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Thursday, December 31, 2009

December 31, 2009 New Years Eve

Happy New Year to all my friends and followers.
I hope 2010 brings everyone health and happiness throughout the year.
I hope to write a blog this weekend highlighting my highs and lows for the year 2009.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

December 30, 2009 Wednesday Morning

Worked most of the day on Monday and Tuesday doing inventories. Mindless job and I can do it at my own pace. Made a Tbone steak last night for dinner. Got two steaks from mom for Christmas so I thought I would make one of them. Made mashed potato and corn for sides.

Today I am not going into work since I will be going in tomorrow to do the year end inventory. It is done each year the last day of the year and I figure I might as well go in and help with the counts and earn some money doing it. Already showered today and got most of the little jobs I wanted to accomplish completed. Tony is getting auto body parts and stopping at Menards to get another pond heater. My pond heater seems to have stopped working and now the pond is completely frozen over. If I don't get a hole in the pond soon the fish will all die. Since he is on the road he is picking up a new one and dropping it off on his way back to the shop. I hope this one melts a hole in the ice because I would hate to loose all the fish I have had for going on 5 years now. I learned the first year you have to have a hole to let the bad air and such out or the fish will die. Learned the hard way that year by losing all my fish. So sad. So I have to get this in today and hopefully it will melt a hole very fast. Taking down the Christmas lights outside a little each day. Already took down most of the decorations in the house and the tree. Christmas is over as far as I am concerned. Paid a few bills. Picked up the dog droppings outside. Already vacuumed the house. Maybe I will take a nap this afternoon as the new pond heater does it's job.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Thinking of meeting a few friends out for a midnight drink. It is so cold here in Milwaukee and going to get colder the next few nights. Not looking forward to bundling up at 11 PM just to go out and celebrate New Years. If Tony wanted to say home there would be no decision, we would stay home. But I think this year he wants to go out. Our friends are planning to then at midnight go to the main Milwaukee park and watch the New Years fireworks. Fireworks in the cold? You got to be crazy. I will stay in the bar. The bar is a half block from the fireworks. Still trying to decide just how much I want and need to work next year. I have to work a couple days or I will go nuts, but I don't want to jeopardize my social security. Decisions decisions. Money is not the main concern, losing the benefits I worked so hard to get is the main concern. I would love to just concentrate on the house and writing my book but I couple days work would not kill me and be good for the mind. Also is good to get out of the house and see and interact with people.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

December 27, 2009 Sunday Night

Got Tony out of the house and to the Southridge Mall to return the horrible shirts he bought me on Saturday afternoon. We ended up buying some clothing and a heating blanket for the bed. Walked around the mall for the afternoon. Was not as busy as I would have thought the day after Christmas. We walked right up to the counter to make our return. Spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Saw Movie Marathon. Saw One through Three was playing on one of the TV channels. Then we ended up going to bed soon after 10 PM.

This morning we got up and showered so we could drive to the south side of town to get Tony's mom and take her out for breakfast. Stopped off at his brother's house after breakfast to give their kids some money for Christmas. We didn't get to see them on Christmas and usually give them each an envelope. After dropping off Tony's mom we went to Fleet Farm, a hardware type store, to return two sweaters Tony's mom had bought for us. They also were horrible looking and would not have gotten worn. Got a whole $10 for them. I am sure she bought them on clearance. Ended up buying a few items. Came home and spent the afternoon watching some stupid movies not worth remembering. Now we are watching The Sound Of Music for probably the 100th or more time. I do love this movie. Probably seen this movie more than any other movie. Wizard of Oz would probably be second. I remember seeing Sound Of Music in the movie theater as a child with my family when it first was released. It was such a long movie there was even a 20 minute intermission half way through the movie. Remember seeing it a second time with my grandmother at the movie theater as a kid also. Brings back fond memories. They just don't make movies like this anymore. I can sing the words to every song I have seen it so many times. After this movie it will be lights out. Monday I will work my usual hours doing inventory.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

December 26, 2009 Saturday Morning

Had a very good Christmas.

