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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

August 26, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

Last week Friday I had an ultra sound on my gallbladder and other things around the stomach area looking for stones or anything out of the ordinary.  Found nothing.  Good news but not good news since I have having such stomach problems.

Since Friday I have spent every night waking up by 1 AM and sweat buckets until I get up around 4 AM to clear my bowels and take a hit of pot to stop the sweating and relax my body.  I am dripping wet when I get out of bed.  It reminds me of prior to finding out I was HIV.  This morning was no exception and I sweat from about 1AM to 4AM when I got up to get ready to go to the hospital for my Cystoscopy.

Monday I called my doctor and insisted on a stool culture to see if there was anything bad in my poop since it is the green and the consistency of cement.  Finally got an order and took it in at 2 PM.  Was called the next day and told nothing in my stool including Giardia which I have had in the past.

Today Tony dropped me off at the hospital at 6:15 AM.  Checked in and went to the 4th floor where the Cystoscopy is performed.   Was not happy when they told me I could not have a valium like I had thought I was getting.  Was told it would be in my IV.  Hell, I needed something to calm me down now.   At 7 AM the nurse came in to put in my IV.  She could not find a vein the first time.  WTF?   Second time now.   She finally had to clean me up and try again.  Around 7:20 AM they wheeled me into the room where the procedure is performed.   I do remember most of the procedure and was told it is because I was not put under as much as the Colonoscopy or Tooth being pulled.  I remember them injecting the numbing stuff and it stung like a mother fucker for 10 seconds.  Shortly then after I could tell the doctor was inserting the scope because it hurt a bit.  Once in I do not remember any pain.  I do also remember looking up at the screen when the camera was in my bladder.  The whole thing was over very fast.  Was told by the nurse I was one of the most chatty patients she has had and that I talked during the entire procedure asking questions and stuff.  Was told my prostate is enlarged and we will have to address it but no real problem that would explain why I have so much pain or bloating or stomach problems, or pain in my prostate area.  Wheeled me back to the room and soon it was time to pee.  I knew there would be pain but was more startled by the blood that came out prior to peeing.  I just grabbed the thing and blood started dripping out.  Not a happy sight to see blood dripping from my junk.  Got through the pee even though it stung.  Tony picked me up at the main doors of the hospital about 9 AM.  We stopped at McDonalds for a bacon egg and cheese bagel and headed home.   Have peed once since home and burned and bleed.  Have to pee again soon and not looking forward to it.

I do have follow up appointments next week with the GI doctor and have called and left a message to see the doctor who did the Cystoscopy today for what to do about my prostate.  That will be another appointment.  I am getting frustrated but we keep ruling things out.  I just wish someone could find the problem.  I honest think the stomach problems are due to the diagnosis of Severe Diverticulosis.  That will hopefully be addressed next week when I see the GI doctor.  This up all night dripping wet and having to change the bedding daily is ridiculous.  No matter what I eat, whether I eat or not, whether it is food or water, anything I do gives me bloating and stomach cramping.

Tonight we have the funeral for our Uncle Tom that die last week.  He was 89 and had a good life.  The end could and should have been quicker.  Time to go pee.  Wish me luck.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

August 20, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

Had a CT Scan with and without contrast done on Monday.  It was not as bad as I had remembered in the past.  I think it was best to tell the person performing the test about my fear of that 'hot' feeling when they inject the contrast because he told me he injected it slower and honestly the feeling was not that bad.  So I guess they can make it not as bad if they choose.  Was told to call the doctor on Tuesday for the results.  Called and left a message with no return call.  Wednesday afternoon I called the doctor again and left a message for the nurse about finding out my results and if I will be having the Cystoscopy on Friday.  No return call.  Today I got out of bed at 6 AM sweating bullets and went to Walgreens and bought Irritable Bowel medicine because of the cramping and sweating.  This afternoon I left a more heated message with the doctor saying I still have not heard from anyone about my CT scan much less if I am having the Cystoscopy tomorrow.  A bit ago I got the return call from the nurse saying 'didn't you get the results mailed'.  "NO', I said.  She went on to tell me I have a kidney stone that is 'just sitting there' and does not need to be addressed, I also have a dialation of the Gallbladder, and Diverticulosis.  I was told we still need to do the Cystoscopy but will now have to do it next week since tomorrow is not an option for the scheduler.  I also was told to call a GI specialist and given a referral.  I called the GI doctor and told them everything my Urologist told me and that I need to see him ASAP.  The doctors nurse argued with me about why I need to see him.  WTF?  I finally about broke down and said 'listen, I am just doing what I was told by Dr S's office'.  So the GI scheduler / nurse said she would call my Urologist / Dr Sandock and find out what or why I need to see the GI doctor.  What a bunch of bullshit.  All this and I am still in pain.  I do not want the Cystoscopy but have no choice since I still have pain.  So I am most likely going to have the Cystoscopy Wednesday morning, early, like at 7 AM.   That should be interesting.  My morning are bad enough.  Figured WTF might as well do it early and get it over right?  This all is getting overwhelming to me.  I did read a bit about Diverticulosis and will keep taking the irritable bowel meds as well as more fiber.  Just drank a big glass of water with two tbs of fiber powder.  Will go tomorrow and buy a pill or something.  Don't like the drinking powder and have little left. 

Just got a call from the GI doctor nurse saying she wants me to get a ultrasound of my gallbladder tomorrow to rule out stones.  Asked if the CT scan would show that and she said no.  No food up to the ultrasound at 1 PM.  Not going to like no food but I can do it. 

So that is where I stand.  Still trying to figure out why I have pain in my prostate area. 

I did go for a nice walk along the river trails today.  Has been a long time and I needed the time to clear my head.  Going to post and log off to clear my head.  Will keep you posted on the tests as they get performed and results are known.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

August 11, 2015 Tuesday Dinner Time

After feeling like crap for the last few days ... tired, bloated, the scheduler for the Urologist called me today to tell me they scheduled a CT Scan for Monday and the Cystoscopy the Friday after if nothing is found in the CT scans.   Both CT scans will be done, the one where you drink the liquid and the injectable dye.  I have had both test a while back and I am not looking forward to the one with the injectable dye.  I hate the hot flash feeling you get and feel like your going to die. It only lasts for about a minute, but it is a long minute.  The scheduler did put me at ease about he Cystoscopy because she assured me I would be in a twilight state and not remember a thing.  When I told her I had watched several videos of the procedure she said they tell people not to.  I actually would rather know what is going to happen rather then be surprised.  I don't mind when people tell me the end of a movie because it helps me then follow the plot to the end.  So, by next Tuesday night I should know more about this bloating.  If I don't get a good answer I will have to go through with the Cystoscopy the following Friday.  I am relieved to know I will be slightly under for the Cystoscopy.  I had my colonoscopy and a tooth pulled that way and would do it again.  If I didn't remember a tooth being pulled I am not going to remember them shoving a camera up my penis.  Oh man, just the thought makes me close my legs.

Spent a lot of the day in bed or on the couch.  I did have to get up when the refrigerator repair guy called to say he would be here to replace the door in a half hour.  Guess someone forgot to call me and let me know.  I figured at that point best to get it over with since I had not heard when the medical tests would be at that time.  The refrigerator door got attached but I was told if I call him back in two days and complain about the ice machine and dispenser, which is a problem on this model, he will put me down for getting a new refrigerator.  So I will go that route because I hate the ice dispenser and always more ice falls on the floor than in any glass.

Had an English muffin and some crackers all day today.  Anything I eat or drink makes me bloat.  If I can get myself together for an hour or so I am going to go with Tony to a car show at a local Mc Donald's so I don't have to cook tonight.  Actually can't wait to go to bed tonight and since I was not able to get a nap today I should sleep good. 

So, life still sucks but answers hopefully are coming in the next week or so.  Lets hope.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

August 6, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

Finally saw my Urologist today.  Was told I need to schedule a Cystoscopy.  I am not happy and scared to death.  I have not yet made the appointment.  I know I have to.  If anyone has had this scope done please let me know if it is as painful as I am thinking.  Jeez, who gets a scope and camera shoved up their penis?  I watched a video on the Internet and have read many people's stories of their Cystoscopy's.  Experiences range from 'piece of cake' to 'painful as hell'.  I am thinking it has a lot to do with what doctor is doing the procedure.  My doctor has been around for a long long time and considered one of the best.  He did tell me when I asked if it would be painful something like 'I am the pain free doctor'.   I know I am being a big baby and many have it worse.   But this is happening to me.  I keep looking at the phone number but can't bring myself to make the appointment.  The doctor didn't even examine me.  Just listened to what I said.  I think I might also be having a CT scan on that area also since I said my HIV doctor suggested it.  Will find out if I am having both when I finally put on my big boy pants and make the damn appointment.  I did ask to be put as under as possible.  He said he would relax me as much as possible and I wont remember a thing.  Yah right.  Help! anyone had this?

Life since I posted has been up and down.  A good day here, a not so good day there.  Made the mistake of eating some Kettle Popcorn I bought at a festival Saturday only to spend the next few days with bloating and gas.  I still am gassy.  Guess no more popcorn.  When I told the Urologist of this he said that is an entirely different problem.  Jeez.   I did go for a walk down along the river today to clear my head.  It does help.  Asked for a sign from my spirit guide and did not get it.  Was hoping for a sign telling me to make the damn Cystoscopy appointment. 

I did read the response from the last post about seeing another HIV doctor.  I am seriously considering it, but honestly he is the best HIV doctor in Milwaukee.  Maybe the Cystoscopy will find a problem and we can get this solved why I feel like crap every morning for two hours. 

The dogs are doing great. 

