February 24, 2015 Tuesday Afternoon

Almost two weeks have gone by since my last post.  I feel like I wasted them.

I still am sick.  I can not seem to shake this cold.  One day I feel a bit better only to wake up the next feeling like crap.  I am tired, coughing, sinus hurts, and just feel like going to bed.  I am able to get done the bare minimum like grocery shopping, but I have done little else.  I get the cleaning around the house done, but just the bare minimum.   Leaving the house is hard to do.   It has been very very cold here in Milwaukee and I just can not bring myself to go outside unless I truly have to.   This might come down as one of the coldest February on record.   I did force myself and Tony to go to a fund raiser last Saturday night for Pit Bulls, but we only stayed an hour and a half and came home.

My thoughts of death and dying are still filling my head daily.  In fact we have a funeral of a guy I knew that we have to go to this Saturday. Guy had a heart attach.  Been with his husband for 37 years.  Things like this scare me.  If something happened to Tony how would I have the strength to go on?  How could I do it all on my own?  I know many do it alone.  I have never and do not look forward to the day one of us dies and the other has to do everything and go on with life.  I find myself thinking of the past and crying that the time has gone by so fast and is slipping so fast from my grasp each day.  No matter if I do nothing, or keep my day packed with activity, the day is gone before I know it never to come back or be able to us again.  My parents health has not gotten much better in the past two weeks.  Mom puts on a brave front but I can tell she is still in a lot of pain since her back surgery.  The dogs are all doing great.  I guess I should be happy about that.  Rose did go to work today for the morning with Tony since it was 10 degrees this morning.  I frickin heat wave lately and she had to go to get out of the house for just one day.  She has not gone to work with Tony for about two weeks now due to the cold.  The other dogs have to just wait for Summer.  I have no ambition to take a dog for a walk in this cold.  Thankfully they have the side yard.  I do have to go out daily and pick up five dogs worth of dog poop. 

I wish I had ambition.  Any ambition.  I just feel like I want to do nothing.  Is it this long Winter?  Am I in a state of depression getting worse?  I feel cold all the time.  Shiver cold.  Can't get warm cold.  I wish I could sit in a sauna for a while to warm my body until Spring gets here.  I've been in a state of funk like this before but this one seems deeper and lasting longer with no end in sight.  All this has caused pain and tightness in my shoulders.  My lower back has also been hurting and I am not sure why since I do so little.  Lately washing the dogs is out of the question because even that makes my back hurt a lot for days after.   Anyone got any suggestions on how to get out of this funk of depression?  Any books you have read?  I am trying to read the book I bought called God Is My Ketchup, but just not getting into the book.   Seems too religious to me and I am not there yet.