August 2, 2009 Sunday Night

Friday was a busy frustrating day. The tenants had to be out by 2 PM so the new carpet could be installed. About noon the carpet guys called and said they were on their way. I told him we agreed on a 2 PM time and the tenants were still cleaning and moving stuff out. Of course he said he was coming anyway and would wait. Since having a confrontation earlier in the week with the tenants I thought it best to call Tony home and have him break the news they need to pick up the pace. Tony did come home and waited until the carpet guys got started before I sent him back to work and my panic was gone. It took all afternoon to install the carpet. All the banging and pounding upstairs kept the four dogs barking for 4 hours straight. I could have strangled each one of them by 5 PM when the carpet guys left. It turned out very nice. The tenants returned and spent the night finishing the cleaning. I during the course of the day finished the painting, cleaned every window inside and out including storms, cleaned the ceiling fans and globes, and basically helped get the apartment done. I updated the web sight with new pictures of the empty apartment as it stands now, check it out at: http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/apa/1300317229.html
I think I did a great job with the colors, painting and cleaning? Friday night Tony and I stayed home and cooked burgers on the grill and some rice. We went to bed by 10 PM we were both so tired.

Saturday we did a little more cleaning and fixing of the upper apartment until about noon. After than we walked two blocks up the road to a fund raiser for a 21 year old that was shot on the way home about 3 weeks ago. Unfortunately there have been to many shootings in the neighborhood lately. Was a very very nice fund raiser. Must have been over 20 family members running the food, raffles and such. We talked with a couple family members letting them know how bad we all in the neighborhood feel and how it could have been any of us. I cried a bit talking with the mother. We got home around 4 PM and took a nap. Ordered some food for delivery and went to bed around 10:30 PM.

This morning we were both up early and read the Sunday newspaper. I then made pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Showered and drove the the corner grocery store to buy some fruit and milk for the week since I was not able to go on Friday like I usually do. Tony cleaned the tenants washer and dryer while I went grocery shopping. We spent the after noon at the Racine County Fair with friends from my HIV group and lunch. We had a great time. Spent a couple hours walking around eating before going to the grandstands for the demo derby. Watched two rounds before it was getting time to go home to the dogs and feed them. Got home around 5:30 PM. I have gotten a couple responses on the ad and sign out front for the apartment. Hate this bullshit. A girl was to be here about 6:30 PM to see it. It is now going on 8 PM so I guess she is a no show. If she calls from this point out she already has a strike against her. Screening the next tenants is never fun. Tony says this time HE is picking the tenants. Monday I have to go back and put in some hours at work. Enjoyed having last week off. Not as excited as in the past about going back again tomorrow.

Dogs. Kali is doing great. Back to her old self. Stella needs to go to the vet this week because she has been limping on her back right leg. I think it might be arthritis but being the good daddy I am, I have to have it checked. More money for the vet.

July 31, 2009 Friday Morning

It has been a very busy week. I have been working all week upstairs getting the rental apartment ready for a new tenant. Needed lots of work. Spent this week painting every room wall and ceiling. Cleaned each and every window including the outside storms. Cleaned the ceiling fans which had so much dust it was horrible. Patched all the holes and cracks before painting each room. I started by 8 AM each day and was still up there into each night. Last night I finished up a little early and Tony and I treated ourselves to a dinner out at a local Italian restaurant. Was not as good as the first time we visited this restaurant.

Today our tenants are getting the last of their stuff out including a big aquarium as well as cleaning the stove and refrigerator. It all has to be done by 2 PM this afternoon when the new carpet is installed throughout the entire apartment. Got the carpet from Empire for $1700.00. Was more expensive than I had planned, but what you gonna do. It has to get done. Listed the apartment on Craigslist. Here is a link: http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/apa/1296137176.html
Going to have to skip the Friday lunch today with the guys. Hopefully by tonight the apartment will be empty and looking good. We do need to still make some minor fixes and cleaning but for the most part it is ready to rent.

Been an exhausting week. Worked very hard around here. Harder than a 48 year old man with AIDS should ever have to work. Hopefully by Sunday Tony and I can lay back and enjoy the day.

July 28, 2009 Tuesday Night

Tony and I spent Sunday afternoon at my parents house. My relatives from Ohio were in town and at their home. Had a nice afternoon with the folks and relatives. Ended up taking my cousin who is a nurse off to the side and told her about my diagnosis. She took it well. Made her swear to keep it between her and her husband only. She thought I should tell my parents. I explained my reasons for not telling them. She still thought I should. I still stand at this point by my decision to wait. Sunday night we were in bed early.

Monday I was up early and let my job know I would not be in for the day due to the fact I have to paint the entire upstairs apartment this week so we can rent it for August 1st or shortly there after. Got the kitchen and bathroom painted. Looks good. Was exhausted by Monday night. Hoped for a good night's sleep so I could continue painting on Tuesday.

Was up and out of bed by 6 AM this morning. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Last time I was up and looking at the clock it was 2 AM. Was so mad at myself because I knew how much I needed sleep so I could continue painting. Well, up at 6 AM, sent Tony to McDonald's for some breakfast and was painting again upstairs by 7:30 AM this morning. Got the living room and dining room painted and one coat on the hallway. Good day. Tony got home about 6 PM. After him telling me about the 2 teeth he had pulled today and how much pain he was in, I pushed my tired 48 year old butt into the shower so we could go to the Tuesday night Harley Davidson car show. Was OK. Tony enjoyed it. I was bored. Ate at a Mexican restaurant prior to the car show. I was so busy painting today I didn't even call or check in with my boss where I work. Not like me at all. I will have to call her tomorrow and tell her I simply can not give her any time this week due to the tenants moving out, their apartment needing a lot of work, and Tony being down an employee for what sounds like a while due to breaking his ankle this past weekend. I made a Wednesday morning appointment for someone from Empire Carpets to come to the house and give me an estimate on new carpet throughout the upstairs apartment. The apartment needs new carpet. Another reason why I am trying to get the apartment rent able. Between not getting rent for August, we will have to pay back a security deposit, pay for new carpet, paint and other plumbing supplies needed, as well as all the time and energy I simply have to try to salvage any of August and getting a tenant and rent money. Going to be a tight month. Hope to get a good nights sleep tonight so I can get more painting done tomorrow.

Told Tony at dinner tonight that if I had not recently been told I had AIDS I would feel like a normal 48 year old male. Was up early even without a full night's sleep, painted ceilings and walls all day, went out for dinner and to a car show. How much more could a healthy normal 48 year old person do in any given day than I did again today? Now if I can just have a few more days like this in a row. I feel good. On a down note. I for some reason am getting a small rash on my forehead. Hopefully it is nothing but to much sun.

July 26, 2009 Sunday Morning

I could not believe my last post was Wednesday. I guess not posting means I am keeping very busy and doing good. Except for being very tired I have little to complain about.

Wednesday night Tony and I went to the weekly car show at the Solid Gold McDonald's here in Milwaukee. Same old same old. I do not remember what I did on Thursday besides a short meeting at ARCW for the Client Advisory Board I am on. I did get everything I wanted to accomplish accomplished. Friday I went grocery shopping in the morning, lunch with the guys, and spent the afternoon rearranging the furniture in our living room. I do this every so often. Have not made any changes since the beginning of the year so it was time for a fresh look. We bought a couple paintings from Tony's brother, moved the big screen TV to the opposite side of the living room and it looks good. In our house moving things like this is a nightmare. I have speakers in every corner, TV's in every room, and all are wired into the computer, TV, or stereo. So moving anything means all the wires have to be refished through the floors and through the basement. New look is always good. The furniture was the way it was for way to long. Friday night Tony and I walked up to a neighborhood block party and then stopped at a neighborhood bar for a drink. Saturday (yesterday) we spent the morning doing things around the house. Eventually the sound of the lakefront airshow got me in the shower, bitching for Tony to finish his project, get him in the shower, and down to the lakefront on a friends boat to watch the all day air show. Was really nice. Just laying out on the boat, in the shade, watching the Blue Angels and other airplanes doing stunts in each others arms. Spent an hour in traffic getting home. We only live about 4 miles from the lakefront. Big mistake to leave when we did. Fed the dogs, and watched a little TV until we went to another block party on Brady Street Milwaukee. HUGE block party. We got there about 7 PM so we could watch the DRAG SHOW at 8 PM. Drag Show? Yup. Been there for a couple years now. It is the biggest part of the block party. How times have changed. There were more straight people dancing and enjoying themselves than gay people. Tony and I snuggled into each other for the whole show or he had his hand in my pocket or mine in his. At a block party in the middle of the street watching a drag show on Milwaukee's eastside. Honestly, I never ever thought those words would ever all be in one sentence. The world is slowly getting better for most gay people. More accepting anyway. It felt so normal and so good. Got home around 11 PM and watched about an hour of TV before going to bed.

