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Friday, January 30, 2009

January 30, 2009 Friday

Thank God It's Friday.
I know that might sound funny from someone who doesn't even have a job, but that means a weekend with Tony. We went to the weekly lunch today at a local diner where HIV and partners get together to have lunch every Friday. They even have a table set aside each Friday. There were about 8 of us. Was very nice. Nice people again. And found myself even laughing, yes, laughing. We will continue these Friday lunches, it was fun. Next week I know I have an apt but from that point forward I told the guys to expect Tony and I at lunch each Friday. Funny what a small world it is when you talk with people you really don't know but who they all know. And of course the minute its brought up we own the house with the cars in the front yard you know where the converstation goes for a while there.
Got a phone call from the person I was hoping to contact that wrote that story The Test. He called me last night. Was nice talking with him. I think I found another person I can someday count on as a friend. We can never have too many of them. To bad he lives 45 minutes from Milwaukee or Madison, his resources where he is are not as good as being in a big city.
I have a feeling him and I will keep in touch through email and such.
I was up and out of bed by 6:30 again today, and I must say I almost feel great. Definitely in the final days of this flu going around. I sure hope Tony don't get it. He can be just as 'fun' to be with when he is sick as when I am sick.
Was very cold again in Milwaukee today. I dont think we have been above the freezing mark since December. I am so sick of this cold weather. Just glad we are not getting the storms like out East. How you holdin up Jack? Looks pretty icy on my news channels.
Will most likely go out to a local bar tonight for a Friday Fish Fry. If your from Wisconsin you know it is a tradition every Friday. Depends how much energy Tony has after his long day of work.
There is a Pet Show on Saturday at the State Fair Building. We have gone in the past and had fun watching the judging and dogs go through mazes and stunts and stuff. I always end up buying some sort of trinket at these things of a current or past dog.

I feel much better at the end of this week than I did in the beginning. Hope all is well in everyone elses world. Keep reading, I keep writing, it keeps the mind active. Sounds like I am seeking out what is needed to know and moving forward as a person should. That is a good thing in my world lately just to know I am normal. Me normal, hmm, not sure how I feel about that.
Take care. Will write if I can over the weekend.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

January 29, 2009 Thursday

Thought I better put a post out there so you guys know I'm still alive. Actually, I was up with Tony this morning at 6:30 am to get him off to work. Cleaned the house, went to the library for tax forms and instructions, did my taxes to the best of my ability to name just a few things. Taxes just have to be copied and mailed tomorrow.
Feel so much better today. Tomorrow I hope I will be back to healthy. This flu going around knocks you out for four days. Two days in the middle were the worst of course. Not often I spend a day in bed like I did Monday.
Spent a lot of time trying to get ahold of the guy at the meeting last night who wrote the story The Test ( a link is in the last post and at the bottom of the blog page). I hope he doesn't think I am a stalker from my email I finally sent him after finding him. I think I am a pretty good judge of people and I think he could be a good friend to have in my life and hopefully me in his.
Watching the looneys on American Idol, I do like this show, why do family and friends tell someone they can sing when they really can not sing. It's not doing the person any favors to mislead them like that. Not sure I like the fourth judge thing this year either.
Still haven't watch Lost from last night, have to watch that show with NO interuptions or you miss the littlest important thing.
OK, I am loggin off for the night. Hope everyone had a day as well as mine or better. HUGS to Suz, I haven't forgotten you and what you must be going through.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

January 28, 2009 Wednesday Night

I will write more about this tomorrow but I had to let you guys know I had a real good group meeting tonight. I met a guy named Dustin, I know he won't mind me using his name since I am about to paste a link to an article he wrote this past summer. I had a connection to this guy from the time he walked into the meeting. I now read a story he posted in a Magazine called Our Lives and see why I feel such a connection. I am listing the web link below, if you do anything today, please read his story, it says what I am going through and have been going through for the past three weeks. It is a short story but says it ALL.
I will be writing him email and hope we can connect in a friendship. This kid knows my story in a nutshell.