Spent most of Christmas Eve day just listening to music and doing things around the house. Tony got home from work around 2:30 and our nephew came over around 3 PM. He is 11 years old, was visiting his father here, and we usually then exchange him with his mother, Tony's sister when we meet for Christmas Eve. He is a good kid and loves his uncle Tony and Dave. Got to Tony's family Christmas around 5 PM. Had a good time, I guess. Seemed everyone was rushing and just couldn't wait to go home. We were home by 8:30 PM. Not much of a Christmas Eve when you start so early and home so early. We went to bed shortly after 10 PM.

Christmas Day Tony and I exchanged presents. I of course got him things he needs and asks for throughout the year. He got me......................2 of the most ugly shirts I have ever seen in my life. I actually asked him where and when I would ever wear the one. His reply was 'when we go on vacation'. Yah, like we go on so many of those. LOL. When I found out how much he spent on the two shirts I immediately asked him for the receipts. They will get returned today. I do not spent close to $100 on TWO shirts. I am more frugal than that. I had given him a list of items I would want. Not one was gotten for me once again. Christmas is not Tony's holiday. He hates it. He hates shopping. Hates having to buy stuff. He grew up in a family where his dad handed out cash. So after he saw my face and I told him how disappointed I was in his lack of shopping he handed me $500 and said to go buy what I want. Jeez. I have $500. And hell it is really just like handing me my own money when you come right down to it. Oh well. Not one of Tony's strong traits. Never was. Left around noon to go to my parents house. Spent the afternoon with them. Had a nice time. I really do enjoy my time with my family. There was a time I had big anxiety prior to going to their home. In the last 10 years I have felt comfortable enough not to have any worries. In fact. I know they all enjoy me being there. I keep the conversation and the topics flowing, popular or not. LOL Got home around 6 PM. Fed the dogs and cleaned up the house from the Christmas presents we got from my family. Mom buys a few items each year we can count on: Couple bags of dog food (always appreciated when you have 4 dogs), a box of frozen steaks (who doesn't want steaks), and of course 'The Envelope'. This year we each got $400. Always the funny part of the afternoon. We all know that is 'the gift' we are all waiting for. All the brothers and sisters then make up stories with each other as to how much was in 'their' envelope. We always all get the same, but we kid each other like we were the special child this year that got more. LOL

Today I am already showered and waiting for Tony to get home from letting in an employee at the shop. He has a convict on work release so he has to be at the shop every morning at 9 AM and night at 6 PM to let him in and out of the shop. He gets dropped off by the jail. It is better than being in jail for the day. He is a nice guy and Tony's sister is now dating him. So she now spends most of her day's there locked up with him. Long story. Thinking of dragging Tony to the mall to make some returns. Can't wait to see his face when I tell him we are going to the mall for the day. I will blame it on his lack of buying abilities again this year. Also thinking about buying myself a Grandfather Clock at JC Penny that is on sale. I have always wanted a Grandfather Clock and the one I like is on sale. Might buy myself my own Christmas present this year. Light snow is falling today. It rained most of Christmas Eve and Day here in Milwaukee. Usually much colder on warming?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

December 24, 2009 Christmas Eve

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. Be nice to others. Be kind to yourself.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

December 23, 2009 Wednesday Night

Worked a few hours on Tuesday. Came home and spent the rest of the afternoon listening to music I recently downloaded planning my next dance mix. Went out last night for $1 tacos for dinner. Spent the rest of the night trying to stay warm here in Milwaukee.

Today I got up and loaded up a bunch of songs I like at the moment and spent the day mixing music and making the December 2009 Dance Mix above. Hope someone is listening to these mixes and enjoying them? Burned a copy on a cd so I can listen to it in my car in the next couple days as we drive to family for Christmas. Having mixed feelings about this Christmas. I am happy to be healthier than I was last year at this time, but Christmas makes me think of all the people and pets we have lost or are not around. Have to get myself away from that kind of thinking. A good size snow / sleet / rain storm is just now hitting us here in Milwaukee. Sounds like it is going to be here for the Christmas holiday making driving horrible the next couple days.
Hope everyone is done with their Christmas shopping, I finished the last of it today with a trip to Walgreen's. Got Tony a blade sharpener for our razors. Notice I said for Tony for OUR razors. LOL Going to spend the night watching some movies and staying out of the storm.