Today our tenants are moving out. Good day to have to go to Oconomowoc about an hour away to my parents house to visit them and our out of town relatives.

July 22, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Got up early this morning since we both went to bed so early last night. Did not even watch the news at 10 PM like always we were both so exhausted. Went in and put in 4 hours at work. Spent another 1/2 at home working this afternoon also. If it was not so late in the day I would lay down for a nap I am so exhausted. My back is killing me from filing today at work. Kali is looking a little better with each day. She still has the runs, but no blood in the stool. She even brought a tennis ball to me to play, that is always a good sign. She hasn't wanted to play since last Friday.

I have to share a letter I received today. I am posting it below this post. I am still smiling from ear to ear because this letter is one of many I have received but says everything best. It is the reason I started this blog and the reason I continue it. Letters like this make all the time worth while. Thank you Mark for your email. You made my day.

Dear Dave,

My name is Mark and I am a 52 y/o man, American, living in the Middle East for the past 25 years, and this morning I was surfing the net, and going through many sites on the body's website, and found your blog.

Most of the day has been spent reading every single blog you've written since your diagnosis January 7th of this year.

Let me first say Thank You for taking the time to write your blog and share your feelings and experiences so willingly and honestly involving you, your partner, and events and people in your life.

I don't know what exactly made me devote my entire day and evening into reading your blogs slowly, and absorbing them as the months go on through your blogs - most probably as I recently had a very frightening brush with HIV myself, and it totally bent my head around and made my world go completely upside down. The fear, the panic, the sense that I'd lost my life completely, almost drove me nuts. I won't know for sure if I'm positive or negative until September, but at least my symptoms have subsided for now.

Your blogs are fascinating, heart-wrenching, moving, and so very honest - reading your path and all you've encountered so far, I find a privilege to be allowed to read about your life. You show an incredible amount of strength and courage, yet also a very vulnerable and fragile human being. I was struck often, as I read about the extreme fatigue, dizzyness, and depression, how very fortunate you really are to have Tony as your partner. I am not only living in the Middle East but also alone, with no partner or even family, and if that were to happen to me, I'd surely be in a deep, dark hole. At least you have a roof over your head and food on the table and, more importantly, someone who loves you and supports you. That's just wonderful - a huge blessing indeed.

My background is that I'm from the Midwest, but moved to San Francisco in 1980 and was around everything in those years that should have made me positive - yet I somehow escaped the virus, while most of my friends did not, and have passed away, because medications were not developed to the extent they are now.

I moved to the MIddle East to stay only 2 years here - then go back to the States. Instead, 25 years later, I've remained here.

Well, it's late and need to get to bed myself - but wanted to just Thank You and let you know your blogs are so well written. Don't worry about the spelling - doesn't matter one bit. The heart of your blogs are easy to read and feel.

Take care and drop a line if you have time.

Sincerely, Mark

July 21, 2009 Tuesday Night

Kali is doing much better. She is not out of the woods yet because we do not even know what could have triggered this. Her poop is still very runny but at least the blood in the stools stopped today. The antibiotic must be doing what it should do. I have been feeding her rice and hamburger meat. She seems a lot stronger but sleeps a lot. Still giving her a lot of love.

Monday I worked about 7.5 hours between at work and at home. Got a huge chunk of a project completed. Made spaghetti for dinner and thought I would sleep like a baby. Wrong. Was either too hot or too cold. Tony was restless last night also all night.

Today I worked about 5 hours and then got some stuff done around the house. Tony, Stella and I went to the Tuesday night car show. No food being served tonight at the car show. So we drove the the Colver's we know also has a car show and that way we can get burgers and ice cream. Stella was a good girl at both car shows and enjoyed the food and ice cream. Not much on TV tonight so we are watching the daily soap we DVR, One Life To Live. Been watching this show for 32 years. Usually catch up watching the weeks worth on the weekends.

Tomorrow I have to go in and do some more work. Then I am done for the week. Have a lot to do around the house. Feeling good emotionally and physically. Still exhausted and always feeling tired, but getting on with life and getting what I need to accomplish accomplished.

July 19, 2009 Sunday Afternoon

Had a scary weekend with Kali. Friday was going along OK. It was cold in in the 60s. We went to lunch and I was doing this and that around the house all afternoon. About 4 PM Kali started throwing up. Brown bile. She hadn't eaten since that morning. After that she was panting so hard and just shaking. I knew something was not right. She felt like she was burning up so about 7 PM we took her to emergency. Had x rays, blood tests, and other things done. She had a temp of 104.7, not good. She also was pooping blood. Not good. Brought her home and spent the night hugging her in bed. She kept having to get up all night and try to poop. More and more blood.

Saturday morning she was not panting as hard but still had no interest in food and did not look good. She was very weak and couldn't even jump up to her chair. She was drinking water so I figured this was a good thing. Spent the morning holding and comporting her. We went to a family wedding in the afternoon and came right home to see how she was. Called the vet and got the blood results. Nothing. Xray, nothing. So the doctor thinks she has pancreatitis or a bowel infection. Tony raced to the vet to get meds for her and got them in her. I made her a little rice and hamburger meat. She ate a little. This is good. We went back to the wedding for the dinner and by the time the dancing started we decided to be good daddies and go home and be with her. Can't remember the last family wedding. Bad weekend to have this happen. But, she is my main concern. She was very tired and ate a little more rice and hamburger. I watched TV in bed with her and went to bed around 10:30 PM. She slept all night.

Today she seems a little better. Was really getting scared by the amount of blood that kept coming out of her every time she tried to poop. Would just drip out. The meds seem to be already helping since she had a good breakfast and seems a little stronger. She doesn't feel the need to poop all the time also. Wow, I was really scared for a while there. Friday was her 10th birthday. She spent it in emergency. Tony and I just got back from running to Walgreen's and hopefully we will go to Italian Fest for a couple hours this afternoon while she sleeps. If something happened to my Kali at this point I would be so lost. She is my baby. She is sleeping soundly. Hopefully she is getting better.

July 16, 2009 Thursday Night

Got thru my 'dark' spell yesterday by dinner time. When Tony got home he showered and we went to the Solid Gold McDonald's on the south side for their Wednesday night car show. Ate dinner there also. Got home and after a little TV went to bed. Was so tired.

This morning I got up feeling much better than yesterday. I still as the day went on could feel myself slipping. Might have to consider going back to my weekly counseling if this continues. Went to my monthly board meeting at ARCW this afternoon. Warmed some left overs for dinner and now just watching TV. I am hoping the next couple days will help my mood. Tomorrow should be a good day. Lunch with the guys is always fun. Then tomorrow night we are going on a friends boat out on Lake Michigan to watch the Italian Fest Fireworks that night. I always enjoy going out on their boat. I can relax and do nothing. Nothing. Just enjoy the ride and view of the Milwaukee Harbor. We will most likely go down the river and dock the boat and eat, then back to the festival grounds to watch the night time fireworks. Saturday we have Tony's nephew's wedding and reception. Sunday we have tickets to go to Italian Fest at the Milwaukee Lakefront. So as you can see it will be a busy weekend.

Never had a chance to even lay down today. I hope I sleep good tonight. I am exhausted.

Jo, thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I just need a kick in the ass.

July 15, 2009 Wednesday Late Afternoon

Having a sad / depressing moment so since I have no one in mind to bother or call with it I thought I would log on here and write it down.

Worked about 5 hours on Tuesday. Was at work by 8:30 AM. Came home so exhausted. I also put in about an hour of work at home. I did a little around the house and then went to lay down for a bit. Woke up an hour and a half later, almost 5 PM and was in such a tired foggy state it took about an hour to even think. Tony got home somewhere in between and I let him know I was in no condition to go anywhere much less make a big dinner. We ate TV dinners. Had terrible bowel problems all day. Tony did also, so it must have been something we both ate. Makes me feel better knowing he had problems too so I don't have to think it is AIDS related. Went to watch TV in bed by 8 PM and it was lights out at 10 PM. Told the boss I would be in early again on Wednesday. Was probably not a good idea.

This morning I woke up feeling even more tired. I honestly told Tony this morning if it were not for him and the dogs I would put a gun to my head. This total exhaustion is no way to live. Don't be calling the suicide squad. I would not at this time do that to Tony or the dogs. They depend on me. Anyway, pushed myself out of the house by 9 AM and got to work at 9:30 AM after a quick stop at you know where...........McDonald's. Got an orange juice and two breakfast burritos. Eating on the way to work finally woke me up. Half way to work though I remembered I forgot to take my morning pills. DAMN. First time forgetting. I did take them the minute I walked in the door this afternoon. I did a little ordering of product for work, sent out a few email to work, and then just couldn't do no more and laid on the bed. That is when the tears came. That's when the dark thoughts came. That's when I started balling.

