+75per.JPG)
What a difference time, and an anti depressant can make in one's life.
Merry Christmas to everyone. Guess if your reading this we all made it through the holidays. I was not looking forward to going to my family's house this year due to them all being Trump supporters but it all turned out OK. Did not spend as much time at my family's home as usual but that was good this year. Stayed away from any political talking. We did have a great time at Tony's family Christmas Eve playing Cards Against Humanity.
I am now taking 25 mg of my anti depressant twice daily. My doctor thinks we should stay at this dose since it has made such an impact on my quality of life. I have stopped crying or thinking about sad thoughts, and look at life half full, rather than half empty. I continue to walk the dogs almost daily for my health as well as theirs. It has been cold here in Milwaukee and walks have been limited to when it is over 30 degrees. Thankfully more days than not have been over 30 degrees so everyone is walked and happy.
I do have to set the record straight on a comment I received on my last post. The comment was totally off on all accounts. My dogs are what I live for. If I did not have my dogs I would not be a happy person. All our dogs get along great and no one is shorted any attention. If you follow their Facebook page Rose and Casper you will see they spend most of their hours on top of each other in a dog pile because they truly love each other and happy to have each other. No one is slighted in any way. Six dogs might be a lot and more than planned, but everyone is well fed and loved equally. Also, I walk some dogs two at a time and others, that don't walk as well yet by themselves, for their safety. When you live in the city a stray dog can come out at any time. If I have more than two dogs I do not feel I can properly protect MY dogs. So it is by choice I walk them one at a time or two at a time. It also gives them one on one time with me.
Tony also has changed in the past month since out 'correction'. I still have not brought him his plate of food since his rude request last post. I now make up his plate and tell him it is ready. It has been good for both of us to be honest. Know that when I vent about Tony it is with love. We have been together going on 28 years. If you have not been with anyone for even close to that amount of time I seriously doubt you can give me relationship advice. No relationship is perfect but when someone stands by you through the good times and bad, you remember these things and look past their faults.
I get my results back this Friday from the memory test I took a few weeks ago. I did not do well on the test and think my short term memory is a problem getting worse as time goes on.
I am still seeing my therapist weekly or every two weeks. It helps to talk through things. So I am helping ME by taking the steps to get help with therapy and anti depressants. I am proud of myself in that respect. I hope I continue to make changes in the coming year.
I am not looking forward to 2017. I am very fearful of the new administration. I think Trump and everyone he has hired are going to ruin this county and get rich in the process. I fear for my social security, my ADAP, my medicare, as well as Tony's health insurance with a pre existing condition. When we look back in the years to come there will be no one to blame but the Republican's. No Obama or Hillary to blame things on. Should be a bumpy ride.
All the dogs are doing great. Vito had a stroke / vestibular disease about a month ago. I was fearful we would loose him but he pulled through and is back to walking around the block when the weather permits. Took him for a long walk with Bo yesterday.
Happy New Year to everyone. Hope you had a good 2016 and wishing you a better 2017.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Friday, November 11, 2016
November 11, 2016 Friday Afternoon
It has been quite a hard week.
I finally last week saw a licensed psychologist that thought I really could be helped with an anti depressant. I am so hesitant to go on one not only because of the stigma when you tell any doctor your meds and include and anti depressant as well as the side effects I know come with them. I have been on them twice in the past and was not happy with the results. Over 15 or more years ago.
I said I would give it a try since I would not be sitting in her office if I didn't know something was just not right. She put me on Venlafaxine. Started me on a half pill twice a day so that is 12.5 mg each dose for a total of 25 mg a day. I eventually would be up to 75 mg a day which at this point kind of scares me. I say this because this morning, being the fourth day on the meds I honestly thought I was freaking out. Had a bad panic attach this morning after listening to the news. Now this all might be because of this election which scares the hell out of me.
I am under review for social security for AIDS. I could loose my social security and that would make me have to buy healthcare through the Affordable Healthcare Law which Trump has vowed to dismantle. So I could be without health insurance very soon. Meds are about $2000 a month for my AIDS.
