March 22, 2009 Sunday Evening

Went out to eat Friday night but the restaurant was too crowded to talk. Came home and had a disagreement about services charges and interest on a credit card balance when we have money to pay the bill. An interest charge of $110 makes no sense to me and is like throwing money out the window. Makes no sense to me. Went to bed not speaking to each other. Saturday we got up early and I made breakfast. Spent most of the day cleaning up around the outside and then moved the Cadillac from the back garage to the front garage so we can use it when the weather gets nice. Removed the plow blade hoping we will not need it any more this season attached to the truck. Then loaded up the back garage with all the crap I cleaned out of the side yard and some wood for the deck I am building off the side of the house. I am replacing the side decks this year. They are over 10 years old and in need of an update. Later in the day I simply had Tony read the blog from Friday. He didn't have much to say except 'I don't see a problem'.

Saturday was our 20th anniversary of our 1st date so we made

reservations to go to the top of the Hyatt. The revolving restaurant called Polaris Room. It overlooks Milwaukee. The picture to the right shows where our house is. It is between the tower and the green steeple of the church in the middle of the picture. We sat down, ordered a drink and looked at the menu. Now I see why they are going out of business next month. The menu was over priced. Had about seven selections. And the only side the $35 + meal had was ---- Mac and Cheese. Mac and Cheese for a side on a $35 + meal? No way. So we cut our losses and went to a restaurant we go to often and had a good dinner. Came home and watched the movie Quarantine. It was OK. A scary movie. I jumped once really high and Tony said I sounded like a school girl.

Today we got up early and started tearing apart the canopy and

deck outside the kitchen door on the side of the house. We got it

all torn apart and then went to Builders Square and bought new wood for the new deck I hope to make this week. Only bought the wood I need for the base and flooring. I will get the railings wood once the flooring of the deck is finished and I have a fuller vision of what I hope to accomplish. I put a picture of the deck torn apart and the base started to the right. As you can see I have my work cut out for me. Work I enjoy doing.

Took time out to have lunch at Tony's mom's house this afternoon. She made a big Italian dinner, was very good. Now it is time to relax for the night. Tomorrow I have my therapist appointment in the morning and hopefully if the weather holds I can get outside and continue with the deck. I will keep you updated on my progress.

March 20, 2009 Friday Afternoon

WARNING: TODAY'S BLOG TOPIC IS ABOUT SEX. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH TO THE SUBJECT PLEASE SKIP TODAY'S BLOG.
I will try to be as delicate as possible with the subject. With that said. Tonight I am hoping to take Tony out to eat and find a quiet corner to talk about a subject we have really not touched on in this blog much less needs further discussion between Tony and myself. Sex! Tony and my sex up to January mainly consisted of me giving him oral sex while I please myself. It was mutually pleasurable. We are not into anal sex and have not since 1992 when I had hemorrhoid surgery. Since then it has not been pleasurable or an option. Tony was never into receiving anal sex or giving oral sex. He is more of a lay back and please me kind of guy. It has not been that bad of an adjustment since I enjoy my part (giving) and Tony has found pleasure in his part (receiving). Since January everything has of course changed. We have broke down and had sex about once a week. We use to have sex almost daily. Since January I have only given Tony oral sex with a condom on him. Now I am not sure if any of you have ever sucked on a condom, but it is as fun as sucking on a balloon. Even the strawberry flavored condoms are horrible. This past week in the middle of it all I just could not continue to suck on the condom and we ended up finishing ourselves off laying next to each other. It was very frustrating for both of us and we have not addressed the subject since then. Here is my dilemma. My doctor told us that with my next blood test I will most likely be undetectable which means the HIV virus has been lowered to a point that can not be counted. This is good, but does not mean I still do not have HIV or could give it to someone else. He further told us that receiving oral sex from an HIV+ person is the safest of sex since you can not get HIV from saliva. So the chances of Tony contracting HIV from me while I am giving him oral sex is as slim as winning the lottery. In fact there are no known cases of anyone contracting HIV from receiving oral sex. I would never let him or anyone else give me oral sex ever again due to the fact I would not want to infect anyone else. I am still fearful of giving him HIV. My problem is: Is it fair to Tony that he must make a choice at 48 years old to either not have sex ever again with me, wear a condom and have less pleasurable sex, or take a slim chance of contracting HIV from me if we continue as we were prior to January. I know Tony will say something like 'I am not afraid' or 'it is worth the risk, I love you'. Is it? Can I take that risk? Could I live with myself knowing I gave him HIV? I am having a hard time with this but the fear of never having enjoyable sex ever again at the age of 47 is scary. I would not want to give HIV to Tony or anyone else. Realistically, even if Tony contracted HIV today, his heart would probably be the thing that does him in, not HIV, since he would live longer on the meds for HIV than having a bad heart. But can I do this to him? Should I just let him go? Should I let him have affairs on the side? Is any of this fair to him? He offered last weekend to take the condom off, I just couldn't let him. Sex is a big part of any relationship, so saying we can't every have sex again without a condom is hard to swallow, no pun intended. It will not be an issue till the middle of April when I get my next test results that will hopefully show I am undetectable. But it is something that has to be talked about and addressed. I know there are couples out there that for one reason or another stop having sex because of one or the others issue or problem. Is it fair to tell someone he can no longer have sex the rest of his life when he is the innocent party? I am really struggling with this. I am about ready to tell him it might be best for him to find someone else and enjoy his life. It doesn't seem fair that my problem should now become his. Any advice?