I have so much I want to do. There is so much I could do around the house. I could work full time there is so much to do where I work. I look at the dogs pictures that are no longer here and dead and the tears just will not stop. I told you I was in a dark depressed state in the beginning. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I could do more. I wish I didn't have AIDS. I got to say, this is much different from a panic attach. It is a point of depression. I know. Also just got the mail and again social security wants me to fill out this 9 page questionnaire to try to get benefits. The same shit I have already filled out twice. I am so tired of having to push myself through life. I feel like I am always going up hill and never reaching my goal. I think of things I would change in my life if I had the chance. Not getting AIDS. Being nicer to my dog Shadow in her last two weeks of life. Having my dogs back that are not here anymore.

I told two co workers today I have AIDS. One cried. Both were shocked. It came out of my mouth easier than I would have thought. I even told the head teacher when they get to the subject in class on infectious diseases I would be willing to come in the classroom and share my story. Hey, its my life right? If I can help even one person not go down this path it is all worth it.

I am so tired I wish I could go to bed. When I lay in bed my mind races about dark memories and things I could or should be doing. Tears are honestly still streaming down my face as I think about how I have to at least vacuum before Tony gets home. Much less the dog dropping need to be picked up outside. And then there is dinner. I feel overwhelmed. I am not going into work until Monday. I have a board meeting for ARCW tomorrow and lunch on Friday. Have to get to Home Depot and Pick N Save somewhere in between that time also. Plus, the house hasn't gotten any paint for about a week. So much to do. So little time. So little strength.

I am sure this dark state will end in time. Thanks for letting me share.

July 13, 2009 Monday Night

Got up around 7 AM this morning and got myself ready to go to work. Got a little done around the house prior to leaving at 8:30, stopping off at McDonald's for a bacon egg and cheese bagel, and a vanilla latte. Was at work by 9 AM cleaning the boss's office. Spent 5 hours going through everything. Made a huge dent. Plan on going back in tomorrow and hopefully putting the finishing touches for now on it. Got home around 3 PM after picking Stella up at Tony's auto body shop. Picked some more black berries, made some more jam, froze some jam, vacuumed, and then made a frozen pizza for supper. Tony was not happy with the supper but then he could cook if he wanted something else, yah right. He has boiled water in the last 20 years. That's it. Watching the CBS Monday night TV lineup while I do a little of this and that. Spent about an hour going through some Salon catalogues for work. Tired and looking forward to a good night's sleep.

July 12, 2009 Sunday Night

I guess the fact the days are racing past and I find myself not posting as much means either I am keeping busy or dead tired from keeping busy, either way it means I am living right?

Friday afternoon we had the usual lunch with the guys. Spent the afternoon doing a little cleaning and resting since I was so tired on Friday from working Thursday. I am so amazed how exhausted I am all the time. Picked a big bowl of blackberries from the yard. Friday night the weather was great so Tony and I went back to Bastille Days downtown Milwaukee. Walked around once and we both were so tired and our feet hurt so we called it an early night. I did make blackberry jam with 4 cups of the blackberries. It was my first time making blackberry jam. It turned out very good. Will make more in the coming days since I have most of it away to neighbors.

Saturday Tony went into work at 7 AM to try to finish a customers car. He was home by 11 AM but the car was still not finished. Typical. Oh well. We were out the door by 11:30 AM to go to Tony's side of the family pool party about 45 minutes north of Milwaukee. I usually really look forward to this once a year event because it is the rare time I can go swimming. They have a huge heated pool. The pool temp was 90 degrees. Perfect. The weather was in the 80s and sunny so it was a perfect day if you can do sun. I now can not so I limited my time in the pool and spent most of my time in the shade talking with Tony's family. I even wore a tshirt when I was swimming to stay out of the sun and not burn. Learned my lesson the last time I was in the sun too long and spent the next week itching. Tony spent a big part of the afternoon in the pool with the kids having a ball. Ate way too much food and had no room for the endless table of deserts. So I took a selection of them home. Still in the frig as of this writing. By the time we got home close to 7 PM Saturday night and I got the dogs fed and house stuff done we both were exhausted. Picked more blackberries in the yard. We didn't even watch the 10 PM news. Lights out and to bed. I just wish I would have slept better. For as exhausted as I am from pushing myself through each day you would think I would sleep better at night.

Woke up today with major stomach problems from all the crap I ate the day before at the pool party. Took a bunch of stomach pills and by the time we left the house I was feeling slightly better. Managed to make pancakes with fresh picked blackberries from the yard for breakfast. They were soooo good. A little after 12 PM today we both pushed ourselves to meet my parents downtown the the Great Milwaukee Circus Parade. Seen it many times. It is quite the event. A parade down through the streets of Milwaukee of all the circus animals and wagons from the biggest circus in the country. The Great Circus Museum is located in Baraboo Wisconsin. All the great circus wagon go there to die, so to speak, before they are restored in all their beauty. Had fun with mom and dad. Sometimes have to wonder who the kid is and who the parents are when I listen to their so called problems. At times I wish I could tell them my status but it would be a burden they do not need to have. Got home in time to pick some more black berries, clean up the yard and feed the dogs. Now we are both just relaxing on the couch, well me at the computer right now. The couch will be soon. I hope to get a good night's sleep tonight. I am just exhausted. I must say. I am doing most I would do before I was given my AIDS diagnosis and the meds I take daily, the only difference is I have to push and drag myself through the day to complete it all. My energy level is so low.

Monday I hope to work about 5 hours during the day cleaning the owners office. It still won't be done or close to done after another day tomorrow cleaning it. At least 10 months or more of everything has piled up in her office. It has to be sorted, filed, discarded, etc. Each and every piece of paper, file, folder, or piece of mail.

July 10, 2009 Friday Morning

This week flew by. Wednesday I spent the day painting the house and turning over the deck boards on the new deck since not only have the boards shrank and left gaps, they buckled the wrong way. So I had to unscrew and flip each deck board. By Wednesday night I was exhausted. Ten foot long boards two inches thick and 12 inches wide are very heavy to move around.

Thursday I put in about 5 hours at work. Had a good day cleaning the boss's office. Or at least trying to make a dent. Plan on spending all day continuing to clean and organize her office. Did a lot of heavy lifting of boxes and product. When I got home yesterday I was exhausted. I was too tired to even think about going out to dinner so I made dinner. About a half hour after eating we realized that Bastille Days is in Downtown Milwaukee. Always a great 'men' fest. The first night they have the 3 mile race. Over 4000 people run the race. Always fun to watch. So I got the strength to go to the festival for a couple hours last night because the weather does not look good for going tonight. Looks like rain and storms tonight from 5 PM to 10 PM.

Have to go grocery shopping this morning, lunch with the guys, hopefully nap this afternoon since I am still so beat from the last two days of work. Tonight we will hopefully stay home and enjoy the thunder storms. Saturday we have Tony's family pool party. Always a fun event. So much food your stomach hurts from all the eating.

Hope everyone is enjoying the summer. It is about half over.

July 8, 2009 Eight Characteristics Among Long-Term Surviors of HIV.

Found this on Thebody.com today. Thought it was worth passing along.
Through research they were able to identify eight characteristics among long-term survivors of HIV. The eight characteristics are:
-They are realistic and accept their diagnosis and do not take it as a death sentence.
-They have a fighting spirit and refuse to be helpless/hopeless.
-They have changed lifestyles.
-They are assertive and have the ability to get out of stressful and unproductive situations.
-They are tuned into their own psychological and physical needs -- and they take care of them.
-They are able to talk openly about their illness.
-They have a sense of personal responsibility for their health, and look at the treating health care provider as a collaborator.
-They are altruistically involved with other persons with HIV.

I can honestly see how the above would be a factor in long-term survival. They actually make sense if you think about each one. I think I have fallin into each one. I think I have done good. Maybe thats why my numbers are so good after being so bad.
You can see the full story and a full interview at: http://www.thebody.com/content/art52598.html?ic=700100

July 7, 2009 Tuesday Night

Time sure flies.

Monday I got up early and got as much as possible done around the house and was off to put in some hours at work. Got there by 9 AM and worked for about five hours including some computer time at home putting the counts I had taken on a spreadsheet. Took an hour nap and then made burgers on the grill for dinner. Tony watched the Monday CBS TV lineup, I sat outside on the deck most of the night enjoying the beautiful night. Went to bed around 10 PM.

Today I got up and got most of the household chores completed and then went outside to paint a small part of the house that was the next to be painted. Was a small area but it all needs to get done. Slowly, I might have it done by the end of the summer. Today it was in the 70s so it was perfect weather for painting. Got the painting done by noon and then turned on the TV and watched the Michael Jackson funeral. Was a nice funeral. His kids are so cute. Whoever the father is, he must be a handsome man. The daughters final words brought tears to my eyes. Sat outside a little listening to Michael Jackson's Number Ones on CD. When Tony got home he showered and we took Stella with us to the Tuesday Harley Davidson Car Show. It was a big show tonight due to the fantastic weather. Stella was an angel. She and I walked around the sides mostly in the grass and let Tony look at the cars. It was so cute how she always kept an eye on her other daddy. Came home and watched America's Got Talent, tonight America didn't. I am hoping this NBC special on Michael is the last of him I will need for a while. Have a feeling we haven't heard the last of this story. Will be interesting to see all the unreleased material that comes out in the next year with his name on it. What a loss of talent.

