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Friday, November 11, 2016

November 11, 2016 Friday Afternoon

It has been quite a hard week. 

I finally last week saw a licensed psychologist that thought I really could be helped with an anti depressant.  I am so hesitant to go on one not only because of the stigma when you tell any doctor your meds and include and anti depressant as well as the side effects I know come with them.  I have been on them twice in the past and was not happy with the results.  Over 15 or more years ago.
I said I would give it a try since I would not be sitting in her office if I didn't know something was just not right.  She put me on Venlafaxine.  Started me on a half pill twice a day so that is 12.5 mg each dose for a total of 25 mg a day.  I eventually would be up to 75 mg a day which at this point kind of scares me.  I say this because this morning, being the fourth day on the meds I honestly thought I was freaking out.  Had a bad panic attach this morning after listening to the news.  Now this all might be because of this election which scares the hell out of me. 
I am under review for social security for AIDS.  I could loose my social security and that would make me have to buy healthcare through the Affordable Healthcare Law which Trump has vowed to dismantle.   So I could be without health insurance very soon.  Meds are about $2000 a month for my AIDS. 
I could also be considered a second class citizen because Trump has also vowed to make our marriage null and void.  All this has cause me so much stress I have eaten very little all week.  Slept very little all week.  Have had a huge fight with Tony.  And cause me to break down several times.
The huge fight with Tony is due to me seeing a councilor also the past few weeks.   As I talk to her and tell her things I am surprised how I have settled and honestly how sad our marriage has gotten.  We don't talk much, at least he doesn't.  When I ask Tony 'How was your day', I get "Fine"  "How was yours".  Unless I then tell him anything that happened that is it for conversation lately.  Passion?
What is that?   I told Tony this morning I feel more like roommates than husbands lately.  
What started this was the other night when I bought Tony his plate of supper like I usually do, he a little while later spilled some of his crystal light on himself and looked at me and snapped 'if you can't bring me my plate of food with a napkin, don't bring me my damn plate of food'.  I was shocked.  I looked at him and asked him what he said and he repeated it.  I than looked him in the eye and told him I would never never never bring him a plate of food ever again.  I am not his waiter or servant.  What shocked me the most was how he looked and sounded like his father and that is not a good thing.  We fought all night and have said little to each other until this morning when I told him how unhappy I was with our marriage and suggested counseling for the both of us.
So long story short, my life is a mess, but I am getting help.
The six dogs are all doing good.  I do walk them at least once a day, most days twice.  Morning and late afternoon.  That is a lot of walking because I take them one at a time a few times around the block.  My grandma swore walking kept her alive until 98 and I believe it was a factor.  Keep moving.
The weather has been warmer than usual and I will not be happy with Winter does finally get her.
If anyone has any experience taking the anti depressant Venlafaxine I would love to hear if it worked or any concerns you had.

9 comments:

  1. I thought about you the day after the election figuring you'd be gutted. It is a terrible result. I've always thought Tony sounds like a selfish vile pig who is using you. If he said that to me, I'd either through the plate at him or get it and smash it in his face. You're better off alone. No one needs that. Also to be honest, I think you've screwed yourself. 6 dogs is beyond ridiculous, it is actually irresponsible. You did have a choice. You did not have to take them all. Just because you see a stray, does not mean you have to keep it. Also you should think about how imposing all these new dogs you are collecting affects the dogs you already have. A couple of times I almost added another one, to my one. But thought no, it would upset my current one too much, and he has to come FIRST! I think you need to put yourself, your health and your own needs first. I genuinely believe you should put at least half of your dogs up for adoption and if that doesn't work, to kennels. Forget their 'ersonality', YOU need to worry about you. 6 dogs, each around the block (not even two per walk? Why not? If they don't get along, hello, that is a sign you shouldn't introduce new dogs all the time, it is not fair at all on the originals), so but absolutely f*cking ridiculous! That is beyond a joke. And what happens if you and Tony break up? What dog/s go where/with whom? How will you live on only disability, with these 6 dogs you've collected? Sorry but you don't seem to actually think ahead. You really, for your own sake, have to stop collecting these dogs, an put half of them in the pound or up for adoption. You might not have a choice soon. Your dog habit situation is way out of control, especially with your marital situation. Get rid of most of those dogs! Good luck.

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