March 19, 2009 Thursday Afternoon

I couldn't let the afternoon go by and not show you a picture
of the five dogs. I took this about a half hour ago. They have a

very hard life as you can see. I did have a place somewhere on

the couch inbetween Kali and Zoe. You can see from left to right

Stella, Vito (above), Zoe, Kali, and Barkley on the recliner.

I would hate to call them spoiled ...... you be the judge. I'm

thinking they decided it was nap time and forgot to tell me.

Welcome to my world.

I was out of the house a little after 10 am today to go to

the local Gay Coffee Shop to buy two new rainbow flags

for the house. The two in the first picture are the ones I

bought today to replace the ones that needed replacing.

Had to get the ladder out of the garage and drag it all the

way to the front of the house. Don't like ladders and

heights, but managed to get the job done.

The picture here to the right is the side yard. I had two very
large rainbow flags so I hung them in the side yard. Had to
make a flag pole for the one. Hung the other on the pole that
holds up the bird house. Adds so much color to the house
and yard. How gay hey?

The dogs are looking way to comfortable on the couch. I think
it is time to join them.

March 19, 2009 Thursday Morning

Wow, I forgot to post anything yesterday I was so busy. On Wednesday morning I picked up some prescriptions from Walgreens, headed to Radio Shack to see if they had outdoor security cameras to replace the one I broke. They didn't. Did my monthly shopping at Walmart and was home by noon. Spent the afternoon doing things around the house and outside. Only got to the high 40s on Wednesday. Made a pizza for dinner and headed out the door for my Wednesday night HIV group meeting. Found out some news that was not good. I guess the reason the blood test on the viral load is more important than the Tcell count is because as your Tcell count grows the new Tcells do not have the immunity that the Tcells you have left do. So new Tcells are good but they do not know how to fight all the crap your body got immune to as a child. So new Tcells are not the same as having your original Tcells. Didn't like hearing this. This is why it is so important that someone like me stays away from anyone who is sick and why we have to take better care of ourselves. Got home around 9 pm last night and went to bed around 10:30 pm.

Today, Thursday, I will get Tony off to work and continue on my list of things to get done around the house. Have no meetings or appointments today so I should get a lot done around here today. Not much warmer here in Milwaukee today but it will get close to 50 degrees which is warm enough for me to get outside and do some work in the yard this afternoon. The ice is almost all gone in the pond, once it is totally gone I can set up the other pumps for the fish. Hopefully by this weekend the pond should be up and running and I can begin feeding the fish again. Looks like they all survived the winter. I love just sitting outside and watching the fish swim and play. I will try to write later and let you know what I all got done around here today. Isn't today the first day of Spring?

March 17, 2009 Tuesday Night

Got up this morning around 6:30. Didn't sleep well and just couldn't lay in bed anymore. Got Tony off to work and had the five dogs for the day. Made a full page list of things to get done. Got a couple things done before I took apart one of our outside cameras. What a mistake that was. I took apart one of the lenses and all its parts. I couldn't get it back together and working. So finally I broke down and took apart another camera paying very close attention to how it was put together. Then the phone rang. Came back and now there are two camera lenses I can not get to work. I spent over three hours on these frickin lenses and finally got them to work. Well, one works better than the other, but I had to move on. I can always adjust it on another day. Moved one of the outside cameras to the side yard. By this time it was time for Tony to come home from work. Went to Brady Street for St. Patricks day and had a couple of drinks with our tenants. Bought a sub and ate it when we got home. Home already and can't wait to go to bed. I am beat. It got to 70 here in Milwaukee today so I made the best of it and opened up the windows and got outside almost all day. Even got a little color from the sun. Feels good. Tomorrow it is suppose to be only in the 40s so I made the best of the warm weather till it slowly returns. Bought what I hope are my last few packs of cigs tonight. They are going up 70 cents tomorrow so it is time to quit. They will be over $5.00 a pack after tomorrow. By Monday I should be a non smoker. Cross your fingers. Going to do it with the patch since a prescrip of Chantix requires me to see my doctor and I've had it up to about here with doctors at the time. I can do it. I've done it before. Going to go relax on the couch and then off to bed around 10 pm. Got to do some shopping at Walgreens and Walmart tomorrow while its cold.