This past Tuesday night Tony and I went out for dinner and took Bo with us.  We ate at a restaurant a block away sitting outside.  I had the chicken sandwich, Tony had the steak sandwich.  About half way through dinner Tony stopped talking and had this glassy look on his face.  I asked him if he was choking and got no response,  I then asked again and when I got no response I jumped up, ran behind him, just as he stood up, and gave him the Heimlich maneuver.  On the second push a big piece of steak came flying out.  WTF?  That kinda put a damper on dinner and we took home the rest of our food.  We were the only ones sitting outside and no one else saw this or was there to help.  I was so glad everything I knew from videos and stuff kicked in when I saw him with 'that look' on his face.  I keep teasing him now that his life is mine from this point forward.  LOL. 

Going out for dinner again tonight.  The weather has been finally cool enough, in the 70s, to do things outside.  It was in the 80s for the past 19 days.  Too hot for me.  I decided no cooking this week and we would eat at restaurants outside.  Tonight we will get some 1/2 lb hamburgers for $5.

Going to end this post.  Anyone with knowledge on the Cystoscopy please contact me on here or at my email djones2659@live.com with the header Cystoscopy. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

July 22, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

Saw my HIV doctor today and got my latest blood results.  My TCell count has gone down a bit but that could be very well due to the Prostate infection I have and had at the time.  My percent of good cells is about the same.  I am undetectable which is the goal.  Doctor is very happy with my blood work but was not happy with my Prostate problem and how it has progressed.  I explained how my day starts to my HIV doctor like this:

I wake up around 5:30 AM when the other half rolls out of bed.  I then lay in bed for about and hour sweating like crazy with cold chills until I can no longer be in bed.  At 6:30 I then get up dripping wet to feed the dogs.  As I am feeding the dogs I am usually throwing up or gagging into the sink to get the bile out that makes me feel like throwing up for the first two hours of my morning.  I get the dogs fed just in time to run to the toilet for an explosive bowel movement.  I can not even have a sip of coffee for the first hour due to the feeling of throwing up.  I also explained that if I have one good day like I had yesterday, I then pay the price like I am today, tired, feeling like crap, and just want to be in bed.  He was not concerned since he has seen worse and said we had talked about this before.  All part of being HIV and AIDS.  He did think we need to address the Prostate issue and asked me to call my Prostate doctor to get a CT scan and then an appointment with the actual doctor, not just his nurse.  My Prostate doctor reminds my of the Wizard Of OZ.  I have never seen him, only his nurse.  Not sure what you have to do to actually see the doctor.  I did just leave a message with the nurse requesting a CT scan and an appointment after with the doctor for the results.  I also for the past week have felt gassy.  Horrible gassy.  I have been eating about 12 gas x's a day during the course of the day.  My HIV doctor seems to think the tiredness and stomach problems might all tie into the Prostate and we need to get the infection under control.  So now I wait for the nurse to call and most likely tell me something different.  At that point I am not sure what I will do because I am very uncomfortable between the gas and the pain.

As I mentioned earlier, yesterday was a good day.  I got through the first hours and then was able to do 2 miles on the treadmill.  I walked Casper and Bo around the block early morning.  I made grilled cheese sandwiches for Tony when he came home with Rose for lunch and then went for a nice walk in the river trails.  Didn't even take a nap.  I was sleeping by 9 PM exhausted.   So now today I pay the price of doing all that.  One good day, one bad day seems to be my life story lately.

Wish I felt better because we do have a busy weekend coming up with block parties and bike races throughout the neighborhood.  Also a big air show that we can see since we are so close to the lake front where the show is held. 

So there it is.  The HIV meds are keeping me alive, but my body feels like it is giving out.  My Prostate is as bad or worse and I have no clue where I go from here.

Friday, July 17, 2015

July 17, 2015 Friday Morning

Thank you for the positive comment regarding the book Final Exit.  Like I said in the post I am not planning on going anywhere any time soon.  I have five dogs and Tony that need me.

It has not been a good week at all.  Monday I took my last of two months antibiotic for my prostate infection that refuses to go away.  I figured since I thought I had an appointment with my HIV doctor of Wednesday I would see what he has to say before I called back my Prostate doctor.  By Wednesday morning the pain was getting worse and now I was feeling very gassy.  Went grocery shopping Wednesday morning.  Drove quite a distance to my HIV doctor Wednesday afternoon to find out the appointment had been switched months ago to next Wednesday.  When I got home I confirmed I had changed it on one calendar but not the other, which I use to keep up with appointments.  (another one to add to my memory problems)   So I drove home feeling tired, bloated, defeated, and in need of meds for the prostate.  I left a message with my Prostate doctor that I either needed another refill for a month or need to come in and see the doctor.  I half hour after being home I went to the refrigerator for a cherry I had bought earlier to see they are not in the frig.  Started thinking the bags felt light.  I then thankfully still had the receipt to notice about 10 items missing.  Thinking back I then remembered watching the checker bag some items and send the rest down the belt for me to bag.  Everything I bagged I had, everything he bagged he never gave me.  So I then now had to call Pick N Save and have them confirm they had my groceries and come in and get them.  Though, they were put back so I would have to basically shop again.  Drove to the store a second time and got the groceries.  By this time I would in pain, exhausted, and mad as hell.   Called the HIV pharmacy to see if they could get me refills on the antibiotic and anti inflammatory. 

Thursday I spent most of the day in bed.  Tired and just feel like crap.  Pain in my prostate is a 3 on a scale to 10.  Gas is still a problem if I eat, so I guess the diet starts now.  Around 4 PM I called the HIV clinic to see if they got a refill request from my doctor.  When they told me no, I then called the doctor and left a message again asking for refills or an appointment.  A bit later the doctor called to say she faxed the prescriptions yesterday and if in a month not better I would need to come see the doctor.  When I called the HIV clinic to say they must have the fax / prescription refill they kept saying they didn't.  After being put on hold three times they finally found the fax.  WTF?  So I then drove downtown to get the prescriptions and give them a piece of my mind.  I get home with the prescriptions to notice the anti inflammatory says 60 pills and is circled to verify yet there are only 30 pills in the bottle. WTF?  Can this week get any worse?  I then had to call the HIV clinic to find out when I would get the rest of my meds and find out who fucked this up.  I ask for the manager to call me since I have many issues every month with this pharmacy.  From prescription not ready when I get there called in days ahead, to missing pills twice now, to no one ever answering the phone, to faxes not getting addressed and prescription filled .... I have a bone to pick with the ARCW pharmacy.   How can a fax from a doctor sit in limbo for over 24 hours and be told it is not there three times when it is?  Then the wrong amount of pills given out?  Honestly by last night going to bed I could feel the gas coming out and feeling a bit better from the meds again.  I pray this goes away since my next course is a scope up the penis which scares the hell out of me.

Today I woke up feeling like crap and tired.  Pushed myself to do a mile and 3/4 on the treadmill.  It is going to be close to 90 degrees today so I do not know if Tony will join us for lunch since he will be stinky.  Just being honest.  He works outside in this heat if not in the office.  After lunch I will most likely take a nice long nap.  Too hot to do anything outside.  Tonight we see the play Bent which I am looking forward to .  Plan on bringing tissue since I cry at plays like this theme. 

This weekend and into next week looks too hot outside for me.  Will have to think of indoor projects.

Monday, July 13, 2015

July 13, 2015 Monday Afternoon

Summer has finally arrived in Milwaukee.  The past week we have had very Summer like temperatures for a change.  Has been a very cool Summer up until the past week.  Today it is very hot out and I got the little work outside done early so not to be out in the hot humid heat. 

The past weekend was very busy.  Last Thursday started Bastille Days and we went to the festival Thursday and again Friday night.  Both nights we did not stay long but it was nice to get out and not have to cook dinner.  Saturday we had the yearly family pool party for Tony's side of the family the weather was cool on Saturday but we went swimming anyway since it is the one time a year we most likely get to go swimming because someone we know has a pool.  Had a good time at the family event as usual.  Sunday we went to a car show around noon at another festival and then spent the rest of the day at home due to the heat. 

My prostate is still feeling a bit of pain.  I did take the last of my two month antibiotic today.  Someone asked my PSA level.  I don't know the number off the top of my head but do know it has been checked regularly due to my dad having cancer and is within normal range.  I see my HIV doctor this Wednesday and will address the problem with him.  I also was talking with the guys in our Friday lunch and was told I should start taking Florajen 3, a high potency probiotic dietary supplement, due to taking an antibiotic for over two months.  Was told my stomach problems and pain might be more due to my taking antibiotics for so long.  Worth a try and bought a bottle and started taking last Friday.  Will hopefully know soon if it will help.  It has already changed my morning bowels.

Was very tired again today.  Could be from doing a lot over the weekend or the fact we were up early listening to Vito bark and growl at the thunder and lightning that started by 4 AM this morning.  Actually went back to bed for another hour after Tony left for work this morning.  Forced myself not to take a nap this afternoon so I sleep good tonight. 

Not a lot on my schedule this week other than my Wednesday HIV doctor appointment and picking up my prescriptions and food at the pantry at the HIV clinic.  I did buy tickets online this morning for a play at a small theater, called Bent.  From reading the play it does not sound like a happy play but Tony mentioned before he left for work that he read about it in the newspaper this morning and would like to see it.  Got tickets for this Friday nights performance.  It is a very small group theater which I do enjoy just as much as the big productions. 

Dogs are all doing great.  Had to take Rose and Casper to the vet last week to update their Rabies shots and have Casper's ear infection in his left ear this time checked.  Have a feeling we are going to have chronic ear problems with Casper.  Rose still loves going to work and walks with her Uncle Tom.  Yesterday we were walking Rose, Casper and Bo around the block and Tom pulled up in his truck.  Rose went crazy and Tom walked with us around the block, Rose at his side.  She loves her Uncle Tom.  Kali sleeps a lot and Vito just seems to keep going even though he is blind and diabetic. 

