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Thursday, April 21, 2016

April 21, 2016 Thursday Morning

It has been a long time since I posted.  I am alive.  Life has been more ups and downs as I go through life.  I honestly feel I am just going day to day and just trying to make it though each day.

Physically I feel pretty good.  If I was to complain about anything health wise it would be the pain in my feet and toes when I walk and the morning bouts with throwing up bile.  I have seen my foot doctor again and he had me buy some new foot inserts, which did help a little.  There are days I wish I could just have the second and third toes, the two next to the big toe, removed.  The bones in my feet just don't track good anymore and some days I can not find a pair of shoes to wear to walk without pain and discomfort.  I go back to the food doctor next week and he keeps trying to get me to do cortisone shots.  Everything I read on them sound temporary and worse problems down the road.  I think the best thing would be for me to loose 10 lbs which would help with the feet, knees and back.  The morning bile situation seems to flare up about once a week.  I use to be a morning person and now it seems between my bowels and stomach problems I hate the first hour or two of my day.  I have found taking a hit of pot around 5 AM helps but then I am stoned for most of the morning with no energy.  My prostate still acts up once in a while and I feel pain in that area.  Honestly my body just feels like it is falling apart and I am really feeling my age.  My grandma used to say that any day you wake up and get out of bed is a good day.  I am not sure if that is true.

Mentally I am a mess.  I think the reason I don't post as often is because I am tired of talking about my fears of death and dying and I think my readers might also.  God I wish I could find a magical book to read to put all my fears aside.  I went to a funeral a few months ago and the sermon was about how 'we all suffer at the end'.  What a horrible sermon topic.  It has been on my mind since.  It is my biggest fear along with the fear of life simply ending.  I know that sounds weird to some but I just can not fathom this.  I read the obits daily looking at the names and wonder how they did it.  Maybe the fact I turn 55 this Saturday has my mind more than usual thinking about death and dying.  I wish I had a support group or therapist to talk to to be honest.  It has caused me a lot of tears and depression lately.  When I was 30 I never thought of life ending or death.  Now that I have all I need to make me happy the thought of loosing or no longer being alive to enjoy all these things is so scary to me it makes my heart beat fast, I can't breath and I feel a panic attach coming on.  I have googled 'afraid to die', 'accepting death' and search words such as that and still I find no book or help to get me through this.  I at least have to find a way to stop thinking of death 24 hours a day and being in fear of it.  Especially since I honestly can't do anything about it.  Anyone have any thoughts or help on this please tell me.

I have been training Toby to walk on a leash nice the last 3 weeks.  I had a guy who trains dogs come to the house and show my some techniques.   I take Toby out at least twice a day for training in the alley and walks around the block.  Toby is a puppy and has way too much energy.  I also take Bo and Casper together for a walk around the block almost daily too.  The last couple weeks on nice weather days I have been picking up Rose at work around noon and stopping at the dog park with her.  Yesterday I was in tears watching her play with a beagle puppy.  She is so gentle for a Pit Bull.  I was so impressed and such a proud daddy watching my big Pit Bull be the best dog in the park.  When we enter all the dogs come to her to say hi.  It really has made my day and I plan on getting her today to do the same.  The excised is good for the dogs and very good for me.  All six dogs are doing good and still alive.

No plans for my Birthday this weekend.  I did buy a nice cake yesterday and Tony and I will go out for a nice steak dinner.  I laugh as I type this since steak is a favorite of mine but lately does not go through me well and I pay the next morning.

Thankfully the weather is getting warmer here in Milwaukee and I can do things outside.  Hopefully that will help with my depression and dark thoughts.

One last thing. I love comments but if you post a comment about a cure from some quack doctor I will delete the post.  There is enough bad information out there and this false information helps no one.  Please do not post false medical claims on MY blog.  Thank you.


  1. Hi Dave.... Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor. Just another long-term poz guy in his late 50's.

    You sound incredibly depressed. Depression can cause not only the mental issue, but also physical symptoms. Have you seen a psychologist? Have you considered anti-depressants? Or, if you are on an anti-depressant, consider asking to change to something else.

    You are deserving of a life where a focus on death and dying isn't at the center of your days.... This is not normal, yet there is help out there. I am a big proponent of talk therapy, so please consider seeing a therapist to help you walk through these issues.

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  2. Dave,

    Stay strong. I'm always available to talk.


  3. Hi Dave,

    I turned 54 the other day mate and it's definitely not normal to be thinking of impending death all the time like you are.

    The most concerning thing of your post was that you read the obituaries every day and "wonder how they did it". One of the things counselors ask to see how far along people are is "Do you have a plan?". It sounds like you may be developing one.

    I use that illustration to show that you're in trouble there mate. You've already made a step and reached out here, but that's not enough. You need to see a counselor, preferably a psychologist. Get the ball rolling now on that. Tell Tony about your distress and he can help the counselor process along if need be.

    Also talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. I notice you're not on anything. They don't suit everyone but they may very well help with you. I've been on them since 2009.

    Take care,

    Peter x x

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