Wednesday I might go to work for a while. If I don't go in to work I will continue with an area of the house and the painting of it.

July 5, 2009 Sunday Night

Last night I think I had the most romantic 4th Of July fireworks ever. Last night I took the chair cushions and a blanket and of course Tony up to the second floor deck and watched the neighborhood fireworks from the park a block away in each others arms. Was a very nice fireworks show. Being a gay couple you can not hug that much in public during a fireworks display. Last night, just the two of us, watching the fireworks in each others arms was like heaven. I know Tony was done about 5 minutes into the display but he managed to put on a smile and hug me for the entire 25 minute show. Not bad. He is not much of the romantic, at least not anymore. I think he was for the first two dates till I gave him what he wanted, if you know what I mean. After that the romance seems to fade when they know they don't have to 'work' for it anymore. I should have held out longer. LOL.
Went to bed shortly after watching the other firework shows in the distant horizon.

Got up this morning and made breakfast for us. Tony left the house by 10:30 AM to help his brother move to a new house. I was out the door shortly after that to go grocery shopping since I didn't get to go on Friday because of having the nephew. Bought way to much fruit. It all looks so good when in season like now. Took down the pool I set up in the back yard because our tenants gave us 30 days notice they will be moving. Want the back yard to look respectable and not like white trash. Put an ad in craigslist the other day and already have gotten many responses. I do not want to show the apartment till the tenants move out since we will be painting then entire apartment as well as putting new carpet throughout. We have a much better chance of getting the $825 per month we are asking if it is in tip top shape. Took a little nap this afternoon and when I got up I got as much done as possible before Tony got home. Made a nice TBone steak on the grill with corn on the cob and rolls for dinner. Just having a quite night of TV. Tony is already snoring on the couch. Hope to go in and do a little work tomorrow for about 5 hours or so. Hope I feel up to it when I wake up. I never know from day to day. These last two days I feel like I am on the verge of getting a sinus infection and am very tired.

July 4, 2009 Saturday Night

Happy Fourth Of July!
Friday we had a nice day with the nephew. Hung around the house all morning having the pleasure of watching the Disney Channel. Seen enough Hannah Montana and the two blond twin boys show to last me a lifetime. Went to lunch and met the rest of the guys. Tommy was very good. He played some pinball machines at the restaurant. Came home and after doing a little of this and that we all went bowling. I won the first game. Tommy actually won the second game. The little shit. Took the kid to Colver's for dinner. Bought some ice cream to go so we could take it with us to the Lakefront Fireworks that night. About 8:30 PM we got in the car and went a couple blocks down the road to the Pick N Save above ground parking ramp and watched the fireworks from the lakefront. The show lasts an hour. After about a half hour we got bored and ended up coming home. Watched a little TV and then we all went to bed.

This morning I sent Tony and the kid to McDonald's to get us some breakfast. Ate and were on the road by 10 AM so we could meet Tommy's mother about an hour south to meet her and give her Tommy and get their dog to take care of for the week while they go on vacation. Will give her back her dog next week Saturday. Came home and just laid around the house all afternoon. We cooked out dinner on the grill. Hamburgers, corn on the cob and baked beans. Now we are just waiting for the neighborhood fireworks display to begin which starts in about an hour. It is in the park a block down the street and from where they shoot the fireworks and our house is, we simply have to go out on the deck and watch them when we hear the first one go off. Remember the first year we bought this house and how excited I was that fireworks were right in front of the house on the 4th of July. I am sure we will be in bed shortly after the fireworks end since we are both pretty tired from having the nephew the last couple days. He can be a handful. If I heard 'what are we doing next uncle Dave' one more time I was about to duct tape the kid. The dog is a pain in the ass also. LOL. He just loves and and always has. He has to sleep with his nose touching mine at night. Even when I push him away he finds his way back and we are nose to nose. So I never get a good nights sleep when I take care of their dog. But I love the dog. Till the next post...............

July 2, 2009 Thursday Night

Spent most of the day on Wednesday in bed or just laying around the house. I had no energy and just felt tired. Slept most of the day. Didn't even go to a meeting in the afternoon or evening because I had no strength or desire to do so. Very surprised and hope it is not because I am not ready to return to work like I did the day before. Felt like I was back in February, the way I felt.

Woke up today feeling much better. Was very happy to feel better since our nephew was delivered to our back door around 10 AM this morning. Took him to the pet store and then Tony's auto body shop to see Tony and pick up Stella and bring her home. Tommy and I then went to see the new Transformer movie at the movie theaters. Was OK. Not my choice but then again I went for the kid. Went to a funeral tonight and made an appearance. Then stopped off at an A&W Restaurant for dinner. Came home and picked a family movie none of us had seen before.............Marley and Me. Cried like a baby at the end. Had to put four dogs down in my last 10 years and not one was fun. Brought back some sad memories. Everyone is about ready to bed. Wanted to get a quick post out there. Tomorrow Tony is off work. We will have lunch with the guys along with Tommy and then go to a movie and then bowling at night. We have him until Saturday.

July 1, 2009 Wednesday Morning

July already, jeez. Time sure goes by fast. Summer will be over soon.

Got up Tuesday morning and went to my therapist appointment. She released me from her care for now so I can take a break from therapy for the summer. I explained to her I still have other groups that I can go to for support if needed but am so busy scheduling a weekly appointment with her eats into my schedule and I don't get as much out of the therapy as I needed back months ago. I feel much stronger mentally. After I got home from my therapist appointment I went into work for about three hours. Did some heavy cleaning and inventories. I was exhausted after just 3 hours of working, but it felt good. Was again good to see people I worked with for over 4 1/2 years. I got many hugs and was told countless times 'I am so glad your back'. Nice to hear because I know they mean it. Got home around 4 PM and shortly there after my brother, who is in town with his partner, called because they were driving by Milwaukee on their way back from a day trip to Northern Wisconsin and asked to have dinner. So Tony and I went out to a local Italian Restaurant for dinner. Got home and chatted for a while till they left to continue their journey. Found out my sister is moving from Chicago to St Louis in a month with her husband's transfer. This did not make my mother happy at all. Told my sister she has to do what is right for her family first. About 9 PM last night out of nowhere I got the cold chills. Ended up in bed just shivering and felt like I was convulsing. Was not fun. I was so cold. The two times I got up during the night I hardly finished peeing when the cold chills hit again. Spent the night sweating and not sleeping well. Hope I did not catch something. Usually when I get these cold chills it is just a matter of time till I get sick. Seems to always be the first sign something is not right. Today I woke up very tired from the bad night's sleep and very cold. Planning on spending the day very low key. In fact I think I am going back to bed after this posting. I can not afford to get sick yet. My TCell count is not high enough. Hopefully I did not over do it working yesterday the few hours I worked or catch a cold from someone being in public with people. Tomorrow Tony and I get our nephew till Saturday so I can not get sick. Will write more later. Going back to bed.

June 29, 2009 Monday Night

Met my past employer this afternoon at my past place of employment. Spent a few hours there walking around seeing people I worked with and getting a sense of what I would be in for if I came back to work. I definitely could keep busy and go back full time. I do not have the energy for that honestly. I am trying to pull back on the reins a bit here and not dive in so fast. I said I would start back next week Monday for a few hours. When I got home I was very exhausted. finished cleaning the house from the weekend and made lasagna for dinner. Tony is asleep snoring on the couch already and it is only a little past 8:30 PM. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow, one of my last for a while. I feel mentally strong enough plus I have many other outlets if needed. Might even go in to work a few hours tomorrow afternoon if I am not getting the nephew till later in the day. Until then.............

June 29, 2009 Monday Morning

Had a good weekend. The weather was great here in Milwaukee all weekend. Friday night we did stay in. Made salad and a Cornish hen for dinner. Saturday, since it was so nice outside, we took a drive in the afternoon along the Milwaukee lake front in the 65 Cadillac Convertible. We stopped off at Tony's sisters house to see her new puppy. Saturday night we went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant for dinner and watched TV the rest of the night. Sunday was so nice again. I bit cooler than the days before. But great weather. Tony and I took Tony's mother out for breakfast and then headed to Tony's brother's house for a rummage sale he was having. Came home and hung out at home for a while with the dogs enjoying the nice weather. Took Barkley and Stella for a drive in the afternoon around the lake front and took them for a short walk in the park. Got home around dinner time on Sunday and made a frozen pizza. Watched a couple episodes of season 4 of Weeks and the first 3 episodes of Nurse Jackie. I like the show Nurse Jackie. I can relate and like her way of her nursing. Got to bed around 10 PM Sunday night.