Monday, December 21, 2009

December 21, 2009 Monday Night

Sunday afternoon Tony and I drove to my parents house in Oconomowoc, about 50 minute drive. My sister, her husband, and two kids drove into town from St Louis for their Christmas with the family before they head back south the day before Christmas. It was also my sister Patti's Birthday. Exchanged presents and had a nice day with everyone. Her kids are so so cute. Came home at dinner time and spent the night watching a little TV. We were home no longer than about 45 minutes before we were both eating from the popcorn tin my sister had given us.

Today I got up and off to work. Did my usual drive from one location to the other and then the weekly inventories. Got out of work a little earlier than usual. Seems a little hard to get going these days. I think it must be the cold, the clouds, and depressed thoughts. Been doing so much thinking lately about what life was like a year ago prior to knowing I have AIDS. The last year has changed my life completely. Think I might do something special for myself on January 7th because it was that day a year a go that my life changed forever. The day I found out I was HIV+. You never forget that day I am told. Seems very true. Making a quick dinner tonight and then just going to relax. It is so cold here in Milwaukee. I hate this cold weather. I am not sure how long or how many more years either one of us will put up with it. Who knows, by the time we finally make the move global warming will have kicked in big time and it might not be so bad in the winters. Not a happy thought when you come right down to it. I feel sorry for the polar bears and animals who will parish.

I sometimes ask myself if life is better today than it was say 1 year ago? Is it better than it was 5 years ago, 10, 20? I guess I would just have to say I am, or SHOULD BE happy. I have no debt, I have a wonderful husband, dogs, house and family. So why am I so unhappy all the time? Depression? I have to find a way to snap out of this because another pill and side effects is out of the question. I am going to have to find a way to be happy because I should be. I think I will write an end of the year what I am thankful for blog.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

December 20, 2009 Sunday Morning

Once again I can not believe my last post was on last Wednesday. I used to post daily. Where do the days go? I looked at Tony and asked him 'have I not posted since Wednesday'? I know I posted Friday, will have to find where it went.

Thursday I was going to go to work for a few hours and clean the owners office. Was told it would be a lost cause prior to Christmas and to wait until after that. So that left me with the day off. What the heck did I do all day? I honestly am drawing blank.

Friday was so cold again here in Milwaukee that I did not leave the house until shortly before noon to pick Tony up at the shop and go to lunch with our usual gang of guys. I had made up little Christmas stocking for each of them. Lunch was enjoyable as always. No lunch next week because it is Christmas Day. We did agree to meet on New Year's Day for lunch. After lunch I dropped Tony off at his shop and did a little Christmas shopping. Bought Tony's mom a $100 McDonalds gift card. She eats there a lot and she wanted it. I also like gift cards rather than pulling out money at the drive thru. You don't feel like your spending money. LOL Pretty much done with the Christmas shopping. What I don't have by now, they won't be getting. Got Tony a couple items, seriously, what more do either one of us need? Spent Friday night playing on the computer trying to figure out how to get the movies I download to play on the TV since upgrading to Windows 7. I spent all night trying to figure it out. I was not going to call my tenant down again since I knew I could figure it out. After about 2 hours or more I realized Windows 7 has like a split screen. It is so cool. In the past what ever I played on the computer to the TV had to have both the computer and TV same program or show on. With Windows 7 it is like having two screens. I can play a movie to the TV on one screen and still cruise the internet or such on the computer main screen. Hope that made sense. I am so happy I figured it out myself and the final results of the hours spent trying to fix it. I know I could have just called my tenant, but sometimes a guy likes to know he can do it alone, right? On a side note. Tony got a check from our scammer guy in California for the balance of the money he owed us. Guess my diligence paid off. No one in the last 5 years and over 30 companies I have found scammed by him have gotten their money back. Also, the car insurance company on Friday told Tony they will cover my Mustang. So life is good again.