I could also be considered a second class citizen because Trump has also vowed to make our marriage null and void. All this has cause me so much stress I have eaten very little all week. Slept very little all week. Have had a huge fight with Tony. And cause me to break down several times.
The huge fight with Tony is due to me seeing a councilor also the past few weeks. As I talk to her and tell her things I am surprised how I have settled and honestly how sad our marriage has gotten. We don't talk much, at least he doesn't. When I ask Tony 'How was your day', I get "Fine" "How was yours". Unless I then tell him anything that happened that is it for conversation lately. Passion?
What is that? I told Tony this morning I feel more like roommates than husbands lately.
What started this was the other night when I bought Tony his plate of supper like I usually do, he a little while later spilled some of his crystal light on himself and looked at me and snapped 'if you can't bring me my plate of food with a napkin, don't bring me my damn plate of food'. I was shocked. I looked at him and asked him what he said and he repeated it. I than looked him in the eye and told him I would never never never bring him a plate of food ever again. I am not his waiter or servant. What shocked me the most was how he looked and sounded like his father and that is not a good thing. We fought all night and have said little to each other until this morning when I told him how unhappy I was with our marriage and suggested counseling for the both of us.
So long story short, my life is a mess, but I am getting help.
The six dogs are all doing good. I do walk them at least once a day, most days twice. Morning and late afternoon. That is a lot of walking because I take them one at a time a few times around the block. My grandma swore walking kept her alive until 98 and I believe it was a factor. Keep moving.
The weather has been warmer than usual and I will not be happy with Winter does finally get her.
If anyone has any experience taking the anti depressant Venlafaxine I would love to hear if it worked or any concerns you had.
I finally last week saw a licensed psychologist that thought I really could be helped with an anti depressant. I am so hesitant to go on one not only because of the stigma when you tell any doctor your meds and include and anti depressant as well as the side effects I know come with them. I have been on them twice in the past and was not happy with the results. Over 15 or more years ago.
I said I would give it a try since I would not be sitting in her office if I didn't know something was just not right. She put me on Venlafaxine. Started me on a half pill twice a day so that is 12.5 mg each dose for a total of 25 mg a day. I eventually would be up to 75 mg a day which at this point kind of scares me. I say this because this morning, being the fourth day on the meds I honestly thought I was freaking out. Had a bad panic attach this morning after listening to the news. Now this all might be because of this election which scares the hell out of me.
I am under review for social security for AIDS. I could loose my social security and that would make me have to buy healthcare through the Affordable Healthcare Law which Trump has vowed to dismantle. So I could be without health insurance very soon. Meds are about $2000 a month for my AIDS.
I could also be considered a second class citizen because Trump has also vowed to make our marriage null and void. All this has cause me so much stress I have eaten very little all week. Slept very little all week. Have had a huge fight with Tony. And cause me to break down several times.
The huge fight with Tony is due to me seeing a councilor also the past few weeks. As I talk to her and tell her things I am surprised how I have settled and honestly how sad our marriage has gotten. We don't talk much, at least he doesn't. When I ask Tony 'How was your day', I get "Fine" "How was yours". Unless I then tell him anything that happened that is it for conversation lately. Passion?
What is that? I told Tony this morning I feel more like roommates than husbands lately.
What started this was the other night when I bought Tony his plate of supper like I usually do, he a little while later spilled some of his crystal light on himself and looked at me and snapped 'if you can't bring me my plate of food with a napkin, don't bring me my damn plate of food'. I was shocked. I looked at him and asked him what he said and he repeated it. I than looked him in the eye and told him I would never never never bring him a plate of food ever again. I am not his waiter or servant. What shocked me the most was how he looked and sounded like his father and that is not a good thing. We fought all night and have said little to each other until this morning when I told him how unhappy I was with our marriage and suggested counseling for the both of us.
So long story short, my life is a mess, but I am getting help.
The six dogs are all doing good. I do walk them at least once a day, most days twice. Morning and late afternoon. That is a lot of walking because I take them one at a time a few times around the block. My grandma swore walking kept her alive until 98 and I believe it was a factor. Keep moving.
The weather has been warmer than usual and I will not be happy with Winter does finally get her.
If anyone has any experience taking the anti depressant Venlafaxine I would love to hear if it worked or any concerns you had.
