did well. I think the conclusion should be I am accepted benefits. When they questioned Tony I think he put the final nail in the decision when he told the guy 'he can't get his head together until around 10:30, he might be able to get something done until he is in bed again for the afternoon. Sometimes when I get home from work he still is in bed'. Tony went on to say 'I own my own business and I wouldn't take the change of hiring him and having him fall from being dizzy and him getting hurt'.
If I get denied the only thing I can conclude is that the doctor is in the social security office pockets.

Kris won American Idol. Wow. Have to let this set in.

Back to the social security exam. It was more of a psychological exam. The doctor had me try to remember things. Count backwards and turn numbers and words around in my head. At one point he asked me to remember 3 words which he had me repeat to him. I was to remember the words. He than asked me a lot more questions adding numbers, division and subtraction. A little while later he asked me the three words. Was easy. I honestly could only remember the first word. RED. Didn't even have to fake it. I was in the doctor's office for about 45 minutes, Tony was in his office about 10 minutes. I have to get a copy of the report he fills out. Will let you know what the findings are when I get them. Whenever that may be. Tony and I stopped off at Taco Bell for a taco for lunch and he dropped me off at home. I got the mail and noticed the dogs all heading for the bedroom. So I knew it must be nap time. Got a good 2 hour nap. Spent what was left of the afternoon listening to music. Tony and I went out to the corner pub for cheap burgers and I then went to my weekly HIV meeting at the LGBT Community Center. The guy who runs the meeting and I showed up tonight. Called it a quick meeting after I got off my chest everything I wanted to say. Got home in time for the last 45 minutes of American Idol. Sinus's are bothering me today, pretty sure it is allergies. That time of year in Milwaukee. Stomach never felt all that great today either. Today it got to 85 degrees. Any hotter and I am not comfortable. I think I like it best when the temperature is between 60 and 75 degrees. I never liked hot weather. I am told now that the meds I am on will make me even like the heat less. Going to watch a little TV and then head to bed.

May 19, 2009 Tuesday Night

Had a pretty good day today. Slept horrible last night. Even pulled out the CD player and head phones at one point of the night around 1 AM. Listened to music for about an hour till I finally turned it off and when to bed. Got up this morning around 7 AM kinda tired. Fed the dogs, read some of the newspaper, did the dishes and vacuumed. By that time I was a little tired so I spent some time on the computer mixing music. Went to Walgreen's in the middle of the afternoon. Spent the rest of the afternoon finishing the music mix. Wish I knew a way of posting it on here for you to listen to. All great new dance music. My ex picked us up some pizza's for dinner tonight and then Tony and I went to the Harley Museum here in Milwaukee for their Tuesday night car show. Lot of cars. I dragged myself around looking at the men, I mean cars. Watching the Dancing With The Stars final. Then to bed. Big day tomorrow. I have my doctor appointment with the social security doctor. Have to be pitiful so the doctor lets me have social security/disability. Sure would be nice not to have to worry about money or working again under these conditions I am living with. Wish me luck tomorrow.

May 18, 2009 Monday Night

Woke up feeling like I wanted to throw up. Lasted for a couple hours into the morning. Spent the morning very tired. Seems when I don't take a nap like yesterday, I can notice the difference the next day. Got to my therapist appointment at 11 AM. Was productive. Got home and just laid around all afternoon, or at least tried. Was restless and did not get any sleep. Can't wait to go to bed tonight. Did manage to vacuum the weekends worth of dog hair up from the carpet this afternoon. Vacuuming is a daily activity when you have four dogs. Put the left over spaghetti on the stove for Tony and went to my 6 PM dinner meeting at Bio Script. Today's topic was drug resistance. Not a pleasant topic. Stressed the importance of taking your meds, whatever they are, on time, at the time told to take them. If your suppose to take a med 2 times a day, that means 12 hours apart. 7 AM and 7 PM. If you only have to take one cocktail a day, like my Atripla, it has to be the same time each day. 10 PM for me. If you start adjusting the time you take your meds the HIV virus finds a way to increase your viral load of the disease, which then increases your chances of those HIV cells mutating into a resistant cell that your current meds do not know how to fight. Therefore you then have to start taking other meds along with what your currently taking to fight the now mutated HIV cells. This happens when your HIV becomes resistant to your current medicines. That plus the fact that eventually the current cocktail you take eventually does not work as well was not a happy thought. Sooner or later the HIV finds a way to fight whatever meds you are taking. Later is better than sooner, especially with the advances that are made each year. Also shows the importance of getting a full blood test done every 3 months so that if your viral load starts to increase one can find out what drugs are now resistant to the new HIV cells. I am hoping to be non detectable in June with my next round of blood tests. If my viral load would start to increase in any way after that it means my current cocktail of Atripla needs to be adjusted or another option looked at. Hopefully that all made sense. Going to log off and watch the season ending of CSI Miami and then off to bed. No appointments tomorrow. I do have to go to Walgreen's at some point during the day to pick up some refills on medicines. I should get a job working at Walgreen's since I am there so often. Most the clerks know me by name. Not sure if that is a good thing. Suppose to be a nice day tomorrow and continue to get better as the week goes on. Maybe tomorrow I will have time to come up with a topic for discussion. Any suggestions?