Saturday Tony went to work and then spent the afternoon Christmas shopping for me. Left me at home the entire day again. Spent the morning preparing the spare room for me to start painting and such. Like I said in earlier post, I am not waiting for Tony to finish the bathroom first, it will never happen. Plus in this cold, if I don't leave the house, I need a project. Tried to take a nap in the afternoon but Vito put an end to that real quick. He started throwing up about 2 PM and kept going until about 4 PM. I must have cleaned up over 10 piles of puke. Was getting a little scared until he finally stopped. He must have eaten something he should not have. At one point I was holding his head with a paper plate on the floor under his mouth to try to catch it. It was unbelievable. He is much better today and was fine by about 5 PM. Tony and I then last night went to a party at the Art Bar. My ex prior to Tony and his partner own the bar. Their yearly Christmas party with free food and drinks. We spent about 2 1/2 hours at the party. I only had one drink. Was just not in a party mood. Came home last night and watched a little TV. Saturday Night Live was hysterical last night.

Today I made breakfast for Tony and I. Have to get in the shower because we have to go to my parents house since my sister is in town and will not be in town with her kids on Christmas. So if I want to see them and give them their presents we have to drive the hour drive to see them today. Had no other plans anyway. Will have to make the drive to my parents house again on Friday afternoon, Christmas Day, as usual. What would Christmas Day be without going to see family, right? Hmm. Do I need to see them twice in one week? Not even looking forward to going out in this cold weather. Time to move to a warmer area of the country ASAP.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

December 16, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Just got back from the doctor. My viral load is still undetectable. That is good. My TCell count is now at to 332. Up from 315 last blood test, and up from 106 last January. My cholesterol levels are still not good but the doctor is not as concerned because I have no history of problems in my family. I also can stop taking Fluconazole and Acyclovir daily when the current prescription runs out. Two less pills to take each day since he says my counts are high enough and the meds are no longer needed. My vitamin D levels are very low and of some concern so the doctor has me taking a vitamin D twice daily. The doctor is still very happy with how I have progressed and graduated me from AIDS to HIV+. I told him I appreciated the gesture but know that once you are diagnosed with AIDS you never go back to just HIV+. But it was a nice thought. Also got a pneumonia shot while I was there. Didn't know one existed. So there it is. Looks like I am going to be around for a while.

December 16, 2009 Wednesday Morning

Worked most of Monday and a few hours on Tuesday. Tuesday night we went out for dinner for $1 taco's. Took a nap after I got home from work yesterday which might be the reason I slept so bad last night. I was up at least 10 times and never could get comfortable. It could also have been the fact I slept on the other side of the bed, pushed Tony towards the middle of the bed, because Stella, Barkley and Vito were taking up so much room. Kali was smart and stretched out on the bedroom couch. Sometimes I think she is the smartest of us all. She gets the whole couch to herself.

This morning I got some stuff done around the house and then drove to the vet to buy Barkley his special food. Was happy to have a credit when all was said and done due to the fact my sister put $100 on our dogie account as a Christmas present. How nice. Have to call her after this blog post. Came home and after vacuuming I took my tenants with me to the food pantry at ARCW and got my monthly food and stocked up on bread. Lots of bread. I am very nervous and always am prior to going to my AIDS doctor. I have a 1:30 appointment today. I get my latest round of blood results. I am really hoping to still be undetectable and hopefully my TCell count will have gotten into the 400s. Lets hope. I hate going to this doctor because, even though he has helped me live, it reminds me each time of this horrible disease I have. I can go through most days not thinking about it, or pushing it off to the side in my head if I keep busy. But when I have nothing to do or have this doctor appointment it gives me nothing else to think about.

I have been reflecting lately on my life and what it was like one year ago. I started this blog on January 7, 2009 the day I found out I was HIV+. Not sure why after getting news like that I would start a blog that day. But I did. Months prior to January I knew something was not right. I remember very well last year between Thanksgiving and Christmas putting off making a doctor's appointment because I just had this feeling I was not going to hear good news. I knew something was wrong. I finally made the doctor appointment the day before New Years and went in on the 4th of January. I finally got the results on January 7th. I will never forget that day. I remember very well these days before that dreaded day wondering what could be wrong with me. I had thrush, sores in my ears and nose, and was bleeding rectally. I was also getting scabs and such on my face. I was so tired all the time and had to push myself through the day. I knew this was not normal. I know the thought of AIDS came into my mind, but I kept telling myself it can not be. I remember at Christmas with my family everyone saying how much weight I had lost and not wanting to talk much because the thrush was so noticeable when I opened my mouth. Of course I didn't know it was thrush at the time. I try to keep telling myself how lucky I am because if I had not pushed for the HIV test I would have gotten sicker and sicker and maybe would not be here today. In fact I was so sick, I would not have been here today. Sometimes these thoughts are very hard to deal with. Sometimes I just want to cry. I think of everything I would have missed in the last year. I would have missed so much. My family, Tony, my dogs, visits from internet friends that flew half way around the country just to see much. I am glad to still be around.