January 28, 2009 Wednesday

Woke up feeling better today than the day before. Had my apt with my case worker at ARCW at 9:30 so had to get up and out the door by 9am. At this point she is still just taking intake information on me for their data base. After that we set up an apt with a counselor named Crystal for February 10th. I'm all for free counseling at this time, in fact I need it.
Got home and pretty much went back to rest in bed. Just feeling tired and the tummy still hurts. Food still doesnt even sound good. Ate part of a peanutbutter and honey sandwich, the dogs ate the rest of it. I have my Wednesday night HIV group meeting tonight at 7pm. Haven't talked to Paul yet to see if he is going or driving with me. I will go either way to the meeting. I am hoping more people show up this week but hey, if I can get even one person to listen to my sorrows I take it. That sounds bad but I just need to know from others who have been down this road if I am taking this all in stride in a normal way. So far my case worker seems to think I am going through everything ok and it is normal to get sick from all the initial stress and shit. So talking with others who have walked in these shoes helps me know the feelings, thoughts, and aches and pains are all 'normal' and will not last forever. Much less hearing 'life will get better' does help. Not sure how I would be able to work full time and do all these apts.
I am a HUGE Lost fan (ABC Wed nights) so these Wednesday night meetings dont fit good into my schedule, thank god for the DVR. I would be so pissed if it didnt tape the show for some reason. Anyone else watching this show? I love this show. I still have issues with ABC canceling the show Invasion. Man did I LOVE that show. The last show they aired was the best. It was the one time I wrote to ABC to complain about a canceled show. I will just have to do without my Wednesday night American Idol, but I can do it.
Gotta go get something done around here. Till we talk again.....................

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

January 27, 2009 Tuesday

I'm still alive. I spent the rest of Monday pretty much in bed. Today I feel better than I did yesterday. I don't feel great, in fact after this post I am going to nap, but since I feel 'better' I guess thats the key word. Lets see if the Mac and Cheese I just ate for lunch stays down.
Tony just called to check in to see how I am feeling. What a sweet heart hey?

I spent this morning feeling sorry for myself again but I got out of bed and got things done while I felt this way still feeling sick. Dishes are done, dog poop outside is picked up, I vaccumed and picked up the whole house, and have even showered. Getting sick like this just makes me realize how nothing I thought of before will ever be thought that way again. Every little thing I get I am going to wonder if maybe tomorrow will be the day I am carted away to the hospital. The fact I feel even a little better today does wonders for the mind. At least I know my body does have fight left in it. My doctors and friends told me I would still get sick and flu's like every other year, it just might take longer to get rid of them.

I did get a call on a resume I sent to the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center for a Data Entry Specialist. I have an interview next week Wednesday. It would be an entry level job full time at the LGBT Center. How great would that be? I would be right where all or any new information about HIV and stuff comes first. I am really hoping I do good next week at this intrview. Glad it is a week away so I can get healthy and have another week to get my head together. This HIV AIDS stuff is hard to wrap your mind around at times. I think when I go to the center on Wednesday night for my meeting I will seek out the interviewer just to say Hi and introduce myself. When I sent my resume I thought long and hard and did add a paragraph adding that I was recently diagnosed HIV+. I'm thinking that might have caught the interviews eye. Got to do anything you can these days to get your foot in the door. Maybe the interviewer will have more sympathy and find I am a better fit since I will be able to relate to other gay peoples problems, time will tell. If it is ment to be it will be.

OK, time to go take a nap. This exhausted me. I feel so sorry for the dogs. Barkley needs a walk so bad. Maybe after my nap I will have the strength.

Monday, January 26, 2009

January 26, 2009 Monday

Not feeling good at all today. Spent the day in bed. Threw up last night. Today I have the runs and still throwing up. Talked to the doctor. Of course he is on vacation this week. The other doc said to just take the AIDS drugs at this time but hold off on anything else that makes you want to throw up. Not a good day. There has been a lot of flu going around. Pray its just the flu. Going back to bed.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Sunday January 25, 2009 Night Time

It was pretty much a depressing do nothing day today. I feel tired, drained, and just can't wait to go to bed tonght.
I guess the only way to explain is the days after I found out I was HIV positive I cryed and felt how I have felt the last few days. Since finding out Thursday I am now AIDS I pretty much feel like those days but without all the crying. Comes to a point where you just can't cry anymore.
Had no side effects last night when it comes to upset stomach, so that is good.
Just feel tired and drained today. Layed around and watched TV while Tony worked on the second bathrom construction.
Feeling angry and irritable most of the day. Doesn't take much to set me off.
Going to log off and hope tomorrow is a better day.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

January 24, 2009 Saturday Morning

Been a quiet morning. Last night was my second night on my new AIDS cocktail. I take it a bit before bedtime. I woke up the first night feeling sick to my stomach. Last night I woke up around 3 am, ran to the bathroom, got that watery feeling in your mouth but was able to not throw up, just spit the spit in the toilet. Sorry to be gross. I did not throw up but will have to keep an eye on this just in case these pills are a bit to strong for my stomach.