Finished the book Final Exit.  I did enjoy it and learned a lot about ending one's life someday.  Don't worry, I am not planning on it any time soon but do want an exit strategy if I get very sick someday.

Mom should call soon for our 4 PM Monday talking on the phone.  I usually have to write a list or I forget to tell her things and then remember when we get off the phone.

Will post my new blood count numbers when I get them this Wednesday. 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

July 2, 2015 Thursday Dinner Time

Tony is in the shower so I though I would quickly do a post.

Once again I am so shocked so much time has gone by since my last post.  It has been a very exciting time with the recent supreme court ruling, especially the one making gay marriage legal in all 50 states.  As of this post it looks like there are only a handful of counties in a couple states holding out.  They can not hold out forever.  I can honestly say I could never have imagined this day that gay marriage is legal in the USA.

Got my blood withdrawn the other day for my 6 month check.  I go to my HIV doctor in a couple weeks and will get the results.  I feel pretty good except for the pain I still have in my prostate area.  I am almost at the end of my two months on antibiotics and anti inflammatory for it.  I am scared to death to call the doctor because I know the next thing will be a scope up the penis.  If anyone reading this has had the procedure please let me know if it is as painful as I am imagining.  The pain is on the level of about a 3 on a 1 to 10 scale.  Sometimes I have no pain and sometimes I get a shooting pain down to my balls and up to my belly button.  I know I should not be waiting on this and give plenty of advice to everyone else.  I wish I was not such a baby myself when it comes to medical procedures.  I hate pain.  I know, no one does, but I really am scared to death of this next procedure.  I will call my doctor when the meds are gone if there is still pain.

Went to a couple bar parties over last weekend after the supreme court decision making gay marriage legal.  It was a big celebration and I was in tears many times throughout the weekend.  Like I said before, never in my lifetime. 

The dogs are doing great.  Rose is still happy and ready to go to work with Tony each morning and by noon we figure out a way to get her home, either I go get her or Tony brings her home.  I still have been doing two miles on the treadmill daily with Casper and Bo enjoying butcher bones in the basement with me.  I hope the treadmill makes a difference on this blood test with my cholesterol levels.  I also take Bo and Casper around the block for a walk each morning prior to Rose coming home.  The last few weeks I now take my blind dog Vito for a short walk in the alley also after walking Bo and Casper.  I did it one day a couple weeks ago and now every time we come home from Bo and Casper walk, Vito is dancing in the kitchen wanting to go for one also.  He cant see anything but still enjoys peeing on things and sniffing the air outside.  He will be 12 this August and is also diabetic.  I also go for my walks around the river every few days.  I don't go as often as I did last Summer but still at least twice a week.  I also make a point to walk to the grocery store four long blocks away rather than driving.  I keep telling myself walking kept my grandma alive to live to 98.

Tonight we are meeting a high school friend of Tony's that lives here in the neighborhood.  Meeting for supper and a drink at a local pub a few blocks away.  Half price hamburgers tonight.

The weather in Milwaukee has been a bit colder than normal.  It was only in the 50s today due to the wind off Lake Michigan.  We have had a colder than normal Spring and Summer so far.  I don't mind the 50s or 60s.   In fact I have quite enjoyed the Summer so far.  If I had a pool in the back yard I would most likely feel different.

Happy Fourth of July to all who follow.  I hope to post more often.  Always happy to see comments.

Friday, June 12, 2015

June 12, 2015 Friday Morning

It has been a couple weeks so I thought I would check in and let you know how life has been.

Last weekend was Pridefest here in Milwaukee.  The weather could have been better but glad it was last weekend and not this.  Going to ran this weekend and be cold.  Last weekend it got to the 70s but the wind came off Lake Michigan and the festival grounds are right on the lake front.  Friday night we got to the festival around 7 PM to meet some friends.  Had a good night but left around 11 PM because even with a hat and gloves we were freezing.  Wind off the lake made it feel in the 40s, the temperature of the water.  Saturday afternoon we were at the festival from about 1 PM to 4 PM and then went back for a couple hours from 7 PM to 9 PM.  By 9 PM it was again getting very cold and we were tired and had enough.  We were lucky enough to get some free tickets so we saved the $16 ticket fee each time we entered.  Saved $64 because of the free tickets.  The festival is only a couple miles from our home since we are near downtown Milwaukee.  Sunday afternoon we spent a couple hours watching the parade and then went home exhausted from the weekend.  I am getting old.

My prostate infection is still not gone so I decided to refill my antibiotic and the anti inflammatory for another month cycle.  Was not willing to pay the $81 for the antibiotic like I did the first time and inquired about a cheaper alternative.  Got a prescription for Doxycycline Mono instead of the Doxycycline Hyclate.  For some reason they are much the same but only $12.99 for the Mono one.
So I finally got the doctor to call that prescription into the pharmacy and picked up my monthly HIV meds and food at the AIDS clinic on Wednesday.

Thursday (yesterday) I had a repair guy come to fix the ice dispenser on the refrigerator.  Got a card in the mail the other day that our warranty was expiring on the refrigerator we bought five years ago.  Forgot I bought the extended warranty and gave them a call to see if the repair was covered.  Since it was I had the repair guy come to the house.  The repair guy came and even with all the parts he realized it is a problem with the door and a entire new door was ordered.  Was told we might even get a call saying we will have to get a new replacement frig if a door is not in stock or more expensive then what we paid for the whole frig.  Sad that one door can be more than an entire fridge.  Have another appointment set for next Thursday if the repair is still happening.

The dogs are all doing great.  I still look at them and say I am the luckiest dog dad in the world.
Tony still takes Rose to work each morning and we figure out how she will get home either by me picking her up at Tony's shop or him driving her home.  While they are gone I walk my treadmill and give Bo and Casper butcher bones in the basement with me to chew on.  We then go for a walk around the block.  I recently started taking Vito then and then Kali for separate walks.  Vito is blind but love the smells.  Kali is old so we walk very slow.  When I get back from walking Bo and Casper, Vito and Kali now want a walk also.  I need the exercise and do love watching the dogs happy.

I have been keeping busy around the house.  Since I am happy to be home and feel most comfortable here I have the house just how I want it for the Summer.  Flowers are planted and the yard looks good.  I will just have to keep up with the weeding over the next few months.  I miss the pond but am happy I took it down because it has been nice to have one less thing to do each day or one less thing to worry about. 

I still get up by 6:30 AM to feed the dogs and give Vito his shot and end up needing a couple hour nap usually between 1 and 3 PM.  Then I start my day over again with a cup of coffee until I go to bed by 10 PM.  If I don't take a nap the next day seems very hard to get through.

Got an email today from someone who found my blog.  Always happy to help in any way I can and is the reason I started this blog.  I can be emailed any time.  I put myself out here so if my life and the life I live with HIV and AIDS can help anyone, I am happy to help.  I have learned that there is no cure for HIV and AIDS and if anyone tells you they have a cure they are lying.  I also have learned that if you do not take your HIV meds you will get AIDS and die.  That might sound harsh but it is true.  Your body will eventually not be able to fight the disease and you will get infections and die.  I am old enough to remember seeing my fiends in their final stages of AIDS before they died and know how horrible that can be.  Please take your HIV meds if prescribed. 

 

Thursday, May 28, 2015

May 28, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

I can not believe my next post will most likely be in June.  Where does the time go?

Summer is finally here in Milwaukee.  The windows are open and in the 70s.  Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  On Sunday we drove down to Shorewood Illinois to visit Tony's sister and her family.  I wanted to see their dog Little Buddy who I missed.  The dog and I have a special connection and always have.  The dog spent the four hours we were there by my side.  Had a very nice afternoon and will miss my Little Buddy.  It will most likely be the last time I see him since he is advancing in age and we don't get down to their home very often.  It will be a very sad day when I hear he is no longer alive.   Was nice to spend time with the nephews and niece as well as the sister and her husband. I did not enjoy the two hour drive down to their home and the two hour drive back.  Hate the tolls you have to pay every few miles.  Used our navigation system for the first time and learned just how wrong it was the entire drive down and back.


Been keeping busy doing things around the house and making sure we are ready for the Summer.  Did a little painting of a molding outside that needed to be scrapped and then painted.  Keeping up with the weeds is the main work since we have no grass and have graveled our entire yard.  Low or no maintenance was our goal.

Went for a nice walk along the river trails today.  Walked past this one guy that was very scary.  First time I felt a little afraid in the trails.  Tall younger guy that looked like a psycho skin head redneck terrorist.  As he walked past me with his large German Shepard dog he kicked the tree.  It took me back a bit.  As he kept walking he was talking to himself.  Then he started yelling across the river to the group of kids playing using racial slurs.  I felt sorry for the kids.  They were just playing and this redneck starts calling them the 'N' word and more.  I felt most sorry for his dog too.  Hope he treats it well. 

Tonight we will go out to a restaurant here in the neighborhood for half price hamburgers.  I have the Riverwest burger.  Hamburger with bacon and cheese.  Yum.  Looking forward to it. 

I still find myself thinking of death and dying and then I feel depressed.  If I push the thoughts out of my head I get through the day, but feel like they are just there under the surface.  I sometimes walk the house at night and look around thinking 'someday I will no longer be living here', 'someday I will be dead'.  It is really hard for me to comprehend that some day I will be dead.  I hope I remember that I honestly had a good life with Tony and the dogs.  Do any of my followers have these thoughts?