May 17, 2009 Sunday Night

Got up shortly after Tony did around 7 AM today. Sure wish I could sleep in on the weekends. Fed the dogs. Read some of the Sunday Milwaukee Journal. Made some eggs and bagels for breakfast. Tony colored his hair and while he was in the shower I joined him. Haven't taken a shower together in a long time. Always sounds more romantic than it is since someone always has to be in the cold, not under the hot water. The walk in shower stays nice and warm with the ceiling heater on so it was not as bad as it could have been. Feeling pretty good today. Took Stella for a walk around the block. Then took Barkley for a walk around the block also. Rested for about a half hour till I went with Tony to a Mustang car show. Tony enjoyed the cars, I tried to enjoy the spectators. Not much for me to look at. We then drove along the lake front from Grant Park to the east side. Stopped and bought gas, lottery tickets, and dropped off a prescription at Walgreen's. By the time we got home I was tired. Tony and I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening catching up on all the shows we have DVR'ed in the past month or so. Made spaghetti for dinner tonight. After writing this blog will settle back and watch the season ending of Desperate Housewives. Monday I have my therapist appointment in the morning and a dinner meeting at Bio Script at 6 PM. A nice dinner is always served at these monthly meetings. Monday's meeting is about drug resistance. A topic I know little about and want to learn all I can about.

May 16, 2009 Saturday Night

Slept in till about 7:30 this morning. Was up many times last night letting Stella out and having to go to the bathroom myself. Stella still has the runs which she has had for a couple days now. Which means she wants to go out many times during the night. I would rather get up and let her out than clean up a mess in the morning. Made some bagels for breakfast. Drove to the bank to discuss the check Tony wrote out to the bogus company. The bank was not much help except I did get a phone number of the bank that cashed the check, even with Tony writing what he did above the signature line. Sounds like neither bank wants to take responsibility for it. I did write emails to Judge Judy and People's Court today. Maybe one of them with take the case. Judge Judy is actually in California where this bogus company is supposedly located. Spent the rest of the morning not doing a whole lot. Read the Saturday Milwaukee Journal and did some TV watching. Made Tony and I some soup for lunch and we both went and took a nap around 1:30. Slept till about 4 PM and got Tony up out of bed also. Made some burgers and mac and cheese for dinner. Got a burst of energy and cleaned out the two bedroom closets. Was time to rotate the clothes so the summer clothing is more assessable. Watched the season ender of Lost tonight. Very good ending but always leaves you wanting more. Watching DVR'ed New Adventures Of Old Christine, a little news and then it will be time for bed. Was a sunny day here in Milwaukee today but the strong winds off the lake kept the temperature in the low 50's. Weather man says we might even get frost tonight. That's Wisconsin. No plans again tomorrow. More of the same just relaxing around the house with Tony and the dogs.