I will post again this afternoon my new blood test results and how I feel about them.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

December 13, 2009 Sunday Afternoon

Friday I spent the day doing little things around the house in the morning. Had lunch with the guys, which is always the high light of my week, and then took a big change container to the bank and cashed it in. There was $300.18 in the container. Not bad. Did a little grocery shopping and got home around 3:30 PM. Made a Cornish hen, baked potato and salad for dinner. Spent the night watching nothing worth remembering.
Saturday morning Tony got up and took my Mustang to the shop to clean it up so a potential buyer could look at it and hopefully buy it. He got it all done. Spent three hours cleaning it up so it looked perfect and parked it out front of the shop. He was so proud of how nice it looked he even took a few pictures. He then walked into the shop and not 2 minutes later heard this horrible crashing noise. He ran out front to find his brother who had a kid by his collar that had smashed into my Mustang and was trying to run away from the accident. Yes, you read all that correctly. Not only did Tony spend three hours cleaning the car. Within 5 minutes of parking it outside it is now junk. Totalled. Here is a before and after picture. On the left is the picture of his shop and my car after he finished cleaning it. On the right is what it looked like less than 5 minutes after parking it out front. Of course the kid does not have insurance and the really sad thing is Tony took the insurance off my Mustang just a couple weeks ago because I was to start driving the BMW. I continued driving my Mustang, but of course, didn't know he did this switch with insurance. I pray to god he can straighten this out or I will be so pissed off. You will see me on Judge Judy over this one. I will never see the $8000 it is worth though if I go on a TV show. I think the max amount you can win is $5000. Don't this just suck?

Spending the rest of this Sunday afternoon just watching TV. We went to Walgreen's earlier to get some prescriptions and stuff. Thinking we might order Chinese food tonight for dinner.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

December 10, 2009 Thursday Morning

Wow is it cold here in Milwaukee.

It is 9:13 AM and the temperature is 1 degree with a wind chill temperature of 20 below zero. A feel so sorry for anyone who has to work outside in this for a living, much less the animals that have to stay warm, or a stray or lost animal that is used to being in a warm house. Don't know how they do it. I once again do not plan on leaving the house today. I did get outside to take out the garbage and pick up the dog crap in the side yard, but that was it. Thank god we are not digging out from the huge snow storm everyone else in Wisconsin got if you were at least a mile or more inland from lake Michigan. They showed on the news last night what a difference taking a drive down Capital drive which runs east west was in snow totals driving from the lake front west. No snow at all on the lake front because of lake Michigan, but just a mile or two inland the snow totals go up any where to 18 inches. Madison sounds like it was shut down for the day. Now it is so cold everything is ice. So if you didn't get your shoveling done yesterday, your screwed. Since I have already decided I am not leaving the house, I have to come up with a project or two to keep myself busy. I have already sorted the house paperwork and filed this years papers in preparation for taxes, I re arranged the furniture in the living room and dining room yesterday. I re arranged the furniture in the master bedroom last week. If Tony don't start finishing the bathroom he started a year ago I am going to finish it myself after the 1st of the year. But for today, I think I might tackle the basement. I just can not sit around doing nothing all day every day. Even just one day drives me crazy. I will have to start a puzzle or something if I don't get into a cleaning mood. Not expected to get much warmer here in Milwaukee until our high on Saturday of 20 degrees. Wow, heat wave. Not leaving the house until lunch with the guys on Friday. I hate this cold. Why I live in Wisconsin this time of year escapes me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

December 9, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Waited for the big snow storm to hit, we got lucky.

Monday I worked my usual Monday doing inventories all day. Getting the hang of all the products so it is taking me less time to do the entire retail inventory. I was out the door by 3 PM done and emailed to the owner. Shaved an hour off the time since starting to do them a couple months ago. Made a frozen lasagna, salad and garlic bread for dinner. Watched the usual CBS line up until time to go to bed around 10:15 PM.