Feeling tired today. Just want to lay around in a blanket and feel sorry for myself. Yah I said that, I think I deserve it. Also took an anxiety pill this morning because I feel like I'm on a thin rope ready to go off the deep end. The best way I can explain it is:
One minute I feel like talking, the next moment I just want to shut up and not talk.
One minute I want Tony next to me, the next moment I just want to be left alone.
One minute I feel like crying, the next moment I say 'get up' and stop crying.
One minute I want to sit, the next moment I need to walk the house.
One minute I feel like talking or calling a friend, the next minute I just don't.
One minute I am cold, the next I am hot.
One minute I am scared, then next minute I find hope.
One minute I want a hug, the next I want to be alone.
One minute I want to read a book or mag, the next minute it can't keep my attention.
One minute I want my dogs next to me, the next they seem to be getting on my last nerve.
One minute I feel hungry, the next I feel like throwing up.
I could go on and one but as you can see it is a constant struggle in my head just to make it from one minute to the next.

Paul and Jan are coming over tonight to watch the move Prayers For Bobby on Lifetime, it is suppose to be an excellent movie. Sigorney Weaver stars. Check it out.

Friday, January 23, 2009

January 23, 2009 Friday Afternoon

Played with my taxes for a while. It least thats what I call it. Got them done kinda in pencil. Now just have to go over them again and see if I want to change any numbers.

Got a reject letter from the business I was really hoping to get a job at in todays mail. Oh well, must not have been ment to be.

January 23, 2009 Friday Morning

Took my first AIDS meds at 9pm last night. Guess I'll remember that day and date just like the day I found out this news. I did not sleep well last night. I should have taken an anxiety pill before bed too, but didnt want to mix to many drugs at once.
Was a tough night. I paced the living room constantly saying to myself 'I have AIDS'. WOW, it was bad enough when I had to say 'I have HIV', now this. It just keeps running through my head.
I contacted my doctor to ask if I should continue the first meds he gave me now that I am taking these new drugs. Hope to get a return call soon. Also left a message on a lawyers number to return my call so Tony and I can update our Wills and Power of Attorney. Also need social security questions and Tony carrying me as an employee and his health insurance questions. Plus, do I put the house in both our names now to make it easier down the road if something happens to me?
So a lawyer is a must at his point. Hope ARCW can provide one cheap or at least reasonable.
The AIDS drug copay I picked up yesterday was only $35 thank god, was told without insurance a months worth would be $2000. WOW.
Took an anxiety pill about an hour ago. It was needed. Glad its Friday, another weekend with my honey and the dogs.
No call yet on a job offer but that is the least of my worries at this point. At least as long as Tony keeps making money. LOL
I guess I would discribe my mood right now as just 'numb'. Good word. Numb.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

January 22, 2009 Thursday Blood Test Results

Well, this is not the news I really like having to put out there, but this is where it stands in a nutshell.
The good news: I have no Resistance associated RT Mutations. I guess this is good because if I did it would make medications more of a struggle to prescribe and would mean I have other things to worry about.
Now for the bad bad news. My T cell count is 106. It should be about 1000. Anything under 500 is a concern. Anything under 200 is classified as AIDS. Yes, I can't believe I just wrote that myself. I am classified as AIDS at this point. WOW. You have no idea what is going through my head and how much it is spinning. I have about 5 pages of test results if anyone who knows what they mean would like a copy to help inform me I would appreciate it. Let me know a fax number via email and I will send them.
I was given prescriptions for ACYCLOVIR 800MG twice daily as a precautionary measure at this time and a prescription of ATRIPLA TABLETS once a day same time each day. The ATRIPLA is the meds that will hopefully raise my T count is a new drug that combinds many others . The final hope is someday I will be undetectable. I am sure I will be on the internet most of the night looking this stuff up.
The ATRIPLA side effects are vivid color dreams (good blog topic I guess) and in some cases suicidal thoughts. So the doctor talked to Tony about watching any changes in me. Tony was in the doctors office for the entire visit. Heard everything I heard. He is at work right now probably trying to digest all this also. I already picked up my new meds and start them tonght. Guess a whole new thing to talk about..........side effects.
So, its been 3 hours since I found out I am actually classified as AIDS. I need time to take this all in myself. Time to mix a drink and sit back and take some deep breaths.
Sorry the news wasn't better but my doctor seems to think in todays world I could live to 80. Time will tell. He probably tells all his patients that.