Speaking of the dogs, they are doing great.  Casper's ear infection is almost gone.  My prostate infection is also almost gone which makes me very happy.  I am only half way through the one month antibiotic.  It usually takes me two months or a double dose to get an infection out of me.

Hope everyone is enjoying the Summer so far.

Friday, May 15, 2015

May 15, 2015 Friday Morning

Was back at my Urologist Doctor today for my Prostate pain.  I did go to my regular doctor a little over two weeks ago and she put my on Cypro.   I knew when she put me on that antibiotic that it was not going to work.  Remember going to the Urologist years ago for this problem and he talk to me about the Prostate and put me on Doxazosin and Naproxen for the Prostate infection pain and swelling.  Earlier this week I did refill my two week supply of Cypro only to have more pain by the end of this week.  So yesterday I went through my blog all the way back to November 2011 to find out what doctor and what he gave me for this infection.  Have to say I was glad I kept this blog for that reason.  I also do keep a spreadsheet of all my illnesses.  Was surprised I had no information on this problem on that spreadsheet.  So I got an early appointment this morning with the Urologist nurse.  She did the usual urine test and blood pressure, along with the finger up the butt.  Left with a prescription of Doxazosin and Naproxen like last time with refills, knowing from the past that I was on it for two months before it worked.  Of course my insurance only paid for half and that still was $85 for the Doxazosin.   Guess it is used for a skin condition also so insurance companies hesitate to cover it.   Just glad I am moving forward and hopefully in a couple months the Prostate pain will again be gone.  Wish I knew why I get these Prostate infections.  I don't have anal sex so that it not the reason.  I am going to start drinking more water daily.  A glass every hour.  I have to now on these meds so I might as well get used to it.  Will be peeing a lot in the next few months from all the water. 

Been just laying low and doing little things around the house.  Been sleeping a lot from the infection and the fact the sun has not been out all week and it has not even gotten above 50 degrees.  Today it is finally sunny and going to get in the 70s.  Soon I will be complaining about the heat, lol. 

The dogs are all doing great.  I could not be happier.  It is coming up on one year that we rescued Rose and Casper and I am so pleased at how everyone gets along and how they have made our lives so much better.  I do take Bo and Casper for a walk around the block almost every morning while Rose is at work with Tony.  Been pretty good about doing my two miles on the thread mill also.  I just wish I had more energy but that might come with the sun and feeling better in the future as the Prostate infection heals. 

Suppose to be a great weekend this weekend.  In the 70s but rain or storms here and there.  I have no problem with storms and actually love them.  Still waiting for our first big storm of the year.  Just happy it will be warm enough this weekend to keep the windows open for a while. 

Nothing much more to say.  Life is good.  I am happy to stay home with the dogs daily and just enjoy the simple life. 

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

May 5, 2015 Tuesday Noonish

I can not believe it is May already.
 
My birthday came and went.  Tony and I went out for a nice steak dinner at a great steak house here in Milwaukee.  I have a hard time putting down $42 for a steak, but at least it came with sides.  Seems the new trend is sides you pay for separately.   I also had a $20 coupon so the bill was just over $100.  I shake my head now as I even type that.  What I could spend at the grocery store with that $100.  Although, that is getting less and less also, those that do the grocery shopping know how expensive and smaller everything is getting at the grocery store.  Anyway, the birthday was nice, just wish the years would subtract rather than add.  I am now 54 years old.  I have a hard time accepting it.



I did end up going to the doctor the middle of last week.  My illness turned into another Prostate infection.  I get these twice or more a year lately.  There is no reason I would get these infections over and over.  Of course I am now on an antibiotic again, Cypro. 

It is raining today in Milwaukee and looks to be a very cloudy drizzle filled day.  When it is cloudy like this I have a very hard time starting my brain.  Even went back to bed for an hour or so after Tony went to work this morning with Rose.  Around 11 AM I went and got Rose from work to save Tony the trip at noonish.  Since it was raining it was not like she was going to go for any walks with her Uncle Tom.  At home she has her son and doggie friends.  

This week all the dogs get their nail trims.  Kali went to the vet late yesterday afternoon for a nail trim and anal cleaning.  Bo goes today at 2:30 PM.  Vito on Wednesday at 4 PM.  Rose and Casper this Saturday morning.  Between the vet bills and the Walmart shopping I did yesterday this is turning out to be an expensive week.   Walmart is $75 for the Insulin and syringes alone.  Then another $250 on household items we use.  Thankfully I only go ever few months for Vito's Insulin. 

Up until today the weather here in Milwaukee has been getting .... Summer like.  It was even in the 70s this weekend.  Today it is in the high 40's and then in two days we go back up to 80 degrees.  This time of year Lake Michigan makes a big difference on our weather depending on what way the wind is blowing.  Summer will be here soon enough.  I have gotten most of the work outside I wanted to get done for this Summer already.  I get it done now because later in the Summer it just is too hot for me to work in the yard.  So I get the yard looking nice now so I can spend the rest of the Summer maintaining it and enjoying it.  Glad the pond is gone.  I do miss it but less work is a good thing.  Here is a picture of Rose and Casper in the now fake pond.

 
Just looked around and all five dogs are sitting on the couches or floor ... looking at me ... like ... daddy, let's do something.  Thankfully they have bones to chew on.
 
Tony and the dogs are all doing great.  I have to admit I find myself saying 'I am the luckiest guy in the world' many times a day.  As long as I keep my head out of 'dark' thoughts of death and dying or things I can not fix, I am happy.  I honestly still look down at Rose and Casper and smile knowing saving them was the best thing I ever did in my life.  They are both so happy and show it daily.  I have everything a guy could ask for:  OK health (mostly), a roof over my head I own, dogs that love me, a husband who loves me, and family that loves me.  What more can a guy honestly ask for?  I don't need anything else to make me happy than to just have my house, home, and dogs. 

Monday, April 20, 2015

April 20, 2015 Monday Afternoon

Feeling a little under the weather today.  Woke up this morning around 5 AM with bowel pain.  After I got the dogs fed and Tony off to work I spend most of today in bed.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my bowels hurt, and I have a 99.1 temperature.  Got up around 3:30 PM this afternoon so I would be ready to talk to my mom at 4 PM.  We talk on Monday's at 4 PM.  It does not help that it is cloudy and cold here in Milwaukee.  It is only 41 degrees and feels very damp outside.  I will make Tony a quick salad and TV dinner for supper.  I will have a piece of toast or something and go to bed early, or at least watch TV in bed tonight before going to bed.  So tired I could go to bed now.  This is the part of HIV I hate.  One day you feel fine, the next day another illness. 

Late last week I notice Casper was experiencing pain near his nose.  If we bumped him or he bumped us he would cry in pain.  Took him to the vet Saturday morning to find out he has a half missing / chipped front tooth.  Would totally explain the pain on his nose.  So tomorrow I have to have Casper at the vet at 7:30 AM so they can put him under and pull the tooth.  The vet said it should be quick and under for very short time.  Because of this I will most likely be picking him up around noon.  He will wake up, me not there, and cry.  The minute the vet calls I will go get him and spend the rest of the day as Casper time.  He has been taking pain pills the vet gave us since Saturday and they have helped.  In fact no yelping in pain since.

The grass is getting green and the buds are finally forming on the trees.  Being near Lake Michigan we have very varied temperature swings.  Lately the wind seems all off the lake and we have only gotten above 60 degrees once or twice here by the lake.  I am glad I no longer have to tend to the pond but do miss the sound of the pumps and water when I sit outside. 

My birthday is this Thursday.  I will be 54 years old.  I have no clue where all the time goes.  I would never imagine myself this age.  Where does all the time go?  No matter if I do little or a lot all day, the day is gone in a blink.  Then another year older.  Would love to go back to my late 20s knowing what I know now.  My advice to my younger self would be:  Stop Worrying.   Wish I could take that advice now at my age.  All will be OK.  Always has worked out so ....   Stop Worrying. 

Next week I see my back doctor to have him explain my MRI results on my lower back. 

Tony is still dealing with his teeth issues.  He has no upper teeth and I can't seem to get him to look around for a cheaper dentist.  Honestly he is pissing me off with his laziness.  I can only do so much.  I did put my foot down this morning and told him I wanted to know what his next two appointments are for and how much they will cost.  The last time he said a cleaning was close to $800.  WTF?  He only has lower teeth.  Dental Associates is taking him for a ride and he just does what ever they tell him.   Times like this I just wish he cared more about money and was not so lazy.

The dogs are doing fine, other than Casper and his tooth.  It will be a year next month that we started fostering Rose and Casper.  I can not believe it has been a year.  I still smile when I look at them knowing how they came here. 

Time to log off and go back to the couch and blanket.  Hope I feel better real soon.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

April 9, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

It has been an interesting couple weeks around our house.

Rose knocked one of Tony's front teeth loose soon after the last post.  Tony went to Dental Associates and they recommended he have the other 10 upper teeth pulled.  Like a fool, he took their advice and had every upper tooth he had pulled.  Yah, WTF?  What the hell are you going to connect a partial to?  I have no clue what him or the dental office was thinking.  Moving forward then he spent a week taking pain pills and anti inflammatory medicine and not eating.  Then a week ago last Tuesday he comes home acting all drunk from work, but wont say he was drinking.  He spent the night passing in and out of throwing up.  By morning I got the story that he had a few beers at work.  From that time forward, until yesterday, he had not gone back to work due to the pain in his stomach and not being able to keep any food or liquid down.  Finally this past Monday I made him go to emergency to be told he has GERD.  GERD is when you burn out your esophagus.  He is on meds and at a specialist as I type this post.  So for the past week Tony has been home, in pain, miserable, and making my day just as miserable, lol.  Actually I do like him home but wish he would pick up after himself.  His next dental appointment for a denture fitting is April 12th.  I have no clue what he was thinking having his teeth pulled much less letting Dental Associates do it without a second opinion.  WOW.  For now we have to work on is GERD problem.