Today I got just about everything done around the house and in time I will call my past boss and see what time she would like to meet today at the south location to finalize what I would do if I came back to work in a limited way. Should be interesting to walk around the building I took care of for over 4 years of employment. Tuesday we are getting Tony's nephew for the week. Been thinking of things to keep him busy till he leaves on Saturday. Four days with the kid will be fun but exhausting. I think we will go to the Milwaukee County Zoo one day, a movie another day, and hopefully Tony is taking Friday off for the holiday and we can do something the three of us all day. I am sure we will all go bowling one day also since Tommy loves to go bowling with his Uncle Dave and Tony. Beautiful day again here in Milwaukee. High 70s and low 80s all this week, perfect.

June 26, 2009 Friday Morning Reflection: Life and Death

Got up this morning about 7 AM when I heard Good Morning America on in the back ground since Tony was up and already watching the morning news and reading the newspaper. First thought threw my head was 'Michael Jackson is dead'. WOW. I then walked out and looked at Tony and said "Michael Jackson is dead, wow". Tony said, "dead". WOW. I was heart broken enough yesterday about Farrah Fawcett's dead and now Michael Jackson. I just wish everyone could live forever which is just a crazy thought. Death is so sad.

I am playing the double cd HIStory by Michael Jackson as I type this. Such a talented man. It makes one reflect how important life really is and not to take anything for granted. I was laying back in the recliner thinking how horrible it would be to get the news of Tony having a heart attack. I have run through the scenario in my mind, trust me. I don't think that is strange considering he had quadruple bypass heart surgery three years ago. His heart was out of his body on a bypass machine for over 6 hours. So I do have to worry. He does go in to the doctor again in two weeks for a check up. I have been telling him here and there that if he doesn't tell the doctor EVERYTHING I will go with him to the appointment. I would go anyway but he would rather go alone, just Tony's personality. I like him with me to important appointments. Tony continuously tells me he feels fine and since he was able to diagnose himself weeks prior to him almost biting the dust I have to trust he is in tune to his body. He just / must tell his doctor even the slightest concern. I was laying back thinking how happy I am that I look at Tony most morning as he walks out the door and say "Give me a kiss". We either kiss or playfully turn our heads and touch cheeks. Its corny but I think it is the gesture that matters most. I hope I remember things like that if the sad time should ever come when he dies prior to me. It also makes me reflect how close I was to being in serious trouble with my health just this past January. Then also how I was even considering bringing my life to an end there in February and March. How would Tony have managed with the business, the dogs, the house and life if I had been so selfish. Plus you got people like Farrah that did all they could to stay alive. Death is so final and so sad. I sit here in tears thinking how I spent the last day with my grandma about a year and a half ago as she lied on her bed dieing. Taking four dogs to the vet knowing what was about to happen has not been easy either. It was one year ago last weekend that I put my Buddy 'down'. I still miss him daily. He was my Buddy. I think they are comparable in scope due to the fact you have to make the decision when it is a pet. You are saying 'your life is now over'. I sure hope there is a heaven and my dogs are there. I have very little hope, but one has to hang on to some kind of comforting thought. It's either that or believe it is like a light switch and everything just goes black. Like being put under for surgery. That is more how I look at it now. Maybe that is why I am so afraid to die. It is so final. Plus I have to do it alone. I hate alone. I also reflect on how even with four dogs sometimes down the middle of the bed and around us we manage to make sure our feet or something is touching the other person as we fall asleep. Tony's playful way of pushing me away when I say it is time for a hug comes to mind. Or when I dance naked in front of him or do something stupid and then look at him and say 'who else would do that with you', as he shakes his head and laughs saying 'yah, who else' in his sly tone. I'm smiling just thinking of these things. I tell Tony often how much 'I Love' him. I often have to prompt a response. LOL, but know he loves me too. I reflect on how every time I wanted to remodel this or install that he would resist only to see when it was all finished how it was a good idea and how proud he is of it being accomplished. I also see a man who began working on cars in his parents back yard, bar tended and eventually opened up his own successful auto body business while he was looking for the right man to settle down with. I was lucky enough to be that man. I am glad I put my foot down here and there when he wants to work late or gets mad when cars are not finished on time. I told him after his heart scare that if he starts as early in the day as he does by 5 PM no car is worth it. He must come home, he has worked hard enough. He saw the light on this one. I remember when he used to work till 9 or 10 PM at the auto body shop busting his balls. Life is to short. We don't need another flat screen TV or vacation as long as we have each other.

I am rambling. Glad I went grocery shopping yesterday. Just have to shower and wait for Tony to pick me up for our lunch with the guys. Puppy sitting for a friends dog tonight for just one night. I am sure we will stay in tonight and just be together with our dogs. That means I either have to cook or order delivery, hmmm. Loaded up the Winamp on the computer with enough Jackson music to play out all morning. I am sure the tenants upstairs are so pleased. LOL

June 25, 2009 Michael Jackson

OMG. Wow, what a day in the deaths of two famous people. Throw in Ed McMahon this past week and it has been quite a loss for everyone. Michael Jackson. Again, all the wealth and fame does not guarantee anything. Watch his CD's race to the top positions of the music charts. I even checked my library, yup, got them all, even the greatest hits. Michael rest in peace. No more fixing your looks. Wonder if he has it written in his will to have a big funeral or small family thing.

June 25, 2009 Farrah Fawcett

Just saw on the news Farrah Fawcett died this morning. How sad. I really really liked her. Loved her in the movies she made and of course Charlie's Angels. Loved the movie where she got raped by the guy and then held him captive in her fire place tied up. What was the name of that movie? Extremities? So sad. Goes to show all the money and fame can't change the fact that when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. I remember having a poster of her in high school in my locker so I would appear straight and cool. I told Tony earlier in the week I thought she would be gone by Friday. Not one of those times I wanted to be right. So this writing is dedicated to Farrah Fawcett. May her pain be no more and her memory live on.

June 25, 2009 Thursday Morning

Seems like a long time since I posted. Let me try to catch you up. I am listening to the Chorus Line Soundtrack as I type this because of seeing the play last night. So if you hear me singing out a few lines as the soundtrack plays................... Hot as hell again here in Milwaukee today. I am not sure I will leave the house today, maybe go outside for small amounts of time. Guess the heat wave will last until Sunday and then next week back to more comfortable lower 80s. It has been in the 90s the last few days, and humid. Yuck. Anyway. Yesterday I did finally get to meet with my past boss and see her dog which I love dearly. It had been 10 months. This dog spent every day in my office when I worked there due to the owner/boss bringing her to work everyday and the dog adores me. I called when I was in her driveway so she could send Molly outside and not pee from excitement in the house. She walked up to me and stood about 5 feet away and just looked at me till the owner picked her up and I went closer. It was then when she could smell me it was like a light bulb went off in the dogs head. I spent about 3 hours at her house and Molly was in my arms the entire time. She would not leave my side or arms. Molly is a Mulipoo. White and sooooo cute. Had a very nice conversation as well as a tour of her beautiful home. I am pursuing the option of working back at her company. She offered me very generous terms if I came back. As many hours as I can handle and any days I would choose. Most likely one day at a facility (Monday's) and one day at her home, maybe a little Internet and phone work from my home on some days. I am meeting her again next Monday where I use to work so we can walk around and access the situation and more of what she would have in mind for me. Believe it or not this has cause a little bit of tension at home. Tony is totally against me going back to work. I am honestly confused and unsure where he is coming from even though I have brought up the subject and we talk about it. It is not that he doesn't want me going back to work necessarily at my past job, he sounds more like he doesn't want me going back to work, period. Now that is very tempting but I have been around the house for 10 months now. I need more of a purpose and sense of accomplishment. I don't get any complement for keeping the house clean and food in Tony's stomach. I do get the feeling of complement as will as criticisms when I work. I can take one with the other and think it is only human nature to need more. I also for all the bitching I did at my past job did feel a sense of accomplishment and worth. I also know I could walk back into my job and some of my past duties very easily. I think I can handle two days a week, maybe a six hour day each day, which she is offering me. I do feel better when I force or push myself to accomplish something each day. I can't just sit around the house and look out the window each and every day. Today I plan on just cleaning and dusting and as you can see from this long post it is not something I look forward to starting. I have to also make a few phone calls. One to reschedule next Mondays therapist appointment since I am meeting the owner, one to confirm we can take care of a friends dog for a few hours on Saturday while his carpets get cleaned, ...............
and one to my doctor because I have had this fricken rash on my neck and now arms for over two weeks and it is driving me crazy itching. There are noticeable rash marks. I am just scared to call the doctor and putting it off because I would hate to think it is my meds and an adjustment might have to be made. I put a post at TheBody.com about it and have gotten many responses and emails. Some ranging from stress related, to sun related to needing to switch from Atripla (my cocktail) to a different AIDS drug. This of course would bring on more stress and of course side effects adjusting to a new cocktail drug. The last being of most concern to me. Made one phone call, the one confirming the dog visit Saturday. Two phone calls to go. Have to sit back and listen to my favorite song on the Chorus Line Soundtrack, What I Did For Love. I'm back, the cd player has now switched to the Les Miserables soundtrack, my favorite play and soundtrack. Last nights play A Chorus Line was very good. It did seem a little rough, I like a softer version of the songs when sung. It seemed they gave each song a harder edge rather than softly singing the songs. OK, let me reread this post, spell check and get this day going................