March 16, 2009 Monday Night

Got up today at 6 am and was out the door by 6:45 to stand in line at the SDC to file for energy assistance. I was number 28 even that early. I saw numbers over 50. I was the only white guy in the place. They hand out numbers as you get there and only take so many people each day. After sitting for an hour I got part one intake done, then waited another 2 hours till I was called to finish the paperwork. Got it, but it was over three hours of waiting and sitting. Got home and had to start cleaning up the house, vacuuming, dishes, laundry and then had to go outside and play in the yard. All the snow is gone here in Milwaukee and has been for a while. It got to the 50s again today and suppose to be close to 70 tomorrow I think. Then back to the 30s at the end of the week. March in Wisconsin. Took Stella to Tony's shop around 3 so she could play with Zoe in their caged enclosure. This way she would only be trapped with a new dog for 2 hours. Tomorrow I will take her at lunch time so she has a half day there. Stella does not play well with others. Well, not true, but she needs to be watched. She doesn't want any other dog to touch her ball. Zoe doesn't know how to play with other dogs and just sits there wondering what the heck Stella is doing. I heard she did try once to go play with Stella and her ball and it did not go well. No big deal, but someone did have to step in. Eventually Stella will go to work for the entire day with our tenants dog and be at work most days. It wears her out more than being home with me. She use to go every day prior to getting sick a couple months ago and me being off work. I did take Barkley around the block for a walk this afternoon. Also took Vito and Kali tethered together for a walk around the block. So I got my excercise for the day. Made a big dinner of ribs, mashed potatoes and corn. Just sittin back watchin Dancing With The Stars. Have to break down and go to Walmart sometime this week. I hate our Walmarts. The ones in the city here are just trashed and its unbelievable how in some places the shelves are just empty. But every couple months I have to restock the necessities. Will put it on the back burner for when the temp drops later in the week. I actually made a full page list of things to do outside in the yard. And those are just the obvious things. If the summer goes on and I don't find a part time job I thing I will paint the house myself this year. I can do the first floor but someone will have to do the peaks. I can't go up that high on the ladder. Should just log off, hard to watch all the hot dancers and type.

March 15, 2009 Sunday Night

Had a great time on Saturday at the play The Sum Of Us. Then went out to dinner at a local bar/restaurant. Brought the guys home to see the house and meet the dogs and of course have a few more drinks. Had a great time. Paul and Jan are the greatest. Got to bed around 11:00 pm and was up by 7 am this morning. Read the paper, showered and off to the other side of town to take Tony's mom out to breakfast. After breakfast we went to Big Lot because I wanted a pond bridge that was on sale. Ended up buying that and a bunch of crap we didn't need. Spent the afternoon
outside building the bridge and extending it because it was not long
enough to fit across the pond. It turned out pretty good. (Picture on the side of this posting) Not totally done. I still have to finish the back end of the bridge and wait for the ice to totally melt before doing more. It felt good to be outside in the 50s working in the yard. My back hurts but in a good way, I know I did a lot of bending and picking stuff up. Got to get the pond turtle lights on yet tonight if I have the strength, otherwise there is always tomorrow. Hopefully will lay back and watch Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters and call it a night.

March 14, 2009 Saturday Afternoon

Got Stella in her diaper for last night. I put a picture to the right of this posting of what she looks like with the diaper on. It actually gets pulled up a little higher on her butt. I had to re put it on twice during the night because I had noticed she had removed it. I finally duct taped it to her and it stayed on till morning. I don't think she likes it, but such is life. I don't like a lot of the things I have to do these days. Plus it saves us having to change the bedding at 4 or 5 in the morning. Watched a weeks worth of One Life to Live today, laid down for about an hour and now I am showered and lookin good for our night out on the town seeing a play and then out to dinner. It is in the 50s today in Milwaukee. Can Spring or Summer be far behind? I hope so. I am so tired of the cold and snow. Will write again later tonight or tomorrow and let you know how the play and dinner was. Till then enjoy the weekend.