January 22, 2009 Thursday Morning

Good Morning.
Had our first HIV group meeting last night. Only four of us in all this night. Usually there are more I am told. Was an interesting meeting and I got more questions answered and met new people. Paul picked me up and took me to the meeting with him, he is such a peach.

This afternoon I get my test results which is why I have been holding off a 'what I learned in two weeks' blog. I figure I would wait till I have numbers to share. So watch for my blog update later this afternoon after my doctor apt cause I should have a lot of details.

Woke up feeling good, but the waiting for the doctor meeting today is killing me.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

January 21, 2009 Wednesday Dogs And Their Bones

Can someone explain to me why you can give three dogs (Tony took Stella to work with him today) each their own huge chew toy and yet they always want the other dogs chew toy?
Now lets look at this. All three dogs got the exact same size 2 inch x 6 inch chew bone to chew on. They all got them at the same time so they could see they all got the same thing. Yet, Kali is chewing on a bone while the other two wait to pounce on her bone if she let go for even a second.
There are two bones not being chewed laying right within sight, yet the one Kali has right now is the one they all three want.
I have been to a restaurant and compared my steak to someone else's thinking I wish I would have been served their steak instead, but I don't reach across the table or sit there and glare at them so they have to eat it as fast as possible before I get my hands on it. Wait, I have traded my plate of food for Tonys plate of food when his looked better at a restaurant, but thats different, right?
Anyway, why is this? If I filled the room with dog chew bones the dogs would still just want 'one' of them. Guesss the grass, or in this case, the bone, always looks greener/better on the other side of the fence.
They are so cute to watch. So content, and out of my hair for at least now. :)

Quick shout out to my Grandma who died over 25 years ago. Everytime I make Tomato Soup (had for lunch) when I put the sugar or sweet n low in it to sweeten it up I think of her. I remember as a kid going to her house and grandpa and her always sat at the kitchen table smokin cigs and drinking coffee. Her Tomato soup was always almost sickeningly sweet cause of all the sugar she would put in it. I find myself doing this to my Tomato soup to this day. So she was thought of today. I often wonder if I will be thought of years after I am gone. Hi Grandma, say hi to Grandpa, my other grandma, and all my dogs that should be up there with you.

January 21, 2009 Wednesday Morning

Had my second apt with my case worker today a ARCW. Went well. She took more information on me to compare in future months how attitude and health changes. She gave me numbers for some legal advice and also talked to someone one floor up on future dental needs and where I will go for them from this point forward. Have another meeting next Wednesday with her.
Now I just wait for tonights first HIV meeting with my friend Paul. I can't wait. Though I will have to DVR Lost and American Idol.
Feeling good today. I could do a little cleaning around here, but...................
Talk to you later.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

January 20, 2009 Tuesday Morning

As you can see I changed my main picture to the left. Tony mentioned it was not a good pic. So we went through our pics last night. Holly Shit, when did I get so old that I don't take a good pic anymore? It was horrible. LOL At least this one I can live with for a while. Getting older really sucks when you look at pictures of yourself. Life is not kind.

Cleaned the basement this morning. Tony cut some wood down there a while back and the saw dust of course is my job to clean up. So the basement is 'clean enough' and that job is done.
Watched Obama speach. Was a good speach but I cant watch this on TV all day. Going to have to do some channel surfing or a nice long nap this afternoon.

Still waiting to get my call from my past interview. I sound like the song from Chorus Line 'I hope I get it, Boy I hope I get it'. Guess you have to be a fan to understand. That was Chorus Line wasn't it? If I can find a party tonight that serves food for the Obama event maybe we will go, otherwise I have to cook something for the man. I never enjoyed cooking or the clean up.

If my last W2 would get here I could start working on my taxes. I always get them done very early, not one to wait till the deadline. Might start filling in the forms today.

Stella stayed home today. Mondays wear her out being at the shop a full day. She will sleep most of the day and hopefully I'll send her back to work with Tony tomorrow.

My Dad and Mom called this morning. Not an easy phone call these days. Since I haven't told them and have no plans in the near future it is very hard to put on this 'everything is so good' talk when on the phone with them. I also feel bad cause I usually share almost everything with my mom. But this IS different. Going to have to keep up the happy tone on the phone with them. Not easy to do.

