March 20, 2015 Friday Afternoon

I thought the last time a posted was about a week ago.  When I connected today I see it has been much longer.  I did delete some comments.  Please, this is not a dating site and your comments linking to a dating site will be deleted. 

The last couple weeks have gone by so fast.  Tomorrow is Tony and my one year anniversary of getting legally married.  It will also mark us being together for 26 years.  That's a long time.  We will go out for supper, in fact I made a reservation at a nice steak restaurant.  Broke down and went to my old doctor on Monday that I used to see before she left the practice she was at.  Got the meds I wanted and also a referral to a back specialist since my back is not getting any better the last few weeks getting worse.  I had back problems about 15 years ago and even had an MRI and shots.  All seemed to get better until recently and I feel it is time to revisit my back and see what my options are.  I know surgery is a last resort because my mom is still not happy with her recent back surgery.  I take pain pills for my back but I am starting to think they don't work as good and I have to find a different option before I become more dependent on them to relieve the pain.  Not sure there is an option other than surgery but that is why I went to see a specialist.  Will make the appointment hopefully next week.  I did look up the doctor online and looked over his profile.

The dogs are all doing great.  I found some pictures of the dogs I had not seen before, picture that were taken when they were surrendered from the terrible treatment they were getting.  Breaks my heart and adds more insight into why they act the way they do.  You can see more on Facebook at their site called:  Rose and Casper. 

I have been very good about still going on the treadmill at least four out of five days a week.  I do two miles on the treadmill and it takes me about 40 minutes.  I bring the dogs into the basement and let them chew on butcher bones while I walk the treadmill.  They look forward to my work out each morning for their bones.   Takes a couple days with each bone to get it chewed off and no longer wanted.  I am so happy with myself after I finish my two miles.  Some mornings I have to push myself and say 'just at least do one mile'.  I always end up doing the entire two miles and that makes me feel good. 

I have been dealing with my issues of death and dying by basically trying not to think about it.  I know it doesn't solve my issues with death and makes me feel like I am burring my head in the sand.  With that said, what more is there to deal with?  It will happen some day.   I tried to reason with my dog Casper the other day that is afraid of everything and everyone that if he stops being so afraid I will also.  Will see how that works going forward.

It did get to 50 degrees today.  I want Spring or Summer so bad.  Of course the wind shifts directions this weekend and Sunday is suppose to be below freezing and maybe snow again.  All the snow is gone from the yard and I even have the pond pump going for the fish that did survive the Winter. 

March is flying by.  Seems whether I keep busy or do nothing, time goes so fast.

March 4, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

I can not believe it is March already.  The good thing about this is soon it might start getting warmer.  In fact after we come out of this weeks cold we should actually be in the 40s next week.  Can you just hear the excitement in me as I wrote that?  Honestly I am so sick of this Winter it will seem like a heat wave.  Just have to make it through this week.  We have not seen 40 since January.

The thought of Spring and warmer weather does so much for one's mind.  I read the comment from my last post and agree 100 percent.   I do wish I had a therapist to talk to.  I have had NO luck and talked with many throughout my 53 years.  Heck, my parents took me to one back in high school when they found out I had feelings for a teacher in school.  One of the last therapists told me he couldn't help me because I choose to be unhappy.  I don't choose this in any way.  In fact the past week I have done a lot of thinking.  Like the comment read, why worry about something that is going to happen yet I have no control over it.  This of course is easier said than done but I need to go back to my code word 'stop' when I start going down a destructive path of thinking.  I even thought about bargaining with myself and saying 'if you don't worry about death until 80, you can spent the rest of the years worrying then, if you choose'.   I think this might be my best solution.  Of course I wish I felt young with energy again and my lower back wasn't hurting like it has, but who knows what the future holds.  We did go to a funeral last Saturday for someone I knew from work.  Was sad to see his partner of 37 years hearing all the stories from all the people saying how sorry they were to hear of his loss.  I wonder how he will go on.  I guess we just find a way.

My mom broke down and cried on the phone with my this past Monday.  She had major back surgery about a month ago and is still in a lot of pain and not happy.  She even told me she wishes she did not have the surgery.  I have a bad back also and worry someday mine will give out.  This past week I have had to take a pain pill daily for the pain.  I even told Tony this past weekend after I shoveled more snow that I simply can not shovel snow anymore.  I had an MRI years ago showing my lower back was falling apart.  Even tried shots to help and the doctor couldn't get the needle between the bones. 

The dogs are doing great.  They really are my happiness.  I can look down at them and smile any time of the day.  I hate even leaving the house because they bring me the most happiness.  I did force myself to drive to the AIDS Resource Center today to get some free bread for us and the outdoor animals that I feed nightly.  I had some bread left and will have to go again next week to pick up my monthly HIV meds.  Was nice to get out of the house but I just feel so fearful of everything when I drive.  I drive like an old man, slow, both hands on the wheel. 

So now it is going on 4:30 PM and I have to decide if I am going to make salads and warm up last night's BBQ beef and mac and cheese, or go out for a cheap hamburger.  We have not gone out for Wednesday cheap hamburgers in months because of the cold.  It is still only 10 degrees outside but somehow the sound of a drink and going out sounds good. 

I am going to continue to try to improve myself in any way.  I think I need to make a lot of life changes, all scary to think about.  The first being to stop thinking about death and things I have no control over.  With a little help from the weather I might be able to do it.  I wish I could stop time.