March 13, 2009 Friday Dinner Time

Friday the 13th. So far nothing bad has happened, knock wood. What a day. I think this is actually the first time I've had to sit down and take a breath. You would have needed roller skates to keep up with me today. Got woken up by moving my legs under the covers and feeling something wet. Damn it! Stella has had problems in the past with holding her bladder all night and peeing in her sleep. We have her on meds for it. Well, guess they didn't work last night. Five in the morning. You lay there for a minute thinking you will just clean it all in an hour when we get up, but then you just can't lay there in that. So at 5 am we were changing the bed sheets and under blankets. We have learned to put a bunch of blankets under the sheet for just this reason so it doesn't soak to the mattress. Start the laundry since this will be about 3 or 4 loads of big blankets and sheets. Go back to bed for an hour and then get up and get Tony off to work. Continued with the laundry while getting myself ready for a 10 am with a financial advisor for ARCW. She is good and getting me more aid then I could have gotten on my own. Went from my meeting with her to Pick N Save to do a little grocery shopping. Got about four bags full for under $100.00. Wow, not much to show for that $100.
Unpacked it all, Tony picked me up, went to lunch with the guys on Brady Street and then Tony dropped me off at home. Let the dogs out again, made a few calls, then was off to the Energy Assistance Office down the road. At 1:30 they had already seen all they would be seeing today so I will have to return at 7am on Monday. This is going to be fun. You get numbers I guess and end up waiting all day. Kinda like going to the DMV. Then I drove northward to a pet mart to buy Stella diapers for at night. I am not going through this again. It has happened too many times. She will be sleeping with a diaper on at night from this day forward. I will let you know how it goes and how long it stays on. I will try to get a picture and post it of her in her diaper. Got home and picked up the dog crap outside, vacuumed and cleaned and made a meat loaf, 2 in fact, one for a later date, and cooking that with some sides so we can just stay in tonight. We have really cut down on going out. We use to eat out at least 3 or 4 nights a week if not more. Now maybe once a week. We will be going out tomorrow night after a show we are seeing with some friends so staying home tonight is not a bad thing.
Got a letter saying I was approved for having my medical insurance monthly premium and copays paid by the State of Wisconsin Department of Health through 2009. Guess there are some benefits to being diagnosed with AIDS and being unemployed? I am actually pleasantly surprised by the help that is available for someone in my position. Guess it is cheaper for the state to keep me alive and healthy than it is to let me get sick and cost a small fortune in medical expenses? I just have to send proof of my monthly insurance to the state each month and they reimburse me. Tony pays for my policy through Downtown Auto Body. Tonight it will be dinner at home, Wife Swap on TV (God are those families f*cked up) and to bed shortly after that.

Had something kinda freaky but cool happen to me last night. I had been getting error messages at start up saying a corrupt file belonging to Norton Anti Virus software. I used customer support through the computer last night while watching TV. The person at Nortons was able to with my permission enter my computer and uninstall and then reinstall the whole Anti Virus software. I just had to sit back and watch my mouse and screen change. It was really cool, but scary. Especially in our conversation when I ask where he was doing this from and his reply was India. Unbelievable. Makes you wonder if they can go in your computer, I am sure the government and Bushys can and do it also. All got fixed but it was about an hour of watching my computer do things while I did nothing but sit back and watch.

Will write again over the weekend when I have time. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

March 12, 2009 Thursday Morning

Went to my HIV meeting last night. Always nice to hear other people's problems or what is going on in their lives. I had nothing but good things to say about my past week. Watched a little TV when I got home and then went to bed.

This morning I got Tony off to work. The vet called a bit ago to tell me Stella's latest blood test showed her platlet count at 334,000. This is good. Within normal range of 164,000-510,000.
Have to ween her off the meds in the next month and test her again. No one knows why this happened to her, but the good news is she is better. Now, did anyone besides me notice that number the vet told me today? Jeez, that was my viral load in January when I got my first blood test and diagnosis. That number was not a good number for me, but it is a good number for her. Just weird to me. Took me back. In fact when I called Tony to tell him the news his first response was 'wasn't that your numbers?'. I mean, what are the chances?

It is so frickin cold here in Milwaukee today. I don't think it is going to even get into the 20s by mid day. I have no reason to leave the house and I think I will take advantage of that and not.
It is suppose to be in the 50s by Saturday and don't see if falling below freezing after that either so we just need to make it though the next two days till the warm front comes in. I think they should put a big wall or fence at the Canadian border so the cold fronts can't come down from them. Would have to be a tall wall. I will try to get most of my indoor stuff on my list done so after this weekend I can hopefully get outside and do stuff.
Will try to right later tonight and let you know what I did all day.