Monday, January 19, 2009

January 19, 2009 Monday Numbers

As I mentioned earlier today I could use some help trying to decifer what someone or some force is trying to tell me. For the last few weeks every time I look at a digital clock or something like that with numbers it is always numbers in sets. For instance. If I wake up in the middle of the night its either 1:11 or 2:22 or 3:33 or dual numbers like 11:44 or 11:22 or 12:12 or 10:10, etc. I hope this is making sense. I feel like my spirit guide for lack of a better word is trying to send me messages about pairs of numbers but I'm not getting the connection.
I am really serious about this. I will even sometime point out the time to Tony that I look at the clock and this is happening. The other day I showed him the scoll on the bottom of the screen, it was 1:11 in the afternon and 1 degree. It has actually gotten to the point where I'm thinking of seeing a psychic about it.
I hope your getting this and not thinking I've gone off the deep end. Any thoughts what the message could be?

January 19, 2009 Monday Kali

This afternoon I was sorting out the address and phone book in my never ending quest to make sure Tony doesn't have to worry about this stuff some day. I ran across a business card of the girl who gave Tony and I Kali about 8 1/2 years ago. For the heck of it I did a google search of her name and got her home phone number to boot. I called and it was the same person. She was very happy to hear that Kali is and has had a very happy life with us. It was nice to talk to her. She is living in a different state now and sounds happy. It was great to let her know she made the correct decision eight years ago to give Kali to us, because Kali has had a good life filled with great dads and puppy friends.

January 19, 2009 Monday Morning

Good morning.
Had a good nights sleep again last night. The anxiety pill I take about 9pm really gives me a good nights sleep. I'm still just trying to get to this Thursday when I find out my blood results so hold off the addiction thoughts. Plus I have only been taking that one a day for the last few days so I'm doing good. I can take them up to three times a day.
Tony feeds the birds each morning when he gets the morning paper on the front stoop. This morning there was a rabbit under the bushes eating with all the birds. Haven't seen this rabbit before, in fact in the 19 years we've lived here I've maybe seen 5 rabbits. I love rabbits, had one as a pet once. Anyway, was cute to see them all getting along, wonder what seeing the rabbit this morning means? Is it a sign? Speaking of signs, I got one to run by you guys later today when I have some time to get into it. Will be interested on your thoughts on that one too.
All showered, ate a bowl of cereal (I have to eat something in the morning, which is a good thing) the dogs are finally in their spots sleeping, Stella went to work with Tony today. She needed to get out being a pitbull and her energy level. Tony takes her to his auto body shop most days and keeps her in a 12 foot x 12 foot, 6 foot high fenced pen. She loves going to work with him and all the attention she gets from the guys that work there. She has a particular attraction to Tonys brother, have to hold back the giggles, remind me to tell you that story sometime. They have a love/hate relationship in short.
I should go to Walgreens and get a few things on sale I saw in their flyer. I started taking B Complex and Milk Thistle along with my daily vitiamins last week. My brother suggested them and they sound good, actually buying the natural brands and spending the extra money. Wow how a week can change me, lol. So since there on sale better stock up. Buy one get one free is a good sale in my mind.
I have to, have to, have to get out in our side yard today and clean up a bit of the dog droppings. With four dogs you need to do this daily if not more if your a good daddy. Well, between the cold and the inches of snow we keep getting each day its been a few days. Going to have to bundle up cause I think I might be outside there for a while. Why hasnt someone come up with little diaper/bags you can strap to a dog and make it easier? Second thought, 4 dogs, the cost would be bad.
People Court is on the TV, not keeping my interest. Time to log off and get going. I am hoping I get a call on that second interview I had last Friday. I would love to get an offer and would take it. Other than that I dont have any appointments till Wednesday at 9:30 with my case worker and then the nightly Wednesday meeting.
Talk to you later.

January 18, 2009 Sunday

Didn't do a whole lot today. I made a big french toast breakfast. Watched a lot of TV again today. We sound so lazy. LOL Keep in mind it never got above 10 degrees outside. I did get out of the house and go to get our weekly lottery tickets. We have been buying weekly lottery tickets, same numbers, three lotteries, never missed a week, for about 15 years now. Its got to be just a matter of time till our numbers hit, its been 15 years!
We watched the movie The Day The Earth Stood Still with our tenants this afternoon. Was not as bad as I had heard. Kept your interest throughout. Goes to show not to listen to the critics. Dinner was a can of Ravioli, don't even go there, even though I am the ONLY one who cooks in this house it doesn't mean I have to enjoy doing it. After Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters, a bit of the local news (the tv goes off the minute sports comes on, hey, remember I'm gay) and it was time for bed.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

