March 4, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

I can not believe it is March already.  The good thing about this is soon it might start getting warmer.  In fact after we come out of this weeks cold we should actually be in the 40s next week.  Can you just hear the excitement in me as I wrote that?  Honestly I am so sick of this Winter it will seem like a heat wave.  Just have to make it through this week.  We have not seen 40 since January.

The thought of Spring and warmer weather does so much for one's mind.  I read the comment from my last post and agree 100 percent.   I do wish I had a therapist to talk to.  I have had NO luck and talked with many throughout my 53 years.  Heck, my parents took me to one back in high school when they found out I had feelings for a teacher in school.  One of the last therapists told me he couldn't help me because I choose to be unhappy.  I don't choose this in any way.  In fact the past week I have done a lot of thinking.  Like the comment read, why worry about something that is going to happen yet I have no control over it.  This of course is easier said than done but I need to go back to my code word 'stop' when I start going down a destructive path of thinking.  I even thought about bargaining with myself and saying 'if you don't worry about death until 80, you can spent the rest of the years worrying then, if you choose'.   I think this might be my best solution.  Of course I wish I felt young with energy again and my lower back wasn't hurting like it has, but who knows what the future holds.  We did go to a funeral last Saturday for someone I knew from work.  Was sad to see his partner of 37 years hearing all the stories from all the people saying how sorry they were to hear of his loss.  I wonder how he will go on.  I guess we just find a way.

My mom broke down and cried on the phone with my this past Monday.  She had major back surgery about a month ago and is still in a lot of pain and not happy.  She even told me she wishes she did not have the surgery.  I have a bad back also and worry someday mine will give out.  This past week I have had to take a pain pill daily for the pain.  I even told Tony this past weekend after I shoveled more snow that I simply can not shovel snow anymore.  I had an MRI years ago showing my lower back was falling apart.  Even tried shots to help and the doctor couldn't get the needle between the bones. 

The dogs are doing great.  They really are my happiness.  I can look down at them and smile any time of the day.  I hate even leaving the house because they bring me the most happiness.  I did force myself to drive to the AIDS Resource Center today to get some free bread for us and the outdoor animals that I feed nightly.  I had some bread left and will have to go again next week to pick up my monthly HIV meds.  Was nice to get out of the house but I just feel so fearful of everything when I drive.  I drive like an old man, slow, both hands on the wheel. 

So now it is going on 4:30 PM and I have to decide if I am going to make salads and warm up last night's BBQ beef and mac and cheese, or go out for a cheap hamburger.  We have not gone out for Wednesday cheap hamburgers in months because of the cold.  It is still only 10 degrees outside but somehow the sound of a drink and going out sounds good. 

I am going to continue to try to improve myself in any way.  I think I need to make a lot of life changes, all scary to think about.  The first being to stop thinking about death and things I have no control over.  With a little help from the weather I might be able to do it.  I wish I could stop time.