Easter we went to Tony's sisters house.  Since Tony couldn't eat due to no teeth and stomach pain I had a little food and we left within an hour and a half.  At least I got a good meal.

I have been busy doing things around the house even though the weather has not been very nice.  I took down our hot tub due to a leak that I could not fix.  Finally got Tony and his brother to help us get it out of the side porch and on a truck and out of your household.  I will miss the hot tub but not the electric bill we had when we had it running daily.  It is again in the 40s today but raining very hard.  We had our first thunder storm last night and it has been raining since.  I put an ad on Craigslist last week for my Kio fish and to find them a good home.  Was surprised how many people responded and by Saturday afternoon the fish in my pond were all gone.  I then spend since then taking down the pond and filling in the hole to make a bigger yard for the dogs.  I did go to my back doctor and also just had an MRI on my back this past Monday due to the pain I have when doing household tasks.   Most would say stop doing those tasks but who the hell is going to do them?  Tony?  No way.

This week marked one year since we had to euthanize and say goodbye to Stella.  I have to admit it has been quite a year and she would be proud of how we saved Rose and Casper in her honor.

I wish it would stop raining so I could go out an clean a rain gutter that is clogged.  Not looking like it is going to end anytime soon.

Also went to the dentist this past week for a dental cleaning.  The last appointment I had I got there to find out the appointment was canceled.  Was happy this didn't happen again. 

I am feeling OK.  I keep busy which keeps my mind off the topics that I can not control anyway like death and dying.  As long as I get my nap in the afternoon I seem to be doing OK and living a good life.  I can not imagine having to work. I am so exhausted my lunch I need a nap and then restart my day after the nap.  It is like I have two days in one.

The dogs are all doing great.  I can not imagine my life without them.

Friday, March 20, 2015

March 20, 2015 Friday Afternoon

I thought the last time a posted was about a week ago.  When I connected today I see it has been much longer.  I did delete some comments.  Please, this is not a dating site and your comments linking to a dating site will be deleted. 

The last couple weeks have gone by so fast.  Tomorrow is Tony and my one year anniversary of getting legally married.  It will also mark us being together for 26 years.  That's a long time.  We will go out for supper, in fact I made a reservation at a nice steak restaurant.  Broke down and went to my old doctor on Monday that I used to see before she left the practice she was at.  Got the meds I wanted and also a referral to a back specialist since my back is not getting any better the last few weeks getting worse.  I had back problems about 15 years ago and even had an MRI and shots.  All seemed to get better until recently and I feel it is time to revisit my back and see what my options are.  I know surgery is a last resort because my mom is still not happy with her recent back surgery.  I take pain pills for my back but I am starting to think they don't work as good and I have to find a different option before I become more dependent on them to relieve the pain.  Not sure there is an option other than surgery but that is why I went to see a specialist.  Will make the appointment hopefully next week.  I did look up the doctor online and looked over his profile.

The dogs are all doing great.  I found some pictures of the dogs I had not seen before, picture that were taken when they were surrendered from the terrible treatment they were getting.  Breaks my heart and adds more insight into why they act the way they do.  You can see more on Facebook at their site called:  Rose and Casper. 

I have been very good about still going on the treadmill at least four out of five days a week.  I do two miles on the treadmill and it takes me about 40 minutes.  I bring the dogs into the basement and let them chew on butcher bones while I walk the treadmill.  They look forward to my work out each morning for their bones.   Takes a couple days with each bone to get it chewed off and no longer wanted.  I am so happy with myself after I finish my two miles.  Some mornings I have to push myself and say 'just at least do one mile'.  I always end up doing the entire two miles and that makes me feel good. 

I have been dealing with my issues of death and dying by basically trying not to think about it.  I know it doesn't solve my issues with death and makes me feel like I am burring my head in the sand.  With that said, what more is there to deal with?  It will happen some day.   I tried to reason with my dog Casper the other day that is afraid of everything and everyone that if he stops being so afraid I will also.  Will see how that works going forward.

It did get to 50 degrees today.  I want Spring or Summer so bad.  Of course the wind shifts directions this weekend and Sunday is suppose to be below freezing and maybe snow again.  All the snow is gone from the yard and I even have the pond pump going for the fish that did survive the Winter. 

March is flying by.  Seems whether I keep busy or do nothing, time goes so fast.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

March 4, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

I can not believe it is March already.  The good thing about this is soon it might start getting warmer.  In fact after we come out of this weeks cold we should actually be in the 40s next week.  Can you just hear the excitement in me as I wrote that?  Honestly I am so sick of this Winter it will seem like a heat wave.  Just have to make it through this week.  We have not seen 40 since January.

The thought of Spring and warmer weather does so much for one's mind.  I read the comment from my last post and agree 100 percent.   I do wish I had a therapist to talk to.  I have had NO luck and talked with many throughout my 53 years.  Heck, my parents took me to one back in high school when they found out I had feelings for a teacher in school.  One of the last therapists told me he couldn't help me because I choose to be unhappy.  I don't choose this in any way.  In fact the past week I have done a lot of thinking.  Like the comment read, why worry about something that is going to happen yet I have no control over it.  This of course is easier said than done but I need to go back to my code word 'stop' when I start going down a destructive path of thinking.  I even thought about bargaining with myself and saying 'if you don't worry about death until 80, you can spent the rest of the years worrying then, if you choose'.   I think this might be my best solution.  Of course I wish I felt young with energy again and my lower back wasn't hurting like it has, but who knows what the future holds.  We did go to a funeral last Saturday for someone I knew from work.  Was sad to see his partner of 37 years hearing all the stories from all the people saying how sorry they were to hear of his loss.  I wonder how he will go on.  I guess we just find a way.

My mom broke down and cried on the phone with my this past Monday.  She had major back surgery about a month ago and is still in a lot of pain and not happy.  She even told me she wishes she did not have the surgery.  I have a bad back also and worry someday mine will give out.  This past week I have had to take a pain pill daily for the pain.  I even told Tony this past weekend after I shoveled more snow that I simply can not shovel snow anymore.  I had an MRI years ago showing my lower back was falling apart.  Even tried shots to help and the doctor couldn't get the needle between the bones. 

The dogs are doing great.  They really are my happiness.  I can look down at them and smile any time of the day.  I hate even leaving the house because they bring me the most happiness.  I did force myself to drive to the AIDS Resource Center today to get some free bread for us and the outdoor animals that I feed nightly.  I had some bread left and will have to go again next week to pick up my monthly HIV meds.  Was nice to get out of the house but I just feel so fearful of everything when I drive.  I drive like an old man, slow, both hands on the wheel. 

So now it is going on 4:30 PM and I have to decide if I am going to make salads and warm up last night's BBQ beef and mac and cheese, or go out for a cheap hamburger.  We have not gone out for Wednesday cheap hamburgers in months because of the cold.  It is still only 10 degrees outside but somehow the sound of a drink and going out sounds good. 

I am going to continue to try to improve myself in any way.  I think I need to make a lot of life changes, all scary to think about.  The first being to stop thinking about death and things I have no control over.  With a little help from the weather I might be able to do it.  I wish I could stop time.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

February 24, 2015 Tuesday Afternoon

Almost two weeks have gone by since my last post.  I feel like I wasted them.

I still am sick.  I can not seem to shake this cold.  One day I feel a bit better only to wake up the next feeling like crap.  I am tired, coughing, sinus hurts, and just feel like going to bed.  I am able to get done the bare minimum like grocery shopping, but I have done little else.  I get the cleaning around the house done, but just the bare minimum.   Leaving the house is hard to do.   It has been very very cold here in Milwaukee and I just can not bring myself to go outside unless I truly have to.   This might come down as one of the coldest February on record.   I did force myself and Tony to go to a fund raiser last Saturday night for Pit Bulls, but we only stayed an hour and a half and came home.

My thoughts of death and dying are still filling my head daily.  In fact we have a funeral of a guy I knew that we have to go to this Saturday. Guy had a heart attach.  Been with his husband for 37 years.  Things like this scare me.  If something happened to Tony how would I have the strength to go on?  How could I do it all on my own?  I know many do it alone.  I have never and do not look forward to the day one of us dies and the other has to do everything and go on with life.  I find myself thinking of the past and crying that the time has gone by so fast and is slipping so fast from my grasp each day.  No matter if I do nothing, or keep my day packed with activity, the day is gone before I know it never to come back or be able to us again.  My parents health has not gotten much better in the past two weeks.  Mom puts on a brave front but I can tell she is still in a lot of pain since her back surgery.  The dogs are all doing great.  I guess I should be happy about that.  Rose did go to work today for the morning with Tony since it was 10 degrees this morning.  I frickin heat wave lately and she had to go to get out of the house for just one day.  She has not gone to work with Tony for about two weeks now due to the cold.  The other dogs have to just wait for Summer.  I have no ambition to take a dog for a walk in this cold.  Thankfully they have the side yard.  I do have to go out daily and pick up five dogs worth of dog poop. 