May 15, 2009 Friday Night

Happy Friday. Got up about 6:30 this morning. I really try to stay in bed till about 7 AM but just can not lay there with the dogs staring at me and breathing down my neck to get fed. Got them fed and got myself to the couch with my cup of coffee. Felt OK again this morning. Read about half the paper and sent Tony to McDonalds for food, bacon egg and cheese bagel of course for me. I got showered and out of the house by 10 AM and was soon at Pick N Save doing the Friday grocery shopping. Got home and put it all away. Then set up a fence boarder in our back doorway and opened the door for the tenants dog so she could come downstairs and at least see me and the puppies and not be alone. Still can not take the chance of letting her be with my babies after last Sunday's incident. It has been working out fine so far keeping them apart. Tony and I had lunch with the guys and I came home stuffed and tired. Took an almost two hour nap this afternoon. Did manage to vacuum once I awoke and drank some coffee to jump start the brain. Did not go to the funeral I had been contemplating. Thought it best not to be a part, or start drama at a time such as a funeral. Happy with my decision since I did send a sympathy card earlier in the week. There was a time in my life I would have enjoyed the drama and attention, not any more. Vito's three staples look like they are about to pop out. Will have to keep an eye on them since they are not scheduled to be removed for another 7 days. Not so much worried about it breaking open if a staple comes out as I am having one of the other dogs step on it and get it in their foot, much less eat it. Not much on TV tonight. Watching Funniest Video's which is always a safe bet for a couple laughs. Think I will turn to the Farrah Fawcett Story at 8 PM. I always liked her. Heck, she was my cover back in High School so I wouldn't be viewed as gay. Had to have a poster of her in my locker so I would appear straight.
Today I was grateful for: Waking up another day with my husband and kids. Making it through the day finishing everything I had planned. Having a great lunch with good friends. That it is Friday which means a weekend with my husband. That I still have not missed taking even one pill when I have to take them daily, since starting the meds.

May 14, 2009 Thursday Night

Got up this morning feeling pretty good. Got the usual chores done around the house and headed for the basement. Cleaned the basement since Tony has been working out down there each morning on the weight machine. Set up a couple mirrors for him to watch his progress and muscles. Got myself showered and out the door by 1 pm for my dental cleaning. I did hang around the office yesterday hoping that the dentist could clean my teeth after my dental exam. A guy was expected not to show for his 10th time. He showed. That is why I had to go back again today. Got a good teeth cleaning. When I got home I put up some gates so Zoe the tenants dog could at least come into the kitchen and not be alone upstairs. Wasted the afternoon away not really accomplishing anything. Made a bunch of left overs for dinner from Mother's Day at my mom's that she had given us. Tonight it is Ugly Betty and Greys Anatomy to round out the evening. Still shocked from last nights American Idol. All three guys are good but it was a shame to see Milwaukee's Danny leave last night. I hope Adam wins. Would be nice to have an openly gay man win for the first time. I don't count Clay Aiken as being gay. He didn't come out till it was safe and he made his money. Adam has at least been honest from day one. But then again Chris is so cute. Had a really good day today. Didn't take a nap or lay down today all day. Should sleep good tonight.

Friday I have to do my morning grocery shopping. Just need milk and fresh fruit. Then lunch with the guys. I am still torn about going to a funeral tomorrow afternoon. It would be unexpected for me to show up at the funeral of they guy's mother who fired me 8 months ago. Probably people would be happy to see me. But I am not sure if at a mother's funeral I want any attention drawn to me. Also not sure if I am up to it. I will see how I feel by 4 PM tomorrow afternoon. I did send a sympathy card. I did know his mother. So, do you go to a funeral more for the deceased or for the living family? Sure would appreciate any input before 4 PM Friday.

May 13, 2009 Wednesday Night

Two hands on the wheel. That should be today's words. I got up this morning by 6:15 because I had a 8:30 dentist appointment at ARCW. I knew this would be a stretch. It usually takes me at least 4 hours after getting up to feel like my mind is where I can feel comfortable enough to do things or think clearly. Left the house by 8:05 and made my way through downtown Milwaukee to my appointment. It was not an easy drive since only two hours had past since waking up and driving through downtown construction and detours made me have to concentrate on driving like I was taking an exam or test. The two block detour was taken with two hands on the steering wheel. Stomach didn't feel great this morning but by the time I got home from the dentist it felt better. Made an appointment to have my teeth cleaned tomorrow afternoon, my one appointment for the day. Made myself a bread bowl of tomato soup for lunch and some grapes. Tried to lay around but just felt edgy all afternoon and ended up cleaning one of the pond pumps that needed cleaning. Did not go to my Wednesday night group meeting tonight. I gave myself a week off due to the storms about to hit in about a half hour and so much on TV between American Idol and Lost. I will make sure I go next week.
Vito seems fine. I did notice him trying to scratch the wound a couple times today and made him stop immediately. Don't want him to pull the staples out scratching. Stella stayed home today so she could have a day off from work. She works so hard all day when she goes with Tony to the auto body shop for the day. :)
Felt a little withdrawn today. That was the word I came up with at one point and wrote down when I as at the dentist today. Should log off now that it looks like the dark clouds are coming. Always have to do a spell check prior to publishing this. I can not believe how bad I am at spelling.