June 23, 2009 Tuesday Night

Hot Humid Horrible. Was in the 90s today here in Milwaukee. Very humid. Heat index over 100 degrees and heat warning here all day. Tomorrow it is suppose to be even hotter. Guess Gore was right. Did a little trimming of the grass early this morning before it got too hot. Moved very slowly around the house even with the central air conditioning on. You can still just feel the humidity. Went outside as little as possible. Did a lot of resting in between each task. Drove to Walgreen's, stuck my hand in the pool which is still to cold, and picked up dog poop outside. That was it until Tony came home from work and we went to a car show as the sun was setting at the Harley Davidson Museum. You would think it would have gotten some what cooler with the sun setting but no, now there is no breeze and hotter than hell. Came home from the car show and took a second shower for the day. Watching America's Got Talent on NBC. I do like this show. Liked it when Jerry Springer hosted better. DVR'ing a show on History Channel I was told was very good. It is called Life After People. Was told by a neighbor to watch because she thought it was one of the best shows she has seen in memory. So I am passing it along. I am sure it is shown many times on the History Channel. Tomorrow I am meeting with my past boss and seeing her dog Molly. Should be tearful and well worth the wait. Will be interesting to see if the dog remembers me after 10 months. Tomorrow night we have tickets to see the Broadway Play Chorus Line at the PAC here in Milwaukee. Seen it many times, even the TV version. Always enjoyable to sit back and watch. Should be a good show. Till then.............

June 22, 2009 Monday Night

Had a good day for a Monday. Got up by 7 AM and got the morning routine started. Was at my therapist appointment at 11 AM. I am thinking of cutting the therapist appointments down or discontinuing for a while since it is summer, I feel better mentally, and there is so much to do and other meetings and groups if I need support rather than a weekly meeting with her cutting into my day. I have another appointment next week, but I think I might make them monthly for a while, during the summer. Read the advice from yesterdays blog regarding not nagging Tony so much if he got a job I wanted done, finished. I get it and agree. Thanks for setting me back on the right road. Got home from my therapist and made an enclosure for the pool I set up in the back yard. Enclosed so the tree it is under doesn't fill it daily with leaves and crap falling from the tree. Had a 12' x 12' tarp that I used as a cover. Vacuumed and took a second shower so I could smell fresh for my 6 PM dinner meeting at BioScrip here in Milwaukee. Got dinner, good information. The monthly meetings stop for the summer after this meeting and resume in September. Was hot again today here in Milwaukee. It must have gotten to 85 degrees and very humid. Looks like the rest of the week is in the 80s or even 90s mid week. The central air conditioning went on around noon today. Just to hot and humid for me. Looks like the house will have the air conditioning on for the week. Our upstairs tenant's brother died today. Never good news and was unexpected. It will be a long week for their family. Just watching CBS rerun lineup tonight. Never did watch the last two episodes of Invasion yet. We last night watched about four episodes of the show Weeds which is on Showtime. It is a very good show. We are about half way through season four. I must say I liked the first 3 seasons better. I liked it better when she lived in the 'tiny boxes'. Living on the Mexico border is getting boring. I do LOVE Celia. She should get an award for her acting in season four, they put her through so much. LOL. Till tomorrow. .....

June 21, 2009 Sunday Night

Woke up this morning feeling OK. I did get up my usual three times during the night to pee. Was up and out of bed by 7:30 AM today. Tony of course was up much earlier. After reading a bit of the newspaper I made eggs, sausage, toast and coffee cake for breakfast. It was so hot and humid yesterday and it looks like it is going to continue through the week. So, this morning I set up the 12 foot pool I bought a month ago in the back yard. Got it all blown up and filled with water. Got the pump and filter going on a timer. Hopefully by Wednesday when it is expected to be in the 90s the water will be warm enough to swim in. Covered it up with a tarp so the leaves and bugs don't get in the water. After it was about 1/2 full I turned off the water so we could meet some friends at a car show near the Milwaukee airport. Was a big car show. Lots of cars for Tony to look at, and a nice crowd to keep me interested. Got home after 3 PM after stopping off to buy our weekly lottery tickets. One of these days.............. Finished filling the pool. Working good so far. Tony and I both showered again for the day since it is so hot and humid here in Milwaukee and then we walked three blocks, yes walked, to a new Italian Cafe that just opened this past weekend. Had the spaghetti and meat balls. VERY GOOD. Tony had some kind of spaghetti and meat balls with mushrooms. I do not eat mushrooms. Both of us enjoyed the dinner. Was reasonably priced and would go back again. The spaghetti sauce was very sweet, but that is how I like it and make my sauce when I cook. Now that we are home there is nothing on TV. So I am going to fire up the DVR and watch the final two episodes of Invasion that we recorded. Been holding off for just the right time when I will not be bothered.
So, until tomorrow.

June 20, 2009 Saturday Night

Tippsy. Feeling no pain. Jeez am I a light weight. Had less than 2 drinks at the North Avenue Street Festival and I am having the hardest time typing this blog. Disclaimer: Not responsible for what gets written from this point forward. LOL

Last night the storms in Milwaukee were not as bad as the storms to the south of us. Racine and Kenosha got hit hard. Jo will know what I am talking about. Hwy 94 and exit 50 was completely under water from the amount of rain and the tornado that went through Kenosha. We had rain here in Milwaukee and a little bit of lightening. After the night before's storms they would be hard to beat. Tony and I watched some boring horror flick on Chiller TV last night and were in bed by 10 PM due to lack of sleep the night before, due to the storms that lasted endlessly. Since we went to bed so early Tony was up by 6 AM, I got up at 7 PM, trying to stay in bed as long as I could. Read the morning paper and did the morning routine. Tony headed to the auto body shop by 9:30 with some excuse. LOL I think he just needs to get away from me at least once a day. It's Saturday. The shop is closed. I mentioned I would love for him to finish the small part of the easement on the second floor I could not reach last week when painting. He of course said he would be home in no time. I did have to call and ask him at about 11:30 when he thought he might be home. I in the mean time cleaned out the garage rain gutters, vacuumed, cleaned up the yard, showered and had the ladder set up for him. He managed to take all afternoon to finish an area that would have taken me an hour, but it was an area I can not reach and feel uncomfortable painting because it is so high and not a lot to hold on to. He did get it done by 4:30. Three beers later of course. What is it about husbands that when they do a house project they seem to spend 10 minutes on the project and an hour patting themselves on the back for the little they accomplished. Plus a project you know you could do more efficiently they turn into a MAJOR project. When it could have been done without making it into one. I swear it is the alcohol talking. The area I wanted finished is finished. I took each of the dogs for a walk around the block and tinkered around the house as Tony painted. After the dogs were fed and Tony was showered we went to a street festival called North Avenue Block Party. They close off a big portion of the eastside we live on where a lot of the trendy bars are. Less than a half mile away. As you can tell we had a good time. Ran into some friends of Tony's as well as friends of ours. Got home and turned on the central air conditioning because over 80 degrees is too damn hot to sleep in. From the weather, looks like the air conditioning will be on for a while. I knew it would go from cool to hot in a week here in Milwaukee. Watching Harper's Island, or at least as much as one can watch while typing this blog making a spelling mistake at least every five words. Needed a night out. Tony worked hard today painting as well as I did earlier in the day. The tension has still been there since at this point Tony has not gotten final word on his shop loan without my signature or cosigning. So we needed the night out. I am sure we will be sleeping by 10:30. Tony much earlier than I. Sunday we have a car show and meeting some friends at it. Suppose to be hot again tomorrow. Not liking hot. Going to reread this blog and post before my mind totally turns to mush. Don't worry, I won't forget to take my pills before I fall asleep. Have still not missed even one night of the AIDS cocktail Atripla since starting in January. Not one night. Guess that is why my numbers are doing as well as one could expect. But that thought just brought me down so I am going to sign off now.

June 19, 2009 Friday Late Afternoon

If I ever say we don't get big thunder/lightning storms here remind me about last night. Unbelievable! I thought the world was coming to an end.