March 11, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Got Tony off to work and did my morning stretching / excercising. Showered and took Stella to her 10:30 vet appointment for more blood work. Tomorrow we should find out if her white blood cell count has improved. If so, she can start going to work with Tony again. After the vet appointment I took Stella to Tony's shop to see Tony and Zoe, who is now in her cage all day at the shop. I let the two dogs play for a while till Stella started getting a little dominant and it was time to go home. Did some dusting and cleaning and now getting ready to start making dinner.
Tonight I have my HIV meeting. Gives Tony time at home alone with the dogs. Not a lot for me to talk about tonight, had a good week since last meeting, but got to go just in case someone else needs support. Can't always just think of myself. Very cold here in Milwaukee today, I think it got to 30 degrees. Suppose to warm up slowly from this day forward.

Saw an interesting quote today I thought I would pass on:
"can we just get clear, calling some one 'gay' or 'fag' is as derogatory as calling someone a 'nigger'. U look like an idiot when you do it" —Former model, television star, and celebrity husband Ashton Kutcher, on his Twitter.

March 10, 2009 Tuesday Afternoon

Did a little experiment last night with the anxiety drug. Took one of my Alprazolam 1 MG to see how much stronger it is than Tonys .25 MG. I had been taking the 1 MG since the beginning of the year for my panic attacks but last week or so I started taking Tonys .25 MG when needed maybe once a day instead. I could not believe how it knocked me out last night and how drowsy I felt this morning. Sorry I refilled my last prescription of these 1 MG because now I have over 90 of them I have no desire to take. Now I realize why I was so tired and exhausted the first month. I don't need such a strong anxiety pill. I will use what Tony has left and then if needed get a new prescription for the .25 MG rather than the 1 MG. Hardly remember Dancing With The Stars last night I was so tired.

After I got Tony off to work this morning I went to lay back down and within a half hour there was a phone call saying he was a cookie delivery person with a delivery standing outside our door. I received a really nice Cookie Basket with these huge cookies all in smiley faces and the cookie in the center says "To Brighten Your Day". I took a picture of it. It is to the right of this posting. Kinda cute hey? Thank you Patti. I already ate one cookie. I took a cookie and gave it to my brother when I met him near the Milwaukee Art Museum this afternoon. I didn't tell him where I got it, just thought I would share the love. If I told him it was from our sister

that would open up a whole new conversation and a slippery slope.

I just learned right now how to put a picture to the side of the blog like I did today with the basket. Guess I learned a new trick today. Took a while to figure it out but I knew there had to be a way. Anyway, gave my brother a few loafs of bread and the cookie and bought him a cheese steak sub. Thought we were going to eat and talk but he had to watch the kids on the bus and had another 1/2 till they get off, so I took my sub and went home and shared it with the dogs. Four dogs eat a lot of sub.

It is a rainy foggy day here in Milwaukee. A great day to stay in bed and sleep. Wish I felt like laying in bed and sleeping. Just don't, which is a good thing. Having some computer problems I hope solve themselves in time with windows and nortons antivirus. I keep getting a message saying a file is corrupt. Did a disk scan but it didn't find the problem. I hate computer problems and have been very fortunate not to have any for a couple years now. Knock on wood. The four dogs are bored to death. Poor things, I open the door to let them out and they look out, then look up at me, and turn around and come back in. I wouldn't want to go outside in this either. Suppose to get really nasty tonight. Strong wind warning with winds over 50 miles and hour they are predicting. Should be an interesting night. This is spring in Milwaukee. It can be 60 degrees and fall to 30 degrees in a matter of an hour. Being so close to the lake has it's benefits and drawbacks. Have to take Stella to the vet for her blood work Wednesday morning. Hopefully we will get good news on her and she can start going back to work with Tony for the day. She loves going to work with Tony. Plus now she will have someone to play with when she goes there because our tenant, who works for Tony, takes their new pitbull to work since they found her last week. So the two of them will have fun playing if Stella's blood work shows she improved and won't bleed out if hurt.

The dogs look so comfortable on the couch, I think I will join them for a while. Will write again soon. Good day again today.