May 12, 2009 Tuesday Night

Got up this morning and fed the dogs, drank a couple sips out of my coffee, had a cig and went back to bed. I thought I slept good last night. Tony said I woke him up at one point yelling something in my sleep. Wish I could remember. Got in and out of bed all morning till about 11:30. Forced myself into the shower. Made myself a peanut butter and jelly croissant for lunch and laid back down on the bed till about 1:15. Splashed some water on my face and went to my interview at ARCW to be a board member. Figure it is my way of giving back. I can not say enough good about ARCW. Meetings are once a month. I think they liked me because they told me to pencil in the next meeting on my calendar. It was kinda funny. I walked in and said the usual hello's, they asked me to say something about myself. I went on for about 10 minutes. When I was done they kinda just looked at their questions and said I pretty much answered all of them. I honestly have not met anyone I haven't liked at ARCW. I think I got on the board which I will be happy about. It will give me another reason to fight to stay alive. Got my monthly groceries at the food bank, brought them home and made a cup of coffee and went across the alley to gossip with the neighbor. By the time I got home I had enough time to vacuum and then Tony was walking in the back door. Made the second pizza from last week and met some friends at the Art Bar here in Riverwest for a drink. Saw the end of American Idol and in a little bit I am looking forward to going to bed. Usually when the sun is out I am not as tired as I was today. It was a nice sunny day here all day in Milwaukee. Guess we all have our 'off' days. I have an early dentist appointment in the morning. Earlier appointment then I am used to. Could throw off my whole day. Suppose to get some rain tonight and then hopefully some big thunderstorms Wednesday night depending on how hot it gets during the day tomorrow. Not much more than that going on today. Just felt tired all day. No energy. Haven't even answered emails. I actually could have just stayed in bed all day if it were not for the afternoon appointment and the sun being out all day.

May 11, 2009 Monday Night

Got up this morning around 7 AM. Noticed Vito's bite wound was still bleeding a little bit so when the vet opened I made an afternoon appointment for them to check him. Went to get a dogs tennis ball from under the bed this morning and couldn't believe my eyes how much dog hair was under the bed. So I got the mop out. It was embarrassing. Looks much better now. Got showered and off to my appointment at ARCW. On the way home I stopped off at the post office to buy some 2 cent stamps since stamps now cost 44 cents as of today. Up from 42 cents. Got home and made some soup for lunch, rested on the couch for about a half hour, and then took Vito to the vet at 2 PM and had to leave him so they could treat the wound. Vito ended up getting 3 staples, two pills I have to give him twice a day for a couple weeks, and bring him back in 10 days to have the staples removed. The vets called Vito 'A Little Spitfire'. Yah, that's a nice way of putting it. Remember, this is the dog it takes two vet techs, Tony or myself and the vet just to cut his toe nails.......did I forget to mention the muzzle they have to put on him too. I was told he was better than most when they put the staples in. Poor Vito. He is sitting next to me here on the couch as I type this.

Heard today that a guy I used to consider a good friend's mother died this morning. Having mixed feelings since I still feel the main reason I was let go from my job was mainly due to him. I have for the most part gotten past that since I am happy not to be working anymore and couldn't at this time work full time if I wanted to. But, I still have not forgotten how it all went down. Could have and should have been handled much differently as far as I am concerned. I think I will change the subject before I say something I might regret or not fully mean at this time. I do feel for anyone loosing their mother and how hard it must be. I am fortunate to still have mine.

Watched Oprah today. I don't usually watch her but she had Simon from American Idol on along with Susan Boyle and a bunch of cool acts. It was entertaining and kept Vito on the couch and not jumping around per doctor's orders. Just switched off Dancing With The Starts to watch the CBS Monday night line up. No one on the Dancing show I care about anymore. Will probably check my links at the web sight and blog to make sure they are all up and running, cruise the Internet for interesting stuff, and go to bed.