Went to me board meeting yesterday afternoon and when I got home I was bound and determined to finish the second coat of paint on the area I had started the day before. Did it. Made spaghetti for dinner and waited for the storms to roll in. About 12:20 AM last night they began. I honestly do not remember the last time we had such thunder and lightning. It last 3 hours and was non stop for the entire 3 hours. There were some lightning and thunder that I thought must have hit right out back of the house they were so loud and shook the house. I sat in our glass enclosure for a while till I actually backed my way into the house because it was so threatening. Vito barked, cried and wailed the entire 3 hours. Kali shook like a leaf the entire 3 hours. Barkley and Stella could not have cared less. I thought Kali and Vito were going to have a heart attach they got so disturbed. What a light show, what a sound show. I thought the world was coming to an end when the fire trucks rolled down our street going somewhere at 1:30 AM. Lightning must have hit a house close by. The rain was coming down so hard the streets had inches of rain with no place to go. Lots of flooding and lightning damage on the news around Milwaukee this morning. More storms are rolling in for early this evening, some could be severe. I am watching them on the radar and they are just crossing from Iowa into Wisconsin. With it getting as humid as it is I am sure they will be huge. I love storms, but last nights storms where even a little scary for me. No wind so to speak, just very loud non stop lightning and thunder for 3 hours straight.

Got up this morning pretty tired from being up most of the night. Managed to get out of the house and to Walgreen's, Pick N Save, and the hardware store prior to Tony showing up with Stella so Tony and I could go to lunch with the guys. Once again a lunch filled with laughs and even a little knowledge. Somehow we got into the subject of concrete only for someone to inform us the Hoover Damn concrete is still drying in the middle even though the damn was built so long ago. It takes cement that long to dry and get hard when it is as thick as a damn. Got home and did a little cleaning and vacuuming. Making salad and pizza for super tonight. Tony will be tired from working all day and lack of sleep last night, plus the storms coming in at dinner time tonight, it does not sound like a good idea to leave the house. Looks like summer is here. It is in the mid 80s today and getting very humid. I HATE HUMID. Contemplating turning on the central air conditioning it is getting that humid and hot out. I am just to lazy to go around and close all the windows. Looks like 80s for at least the next week according to the long term forecast. Over 80 degrees is getting too hot for me. I like 60s and 70s. Will right again soon. Storms must be headed eastward so brace yourself out there.

June 18, 2009 Thursday Morning

Had a day of struggles yesterday. From the time I woke up till the time I went to bed I had to push myself through the day. In the morning it rained which doesn't help me get going on any day. By the afternoon the sun started to come out and it got a bit easier to get through the day. I honestly can not believe how much the weather and lack of sun affects me. I did manage to get done most I wanted during the course of the day taking long rest breaks in between each project. I scraped a part of the house and gave it one coat of paint. No energy today to put the second coat on yet. Also played with the pond trying to clean it up a bit. Last night we went to a car show at the Solid Gold McDonald's here in Milwaukee. Dragged myself through it. Watched a little TV and went to bed at 10 PM.

Today the sun is out and Summer seems to finally be coming. I can feel the humidity and tonight we are suppose to get some huge storms. I love storms. I played with the pond a little more this morning and when I am done typing this blog I have to get in the shower so I can get to my ARCW board meeting from 1 PM to 3 PM. Hope we accomplish something this time. If I had more energy I would type more. Just can't seem to get it together these last two days.

June 16, 2009 Tuesday Night

Got up this morning feeling tired and sad. Had a dream about my past boss and her dog. Was not a bad dream but I haven't seen this dog that loved me dearly for almost 10 months now. So I called my past boss and had a nice conversation. We have been trying for some time to get together for a puppy visit with no luck. We firmed up a day next week. This made me very happy. My past boss also said again how much she misses me, how much I helped keep her on track, and how much she would appreciate me thinking about working for her personally. I did enjoy working for her. She is a strong, dominant, work oriented person, but fair. She expects a lot of her employees but is fair in her expectations. We always saw things pretty much on the same page. I told her I still would be interested in finding out more about what she would have in mind and we will talk more next week when we get together. I do know how busy she is and I do appreciate her work ethic. We are both 'get it done now' kind of people. She would like to talk about me working for her personally a couple days a week, a couple hours a day, when I am up to it on a given day. Sounds very much like something I can do and would be happy to do. The only problem is she lives about a half hour away so the drive would be the downfall. Will keep you informed on what happens.

Did some work around the yard. Started draining part of the pond as I filled it from the opposite side. The water is so cloudy and no solution I add seems to be helping. So I figure if I daily change out some of the water it might look better and be able to see the 40 or so fish when they are at the bottom of the pond. While the pond was filling and draining I did a little weeding and then opened the back garage to get the second half of the long ladder to use on the high points of the house as I continue painting. As I was getting the ladder out of the garage the door slammed shut and I found myself trapped in the garage with no apparent way to get out. I kind of panicked for a while trying to get the door to go up so I could get out of the garage, with no luck. I finally found the latch, in the dark, and got the door open. For a while there I thought I would be stuck in the back garage until Tony got home 6 hours later. Got showered and drove to the pet store to pick up more special dry dog food for Barkley. The food and the antibiotic are clearing up his skin perfectly. Plus he has stopped chewing and licking himself and making sores. Then headed to Walgreen's to pick up 4 prescriptions, one of which, the pain pills, they have to order from another pharmacy and will have the rest of the prescription tomorrow. So I guess I will be going to Walgreen's again tomorrow. Went to Tony's shop and got Stella and brought her home. She was very happy to see me. She doesn't care if she is with me at home, or Tony at the auto body shop, just as long as she is with one of her daddies. Honestly, I think she likes to go to the shop for a while, but then is happy to see me take her home rather than having to stay all day. Not sure what happened to the rest of the afternoon, LOL. I am actually shaking my head as I sit here because I honestly can't think where the rest of the afternoon went. It started drizzling about an hour ago so that means I have to make dinner rather than eat at the Tuesday Harley Davidson car show. Making Bertolli Chicken Parmesan, actually this stuff is not so bad and very easy to make. Will throw some garlic bread in the oven and call it dinner. Have to surf through the reruns on TV tonight and see if we might not have caught something the first time around.

I am sure there will be not much conversation here at home tonight because Tony and I are having a disagreement. It will pass. After 20 years together it sometimes is good to have these 'corrections' in the relationship. He is refinancing his auto body shop and I initially agreed to co-sign on the new loan since the bank said I am a 50% member of the LLC. I checked into this and refiled the LLC so I was only 10% owner so I would not have to co-sign on the loan. I have no problem co-signing the loan if I am then also on the Title/Deed of the property. The shop has always been in Tony's name, the house in mine. I would not expect him to co-sign on the house loan and not put him on the deed/title. I do not want in any way to take the auto body shop he has made a business of away from HIM in any way. I know some might not understand, but since we can not get legally married in Wisconsin it is best for all concerned to have it this way. The auto body shop in Tony's name, the house in mine. I always figured if someone were to sue Tony because of something with the business, we would still have the house and a roof over our head. In turn, if someone sued me for something we would always have the business. Either way when one of us dies the other gets it, but tax wise it is best to keep it all separate. Does anyone see my point? I watch too many Judge Judy's to co-sign a loan and not have something to show for it. Remember, we are not married in the eyes of Wisconsin.

Going to finish dinner. Tony is now in the shower. Still drizzling outside. The TV, couch and dogs for the night.

June 15, 2009 Monday Afternoon

The word of the day is 'undetectable'. More on that later.

Sunday around noon we walked up to Locust Street festival to see who was there and watch the beer run. Runner run from bar to bar and have a drink at each bar. I could not do that even with the beer incentive. After we spent some time at Locust Street festival we headed over to the Third Ward for the Pridefest Parade. Was one of the best parades in history. Sun was out, beautiful weather. Where we went to watch the parade Miller Brewery is opening a new bar so they were giving out free beer and food. Unlimited beer and pork loin sandwiches. Filled up on the sandwiches and let Tony drink the beer. Sunday late afternoon we went back to Locust Street Block party for about an hour. It was so crowded and so many people there it was hard to even walk up and down the road through the festival. Was glad we left the festival around 5:45 because the gun fire started at 6 PM. One person shot by a gang member flashing signs. Such a shame one person can ruin a festival that has had no problems ever with one shot of a gun. Rested for about an hour and headed back to Pridefest for the Deborah Cox concert. Was very disappointing. She sang 7 songs and left. Three of the songs were slow songs, 4 were dance songs. Very disappointing that she did not sing her most recent dance songs. Thinking about writing a letter to her and Pridefest to tell them how disappointing the concert was. Came home early because Tony and I were both tired. We were both in bed by 10 PM. Did not sleep well last night. Thinking it was because of the anxiety of today's blood test results from my AIDS doctor. All in all it was a very nice weekend. Very fun.