March 9, 2009 Monday Afternoon

Having an ok day today. I am having some bowel issues but I think it has a lot to do with the fact we laid around most of yesterday and last night I ate a lot of junk food. Haven't had a Snickers bar in a long time and had one last night. I think Snickers or Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite candy. I did do my morning stretching/excersising this morning. Even gave my hair a fresh coat of light brown to get rid of the 'blonde' hairs that keep coming in. I actually told myself I was not going to color my hair again since the new year because I thought why bother. So I guess I have a better outlook. Went to my therapist appointment this morning. She was very happy to see how much my attitude and outlook has changed. Last Monday at this time I was ready to get the gun. We made some short term goals that we will talk about in the weeks ahead. Got my monthly food from the food bank in the basement of the same building. I feel so bad walking out with 5 bags of groceries, good food, all for free. Freezer items to can goods to fruit, even some cookies and snacks. Plus all the bread products you can grab anytime, not just once a month like the groceries. Daily there is a wall of bread products all free for the taking. I swear there is sometimes more bread stuff than at the local grocery store some days. I have my freezer full of bagels, italian loafs, rolls and such. All the bread stuff is donated daily and is made fresh that day, free. I grabbed a few items for my brother Steve who I am meeting for lunch on Tuesday since he will be in the area driving a tour bus to the Art Museum by the lakefront. He is trying to make ends meet. Should be an interesting lunch because he is not always on the same plane as most people. I will not be sharing my status with him ever, or until it is necessary. He just is not educated or mental fit to hear such news. I think I can pull it off with him. Talked to my mom again this morning. Kept the conversation short and talked about everything but....................! It is better this way for now.

Some might wonder why I feel the need to tell anyone. Well, when something this big hits you it becomes your life. Jeez, just the pills at certain times of the day that must be taken and can not be missed throw a monkey wrench into the day. So it is very hard to tell people what is going on or have a conversation when you are trying to filter out things you might say as you are speaking. Does that make sense? It brings me back to the days when I was still in the closet and I would have to watch what I would say or when telling someone about my weekend making sure I used the right pronoun like she instead of he. It is just to much work and that is why people do and should come out. Noone should have to filter what they say just because someone might not grasp what they are saying. It simply is not fair. I always hated back when I was in the closet and on Mondays everyone at work would say what they did over the weekend and I had to either lie or say nothing. Having AIDS has been the same in a way. It has changed my life completely. I think I made sense of that.

Not sure what I will do the rest of the day. I have to vacuum and make some dinner for tonight. Funny, all these bags of free food don't make me want to cook anymore than usual. LOL I have never been one to 'enjoy' cooking. Might take a short nap, but then again I feel so good I feel I would be wasting precious time. Just heard the radio anouncer say it is National Nap Day. Wish it was nicer outside. Can think of tons of things once the weather gets nice to do in the yard. I know the dogs would all love a walk but its only in the 40s here in Milwaukee.
Till we meet again.............................

March 8, 2009 Sunday Evening

Last night after our long day at the car musuem and driving to IL we went to the Riverwest Follies hoping to have some good entertainment from the neighborhood. It was horrible. In fact at one point two ladies were dancing while they painted each other and I broke out laughing so hard and loud. They were actually trying to tell a story. It was ridiculous. We then went down the road to the Art Bar for a Birthday drink and then next door to Two for another drink before calling it a night. We were in bed by 10:30. I must say it was my most fulfilling long day since the beginning of the year. Today we are both beat.
Having nasty weather here in Milwaukee all day today Sunday. Rain, sleet, now snow all day. We went to lunch at 1pm with some friends of our at a local diner and watched tv the rest of the afternoon till about 4pm. Then we went and laid down for a while. Tony is still in bed resting.
He is another year older after all. LOL. Going to be a snuggle with the dogs and watch tv kinda night.
Monday morning I have a therapist appointment. I can't wait to tell her how much better my life got since the middle of last week. I think smarter eating, Activa each day for the stomach, and not worrying so much about my condition has been the reason. Plus just being active and going on with life seems to be the best medicine. Had another good day today.

March 7, 2009 Saturday Evening

Made it through the day. In fact had a very nice day. Got up this morning with few problems and we were out the door by 9:30. Drove down to IL to a car museum for Tony's Birthday and to see my sister, her husband and their 2 kids. Got lost once on the way down and twice on the way back. I am usually so good about printing out directions. Not sure where my head was this trip. I only had the brochure with a terrible map. We had fun at the museum. Tony could have spent more time drooling over the cars, but we can always go back another time. Heck, he could live there and still not have enough. Was really nice to see my sister and family. Their two kids are so well behaved. We then went out to eat and towards the end of the lunch I took my sister out to my car and told her the news. We both cryed. She hugged me and said many times 'you are still my brother, nothing has changed, and I love you'. It was just what I needed to hear. It was not easy to tell her. I am sure it was not easy to hear. It's like comming out all over again when you tell people. She was very supportive and even sent me an email already telling me again how much she loves me. I was so scared to tell her but I thought it best. I have now told everyone I wanted to know for support. Got home here and brought down the new dog from upstairs to get to know our dogs. It went OK. Stella still makes me a little tense since she wants to dominate the new pitbull and her hair is standing up. No problems. We let them get together for about a half hour and then it was enough. They will get together again tomorrow. Might go out yet for a Birthday drink for Tony. Can you believe it?
Had a good day today energy wise, health wise and mentally. Could this be a trend? Turning point? Lets hope.
Thank you Patti for being the sister I always thought you were. I Love You!