January 17, 2009 Saturday

Had for the most part a quiet day at home today. Tony went in to work for a few hours this morning to work on a car or two. Then the DVR got a good work out. Not only do I tape the soap One Life To Live and have been watching for over 30 years, but I tape all the Law and Order, CSI, Without A Trace and shows like that so there is always something we can watch. Of course what are we watching now.............Terminator 3, with commercials, and for the unteenth time.
Thought of a few future topics for the blog: Our Dogs, My 2 real loves of my life, Life Growing Up, Telling My Family I Was Gay, Our Holy Union, Tony, and my Grandma to name a few.
So on those boring days I will pick a topic and you will soon know more about me.

Till next post. Know today was a good day.

Friday, January 16, 2009

January 16, 2009 Medical Records

So, I requested my medical records last week and they arrived today. After going through them I have in my hand a piece of paper with a blood test result dated 7/14/99 and it says I am HIV Negative. So as of July of 1999 I was negative. I could swear I got tested maybe five years after that test but you know how time flies and what we remember. Either way this is proof that in 1999 I tested Negative. So many questions.

January 16, 2009 Friends

About 5 months ago I was told by a one time good friend of mine that I had a boring life with no friends and only had Tony and my dogs in my life. He said this to me as if this was a bad thing or somehow trying to make me feel like I wasn't living a happy life or missing something. I really never took it that way since I am and have always been very happy to have Tony and my dogs as my center of my life. He is no longer a friend and has not been since that day. I am a nester by nature, very organized, and of course you know this means I would be called 'controling' by people who really know me, Tony especially. Since this life changing event, the point of the post, is to say I have also in just one week learned I have soooooooooooooooooooooo many good friends that have offered to do anything and everything to help me get through this. I have received some of the most loving emails, calls and thoughts from friends I've known a lifetime to friends I've known through internet channels for years and have never personally met. If your one of them, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I have realized if I need someone at any given time not only would Tony be there but there would be a lot of people who at least would stop what they are doing and just listen. Even the AIDS Crisis line lady listened to me cry on day two for about a half hour. Now I cry, first time today. Deep breath. Anyway. Tony deserves a metal for what I have put him through this last week. Long time friends have reached out in ways I never imagined. Strangers have comforted me at appointments and meetings. Internet friends have sent hugs and happy thoughts. All have been positive and it is because of them all that I can even sit here at this computer and not be curled up in a ball in bed crying. Thank you all.
Note to add to things I've learned: Don't let anyone tell you you have any less of a life and let you believe it. AND Never under estimate the amount of friends, generousity and kindness there really really is still in this world.
I've also learned each person can help in their own special way. For example I can get a better prospective on meds, side effects, feelings, from a fellow HIV person if they have HIV. You can not always expect someone else to know exactly or closely to what your thinking. It is not their fault. Its a simple fact. Another example would be couples question to couples living through this. I'm hoping you understood all that. I read it twice and .........So if I don't reach out for you in one way or another know at this point I have someone covered pretty good I feel if I need someone.
I must admit I am so glad it is Friday. Days are a blur by the way, maybe another topic someday, but that means to me a weekend with my honey Tony. And since the DVR is almost full and the weather is frightfully cold. Lots of TV and together time.
Talk to you soon.
OK, that was my reflection of the day. Get back to work.

January 16, 2009 Afternoon

Today I had a second interview with a company I am hoping to get a job with. The interview went great. It is a company only 15 minutes away Downtown and I would be doing their bookkeeping. I am very excited and happy the interview went as well as it did. I was told a decision will be made sometime next week. Lets hope for the best.

I went grocery shoping on my way home from the interview. Wow, am I the only one who has noticed how much it cost to grocery shop these days? Was a day when you got change back from a $100 bill. Now you gotta put the remainder on the credit card, LOL. I put the groceries away which is a job in itself with 4 dogs at your feet thinking every item that comes out of the bag 'has' to be for them. Dishes are done. Just need to vacuum yet which I have to do every day having 4 dogs. **side note, my spelling sucks, so if you notice spelling mistakes, get over it. As long as you can figure out what the word is I did my job.

Having a good day today. I think the Friday get together lunch has been canceled due to the extreme cold here in Milwaukee, not sure if we will get above zero degrees today. Not going anywhere the rest of the day. I feel so sorry for the dogs having to go out in this. I literally have to yell at them from the time they leave the door to the time they get back in or they run out of time, start having problems walking, and then fall over and I have to go get them. Its that cold here right now. And not a pretty sight. Poor things.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

January 15, 2009 Thursday Afternoon

Tony and I had been awaiting his blood test results since last Friday. I just got a call from Tony telling me his doctor called with his results - his are negative. I am so glad.