Tuesday I got to work a little later than usual. Just took my time and when I was ready to leave I did. Didn't rush myself like usual. Finding if I do not rush myself I have a much better day. Worked a few hour and called it a day around 2 PM. Came home and spent the rest of the afternoon doing a little cleaning. Also searched the internet for a way to continue contacting my 'friend' in California that now has our 414 area code blocked so I can not continue to fill his voice mail box. I have realized I can still call him on friends phones that are not 414 area code. So I will have to figure this out because I am not giving up on getting our entire refund back from this scammer. Went out for $1 tacos a 1/2 block down the street for dinner. Got home and finished ripping some cd's I got from my tenant. Ripped the entire Pink Floyd collection. I loved Pink Floyd in college. Spent most of the morning stoned listening to them, Alan Parson's Project, Supertramp, ELO, and such. Went to bed around 10 PM still waiting for the big snow storm to materialize.

Got up this morning hoping to look out the window to a blizzard and over a foot of snow like the weatherman has been saying all week. I guess we got lucky being about a mile from Lake Michigan because it stayed mostly rain. I don't even have to shovel. Much different story a couple miles west and the rest of Wisconsin. Most area away from lake Michigan got a foot or more of snow. So I guess we got lucky. Spent the morning and still listening to all the Pink Floyd CD's I ripped. Partook in the usual event needed to fully enjoy Pink Floyd, if you know what I mean. Figured I wasn't going anywhere today anyway so why not 'waste' the day away. Thinking about taking a nap the rest of the afternoon and then make a nice supper. It is suppose to get really really cold after today. High tomorrow of 15 degrees. Same on Friday. I don't think I will leave the house if it is that cold. Suppose to be below zero each night the next few nights. YUCK.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

December 6, 2009 Sunday Night

Spent most of the day on Saturday ripping music from my CD collection to my computer hard drive. I started out the day reading that one of the co founders of The Alan Parson's Project died over the past week. I was always a fan of their music. So I pulled out my old CDs and MP3s and spent the day listening to Alan Parson's Project as Tony worked most of the day. Saturday night Tony, our tenants and I went to a co workers 50th birthday party. We left to go to the party around 6 PM with it in mind we would would home in a couple hours. Well, a couple hours went pretty fast and we finally left the bar/restaurant around 10:30 PM. Was a nice crowd of people. I drank free beer. I hate beer. But if it is free, I will drink maybe one cup. Had two. Came home and watched a little of SNL until we went to bed close to midnight.

This morning I made pancakes for breakfast and continued ripping music from CD's to the computer hard drive. I ripped Best Of CD's and such. I also backed them all up on my external hard drive. Couldn't find three cds I really wanted on the computer and I only have them in cassette format so I ordered used CD's on Should be interesting what the condition they are in when they arrive. As long as I can rip them to the computer is all I care about. Got them all for less than five dollars a piece used. Still haven't had a cig. Made it past the 7 day mark today. All down hill from here? Suppose to get some snow tonight and maybe the first real big storm of the season on Wednesday. They are already talking about it on the news and the big storm is three days off. Looking forward to our regular Sunday night TV tonight. Most likely will work only two days this week and very limited hours due to the snow and cold. Did I mention it is soooooooooo cold here in Wisconsin? It was in the 20s most of all today and yesterday.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

December 5, 2009 Fantasy's

I have wanted to talk about this subject in my blog for some time but have never found the time to talk about it. Since Tony went to work today and I have most the day to talk, I will.