Need advice. Long story short. Tony signed up for this service that was money back in 30 days if the company did not send him 4 customers a month. Tony paid $600 and not only post dated the check but wrote above where the person signs on the back, 'VOID TILL " and 30 days later as was agreed on. The company promised they would not cash his check. Well they crossed off what he wrote, endorsed the check and cashed it. Two months later they have not send anyone and still not refunded him. Much less the guy won't answer his phone. The worst part is this company is in California and we are in Wisconsin. Is there such a thing as small claims court across state lines? Since its in California should I just call Judge Judy? I told Tony he has till tomorrow and I will take over the collection on this. I can be a lot more forceful. He calls it being a bigger 'bitch'. Yah, but when something he purchases needs to be returned or someone needs yelling at who do you think he calls? That's right, me. The Bitch.

May 10, 2009 Mothers Day

Hello and Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's out there.

We were up by 7 AM this morning. Read the Sunday paper and watched a little TV prior to showering and getting ready to go to my mother's house for Mother's Day. We watched last nights Saturday Night Live with Justin Timberlake on the DVR. It was great. Tony and I laughed so many times. Every time he hosts it is a good show. Made our way out to Oconomowoc to my parents house after I laid on the bed for about a half hour. Had a nice afternoon with the folks, brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. My sister's kids are just adorable. The one looks just like the kid from Stuart Little Movie. Got home by 4:30. After I fed the dogs I brought down the tenants dog Zoe from upstairs so she wouldn't have to be alone. I have her with me during the day most days down here all day with no problems. We have had two incidents where she bit our dogs. Once Barkley, once she nipped at Vito. Well. About 45 minutes into her being down here Vito went to play with Zoe and she attached Vito. Grabbed him, shaking him. The minute I caught it and started yelling she let go of Vito. Gave Zoe a slap in the face and a yelling at, then Tony took her upstairs. While he was upstairs I checked Vito for any damage. Vito got a pretty bad puncture wound that we are trying to stop with a cold cloth. He seems to be doing OK. The bleeding has for the most part stopped, but when you look at the wound you can see the puncture goes about a half inch or more into Vito skin on his neck/shoulder. If the bleeding doesn't stop we will have to take her to the emergency vet tonight. Called my sister and she said to keep an eye on him, but if the bleeding has stopped he should be OK. Very scary. What sucks now is the fact that I have reservations towards Zoe spending the day or any time down here anymore. It happened so fast. I can not be watching them every second they are together down here. So do I leave poor Zoe upstairs alone all day? We will have to work out a new plan. Going to watch TV in bed to keep Vito from moving around. I will let you all know how he is doing tomorrow. I do have one morning appointment with my case worker at ARCW.

May 9, 2009 Saturday Night

Not a very eventful day today. Rained most of the day. When the weather is cloudy and rainy it seems to tap all my energy. Did manage to give Barkley a shower with mine this morning. Tony dried him off. He has bad skin and needs a bath regularly.

Tony brought home the BMW 530I today. It is silver. I am told a 2002. I drove it to take him back to the auto body shop to pick up the Tahoe. It is nice. A much smoother ride than my Mustang, but it is not off the ground any more than my Mustang like I really wanted. I honestly don't think my opinion matters much at this point since Tony seems to love the car. It does have a sun roof, but I will miss the convertible top. If I play my cards right, by the time he actually is done fixing the minor dents and takes out the previous owners thumper speakers out of the back trunk, summer will be for the most part over, or too hot to drive around with the top down anyway. The icing on the cake is the fact that my ex John drove it last Friday, he has a BMW, and wants it bad also. He even called today to see what I thought of the car and told me that he wants it. Well, that almost seals the deal. LOL. I say that not to be mean. My ex and I are still close after 20 years apart. We spent 5 1/2 years together prior to Tony and I. Tony and him are good friends also and there has never been an problems. Will keep you posted on what happens with the car. I am sure we will drive it tomorrow to my parents house.

Took a couple hours to lay in bed this afternoon. Actually I just thought for a bit and then Tony woke me about 2 hours later. We took his mom out to dinner tonight. After an hour and a half with her I had lost my patience and it was time to go home. I tried working on her TV and new converter box. Thank god we have ATT because I could not put up with the digital signal not keeping up to the sound and the picture looking all stutery. She has tried many antennas. I don't think people are going to be happy with the switch over in June. Oh, the cable companies and such will be for sure with all the unhappy people buying their services.