Spending the afternoon snuggled on the couch with the four dogs today. I still don't think its gotten above zero degrees outside yet and its the middle of the afternoon. I do enjoy snuggling with the dogs I have to admit. I told Tony last night, when I die I want to be in our bed, with him and the dogs all around me. The place I always feel most secure.

January 15, 2009 Thursday Morning

As I mentioned in earlier posts last night was to be my first meeting at the Gay Lesbian Center for people living with HIV. I was to go with my friend Paul. Unfortunately it was so cold, and still is so cold, that the meeting was canceled. I had been looking forward to this meeting all day since I couldn't wait to meet and hear other people going through what I am going through.
Paul and his partner asked Tony and I to come over for dinner instead. At first I was hesitant because I do not want to overstay my welcome so to speak, plus Tony was tired from a full day at work. But then I said to Tony 'we need to do this, if we are invited out of someones kindness we need to be a friend back'. Dinner and conversation was wonderful. I still have so many questions so it was nice to ask more of them much less just sit around in a very warm friendly setting. I actually caught myself laughing, smiling, and happy for a time which was not something I have experienced for over a week. Thank you Paul and Jan.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good. Cold, but thats because it is negative 9 degrees right now outside with a windchill of 26 below zero. I have no plans today which is so good because of the cold and I hate going outside in it. This will give me time to add to this blog sight today. So stay tuned I have more to say.......................

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What I Have Learned In One Week With HIV

The last week has been a whirlwind of thoughts and information. My life might or might not be similar to yours, but this is what I have learned in one weeks time:

- Put you first. This doesn't mean forgetting others concerns or worries, it simply means you need to think of your life and what is best for you.
- HIV is not a death sentence.
- Find yourself a doctor that specializes in HIV and is up to date on meds. Ask your friends who they have as doctors and if they like them. A great doctor is your best chance for survival, bottom line.
- Stop worrying about what you can not change. Now this I am still working on since I worry about everything. But I know in my heart, if I can not change it, if it really in the big sceem of things doesn't really matter, stop worrying about it now.
- The first three days after finding out this information I was so cold and chilled to the bone. I had to wrap myself in blankets. Its just fear, and by one week, the cold chills are gone for the most part.
- Say Please, Thank you, I Love You and hug as many people as will hug you. You will need these people now and later in life. You don't want them thinking you don't appreciate all they are doing.
- Think long and hard before you tell anyone about your new status. Once you tell someone you can not be certain that person will not tell someone else.
- Reach out and take any help or information you can get. You can always look at it now or think about it later, but knowledge is power. If you get to a point where you get internet overload as I did, walk away, you can come back to it later if you choose.
- Remove any negative people from your life. This might be hard, but you don't need them.
- You are not alone. In one week I have seen the generosity of many people. Go on line, search the web, there are so many resources available, just don't overload in the beginning.
- Its OK to cry. Its OK to just want to curl in a ball in your bed. Its OK to feel guilty, angry, denial, and feel like your head is going to explode. Take deep breaths and get through each moment one by one.
- Ask questions. If you have a question find out who can give you an answer and search it out.
- Be good to your partner if you have one. Remember he/she has so many things going through their head also and need hugs also.
- Although talking with your partner is great and helpful, just being near each other in silence can be just as comforting. A simple touch of the shoulder or hand can mean the world. Just being in the same room sometimes is enough to help get through the day or night.

As I said above. You might find some of this helpful, maybe not. I will continue to put out there my feelings, information, and anything else I can to help and be there for you. I have learned so much and will add to this blog.

January 14, 2009 Wednesday

Today I woke up feeling pretty good. In fact I haven't cryed yet and I've been up for 3 hours now. Its so cold outside here in Wisconsin, 5 degree high today, that I thought it would be a great day to start making this blog. So everything before this day is from my notes.
Tonight if the meeting is still on because of the extreme cold I go with my friend Paul to my first meeting with HIV+ people. I am very much looking forward to this. I will let you know how it goes.
I also need to tell anyone that it was one week ago today I found out the information that I was HIV+. I thought my world was comming to an end. Friends told me each day would get better. One week later I can tell you life is not great, but it is much better than it was one week ago.