March 6, 2009 Friday Afternoon

Hello. I am actually having a much better day today healthwise. No stomach cramps for the last 2 days. Could this be a good sign? I am still tired and dizzy, but am told those might not ever go away and are because of the drugs I have to take. Oh well. Just have to move a little slower so I don't get dizzy and fall down. I did do a little excercise work out again this morning. It really seems to help. I also will take both dogs for a walk around the block when I am done writing this blog. It was a sad morning around here. Our tenants had to put down their dog this morning. It has been going down hill for some time and today was the day. Nemo was a rescue dog. He was horribly abused and only had 3 good legs. He got around fine and knew no better. He started going down hill a couple months ago. He was only about 3 years old. His rib cage was so deformed and his insides we were told are not where they should be from all the abuse he got as a puppy. Not to mention his handycap of only having three legs that worked. Our tenants gave him a lot of love in the last year and a half. Poor thing. Never got a fair shot at life from the beginning. Life just is not fair. Hopefully he is in a better place and not in pain. Never easy to lose a pet when you consider them family.
Weird how this pitbull we found a day or so ago has taken to them. I think they found a great dog to honor Nemo by caring for her. Guess when one door closes another does open. As you can tell I have a more positive attitude today. I honestly believe it has a lot to do with the weather. It got up to 61 yesterday here in Milwaukee. Today it is in the middle 50s. I am happy with that here in Wisconsin this time of year. What a difference it makes on the attitude to be out in the nice weather.
I am also feeling good enough that I mentioned to Tony at our lunch today that I am ready to quit smoking cigs after this weekend. It had to happen, and I am ready. I haven't had a panic attack in a couple days and really do feel so much better mentally than I did earlier in the week.
Tomorrow will be a long day. I will let you know how it all goes when I have time to log on Saturday night or Sunday. Have a great weekend everyone. Love and Hugs to all.

March 5, 2009 Thursday Afternoon

Woke up this morning and had a very hard time getting the day going. Woke up so tired. Did my morning chores and went back and layed in bed till about 2pm this afternoon. Got up, did a little more cleaning and then showered. Took Stella for a walk around the block like I did yesterday. Today I had the strength to take Barkley then around the block for his walk also. It was about 50 degrees so it felt good to get out and walk around. Just wish it wasn't so wet and dirty outside. Have to wash the dogs paws when I get back from their walks. Now I am very tired and need to rest. I just can not get going, I am so tired.
Tony found a dog, a pitbull, in his travels yesterday. He kept it at the shop all day and then brought it home and she slept upstairs with the tenants and their dog. It is a very nice dog, but we need another dog like a hole in the head at this time. I put an ad on craigslist. God I hope someone claims her. She is such a nice dog. Have not let her meet my dogs yet or even come into our house since I know where that will lead to. If we don't find her owner by the weekend we will have to take her to the humane society.
Got to log off and lay down for a bit. Tomorrow is Friday. Still not sure about Saturday. Tony and I will have to make the decision tonight. I honestly do not think I can make it through a long day at a car show with my sister and kids. Just too tired and all the stomach problems.
Life better get better soon.

March 4, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Having a much better day today than I did yesterday. Didn't sleep great last night but got up this morning and after Tony left for work I stretched and excercised for a half hour. Wow am I out of shape and weak. Thank god you guys couldn't see me cause I looked worse and was more tired afterward than my 98 year old grandma prior to her death. It felt good to get the blood flowing. I then got going on my daily chores and even cleaned the front porch. Had a bagel for lunch and tryed to take a short nap but just couldn't sleep. I am tired, but for some reason I am not tired enough to fall asleep. Thats ok. It is probably for the best. I have to build my strength so I can make it through a full day. In fact this Saturday, being Tonys Birthday, we are going to a car museum in IL. We are meeting my sister and her kids at 10 am and spending the day with them. I am a little scared and still might cancel. I just don't know if I have the strength since it will be a full day of walking and being with the nephews. But it is Tony's Birthday so somehow I have to find the strength. I can sleep in the car on the hour and a half drive down there and back at the end of the day. I just have to put on a happy face for my sister and kids for a full day. I will be exhausted by Saturday night. Hopefully a good exhausted. Weighed myself today and I am down to 164. I just keep losing weight since I have no desire for food. I can notice the difference in my face and waist. Heck, even my shoes feel bigger. Can you lose weight in your feet? So far I've lost 25 lbs since the beginning of the year. Not really trying to lose the weight, just not eating like I use to. Tonight I have my weekly HIV meeting. Gives Tony some alone time with the dogs while I am gone. Today is better than yesterday, not great, but better than I had hoped. Better is better. One day at a time. If I could just not feel so tired and weak.

