December 5, 2009 Fantasy's

I have wanted to talk about this subject in my blog for some time but have never found the time to talk about it. Since Tony went to work today and I have most the day to talk, I will.

I lot has changed in my life in the past year since finding out I was HIV+ and then AIDS. One subject I wanted to explore was the topic of fantasies. I hear having fantasies is a good thing, even in a relationship, as long as you know that they are just that, fantasies. I use to be able to fantasise about a good looking guy I saw. My fantasy really were not so much about sex as they were about the courting stage of getting to know each other and the romance in that part of getting to know each other. More about what we would say and the cute little things involved in getting to know each other. I always considered myself somewhat attractive so I was always 'in the running' so to speak if I met some attractive guy, or saw an attractive guy on TV or something. Tony and I always had this little game when we see someone attractive. We usually make a comment such as 'he would want me bad'. Or 'can you imagine the things he wants to do to me'. Call it couples play, whatever. It is better than pointing out point blank to one's partner that 'I'd do him'. My point is the fact I at one time could fantasise about another person and them being attracted to me. Since my diagnosis this fantasy and game play between Tony and I has lost its fun. I can not fantasise anymore. The minute I see a good looking guy or such I start to fantasise and then the fantasy always goes the same direction. It sooner or later leads to me having to tell the person I have AIDS. At that point the fantasy always ends with the guy turning away or walking away. I guess I think 'what guy would ever want me if something happened to Tony since I have AIDS?' I can not imagine if something happened to Tony and I had to go back out there in the dating world. Who would want me? At what point would I even tell someone I am HIV+. First date? Second date? First conversation? It scares the hell out of me. It has even put an end to me having fantasy's. Can anyone relate to this or understand what I am saying? Now when Tony says something like 'he would want me bad' or such I think to myself 'yah, but what would he want with me?'. Is this reasonable thoughts? Can I no longer have a sexual fantasy? Anyone else go through this in a way it makes sense?