February 24, 2015 Tuesday Afternoon

Almost two weeks have gone by since my last post.  I feel like I wasted them.

I still am sick.  I can not seem to shake this cold.  One day I feel a bit better only to wake up the next feeling like crap.  I am tired, coughing, sinus hurts, and just feel like going to bed.  I am able to get done the bare minimum like grocery shopping, but I have done little else.  I get the cleaning around the house done, but just the bare minimum.   Leaving the house is hard to do.   It has been very very cold here in Milwaukee and I just can not bring myself to go outside unless I truly have to.   This might come down as one of the coldest February on record.   I did force myself and Tony to go to a fund raiser last Saturday night for Pit Bulls, but we only stayed an hour and a half and came home.

My thoughts of death and dying are still filling my head daily.  In fact we have a funeral of a guy I knew that we have to go to this Saturday. Guy had a heart attach.  Been with his husband for 37 years.  Things like this scare me.  If something happened to Tony how would I have the strength to go on?  How could I do it all on my own?  I know many do it alone.  I have never and do not look forward to the day one of us dies and the other has to do everything and go on with life.  I find myself thinking of the past and crying that the time has gone by so fast and is slipping so fast from my grasp each day.  No matter if I do nothing, or keep my day packed with activity, the day is gone before I know it never to come back or be able to us again.  My parents health has not gotten much better in the past two weeks.  Mom puts on a brave front but I can tell she is still in a lot of pain since her back surgery.  The dogs are all doing great.  I guess I should be happy about that.  Rose did go to work today for the morning with Tony since it was 10 degrees this morning.  I frickin heat wave lately and she had to go to get out of the house for just one day.  She has not gone to work with Tony for about two weeks now due to the cold.  The other dogs have to just wait for Summer.  I have no ambition to take a dog for a walk in this cold.  Thankfully they have the side yard.  I do have to go out daily and pick up five dogs worth of dog poop. 

I wish I had ambition.  Any ambition.  I just feel like I want to do nothing.  Is it this long Winter?  Am I in a state of depression getting worse?  I feel cold all the time.  Shiver cold.  Can't get warm cold.  I wish I could sit in a sauna for a while to warm my body until Spring gets here.  I've been in a state of funk like this before but this one seems deeper and lasting longer with no end in sight.  All this has caused pain and tightness in my shoulders.  My lower back has also been hurting and I am not sure why since I do so little.  Lately washing the dogs is out of the question because even that makes my back hurt a lot for days after.   Anyone got any suggestions on how to get out of this funk of depression?  Any books you have read?  I am trying to read the book I bought called God Is My Ketchup, but just not getting into the book.   Seems too religious to me and I am not there yet. 

February 12, 2015 Thursday Morning

Kali made it through her dental surgery.  She had six teeth pulled.  I picked her up earlier than most dogs who have had this surgery due to the fact she was awake and ready to go.  Even the vet was surprised because of her advanced age.  She should have slept the day away.  She did come home and sleep the night soundly after her pain pill.

I am sick.  Just the common cold everyone gets this time of year.  Coughing, sinus hurts, feeling like crap.  Spent most of the day yesterday on the couch watching old videos from 1994 to 2001 of the dogs.  Makes me sad the time went so fast.  I will spend most of the day on the couch again today. 

A follower sent me an email and I thought you might find this interesting.  Healthline has compiled a list of the Effects of HIV in a visual graphic.   I was sent the following link and I thought my followers would be interested in seeing the information.

You can check out the information at http://www.healthline.com/health/hiv-aids/effects-on-body

February 9, 2015 Monday Morning

Having a rough morning today.  I have spent most of the morning in deep thought about death, dying, being alone, the pain and suffering in the end stage of life, and how will I manage when I get old if I am alone with no Tony or someone to take care of me.  These thoughts have been getting worse as this Winter has gone on.  I see my life slipping away into old age. 

Tony and I have been watching old movies and videos from when we started going out to now.  I have been taking all the VHS videos and putting them in digital format to last forever.  We are only up to watching up to 1997 and all the trips we took to Florida, the Bahama's and San Francisco.  I get sad watching the videos because I don't know where all the time went.  I also remember how much energy I had and fear of death was something I just didn't seem to have to deal with.  So maybe the depressed state I am in today has to do with looking back on my life.  I have said many times I would not change a thing.  I just want to go back and do it all over again and be able to tell myself to just enjoy the moment.  Maybe I should take that advice now?

Today's depressed mood and tears could have something to do with the fact we went to my parents home yesterday.   My parents are now 79 and 81 years old and not getting any better in health.  In fact my mom just a week ago had back surgery and my dad is starting to have health issues of his own.  It was dads 81st birthday.  Mom is on strong pain meds and just came home Saturday from rehab due to the back surgery and managing the pain.  I see my parents getting very old and their time coming to an end.  Of course this all means my life is coming closer to the end also.  As I left their house we had a discussion of how much time they think they have left.  Dad said five years.  I looked at them and said 'I sure hope not because I only see you about four times a year and that means I only have 20 more times to see you before your dead'?   Even typing that makes me cry.  Time is moving so damn fast and lately I can't seem to make it slow down.  No matter if I spend the day doing nothing or fill the day with activities, in the end, the day is always gone ... fast.  

Maybe it is also the fact the Kali goes in for dental surgery tomorrow.  She is 15 1/2 years old and the odds can be against her because the vet will need to put her under and that is a risk at her advanced age and with her heart condition.  I am spending the day making sure I say all my good byes and everything just in case she does not make it though tomorrows surgery.  Kali has been by my side for all six dogs that I had to put down.  She went to work with me.  She was there for me when I found out I was HIV and had AIDS.  She got me though the hardest and best parts of my life and can not believe I might have to say goodbye.   Kali's teeth are so bad if I don't take care of them now and she lives a couple more years, they will be horrible in at that time.  Plus in a year she will not make it through surgery.  Tomorrow will be a nail biter of a day waiting to pick her up.

I have for over a year now been wanting to write a letter to my old self to open when I get old and close to death.  I just can not bring myself to do it even though I want to do it so bad.  I want to tell myself that I had a good life, was happy, and did have love with Tony and all the dogs I was blessed with.  I think this is another reason why I have been making sure all our videos from the years are preserved so I can watch them as I am old and dying on my death bed someday.  That is how I want to go ... watching videos of all the dogs I was lucky enough to have in my life and love.   I have to force myself to write this letter since it really means a lot for me to do. 

So, sorry to log on and put all my sorrow and depression on you.  I guess it is good therapy for me to write this down and let myself see the good and bad in my life.  I wish it was warmer outside because I could really use a mind cleaning walk along the river.  If anyone can recommend any book on death or depression that have helped you cope with death and dying, please let me know.