Tony is already sleeping on the couch. Guess he missed another episode of Harper's Island. I actually am looking forward to going to bed soon myself. Tomorrow is suppose to be sunny but only in the 50s. Have to go to my parents house for a while for Mother's Day. These days I would rather just sleep.

I did add some funny jokes on the Fun Page at my web sight. They made me laugh. The theme is 'and then the fight began'. They really are funny. Thanks Brian. Sign my interactive map also now that you have the web page address. Nite everyone.

May 8, 2008 Friday Night

Got up around 6 AM with Tony this morning. Feeling much better. Stomach pain is almost gone. Guess the Cipro is doing what it is suppose to. Whenever I am on an antibiotic my stomach problems always seem to go away. Then return shortly after the antibiotic has all been taken. Been like this for years. Now it is just worse and every day. Spent the first 2 hours very dizzy and moving slowly. Sent Tony to McDonalds to get us breakfast. Had my favorite, bacon egg and cheese bagel. I think he got himself an egg McMuffin, two hash browns and coffee. So the trip to McDonalds was more for him than me. In fact I even gave him a coupon to buy one breakfast sandwich get one free, so mine was free. I'm so cheap. Yes, I do cut coupons and use them when I think about them prior to heading out to the grocery store. Went on the web for a while, showered and made my way to Pick N Save for my Friday grocery shopping (forgot the coupons). Didn't need much but some fresh fruit, milk and a couple other items. Wasn't to sure on my feet walking around the grocery store. Felt very dizzy. At one point I could see myself walking like my 98 year old grandma did, very slow, not to fall. By the time I got home and put the groceries away I was exhausted. Sat outside with the dogs for a while in the shade till Tony came home to take us to our usual Friday lunch with the guys. Had lunch at a different restaurant due to the Brady Street Diner being closed for good. Had a big steak sandwich and a strawberry shake. The kind of shake they bring the extra in the metal container they mixed it in. Was very good. I love ice cream. Had a good laugh which we always end up doing at these Friday lunches. I think they are better therapy then anything else I do. Spent the afternoon answering the many emails I received. Posted a couple of them on the Email's Received page on my web sight. Found the strength to vacuum the house and then just sat more outside with the stereo on listening to music. Just made ham and cheese sandwiches for dinner since neither one of us were very hungry from the big lunch. Not much on TV tonight, will have to fire up the DVR and watch something we recorded. I did catch the Fox news tonight which featured American Idol Danny Gockey for the entire hour and a half. He was taken all over the city today, gave a short concert at the fair grounds at the lakefront and then threw out the first pitch at the Brewers baseball game tonight. He is not my favorite, but he is good. He did not sing good today, he even apologized for not sounding good.

Watching Barkley try to play with Vito, too funny, neither one knows how to play with each other. They both want to be on top.

Six years ago today I had to say goodbye to my blond Pomeranian named Tiny Love. She was the first dog I ever owned. She did live 16 1/2 years. Still not enough. At least I still have her memory. I think if my mind was to go and I didn't even have my past memories there would be nothing to live for. Alzheimer's disease must be horrible. It's bad enough getting old, but if you don't have your memories what else is there.

Tony has been working on a car he wants me to look at tomorrow. I think it is a car he wants. It would be the car I drive. I have a Mustang Convertible now. It is a BMW 530I. Have no clue what that is, but then again every car I've owned for the past 20 years have all been cars Tony worked on and bought from the insurance companies. I drove a 1985 RX7 for a while a long time ago that he actually pieced together. The front end from one car, the back end from a different car. It was a fun car to drive till I got tired of driving a stick shift car. Hey, I can't drink a cup of coffee, smoke a cig, and shift all at the same time. Would need another hand. Tony says the car is loaded with everything. I did plant the seed in his head about a month ago that I am interested in a new car. But, I want something higher off the ground, an SUV of some kind. With my head so fuzzy it is better to drive and see more, being higher up. I actually enjoy driving our Tahoe more than the Mustang because the Tahoe is higher off the ground. I have been leaning towards the Jeep Liberty. Haven't driven one, but like the look. It is a small SUV. Was deciding on the color till in the last week I've seen so many driving around Milwaukee, I think I've changed my mind. Sure don't want to drive a car that's everywhere, unless of course I have Tony add stripes or something on it. Hmm. I never really have a car for more than 2 years anyway. The life of having a husband who owns an Auto Body Shop. Unfortunately, cars to me get you from point A to point B. They are either small, medium size, or big. They are either a car or an SUV, and then we do the small, medium, big thing again. That's where my knowledge of cars starts and ends. Oh, and of course the color. My knowledge of cars has always baffled Tony. Especially since it is his life.