I lot has changed in my life in the past year since finding out I was HIV+ and then AIDS. One subject I wanted to explore was the topic of fantasies. I hear having fantasies is a good thing, even in a relationship, as long as you know that they are just that, fantasies. I use to be able to fantasise about a good looking guy I saw. My fantasy really were not so much about sex as they were about the courting stage of getting to know each other and the romance in that part of getting to know each other. More about what we would say and the cute little things involved in getting to know each other. I always considered myself somewhat attractive so I was always 'in the running' so to speak if I met some attractive guy, or saw an attractive guy on TV or something. Tony and I always had this little game when we see someone attractive. We usually make a comment such as 'he would want me bad'. Or 'can you imagine the things he wants to do to me'. Call it couples play, whatever. It is better than pointing out point blank to one's partner that 'I'd do him'. My point is the fact I at one time could fantasise about another person and them being attracted to me. Since my diagnosis this fantasy and game play between Tony and I has lost its fun. I can not fantasise anymore. The minute I see a good looking guy or such I start to fantasise and then the fantasy always goes the same direction. It sooner or later leads to me having to tell the person I have AIDS. At that point the fantasy always ends with the guy turning away or walking away. I guess I think 'what guy would ever want me if something happened to Tony since I have AIDS?' I can not imagine if something happened to Tony and I had to go back out there in the dating world. Who would want me? At what point would I even tell someone I am HIV+. First date? Second date? First conversation? It scares the hell out of me. It has even put an end to me having fantasy's. Can anyone relate to this or understand what I am saying? Now when Tony says something like 'he would want me bad' or such I think to myself 'yah, but what would he want with me?'. Is this reasonable thoughts? Can I no longer have a sexual fantasy? Anyone else go through this in a way it makes sense?

Friday, December 4, 2009

December 4, 2009 Friday Night

Wednesday I went into work and tied up some loose ends and such. Worked only a couple hours and came home. Stopped off at Walgreen's on the way home to pick up some prescriptions. Made it out of the store without buying any cigs. Stopped off at the gas station for some gas, and made it out without buying any cigs. I had forgot to put the patch on today, noticed I had forgotten about half way to work. Got home and started looking for my social security card and birth certificate that I needed for applying for energy assistance. Not where it should be. In fact, Tony's social security card and birth certificate are not where they should be either. Spent the next 3 hours tearing apart the house 6 times over looking for them. Tried to remember when I would have used or needed them last. No clue. Tony came home and I dared him to find them hoping maybe he might know where they are. Nope. We went out for cheap burgers, my mind always on where the missing paperwork is. I hate crap like this. I can not 'move forward' when stuff like this happens. I have to solve the mystery. Came home and spent the night going around the house looking everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Without a cig no less. Went to bed around 11 PM thinking I will have to order and pay for new birth certificates and social security card.

Woke up Thursday morning and after a bit of coffee started the search again throughout the house. Gave up soon and called my parents to vent. I then downloaded all the information from the internet to apply for a new social security card. Called my parents back to get their social security numbers as needed on the application. Got it all filled out and walked into the spare bedroom and looked around the room. We have this exercises bike (that never is used) next to my cd racks between the big chest like thing that hold blankets and such. I thought to myself that if I moved the bike out and pushed the chest in towards the cd racks there would be more room in this room. So I pulled the bike away from the wall and then went to the end of the chest thing and started pushing it with my shoulders towards the cd racks. It is very heavy and had Tony's fire safe safe on it among other things. As I pushed, this clear envelope fell to my feet from behind the chest. It was the envelope with both of our social security cards and birth certificates as well as............................ a $100 bill. What the heck? Not only did I find the missing paperwork, but there is a $100 bill tucked in the envelope. It took me about a half day to remember why. About a month or so ago Milwaukee started a Domestic Partner Registry. I was collecting all the required paperwork and fees to take with us. I have no clue what side tracked us from that one, but we never did sign up. Have to look back on my blog and see what emergency must have come up that day and diverted us. Anyway, found the darn paperwork, as well as $100.00. Made sloppy joe's for dinner with french fries. Had to stop eating at bedtime to fast for my blood tests Friday Morning.

Got up this morning and after feeding the dogs and such I put on my sweat pants, washed up a bit and headed out the door to the hospital for my 3 month blood work. I find out the results in a week and a half when I visit my doctor for that appointment. I will post them. Had a nice lunch with the guys as usual. Tony got a check today from the guy who scammed him for a fourth of what we paid him. We cashed it and when I got home I started calling him and letting him know the phone calls will not end until we get the remainder of our money. He sent a letter with the check saying we would get a 1/4 a month for the next three months. No way. But we will take the money he sent. Filled his voice mail box by 4 PM this afternoon again. I fill it twice a day. Knowing I got even this check from this scammer lets me know my calls are working.
Watching the series final of Monk tonight and then White Collar. Snowed today in Milwaukee, our first for the season, looks pretty, but jeez is it cold outside.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

December 1, 2009 Tuesday Night

Could not believe when I came to my blog tonight to see the counter at the bottom of the page (I do check the number daily) and saw I had not posted since Saturday night. Where does the time go? I could have sworn I posted something on Sunday.