January 13, 2009 Tuesday

Met with a case worker today at ARCW. Tony went with me. She has avenues and information I may need in the future when it comes to counceling, financial advice, etc. I meet again with her next Thursday.

I also today requested my medical records for my complete history. See I know I have been tested many times in the past so in my mind I need to get a handle on how this could all happen. Not to blame anyone. But I just need to know. I had many surgeries from 1992-1995 and I could have sworn I had HIV tests. I will let you know what I find out when the records come to my door.

January 12, 2009 Monday

Actually didn't start crying till I was up and awake for about a half hour. Trust me, thats an improvement.
Got a call for a second interview for a position I applied for prior to all this mess. The interview is for this Friday January 16, 2009. I have not been working since August when I lost my job. I had been looking for a new job since then. Not sure if this is the right time to start a new job but I have to keep moving forward and not shutting doors at this time. Just one more thing to throw into the mix of all the stuff that goes through your head all day every day.

January 11, 2009 Sunday

Tony and I spent most of the day in bed watching TV and DVDs with our dogs. We have four dogs, everything from small terriers to even a pitbull we rescued 4 years ago. We all snuggled most of the day which was a good thing cause here in Wisconsin it was a very cold day.
Little less crying today, but still there are times you just break down.

January 10, 2009 Saturday

Today is Saturday. Somehow I have made it through the last few days. I must admit I spent those days walking from room to room crying, crawling in bed, crying, and more crying.
Tony and I have spent more time hugging at night and watching TV in bed before retiring and that has been a great comfort to me.
We had to go to a family event for dinner this night. As of this point I just didn't have any desire to go out in public much less put on a happy face for anyone. We went with the understanding we would stay a short time and leave at any moment if needed. I made it through the event for about an hour and a half till I just had to go, had to get out of there, just needed to get home with my Tony and dogs. I did end up breaking the bad news to Tony's sister in law since she is a nurse, she will keep the news to herself, but most importantly hopefully have medical information I may need to tap into in the future.

January 8, 2009 Thursday

Today I met with my new Doctor who specializes in HIV. Tony went with me for support and waited in the waiting room as I spoke to my new doctor for the first time. Once the tears stopped he explained to me that I should stop crying because HIV is no longer a death sentence.
He checked me over and sent me down to the lab for more extensive blood tests. I think I counted 17 viles they had to fill. I never liked needles, but I guess I better get used to them.
I was given a prescription for Fluconazle 200mg for the mouth fungus and Zanax for the anxiety.
Thank god for the Zanax because they sure have helped me get through these last few days.
I will get my results from the blood tests on Thursday January 22, 2009. The waiting is killing me but I do realize at that point I will know a lot more information on my body's condition and knowledge is key.

I called a friend I have known for over 25 years who I suspected was HIV+ and asked if we could meet and talk. He was a true friend and came over that night and answered my questions but most of all, assured me I was not alone. He told me of some groups that meet and tonight (January 14, 2009) I will be going with him for my first meeting. This group also meets on Fridays for lunch with spouces for a happy lunch. I am told and believe I will need these contacts to help me get through this.

I have also told another long time friend and my tenants upstairs but thats it. I was told it is better to hold back because once 'its' out there it can't be taken back.

January 7, 2009 Wednesday

Today my doctor told me I had to come in and get the results from my recent blood test. I was scared to death since I was told the results could not be given over the phone. I knew that the news would probably not be good. I had a sore in my nose that just wasn't healing and white patches in my mouth and tonque.

The nurse walked in and immediately told me the news: My test results came back HIV+.

Anyone who has ever heard earth shattering news like this knows the range of emotions that you go through. First I thought the test results can't be mine, or there was some mistake. Then I thought of the fact of dieing. Then how will I tell my partner of 20 years and on and on the questions pound your head.

I went home and called the other half who came right home from work. He walked in the door and said nothing, just walked over and gave me the biggest and most needed hug I can remember. We both cryed. Were silent for quite some time. And cryed more. My partner Tony said 'we will get through this together'. They were the words I needed to hear.

We sat silent for a while till I told him it was OK for him to go back to work if he needed to since I had doctors to contact and a friend or two I needed to call for mental support. As important as it is to have a partner to help, friends outside the house can be of great comfort much less information.

I am writing this blog not only for my own sanity at this point but also to reach out to anyone who finds themselves in a simular situation and feels they are the only one feeling what they are feeling. I will try to keep up daily with appointments and what is going on in my head. Feel free to contact me at if I can help in any way.