I wish I had ambition.  Any ambition.  I just feel like I want to do nothing.  Is it this long Winter?  Am I in a state of depression getting worse?  I feel cold all the time.  Shiver cold.  Can't get warm cold.  I wish I could sit in a sauna for a while to warm my body until Spring gets here.  I've been in a state of funk like this before but this one seems deeper and lasting longer with no end in sight.  All this has caused pain and tightness in my shoulders.  My lower back has also been hurting and I am not sure why since I do so little.  Lately washing the dogs is out of the question because even that makes my back hurt a lot for days after.   Anyone got any suggestions on how to get out of this funk of depression?  Any books you have read?  I am trying to read the book I bought called God Is My Ketchup, but just not getting into the book.   Seems too religious to me and I am not there yet. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015

February 12, 2015 Thursday Morning

Kali made it through her dental surgery.  She had six teeth pulled.  I picked her up earlier than most dogs who have had this surgery due to the fact she was awake and ready to go.  Even the vet was surprised because of her advanced age.  She should have slept the day away.  She did come home and sleep the night soundly after her pain pill.

I am sick.  Just the common cold everyone gets this time of year.  Coughing, sinus hurts, feeling like crap.  Spent most of the day yesterday on the couch watching old videos from 1994 to 2001 of the dogs.  Makes me sad the time went so fast.  I will spend most of the day on the couch again today. 

A follower sent me an email and I thought you might find this interesting.  Healthline has compiled a list of the Effects of HIV in a visual graphic.   I was sent the following link and I thought my followers would be interested in seeing the information.

You can check out the information at http://www.healthline.com/health/hiv-aids/effects-on-body



Monday, February 9, 2015

February 9, 2015 Monday Morning

Having a rough morning today.  I have spent most of the morning in deep thought about death, dying, being alone, the pain and suffering in the end stage of life, and how will I manage when I get old if I am alone with no Tony or someone to take care of me.  These thoughts have been getting worse as this Winter has gone on.  I see my life slipping away into old age. 

Tony and I have been watching old movies and videos from when we started going out to now.  I have been taking all the VHS videos and putting them in digital format to last forever.  We are only up to watching up to 1997 and all the trips we took to Florida, the Bahama's and San Francisco.  I get sad watching the videos because I don't know where all the time went.  I also remember how much energy I had and fear of death was something I just didn't seem to have to deal with.  So maybe the depressed state I am in today has to do with looking back on my life.  I have said many times I would not change a thing.  I just want to go back and do it all over again and be able to tell myself to just enjoy the moment.  Maybe I should take that advice now?

Today's depressed mood and tears could have something to do with the fact we went to my parents home yesterday.   My parents are now 79 and 81 years old and not getting any better in health.  In fact my mom just a week ago had back surgery and my dad is starting to have health issues of his own.  It was dads 81st birthday.  Mom is on strong pain meds and just came home Saturday from rehab due to the back surgery and managing the pain.  I see my parents getting very old and their time coming to an end.  Of course this all means my life is coming closer to the end also.  As I left their house we had a discussion of how much time they think they have left.  Dad said five years.  I looked at them and said 'I sure hope not because I only see you about four times a year and that means I only have 20 more times to see you before your dead'?   Even typing that makes me cry.  Time is moving so damn fast and lately I can't seem to make it slow down.  No matter if I spend the day doing nothing or fill the day with activities, in the end, the day is always gone ... fast.  

Maybe it is also the fact the Kali goes in for dental surgery tomorrow.  She is 15 1/2 years old and the odds can be against her because the vet will need to put her under and that is a risk at her advanced age and with her heart condition.  I am spending the day making sure I say all my good byes and everything just in case she does not make it though tomorrows surgery.  Kali has been by my side for all six dogs that I had to put down.  She went to work with me.  She was there for me when I found out I was HIV and had AIDS.  She got me though the hardest and best parts of my life and can not believe I might have to say goodbye.   Kali's teeth are so bad if I don't take care of them now and she lives a couple more years, they will be horrible in at that time.  Plus in a year she will not make it through surgery.  Tomorrow will be a nail biter of a day waiting to pick her up.

I have for over a year now been wanting to write a letter to my old self to open when I get old and close to death.  I just can not bring myself to do it even though I want to do it so bad.  I want to tell myself that I had a good life, was happy, and did have love with Tony and all the dogs I was blessed with.  I think this is another reason why I have been making sure all our videos from the years are preserved so I can watch them as I am old and dying on my death bed someday.  That is how I want to go ... watching videos of all the dogs I was lucky enough to have in my life and love.   I have to force myself to write this letter since it really means a lot for me to do. 

So, sorry to log on and put all my sorrow and depression on you.  I guess it is good therapy for me to write this down and let myself see the good and bad in my life.  I wish it was warmer outside because I could really use a mind cleaning walk along the river.  If anyone can recommend any book on death or depression that have helped you cope with death and dying, please let me know.

Friday, January 30, 2015

January 30, 2015 Friday Morning

Spent most of this week working on a video project.  I figured out how to transfer my VHS tapes to the computer in MP4 format so I can watch them anytime.  I figure if I put all the years of video on my flash drive or laptop I will always have them to view if I am in the hospital someday.  Plus who has a VHS player anymore?  Been fun watching the video on the screen as it transfers to the computer.  It is a slow process.  A 2 hour VHS tape takes the 2 hours to transfer onto the computer and then another two hours for it to process the video into MP4 format.  Since I have about 12 tapes to transfer I am about half done.  I figure Tony and I will start watching them on Friday nights, starting tonight, one tape each Friday.  Since we have been together over 25 years it is fun to see how we and everything has changed.  Seeing Tiny and Shadow, my Poms, and all the other dogs makes me cry happy tears.  I figure once I get all the VHS tapes transferred I will throw away the VHS tapes for good. 

Last weekend we binge watched Transparent.  The entire 10 episode first season of the show.  Great show and very recommended.  I thought being gay was hard.  Being trans is a total mind fuck because of the people around you.  Find a way to watch it on Amazon.com.  We also have watched Boyhood and Pit Stop.  Boyhood was very good.

My mom is still in rehab from her back surgery.  It did not go as well as she expected and is not happy she is in so much pain over a week after the surgery.  Dad is having issues now too with his heart because of all the stress.  They are both getting old, 80 and 78 and I fear the end is near.  I have no clue how I will ever handle my parents deaths.  WOW.  

The dogs are all doing great.  I decided to have Kali's blood tested to see if she is strong enough to get her teeth cleaned one last time.  They are horrible but she is 15 1/2 years old.  It is risk I am willing to take since I have a feeling she will live a couple more years and will hate myself then if I don't do something now about her teeth.  I try to brush them and they bleed.  It is not pretty.  Tony was against it and I finally just made him get a flash light and look in her mouth.  I then looked him square in the eye and said 'you really don't think she needs the cleaning?'.   It will happen if the blood test comes back good.  If she died on the table, it would be something I have considered and could live with.  Heck, what a way to go.  No pain and not knowing. 

Not much else going on which is good.  My shoulders hurt from the stress of my parents and life.  I can't imagine what the pain would be like if I had 'real' stress.  I seem to create my own stress.  I did also get the book I ordered named God Is My Ketchup.  I hope to start reading it next week.  A follower recommended it.

The sun is out today but it is only 20 degrees.  I wish Summer or even Spring would get here.  I am so tired of Winter and the cold.  Haven't had a lot of snow, just a lot of cold.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

January 20, 2014 Tuesday Afternoon

Not much has happened of interest since I last posted.  I did have a scheduled dental cleaning today at ARCW, our AIDS Resource Center here in Milwaukee, that I set up six months ago.  Got there for my 9 AM appointment and after 10 minutes waiting was told my appointment was canceled, someone should have called me, and the reschedule date is in April.  It is hard for me to get to an appointment at 9 AM and was not happy.  I did pick up my monthly prescriptions and food at the pantry.  Of course being closed yesterday they had no bread out for the taking.  I can usually grab a months worth of bread products for Tony and myself, as well as a slice for the rabbits each night outside.  Will have to go back later this week or next to grab some bread.  Since it was cloudy and only 30 degrees today I had no energy when I got home and spent the day doing very little.  I did manage to give Rose a bath since Tony brought her home from work at lunch with dirty legs and paws from her walk with her Uncle Tom.  Tom still goes to the shop most mornings and takes Rose for a walk.  My back now hurts from this bath which is why I usually have Tony give them their baths.  I just don't have the strength in my back for these 'bend over' things and I pay afterwards.  Speaking of back, my mom is having major back surgery tomorrow morning.  I pray it goes well because my father will pay the price in the end taking care of her. 

The dogs are doing great.  I still need to make an appointment for Kali to see the vet for her old age, and various issues.  Her tumor under her neck is getting so big it is making it hard for her to breath at night when she sleeps.  She is too old to have it removed so all we can do is watch, wait, and when we feel her quality of life is no longer here, do the humane thing and euthanize her.  She still is a happy girl going on 16 years old this Summer.

I still have been walking on the treadmill almost daily.  Only did a mile today versus 2 miles because of the dental appointment and just low energy today.  I hope it is the lack of sun rather than getting sick.  So many people are sick and I hope I don't get it.   

Time to get in the kitchen and start supper.  Wish I had more energy.  Cup of coffee did not help.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

January 14, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

Had my six month appointment with my HIV doctor this afternoon to get my latest blood results and talk about any problems and med changes going forward.  My CD4 count increased to 630 from 581.  It is also an all time high for my CD4 count.   My percentage was 27 which is down from last blood test, but in the scheme of things, didn't change much and just good that my CD4 count is still increasing.  I am also still undetectable.  Also mentioned the minor problems I have been having lately:  My left underarm feels like something is swollen or not right, my right rotary cuff on my arm hurts when I do extreme things, and the tingling in my feet and hands a couple times a day.  At times I have to shake my wrists and move my fingers to get the tingling to stop.  Doctor asked if it is constant, I told him maybe just a couple times a day, the feet tingling being worse.  Will monitor this.  Also told him I am getting a little scared about my memory.  I last weekend tried to tell Tony the address book was under the candle and kept saying calendar instead of candle.  I was looking right at the candle, but calendar kept coming out of my mouth.  It was notable at this point and worth telling the doctor about.  Got my next blood test scheduled for end of June and see my HIV doctor again in July.  I did mention to him that I have a new regular practice doctor and that I did not feel totally comfortable with her.  My HIV doctor said he did not know much about her and if we need to find someone different we can do that in the future.  Hopefully I won't have to see a doctor for anything and it won't be an issue?  I did not like the way my new doctor questioned, judged, and then cut my usual prescription of pain pills down to nothing.   I have enough for now but I will not beg for pain pills when I have pain that regular over the counter meds do not take care of.  I could ruin my liver.  I take the pain meds as needed.  Time will tell.