Monday. Today Tony and I slept in till about 7:30 AM. (not on purpose) Got Tony off to work and started doing all I could do around the house prior to going to my doctor to find out my latest blood results. Tony went with me as support when I got my results today. Tony is a good man.
My HIV viral load is undetectable. This is a good thing and the goal. My TCell count has risen to 284. I was hoping for a higher TCell count but the doctor seems to be happy with my progress. At least they are headed in the right direction, increasing. Was also hoping to not have to take my Acylovir and Fluconazole after this doctor visit but that is not the case. He wants me to continue taking till my next blood test in September when my TCell count will hopefully be higher. I guess I should be happy with this latest round of blood tests. Maybe the fact I am so exhausted from the weekend is keeping me from celebrating. I am so tired I think everything else I wanted to accomplish today is going to have to wait until tomorrow. I think it is time for a nap.

June 14, 2009 Sunday Morning

Exhausted! I feel like someone threw sand in my eyes. Had a very nice yesterday. Tony and I ended up going to Pridefest for the afternoon. Walked around till our feet hurt. The festival is along the Milwaukee lakefront. Pridefest is the first of the summer festivals at the lakefront grounds. The weather has been almost perfect. It was a bit chilly Friday night. Saturday I thought was comfortable since I like 60s and 70s. Today it is in the 70s. And no rain all weekend. It can be so hit and miss. I remember two years ago when it rained all weekend and attendance was so low it threatened the next years festival. Got bored walking around by 4:30 PM and headed home to rest a bit and feed the dogs. Met some friends down at Pridefest again last night by 7:30. Had a great time. Brandy was the on the main stage. By the end of the night Tony and I were dancing in the dance tent, me with my shirt open sweating up a storm. Haven't danced like that in a long long time. It reminded me of a 'freak fest' all the young kids and leather guys dancing and going nuts to the thumping beats. I was in heaven. Tony tried to smile and make the most of it moving as little as possible to the beats. We actually closed down the festival last night leaving at Midnight when it closed. We came home and didn't even turn on the TV, went straight to bed. I guess Deborah Cox is tonight along with September so we are going to have to go down to Pridefest grounds again tonight. So much to do today. The Locust street festival a block down the road we will get to by noon. Tony grow up in the neighborhood so he sees many people he knows or grew up with. Then we have to be downtown by 2 PM for the Pridefest parade. Always worth a few laughs and smiles. Then we will come back home and go back to Locust Street festival till about dinner time, feed the dogs and head down to Pridefest for the night. I am sure we will be there till closing again since the concerts don't start till after 7 PM. That is if they even start on time. No gay show ever seems to start on time. Drag show or concert, never. So, I have to get my tired butt to the shower so I can get the day going. I did make us a big eggs, sausage and toast breakfast so the day is on.

June 13, 2009 Saturday Morning

Got up early Friday morning and started the daily routine. Read in the newspaper that the Pet Shop Boys are coming to Milwaukee in September and tickets go on sale at noon. I LOVE Pet Shop Boys. So after the Friday grocery shopping and lunch with the guys I got online and bought 2 tickets for the concert. The concert is September 15th so that means I am not going anywhere till then. Would not spend $70 a ticket and not be around. Tony is not a fan of the Pet Shop Boys so if I am not around the tickets would be a waste. So you guys are stuck with my until at least the middle of September. :) Took a long nap Friday afternoon since I know this is going to be a big weekend. Tony got home around 5:30 PM and we invited some friends over prior to going to the party and Pridefest. Went to the party with our friends. Had a great time. Know most of the people at the party. A very pretty group of guys. We then went to Pridefest around 9:30 PM and stayed there till almost closing at Midnight. Saw Cindy Lauper, or at least heard her. I did get a glimps here and there of her but the crowd was huge. Today's newspaper said attendance was up 42% over last year. Got home and watched TV for about an hour till I just could not stay up any longer. Tonight is Brandy and Deborah Cox.

This morning my sister called me at 8 AM in tears telling me she joined my nieces blog and then notice about 12 hours later that since she joined my blog it listed my blog as one she follows on my nieces blog. She was so upset and so sorry. She said she fixed it but is not sure if someone in our family that still does not know my status might have seen the link and it might be out there now. I told her to stop crying. I told her she did not do it on purpose and that we will let the chips fall where they fall. I love my sister Patti so much and I told her I loved her and to stop crying and worrying about it. Maybe she even did me a favor. I plan on calling her in a bit and once again reassuring her she should stop worrying about it. I am more upset she woke me up at 8 AM than maybe mistakenly sharing my blog. LOL

Will have a lazy morning this morning till we head to Pridefest again this afternoon. Home for dinner and feed the dogs, and back there at the fest for the night. Will be an exhausting day.

June 11, 2009 Late Afternoon

Thought I would pretend I don't notice the dogs all at my feet trying to tell me they are hungry and write today's blog. I feed them at 5 PM. If and when I feed them any earlier than that, the next day they start asking even earlier than on most days. In a lot of pain. Good pain. Did a lot of work today. Took a pain pill about an hour ago my back hurts so much. Got up this morning at 6:30 after a little bed play with Tony. Got showered and out the door a little after 8 AM for my 8:30 AM dentist appointment at ARCW. I hate going to the dentist more than going to the doctor. Had to have two cavities drilled and filled. I hate the shots. Hate the shots so much that as a kid I use to let the dentist drill without shots. Now I am a lot older and wiser so I know the pain of the shots will be much less than the pain of the drilling without shots. Got home and started putting together a car canopy we have had in the garage still in the box for at least 2 years. Bought it on sale. Have had other canopies over the back cars but they deteriorate in time and had to be taken down and thrown away. Cut the front yard grass. Took another shower and now since the dogs are fed I am just waiting for Tony to come home with Stella. Not going anywhere tonight. I think we will order a pizza cause I am too tired and sore to cook. Will spend the rest of the night on the couch watching the Invasion marathon on Chiller TV. Tomorrow night are the last four episodes of the season. It is so worth it to watch the last episode. Like I said in yesterday's blog it is like a concentration camp that the aliens made to then force the people into the water so the aliens can take over their bodies.

Friday I plan on going grocery shopping, lunch with Tony and the guys, nap the afternoon away and then the big Milwaukee Pridefest weekend begins. Not sure when I will have time to post. Have a Pre Pride party tomorrow night at dinner and then we will head down to the festival for the night to see Cindy Lauper. Saturday we will be there all afternoon and then again all night. Deborah Cox is at the festival Saturday night. Sunday between Pridefest and the block party two blocks away, Sunday will be a full day. I will be exhausted on Monday. Monday I get my latest blood test results. Should be interesting.

Eggplant. Michelle, I love deep fried Eggplant. With red dipping sauce. My mouth is watering. Now I will have to get some next time we are at an Italian restaurant. Don't forget to bring it to the house deep fried. LOL I wouldn't know what to do with them if you gave them to me from the garden.

Saw my baby rabbit today. He is eating my carrots so fast. I bought a huge bag of carrots last week and they are almost all gone. They are on my shopping list to buy again tomorrow. I put some lettuce out for him / her but it dried up before it found the lettuce. Hope everyone is doing OK. Till we meet again...........

June 10, 2009 Wednesday Night

Got up this morning around 7 AM. Got everything done around the house by 8:30 and was outside painting. Got the area above the kitchen sliding doors painted today on the first floor. Worked on the painting till about 1:30 and then I showered and got Stella to her vet appointment at 3 PM for hopefully her last blood test. After I got her home I touched up a little of the painting from this morning and after Tony got home we went to a local restaurant for cheap burgers. After dinner I went to my Wednesday night HIV meeting. Five of us where there tonight.

I am so excited. Last night when I was flipping through the channels to see what was on TV I found on Chiller TV that they are showing the complete season of Invasion. Some of you might remember this show. It was on after Lost the first season that Lost was on TV. I LOVED THIS SHOW. The final season final, which was not planned as being the last show, was just awesome. This show should have never been canceled. All the main actors have gone on to more TV shows. Basically the premise of the show was about a small town somewhere down south that had a hurricane. During the hurricane these fish like aliens took over people when they where in the water or go in the water still. The alien takes over your body and some people change for the better, some for the worse. Some people in this small town are figuring out that some people are just not the same since the hurricane. The series is about finding the answers and how involved the government is on this alien take over. On the final episode shown, the aliens had gathered thousands of people together like something out of the holocaust and were forcing them into the water as these aliens in the water took over the people's bodies. It sounds cornier than it was. I think I bitch for months about this show being canceled didn't I Jack? Anyway they are showing the complete season this week on Chiller TV. If you get Chiller TV on AT&T either watch it or DVR it. They are showing three episodes a night and the story is just beginning. Chiller shows the three nightly episodes twice each night this week. I will be watching the complete season or DVD'ing it this week. This show is so good, should never have been canceled.