March 3, 2009 Tuesday Morning

This week is not starting out good. I had good intentions but they have not played out. Had a misserable day yesterday. Was able to get up, shovel the 8 inches of powder snow, and out of the house by 10 am for my therapist appointment. Came home totally exhausted and still had cramping and stomach problems. Layed on the bed at 12:15 and couldn't believe when I woke up and saw it was after 4pm in the afternoon. Made Tony dinner and was back in bed by 9pm watching TV. Today I canceled my appointment with my case worker for this morning because my bowels and stomach, much less I am so tired I can hardly walk from one side of the house to the other without being out of breath.

You are not about to like what you read next but I didn't create this blog to say happy things all the time. I created it to let out what is going on in my head since 2009 started. Maybe a day will come when I will look at this and re read how low I was at this point.

Had an honest talk with Tony last night about the fact that I really do not think I can live the rest of my life like I feel now and that if things don't get better I can not guarranty I will be here for my 48th Birthday. Yah yah, don't be calling the suicide squad. I promised Tony I would stay around long enough for us to say we have been together for 20 years this March 21st, 2009.
But after that, what is the point. My life is so pityful it just doesn't seem worth it. My mornings are horrible from the dizzyness, cramping and irritable bowel. My afternoons I am so tired all I can do is sleep. My evenings are filled with more cramping, tiredness and feeling of worthlessness. The thrush is back in my mouth and I am losing weight faster than I ever tryed in the past. I am down to 166 from 186 the first of the year. I've had 2 good days in the past 2 months. I can not even make future plans because I don't know if I will even be up to the task when that day comes. This is not the way I planned on living my life or do I want to. My future dreams are gone. I use to think someday with my parents money I would open a dog rescue on a big plot of land somewhere warm. Now that dream is gone too because I do not even have the strength nor desire to go through all that would be involved. I look at my four dogs now and wonder how I will get through their deaths when the day comes with my health so fragile. Tony and I talked last night that we will not ever get another dog when these four are gone. All I want to do is sleep. And I am soooo cold all the time, even with a heating blanket. Even typing this is a struggle because I just want to go back to bed I am so tired. Nothing seems worth the point anymore. My therapist says I am depressed. DUH! If I had something that might get better in time or be gone in time it would be one thing, but I am never going to get this AIDS out of me, ever. I will never be able to stop taking the AIDS cocktail or I will get sicker. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? The only light I see is the one I will see by my hands. The only time I feel good or better is when I am sleeping. I fu*kin hate my life.

March 1, 2009 Sunday Night

Woke up today feeling better, Tony also was feeling better. He got us a healthy McDonald's breakfast of buritos and bacon/egg/cheese bagels. Not sure where the rest of the day went. Tony says I went back to bed around 11:30. I know I was up and about by 2:30 again this afternoon. Watched a Golden Girls Marathon on some channel all afternoon and then went out for dinner at a local diner. Just settling in for the two hour Brothers And Sisters tonight.

Monday morning I meet with my therapist at ARCW. Tony will be well enough to go to work.
I hope to start a short work out program tomorrow morning after Tony leaves for work. Just some light stretching and dance moves. Got to get the blood flowing again. Nothing else has worked so I figure for a week I will try some light excercise for a half hour before I start my day. Heck, it might help with the stomach problems. Wish me luck. I will let you know if it helps with my energy level. I still feel like I am up for a few hours, need to sleep/rest for an hour or so, and then up for a few hours and so on. Tony and I are suppose to meet my sister and her kids at a car museum next Saturday for Tony's Birthday. Its about an hour and a half drive away. Then the walking around the place all day and acting happy and long drive home. Next Saturday will be an exhausting day. So I have to build my stength. Not only am I going to start working out, I am also going to try to only think positive thoughts for this one week. If that means living in denial, so be it, if it helps with my health and I see an improvement it tells me where I need to be or go to stay healthy. I'm trying guys, but every day just feels like I am going up hill.

Talk to you Monday afternoon or so.