Got the final paperwork yesterday that Rose and Casper are officially Tony and mine.  The rescue we got them from sent us the signed paperwork.  I was so happy I was in tears for a while of the day.  I guess I just am so proud of what I did and how far these dogs have come.  They would not be here today, not together, if we had not stepped up to foster them both.  I just am so glad it all worked out so well.  I look at the both of them and still smile and tear up at the same time.  I know there are so many more just like them that die each day because no one takes them in and people treat animals like garbage.  I get Facebook feeds from the rescues daily and every morning catching up on the feeds I am in tears.  Always a heartbreaking story or two.  Today's was about a Pit Bull tossed out of a car in NY and then the driver backed over the dog to kill it and drove away.  WTF?  The dog had serious bite wounds and was a bait dog and died.  That is not fair.  How can a God let this kind of suffering of pets and humans happen? 

Making a couple TV dinners for supper tonight.  Tony was home for lunch and we had chicken dumpling soup and a sandwich I bought at the deli this morning.  I still have been walking my two miles on the treadmill every day.  Today I picked up the speed a bit.  I feel so good after I do the treadmill.  I have not lost any weight but I feel better so that is good.  Since I have not really changed my diet yet I can't complain about no weight loss.  I will in time.  The working out has helped the uncomfortable thing under my left arm.  It feels about half as uncomfortable now.  I had my HIV doctor check today and he also could not feel anything inflamed or out of place.  I honestly think it is a fat tumor and I just need to loose some weight because it is pressing against my nerves.  Hoping the tingling is also from this. 

Still cold in Milwaukee.  We are suppose to get above freezing for a day this weekend.  Will feel like a heat wave since it has been close to zero a lot of days this month.

Happy my blood tests for my HIV came back still improving.  Hopefully that means I have a lot of years left in me.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

January 8, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

Frigid cold and snow today.

It is the middle of the afternoon and the thermometer says it is zero degrees outside.  It also has been snowing for a couple hours and when it is all done later today I will have about 3 or more inches of snow to shovel.  I usually don't mind shoveling the snow unless it is like now..... very cold.  I will bundle up good and get it done.

Have done very little in the past week outside the house.  It honestly has been so cold her in Wisconsin leaving the house just doesn't sound like a good idea if you don't have to.  I only had to take the two small dogs in to the vet on Tuesday and had Tony pick us up with a warm car.  Thought we were just getting a nail trim on both.  Ended up having to see the doctor for Vito since it has been over a year and she made sure we walked out paying $350 in vet bills for blood tests and such.  Thank goodness for Tony or I could not afford these costs.  Since we went grocery shopping on Sunday I didn't have to leave the house to even do that this week.  Have spent every day this week continuing to clean the basement and sorting out item for trash or sold, or keep.  I also have made a point to walk on the treadmill 2 miles a day since last posting.  I don't mind the exercise and feel so good after.  It is just a matter of getting it going. 

My shoulder / left under arm situation has not changed.  It has not gotten any worse, but I still feel like something is inflamed or in my under arm that should not be there.  It is uncomfortable but not really painful.  Will address it with my HIV doctor when I see him mid week next week. 

The snow keeps falling.  Looks pretty outside but not looking forward to the cold when I go out to shovel.

Friday, January 2, 2015

January 2, 2015 Friday Afternoon

Spent New Years at home.  Was happy to just stay home since it was very cold in Milwaukee.  Our neighbor did come over early in the evening and we drank a bottle of wine watching a Chelsea Handler special.  New Years Day we only left the house to take Rose, Casper and Bo on a walk to the dog park with Uncle Tom.

I have been riding the thread mill in the basement every day since my last post.  I must admit I feel great after I do the work out.  Today I even did two miles.  Hopefully sometime in the future two miles will seem like nothing.

As promised, my top favorites for 2014:

Best Moments to remember in 2014:
Tony and my Wedding in Skokie Illinois on March 21, 2014
Adopting Rose and Casper on May 22, 2014
Brew City Bully Club Event on February 22, 2014 with my sister
November 22, 2014 the first day all five dogs were together for the first time
Christmas Day watching Casper, Rose and Bo play in the dog park

Music in 2014:
David Guetta - Listen CD
Olly Murs - Never Been Better CD
Ariana Grande - My Everything CD
Calvin Harris - Motion CD
Taylor Swift - 1989 CD
Jessie J - Sweet Talker CD

TV Shows in 2014:
Getting On
Homeland
American Horror Story
Stalker
Bates Motel
Pit Bulls and Parollees
Walking Dead

Movies in 2014:
Snowpiercer
Gone Girl
Dallas Buyers Club (Gay)
The Normal Heart (Gay)
Pride (Gay)
Burning Blue (Gay)
Truth (Gay)

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

December 30, 2014 Tuesday Afternoon

The past week has gone from happy to uncomfortable.

Christmas this year was very good.  We went to Tony's brother's house (the brother that walks Rose) for Christmas Eve.  It was a little different having it at his home due to the divorce.  The wife, or should I say, ex wife was not at the Balistreri Christmas on Christmas Eve.  We got to his house around 6 PM and got home around 9 PM.  Had a very relaxed and nice evening.  Tony's sister drove up with her three kids from Illinois so it added to the fun.  They did not make the drive the past couple Christmas's.  Spent the rest of the night watching TV with the dogs until about midnight and then went to bed.  We did not buy anything for each other this year and to be honest I think it made for a happier Dave not expecting Tony to buy a gift.  I just said don't bother and it was much less stress for both of us.  We have everything we need. 

Christmas Day at 10:30 AM Tony's brother Tom came to our house so we could take the dogs to the dog park eight blocks north of our house, in between our house and Tony's shop.  This is the same dog park Tom takes Rose to daily and after all the talk at Christmas about how much fun Rose has there, we made a date.  I walked Casper, Tony walked Bo, and Tom walked Rose.  I was very impressed how Rose listened to Tom and how he made her wait at each intersection for him to say it was OK to cross the street.  Casper was skittish at first, but handle the walk due to Tony and Rose being along.  Got to the dog park and my heart was pounding.  This is out of my comfort zone.  Got into the block big park, one square block that is a field, and let the dogs run.  I was in tears.  You can see video of them at Rose and Casper on Facebook.  Casper ran like the wind.  Bo had so much fun with all the tennis balls, and Rose followed Tom all around the park.  There were about six other dogs at the park and at times I had to make Casper not play so rough.  It made for a best Christmas ever moment to be honest.  Walked them home after circling the park twice.  After a bit we left for my parents house, dog free, for the afternoon.  Had a nice Christmas with my family.  Did find out my mom is having serious back surgery the end of January.  Left around 4 PM for home and got home by 5 PM.  Spent the night watching a little TV and off to sleep after a round of lovin. 

Tony took Friday off and like the day prior Tom showed up at 10:30 AM and we again took all three dogs to the dog park.  The dogs again had so much fun.  Casper did pull his leg out of the socket once and I had to massage it back in place.  I have to be careful he does not play to rough due to his bones not being totally normal for a dog his weight and size due to being starved to death for his first two years.  He never had a chance to grow and now six months with us he is almost twice the weight and size.  Got home shortly before noon and then went to have lunch with the guys.  Took a short nap in the afternoon after lunch and spent the night watching movies.

Saturday was much the same as the prior day again.  Tom came at 10:30 AM and we again walked the dogs.  The weather in Milwaukee since Christmas has been around 40 degrees.  Very warm for this time of year.  Not going to last and very cold as I type this today.  Went out for lunch and after getting home spent the rest of the day with the dogs watching TV and movies.

Sunday we were going to spend the day in the house until Tom called around noon asking if we wanted to walk the dogs.  He loves Rose.   Figured it was the one thing we would do and soon we were walking the dogs again to the dog park.  Picked up some ham and rolls at a neighborhood deli and lottery tickets at the corner grocery on the way home.  Spent the rest of the day watching TV and movies with the dogs.

Since Christmas my left under arm has been having pain or feels inflamed.  By Monday it was to a point where it was time to call the doctor.  Was surprised I got a 9:30 AM appointment and showered and went to the doctor.  It feel like my glands or lymph nodes under or around my left armpit are swollen.  It is not painful as it is uncomfortable and causes numbness and pain in my arm and fingers.  Like I have said in the past, I know my body since finding out I was HIV.  I take note of everything.  Doctor felt me up and could not feel a growth.  Sent me down for an X-ray.  X-ray did not show anything so I have no other choice than to wait it out and see where it goes.  Figure it could be from the 10 pounds I have gained since Thanksgiving and maybe a fat tumor is pushing against a nerve, I decided it was time anyway for a serious diet and start working out.  The blood test results from the week prior told the story also.  My cholesterol levels are very high.  Dangerously high.  Higher than they even were last time.  So I do have to loose weight, lay off the candy, eat better and work out.  I am at 193 lbs that day and I need to get back down to 175 lbs.   I feel best at that weight.   My knees, back and now my armpit are feeling the weight.  Lets hope it is that.  I do go to my HIV doctor the second week of January and if there is still pain I will address with him since my doctor did talk to him also.  My doctor thinks it might be my shingles coming back.  Yah, wtf?   I found out 1 in 3 get shingles again.  Time will tell and I am waiting for the rash if it is.  I just feel like something is not right with my body, time will tell if I am right.  I had this same feeling when I pressed for an HIV test six years ago.  Yes, been six years this next month.

