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Friday, November 11, 2016

November 11, 2016 Friday Afternoon

It has been quite a hard week. 

I finally last week saw a licensed psychologist that thought I really could be helped with an anti depressant.  I am so hesitant to go on one not only because of the stigma when you tell any doctor your meds and include and anti depressant as well as the side effects I know come with them.  I have been on them twice in the past and was not happy with the results.  Over 15 or more years ago.
I said I would give it a try since I would not be sitting in her office if I didn't know something was just not right.  She put me on Venlafaxine.  Started me on a half pill twice a day so that is 12.5 mg each dose for a total of 25 mg a day.  I eventually would be up to 75 mg a day which at this point kind of scares me.  I say this because this morning, being the fourth day on the meds I honestly thought I was freaking out.  Had a bad panic attach this morning after listening to the news.  Now this all might be because of this election which scares the hell out of me. 
I am under review for social security for AIDS.  I could loose my social security and that would make me have to buy healthcare through the Affordable Healthcare Law which Trump has vowed to dismantle.   So I could be without health insurance very soon.  Meds are about $2000 a month for my AIDS. 
I could also be considered a second class citizen because Trump has also vowed to make our marriage null and void.  All this has cause me so much stress I have eaten very little all week.  Slept very little all week.  Have had a huge fight with Tony.  And cause me to break down several times.
The huge fight with Tony is due to me seeing a councilor also the past few weeks.   As I talk to her and tell her things I am surprised how I have settled and honestly how sad our marriage has gotten.  We don't talk much, at least he doesn't.  When I ask Tony 'How was your day', I get "Fine"  "How was yours".  Unless I then tell him anything that happened that is it for conversation lately.  Passion?
What is that?   I told Tony this morning I feel more like roommates than husbands lately.  
What started this was the other night when I bought Tony his plate of supper like I usually do, he a little while later spilled some of his crystal light on himself and looked at me and snapped 'if you can't bring me my plate of food with a napkin, don't bring me my damn plate of food'.  I was shocked.  I looked at him and asked him what he said and he repeated it.  I than looked him in the eye and told him I would never never never bring him a plate of food ever again.  I am not his waiter or servant.  What shocked me the most was how he looked and sounded like his father and that is not a good thing.  We fought all night and have said little to each other until this morning when I told him how unhappy I was with our marriage and suggested counseling for the both of us.
So long story short, my life is a mess, but I am getting help.
The six dogs are all doing good.  I do walk them at least once a day, most days twice.  Morning and late afternoon.  That is a lot of walking because I take them one at a time a few times around the block.  My grandma swore walking kept her alive until 98 and I believe it was a factor.  Keep moving.
The weather has been warmer than usual and I will not be happy with Winter does finally get her.
If anyone has any experience taking the anti depressant Venlafaxine I would love to hear if it worked or any concerns you had.