Was a nice day today in Milwaukee. Sunny and 70s most of the day. Tomorrow rain all day, thunder storms maybe starting after midnight tonight.

May 7, 2009 Thursday Night

Got up this morning with a little less stomach pain this morning. Was very sluggish and in a fog most of the morning. Have little patience for the dogs today. Feeling very irritable. Took Stella to the vet and got her blood taken and tested, should get the results tomorrow. Drove to Bayshore mall and picked up my yearly chocolate covered strawberries for my mother for Mother's Day. Always get myself some as a reward. Spent the afternoon very very tired. Slept from 1 PM to 3:30 PM. Still very tired. Not sure if it is all the meds or what. Maybe the intestinal infection?

Made a couple changes on the web sight. Got rid of the forum because it was messing up the links to the web sight. Will look into adding a different forum in time. Got a little tense with a person on the phone at my mail order pharmacy where I have to get refills on my meds if I want ADAP to pay for the co-payment. Get this. The refill of Acylovir would cost me $10 at Walgreen's, but I would have to pay it because ADAP will only work with one pharmacy, and the mail order place is the only place my insurance will pay for my Atripla. If I order my Acylovir from the mail order pharmacy the co-payment, that ADAP would have to pay is $278. What? Oh, thats for a 3 months supply. Well, I don't need a 3 months supply since I will probably/hopefully not have to take the Acylovir much longer. I got them down to just sending my a 30 day supply. Co-payment ADAP will have to pay is over $100. Bottom line, to save myself $10 it will cost the state of Wisconsin ADAP program over $100. And we wonder why taxes in Wisconsin keep increasing. It is this sort of government red tape and waste.

Got about 10 emails from people answering my post at Body.com about what to expect at my Social Security doctor appointment later this month. Thank you all for you emails and information. Very much appreciated and learned a lot. If I don't respond to your email immediately know that I will. Also spoke to someone at ARCW on the telephone regarding the upcoming appointment. Guess honesty is going to be best. My days are not what they use to be. Working is just not an option at this point. Not sure if it will ever be an option. I guess I just have to explain what an average day is like. Between the all day dizziness, tiredness, cold chills, fuzziness, bowel problems, nausea and tiredness, it shouldn't be a problem. Feeling very depressed this afternoon. Not sure why. Had a good cry, pulled myself together and now writing this entry in the blog.

Thanks for the comments regarding my rant in yesterdays blog. Hope to receive more. Would love to know the true story regarding what is being said, who is reading it, and how it was found. If I don't get those answers it will not be the end of the world, just curious. I should just let it go, but I am only human. Lessons I have learned since January: Life if to short to sweat the little things. Obsessing about the past is unproductive. Forgive and forget. Move forward. Everyone has there own baggage. Now that I've learned these things I need to start practicing them daily.

May 6, 2009 Wednesday Night

Woke up with the stomach/bladder pain so I called the doctor right away and made an appointment for later in the day. Laid around most of the morning till I finally showered and got to my 1 PM meeting at ARCW. Was a productive meeting. One guy leading the meeting is such a handsome man. Stopped off at home for a bit till I headed to the doctor. Sounds like I have an intestinal infection and was given Cipro Antibiotic for it. Have to take it twice daily and not with any dairy products or vitamins. Here we go again. Change my life. There goes my morning bowl of cereal with my daily vitamins. Have to go back to my daily McDonalds breakfast, LOL. Was a nice day weather wise in Milwaukee today. Rain drops here and there, but for the most part it was partly sunny and almost 70 degrees.