Today I spent most of the day setting up the basement to work out.  I have a tread mill, weight system and bike to get me loosing this weight and getting back in shape and I am going to do it.  I seriously have never used them and they are just siting unused in the basement.  Worked out dancing and stretching for a half hour.  Walked for a while on the tread mill and really felt good.  Worked out for over an hour to music, slowly, not over doing the first work out.  Still have the underarm pain but working out is the best 'coffee' one can do to make the body feel good.  So, I started my new work out system and even put a weight board to monitor my weight as I begin this journey to healthiness. 

Over the past week we have watched many movies.  We have watched Pride (very good), Dolphin Tale 2, The Interview (was just OK), Gone Girl (didn't understand the ending, but was very good), The Dark Place, Beneath, Devil's Due, and As Above, So Below.  The last few were horror movies and OK.  Best of the bunch was Pride and Gone Girl.

I hope to post a top five of my favorites in music, TV, movies and such in the next few days.

Happy New Year to anyone who follows my blog.  I hope we all have a safe, healthy and happy 2015.  Thank you for another year of memories.

Monday, December 22, 2014

December 22, 2014 Monday Afternoon

Another week or so has gone by since I posted.  You would think that with that amount of time going by I would have something, anything, to say ......

I did get the basement cleaned and organized last week.  I bought four shelving units at a Estate Sale last Monday and spent Tuesday cleaning the basement and getting all the 'crap' on shelves, hopefully ready to go out for a Rummage sale this Spring.  Also spent a day cleaning a couple closets and was happy with the results. 

I do try to plan on one thing each day so I feel a sense of accomplishment even though I do very little. 

Last Saturday afternoon Tony and I did go to Bayshore Mall to do a little Christmas shopping.  I had a $10 Boston Store cash coupon that expired that day and I was determined to use it.  Of course everything I wanted to buy, nothing really needed, it could not be used on the items.  I did end up buying a new spring jacket that Tony said looked nice on me.  We finally bought a couple pizzas to go home with and went home.  Christmas shopping done.  We will have a Christmas with no real gifts to exchange this year, which is fine with me. We have everything we want or need.  We have our dogs and each other.

Sunday we spent the day watching movies and only left the house to get lottery tickets and go grocery shopping for the week.

This week is Christmas.  Christmas Eve we will go to Tony's brother's house for his families Christmas.  We are in charge of bringing the canned cooked ham and two dozen rolls.  The brother got divorced this year so there will not be much of a spread of food in any way.  What we bring will probably be most of it since Tony for some reason refuses to ask the other brothers to bring things, even snacks.  I don't get it but I am just going to let it go, it is his family.  We all bring a $25 gift to swap out with each other in a game we play.   Christmas Day we will go to my mom and dads in the afternoon for a couple hours to exchange our presents.  We do buy token presents for each other.  Dad always gives us a nice size check.

I still have very little ambition.  Feel tired a lot and just want to sleep.  My lungs feel better.  Could be the lack of sun this time of year in Wisconsin. 

We have watched a lot of movies since there is little on TV.  Thankfully I have a lot of shows still in memory to watch.  We have watched This Is Where I Leave You, Sex Tape Speak No Evil 1 and 2, Skeleton Twins, Guardians Of The Galaxy and Good People, to name a few.  None were all that great that I would say 'go out and rent it'.  TIWILY was most likely the best of the bunch.  We also binged watched the HBO show Getting On, which I recommend both seasons to watch.  Great show.

The dogs are doing awesome.  I smile as I type that.  They really are my life and what makes me happy.  I am happy to be safe at home with them and when I look at them I smile.  Life could not be any better at this point with the dogs.  Tony still takes Rose to work for the morning.  I try to walk Casper at least every other day around the block, and Bo goes over to 'treat ladies' house a couple afternoons a week.  Casper is now walking past people and actually interested in them as we walk by which is a big step from when I got him and he was afraid of everyone and everything.  He still has his issues, but has come so far.  Rose loves going to work and stands by the door at 7 AM so Tony doesn't forget her, lol.   On the weekends we have to explain to her 'no work today'. 

If I had more going on in my life I would write more often.  I do have to go in for my 6 month blood test this week or next, some morning prior to coffee or food.  Another reminder of my HIV.  I will be coming up on 6 years this January.   I don't know where the time has gone, much less, cant believe I am still alive.  Life is good right now.

Merry Christmas to all who continue to follow me.  I hope someday we meet.  I wish you a Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and healthy and happy New Year.  Thank you for all your support and following my blog. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

December 11, 2014 Thursday Afternoon

I first off want to thank you for the comments from my last post.  It is because of comments like that I have been able to write this blog and will continue going forward.   Thank you.  You help me more than you know.

Not adjusting well to the cold here in Wisconsin.  Winter started very fast and we were below normal in temperatures for a long time.  We now have average December temperature but that is still below freezing and cold.  Thankfully the sun did come out today since we have not seen it since Sunday morning.  I still am fighting this lung infection thing.  Some days it is better than others.  Got my chest xray results back and they did not show anything / they were negative.  I still have a dry couch and feel tired most of the time.  In fact I spent more time in bed today then out of bed.  The inhaler I got as a prescription also helps.  I am so glad I quit smoking cigarettes going on a year and half now.  I still have this little voice telling me there is more going on with my lungs and I am wishing there was a way to check for lung cancer.  Most would say I am nuts but I am more in tune to my body than most people are due to the HIV.  When I finally MADE my doctor give me an HIV test I knew deep down something was seriously wrong and even had a feeling it was HIV from all I knew of the disease.  I feel this way with my lungs.  Something keeps telling me to go the next step.  I couch most of the day and my shoulder blades and chest hurt.  Lungs sometimes feel raw.  Not really couching up much.   Oh well, time will tell.

The dogs are doing great.  I could not be happier with the way this fostering of Rose and Casper has turned out.   All the dogs are together now all the time except for feeding.  Bo has taken to eating with the big dogs since he wants to be with and like them.  So I feed Rose, Casper and Bo in the kitchen and Vito and Kali in the dining room with a door baby gate closed while they all eat.  I can not express enough how much these two dogs have done for me, and for Tony.  I can not help but look at them and smile with a tear in my eye knowing how they came here, and now how happy they are.  They show us all day how happy and grateful they are to be here.  Tony still takes Rose to work in the morning and his brother walks her to the dog park rain or shine.  When I pulled up in front of the auto body shop to pick her up today Tony's brother came out with her  unleashed.  I just shook my head and told him I didn't appreciate it, and would rather she be on a leash due to another dog or a squirrel or something.  He was trying to show me just how good she is and I saw that.  She has come so far because of him so I just have to accept what I can and make sure I voice my concerns and hope for the best.  If I honestly though my dog was in danger due to any one's action I would step in.  Rose loves Tony's brother and goes nuts whimpering and tail wagging when he arrives each day.  She cries for him.  It is very sweet.  I think it has worked out well for the brother since his divorce just became final this last few months and he has not taken it well.  Rose and him have bonded and it is really sweet.  Tony and I now touch base each day around 11:30 AM to figure who is going to bring Rose home.  So the dogs have even helped Tony and I get closer.  The house is so different now with no fear of anyone getting hurt and all the gates down.  Honestly when it comes to the dogs, life couldn't get any better.  Kali still makes it from day to day but when she sleeps she has a hard time breathing and she is going on 17 years old.  I just feel blessed each day to still have her and know each day could be her last.  When Rose is at work I let Casper and Bo play - supervised.   Have to keep saying 'not so rough' and 'be good, no hurting each other'.  Casper is still learning how to play with a small dog, and Bo is learning how to play with a big dog that is not his Stella. 

We started binge watching the HBO show Getting On last weekend and I recommend it.  It is in it's second season and each season is only six half hour episodes.  So it is easy to binge watch and get caught up.  Very good show.  Lots of stars and each show is sad, happy, and funny weird all in one half hour.   My favorite new TV show this season is the show Stalker on CBS.   I love this show even more than How To Get Away With Murder.

I put the massage chair we bought months ago on Craigslist again yesterday and got a call on it today.  A guy came and looked at it and put $200 down.  I sold it for $700 so we only lost $100 on the bad purchase.  If you remember we bought this and was one of our most miscommunicated mistakes in 25 years, both thinking the other wanted it.  Tomorrow the guy comes to take it and pay the balance.  Will be so happy it is gone.

Picked up my monthly HIV meds today at the AIDS resource center downtown.  I feel very comfortable going to the center and never have felt like I have to look over my shoulder as I walk in the door.  The staff has always made me feel so welcome.  I am glad I quit the client board I was on because it just was time to move on and it gives me more time at home with the dogs. 

I am almost done Christmas shopping.  Tony and I have gone a few times to stores like Target and Big Lots.   Bought a few things to wrap but for the most part we have everything we need so there is nothing to buy.  I buy more for my family and Tony's than for each other.  The only things we buy for each other seems to be underwear, socks, flash light for at work ..... things we could buy any day.  I just wrap anything we buy for ourselves between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that is what we open on Christmas morning.  I will go to the mall the week of Christmas for the afternoon just to listen to the music and feel Christmasy.  I'll find an item or two for each of us.

Thanks again for any and all comments.  They are appreciated more than you know.  Nice to know I am not just talking to myself.  If you aren't already following us on Facebook check out our page named:   Rose and Casper.