Saturday night we watched the movie Twilight. I know the sequel New Moon is at the theaters now. We are always behind on movies. Actually I kinda put it in the category with Harry Potter. It was entertaining and we will check out the sequel soon. The vampire guy actually looks 'sickly' to me. Guess that is how he is suppose to look?

Sunday morning we drove to Tony's mom's house to take her for breakfast. I get to eat, and Tony gets to see his mom. We do this every other week usually. She is retired and has little visitors at her home so she appreciates us taking her out for breakfast. Got the weeks worth of lottery tickets on the way home at the local grocery store. Did a little shopping for the weeks food. Mostly fresh fruit and dairy products. Spend the rest of Sunday keeping busy around the house or watching TV as Tony vegged on the couch. I kept busy cleaning or filing paperwork in preparation for tax season because I am once again trying to quit smoking. It was my first day. If I sat down, my mind wanted a cig. Have the patch on. Made it through the day without killing anyone. Watched our usual Sunday night line up on ABC and lights out at 10 PM.

Monday I worked a few hours doing the inventory at work. Got home very tired and didn't even have the strength to make dinner. Microwaved two TV dinners. Tony was not happy with dinner as usual. Got my Windows 7 upgrade in the mail today so I thought I would give the upgrade a try. Yes, maybe not the best decision being the second day without a cig. Yes, second day. Thankfully the upgrade went very smooth and I must say I like Windows 7 much better than Vista. Just searching for files is so much easier. Everything seems to be working great. Did not lose a link or anything. I recommend upgrading your email to Windows Live prior so you do not lose any email. I guess the upgrade doesn't include Windows Mail so I didn't want to lose all my sent or deleted email much less the address book. Everything went so smoothly. Just did an upgrade, not a full system restore. Didn't want to go through that much work. I know it was probably a good idea but then again this is a new computer I have only had for a few months. How much harm could I have done? I am happy I took the chance and now have Windows 7 on this new computer. Went to bed and watched TV around 9 PM and then lights out at 10 PM. Lately we don't even watch the 10 PM news we are so tired.

Today I went into work again for a few hours to order some products for the spa and school. Got everything I wanted to get done accomplished. Called it a day by 3 PM. Spent 45 minutes on hold with Foodshare to see if they got the updated information I faxed last week and if it made a difference with my benefit. They got the information, it makes no difference. Guess my social security seems to much income to them. What the f#ck? I don't know how anyone can live on what they plan on paying me a month. Sounds like a catch 22 to me. No one person alone can live on social security in today's world. Bare bones expenses are not even covered. I made a spreadsheet the other night for the heck of it to see what it cost each month to live. Unbelievable when you start adding up gas, electric, phone, internet, cable, cell, food, insurance for house, car, health.......................... it cost at least $3000 a month to sit home and do nothing. I guess I missed the money train when it came my way. When I hear of these wallstreet guys getting million dollar bonus's I can not believe it. I could live the rest of my life on the interest alone. What the heck do they do with all that money? Made it though the day again today without a cig. Day 3. Not bad hey? Have the patch on again today. I do plan on this being the last time. I am not going to be one of those people spending 7 dollars a day for a pack of cigs and standing outside in the Wisconsin winter to smoke them. It just is that simple. So there is no other option. Any encouragement is appreciated. I do find myself eating all night because of this. That must change soon. But lets get through the week first, right? Since I usually smoke a pack of cigs a day, I have saved myself almost $20, and three packs of smoke in my lungs. When you look at it like that, it sure make sense to quit. Failure this time is not an option. Going to a restaurant a block away for $1 tacos tonight for dinner. Will most likely be home and warm by 8 PM watching TV. I am so glad prime time TV is 7 PM to 10 PM in the central time zone. I can not imagine having to stay up until 11 PM to watch the news. We central time zone people need our sleep I guess.