I talk to a friend I worked with till last August on the telephone this afternoon. Was told some interesting news. I guess everyone at my past place of employment is aware of this blog. I had only told two people at my past place of employment about this blog. I do not beleive either one of them passed it on to anyone there. I am wondering how they all became aware of it. When I started this blog and decided to be completely honest about what was happening in my life, I realized at some point people I had worked with or know might some how come across this blog. People I might not choose to tell of my diagnosis. These people will know who I am talking about as they read this about themselves. From day one I always thought since 'I put myself out there' with this blog I would take the hits as they come. Tony has always agreed with my decision and stood by me 100%. Today I was told my blog is 'all over' the place I use to work at. That 'everyone knows about it'. I don't want this to sound negative towards a business that gave me 4 1/2 very rewarding working years. I still have very good thought towards most of the people I worked with. I am still not sure how I feel about my blog being 'all over' VICI. My first thoughts were hurt and fear. Then I had to remember why I created this blog. So that others in the same shoes would know they are not alone in what they are going through. I was bothered by this for a while. I then thought 'oh well'. I soon called Tony to see what he thought about it. His response was 'if they cared about you they would spend more time reaching out to you than they have passing on the blog to each other'. Hmm. I have to agree. If people I worked with have been reading this blog, people I considered friends, why haven't they emailed or called. Maybe fear? Maybe not knowing what to say? Maybe they now don't want anything to do with me because they are not educated enough about this disease? Maybe they were never friends to begin with? I don't have the answers at this point. All I can say is that if anyone was to reach out to me I would be grateful. I am always happy when I receive emails like the two I received today from people touched, helped or educated from reading my blog. It has made it all worth while. One thing I have learned since January is who my friends really are. So I will continue to write this blog honestly. Let the chips fall as they will.

Wasn't going to go to my Wednesday night group meeting tonight but got a call a half hour prior to it from the guy who usually runs the meeting that he can not make it. He asked if I could make sure the room is opened and run the meeting. I had always told him I would. So I did go to the meeting. There was a new person at the meeting and it was heartbreaking to hear his story. Hopefully we were able to give him some perspective. Going to bed shortly after finishing this blog. Love seeing the pointers on the interactive sign-in map on my web page. Keep them coming.

May 5, 2009 Tuesday Night

Did not have a good day today. Was up at least 4 times during the night to pee and having pain in my bladder area. Been taking my Flomax but doesn't seem to be working this time. Got up this morning and the pain was worse. When I push on my bladder area there is a lot of pain. Canceled my appointment for this morning with my case worker at ARCW. Spent the morning just laying around on the couch. Made myself tomato soup for lunch and was back in bed by 12:30. Got up around 3 PM still in pain. I took a pain pill around 4 pm and it gave a little relief. Now the pain is coming back. When I cough the pain is bad. Been drinking a lot of water just in case it is a bowel or bladder infection. Tomorrow if it is still this bad I will have to break down and make a doctor appointment and have it checked out. Was kind of hoping it would go away on it's own. I did manage to clean 2 of 3 pumps in the pond due to they were getting clogged with debris and algae. Put more algae fix in the water. Should clear out some of the algae till the back yard tree gets leaves and blocks the sun from shining on the pond and creating the algae. Fed the dogs. Tony brought home some pizza's for dinner from Papa Murphy that my ex bought for us to repay Tony for working on his sun roof on Monday and for me borrowing him my Mustang to drive for the day. He dropped the pizzas off with Tony at the auto body shop. His sun roof window wouldn't close. Borrowed him my car so he had transportation for the day while I drove the Tahoe. Tony drove his car to work for that day. Very good pizza. Never had a Papa Murphy pizza before. Would definitely recommend them and get them again. Today it got to about 65 degrees and was sunny for most of the day. Didn't spend much time outside enjoying it except for cleaning the pond pumps. Made the final Mother's Day plans for this weekend with my mom and Tony's mom. We will take one out for dinner Saturday night and visit the other on Sunday. American Idol, Dancing With The Stars, and Law And Order SVU will round out the night. Hope to wake up tomorrow in less pain or no pain. Lets hope.
If I wake up feeling better tomorrow I have a meeting in the afternoon at ARCW. The guy who runs the meeting is a stud, I look at it as motivation to get me there.

May 4, 2009 Monday Night 'What's Next'

I found this new HIV / AIDS information web sight tonight and wanted to pass it on to those who need it. I looked around on the sight and it is very good and informative. I will add links to it on this sight and my websight. It is called 'What Next', here it is: http://whatnext.tht.org.uk/