December 16, 2009 Wednesday Morning

Worked most of Monday and a few hours on Tuesday. Tuesday night we went out for dinner for $1 taco's. Took a nap after I got home from work yesterday which might be the reason I slept so bad last night. I was up at least 10 times and never could get comfortable. It could also have been the fact I slept on the other side of the bed, pushed Tony towards the middle of the bed, because Stella, Barkley and Vito were taking up so much room. Kali was smart and stretched out on the bedroom couch. Sometimes I think she is the smartest of us all. She gets the whole couch to herself.

This morning I got some stuff done around the house and then drove to the vet to buy Barkley his special food. Was happy to have a credit when all was said and done due to the fact my sister put $100 on our dogie account as a Christmas present. How nice. Have to call her after this blog post. Came home and after vacuuming I took my tenants with me to the food pantry at ARCW and got my monthly food and stocked up on bread. Lots of bread. I am very nervous and always am prior to going to my AIDS doctor. I have a 1:30 appointment today. I get my latest round of blood results. I am really hoping to still be undetectable and hopefully my TCell count will have gotten into the 400s. Lets hope. I hate going to this doctor because, even though he has helped me live, it reminds me each time of this horrible disease I have. I can go through most days not thinking about it, or pushing it off to the side in my head if I keep busy. But when I have nothing to do or have this doctor appointment it gives me nothing else to think about.

I have been reflecting lately on my life and what it was like one year ago. I started this blog on January 7, 2009 the day I found out I was HIV+. Not sure why after getting news like that I would start a blog that day. But I did. Months prior to January I knew something was not right. I remember very well last year between Thanksgiving and Christmas putting off making a doctor's appointment because I just had this feeling I was not going to hear good news. I knew something was wrong. I finally made the doctor appointment the day before New Years and went in on the 4th of January. I finally got the results on January 7th. I will never forget that day. I remember very well these days before that dreaded day wondering what could be wrong with me. I had thrush, sores in my ears and nose, and was bleeding rectally. I was also getting scabs and such on my face. I was so tired all the time and had to push myself through the day. I knew this was not normal. I know the thought of AIDS came into my mind, but I kept telling myself it can not be. I remember at Christmas with my family everyone saying how much weight I had lost and not wanting to talk much because the thrush was so noticeable when I opened my mouth. Of course I didn't know it was thrush at the time. I try to keep telling myself how lucky I am because if I had not pushed for the HIV test I would have gotten sicker and sicker and maybe would not be here today. In fact I was so sick, I would not have been here today. Sometimes these thoughts are very hard to deal with. Sometimes I just want to cry. I think of everything I would have missed in the last year. I would have missed so much. My family, Tony, my dogs, visits from internet friends that flew half way around the country just to see me..........so much. I am glad to still be around.

I will post again this afternoon my new blood test results and how I feel about them.