February 9, 2015 Monday Morning

Having a rough morning today.  I have spent most of the morning in deep thought about death, dying, being alone, the pain and suffering in the end stage of life, and how will I manage when I get old if I am alone with no Tony or someone to take care of me.  These thoughts have been getting worse as this Winter has gone on.  I see my life slipping away into old age. 

Tony and I have been watching old movies and videos from when we started going out to now.  I have been taking all the VHS videos and putting them in digital format to last forever.  We are only up to watching up to 1997 and all the trips we took to Florida, the Bahama's and San Francisco.  I get sad watching the videos because I don't know where all the time went.  I also remember how much energy I had and fear of death was something I just didn't seem to have to deal with.  So maybe the depressed state I am in today has to do with looking back on my life.  I have said many times I would not change a thing.  I just want to go back and do it all over again and be able to tell myself to just enjoy the moment.  Maybe I should take that advice now?

Today's depressed mood and tears could have something to do with the fact we went to my parents home yesterday.   My parents are now 79 and 81 years old and not getting any better in health.  In fact my mom just a week ago had back surgery and my dad is starting to have health issues of his own.  It was dads 81st birthday.  Mom is on strong pain meds and just came home Saturday from rehab due to the back surgery and managing the pain.  I see my parents getting very old and their time coming to an end.  Of course this all means my life is coming closer to the end also.  As I left their house we had a discussion of how much time they think they have left.  Dad said five years.  I looked at them and said 'I sure hope not because I only see you about four times a year and that means I only have 20 more times to see you before your dead'?   Even typing that makes me cry.  Time is moving so damn fast and lately I can't seem to make it slow down.  No matter if I spend the day doing nothing or fill the day with activities, in the end, the day is always gone ... fast.  

Maybe it is also the fact the Kali goes in for dental surgery tomorrow.  She is 15 1/2 years old and the odds can be against her because the vet will need to put her under and that is a risk at her advanced age and with her heart condition.  I am spending the day making sure I say all my good byes and everything just in case she does not make it though tomorrows surgery.  Kali has been by my side for all six dogs that I had to put down.  She went to work with me.  She was there for me when I found out I was HIV and had AIDS.  She got me though the hardest and best parts of my life and can not believe I might have to say goodbye.   Kali's teeth are so bad if I don't take care of them now and she lives a couple more years, they will be horrible in at that time.  Plus in a year she will not make it through surgery.  Tomorrow will be a nail biter of a day waiting to pick her up.

I have for over a year now been wanting to write a letter to my old self to open when I get old and close to death.  I just can not bring myself to do it even though I want to do it so bad.  I want to tell myself that I had a good life, was happy, and did have love with Tony and all the dogs I was blessed with.  I think this is another reason why I have been making sure all our videos from the years are preserved so I can watch them as I am old and dying on my death bed someday.  That is how I want to go ... watching videos of all the dogs I was lucky enough to have in my life and love.   I have to force myself to write this letter since it really means a lot for me to do. 

So, sorry to log on and put all my sorrow and depression on you.  I guess it is good therapy for me to write this down and let myself see the good and bad in my life.  I wish it was warmer outside because I could really use a mind cleaning walk along the river.  If anyone can recommend any book on death or depression that have helped you cope with death and dying, please let me know.