March 2, 2016 Wednesday Morning

It has been almost a month since I posted last.  I must say as of this posting I am doing quite well.  I pause when I say this because it never seems that these 'highs' last very long before another problem or life situation comes along to bring me down.  I am happy to enjoy the good times but that little voice in my head always tries to bring me down with thoughts of death and dying.  My feet still burn and hurt and I am walking on different shoes during the course of the day.  My teeth still have problems and I had to have a crown cemented back on Monday.  I see my foot and prostate doctor in two weeks.  But, I am alive, and many have it worse.

February was a very above average temperature month here in Wisconsin.  We even had a few days during the month above 50 degrees which is unheard of.  We did get a few inches of snow yesterday but it sounds like next week will again be in the 50s and the snow will melt away.  We don't usually get temps in the 50s until the end of March.  Anyone still denying climate change?  What humans have done to this planet and continue to do is going to destroy human existence and most of the other animals also.  Look how we have changed this planet in say the last 50 years compared to the last 5000 years.  Our forests are disappearing, our animals are becoming extinct, the glaciers are melting, and soon it will be too hot to survive on this planet.  Hopefully I will be dead and gone by the time we notice these horrible effects and change the world as we know it.

The dogs are all doing great.  All six of them.  Toby continues to learn how we do things around here and still has been so good I have never regretted keeping him.  No, we did not need another dog but Toby is so good with the big and small dogs as well and continues to learn, I honestly don't know what anyone wanted in a dog that he didn't give them.  Very sad.  I daily look at my dogs and smile as I say to myself "I am the luckiest guy in the world".  I really am.  Yah, I have AIDS, my future is uncertain, my days range from good to horrible, but I have a happy home that I feel very secure in and happy to just be me in the moment.  I don't need fancy dinners or vacations to make me happy.  Just looking around at what I all have makes me smile and say 'look what I have made'.   I can at any time turn my head to see one or two dogs snuggling with each other or playing.  I can look out my window and see the yard and home I have created.  Now I just need to keep my depressing thoughts at bay so they do not take over.

Tony and I are doing good.  We are coming up on our 27th anniversary the end of March, much less our 2 year wedding anniversary on the same day.  I don't know where the time went and sometimes feel my 30s and 40s are just gone and a memory.  It feels like I blinked and was in my 50s.  What is sad is if I am lucky I will have the amount of time left that Tony and I have had together, left in my life.  What is sad to think is how fast those years went and how fast the next 25 or so will go and soon be gone.  I will blink again and be on my death bed.  Tony and I might not be as romantic as we once were but we still take the time to give each other a kiss goodbye in the morning when Tony goes to work, and snuggle at night in bed before we fall asleep and the dogs get in between us.  It is at those times I feel most secure and most happy.  Tony in my arms and all my dogs around us.  I still read the obits daily and shake my head wondering how they did it, dying, and how sad their lives are over.  We only get to go around once.  Seems the older I get the more I appreciate life.  I was talking to a 23 yr old kid at the pizza store the other day as I waited and was telling him that someday he will blink and be my age.  I told him to remember this old guy, me, telling him this 30 years from now.  It scares the hell out of me that the years or times are limited when it comes to my parents who are now in their 80s. 

I plan on going grocery shopping today.  My big event for the day.  Actually I have been taking more time to just enjoy the little things I have to do.  I have been going to a bigger, fancier grocery store and just taking my time as I shop.  Even last week bought a slice of pizza and ate it as I shopped.  The store is a bit farther from home, but makes for a much happier grocery experience.  It is in the 20s today in Milwaukee so besides grocery shopping and picking up the dog poop outside, that is it for being out doors today. 

I was proud of myself last month.  Tony was sick two weeks ago on a Saturday, they day of the Pet Expo here in town.  I love the event and go every year.  Tony was sick and I decided to go anyway by myself.  I don't like driving much anymore and don't usually enjoy going to events alone, but pushed myself to go, and damn if I didn't have an enjoyable time.  I was just proud I went on my own even though Tony was not there to drive or be by my side.  The death of my neighbors husband has gotten me thinking about how I would survive without him.  Would not be easy, but I know I would have to go on to take care of our dogs.

So there you have it, another month gone by so fast it makes my head spin.  Hopefully another month will not go by before I post again.