Friday, October 21, 2016
October 21, 2016 Friday Morning
Hello. I am still alive and getting through life.
My followers will be happy to know I finally broke down and made an appointment and went to the appointment last week Monday with a counselor at ARCW here in Milwaukee. We started a health assessment and the counselor thinks I should see a shrink and likely get on some mild depression meds. She is sending a recommendation so I can see the person there at the office. They will then test me for depression which she feels I have at this point. It took a lot to finally get in there but I am proud I made these first steps. I see her again next week and the shrink and testing will be some time down the road. I simply can not cry as much as I do doing a day. I can not go through life thinking about death and dying daily.
I got a letter this week from social security asking me to update my information and health records to see if my benefits will continue or be cut. I am some days honestly just not able to work. Most days. Especially the ones where I start off the day throwing up bile in the sink at 6 AM. Not sure what job will let me take a nap from 1 - 3 daily. I would then loose my Medicare and health insurance so I am very scared. When I originally was awarded SS it was for 5 - 7 years and then to be reviewed. I am at the end of my seventh year.
The nice Summer weather has come to an end. I do not mind the 50s or 60s, but when it starts to get to the 40s and lower it makes it very difficult to get the energy to go outside and walk the dogs. The dogs are all doing great, all six of them. I took a picture recently of them all in the Packer Jerseys for this years Christmas card. Here it is.
My followers will be happy to know I finally broke down and made an appointment and went to the appointment last week Monday with a counselor at ARCW here in Milwaukee. We started a health assessment and the counselor thinks I should see a shrink and likely get on some mild depression meds. She is sending a recommendation so I can see the person there at the office. They will then test me for depression which she feels I have at this point. It took a lot to finally get in there but I am proud I made these first steps. I see her again next week and the shrink and testing will be some time down the road. I simply can not cry as much as I do doing a day. I can not go through life thinking about death and dying daily.
I got a letter this week from social security asking me to update my information and health records to see if my benefits will continue or be cut. I am some days honestly just not able to work. Most days. Especially the ones where I start off the day throwing up bile in the sink at 6 AM. Not sure what job will let me take a nap from 1 - 3 daily. I would then loose my Medicare and health insurance so I am very scared. When I originally was awarded SS it was for 5 - 7 years and then to be reviewed. I am at the end of my seventh year.
The nice Summer weather has come to an end. I do not mind the 50s or 60s, but when it starts to get to the 40s and lower it makes it very difficult to get the energy to go outside and walk the dogs. The dogs are all doing great, all six of them. I took a picture recently of them all in the Packer Jerseys for this years Christmas card. Here it is.
Is that cute as hell or what?
So, I am still pretty much the same mentally and physically, the best news is I am starting therapy to help with my depression and sadness. Will let you know how this works as we go along this new path. I am not opposed to depression meds, but have used them in the past with not good results. My counselor says the meds have come a long way from when I was taking them 20 years ago.
Hope you are all doing well. Please stop posting silly cures or home remedies. I will just delete them.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
August 17, 2016 - Wednesday Early Afternoon
Note: If you comment and post about a cure I will delete it. Until a scientific cure is found I will not post false hope or information even as comments.
It has been a while since I posted. I just spent the past half hour deleting comments about quack doctors and cures. The past couple months have gone so fast and so much has happened. A few weeks after Kali died we found another Pit Bull. We were on our way home July 9th from a family picnic with Rose in the back of the car about a mile from home when I saw her running across the boulevard. We circled back and stopped a house ahead of her. I walked right up to her and she did not run. I then went back to the car and got Rose's leash and went back and looped it around her neck. What do I do now? I don't know this dog and we have Rose in the car. She followed me to the car and I got in and let her sit on the floor in front of me. Neither Rose or her seemed to care. I told Tony to drive home quickly. On that Monday I took her to the vet to find out she was chipped and the owner was contacted. Owners information could not be given to us per the owners paperwork. After three days, three calls, and three times being told 'I work until 6 PM', no one contacted us and we started our search for her forever home. I refuse to take her to a shelter and have her locked in a cell where her personality will never shine. She is sweet. Has not hurt anyone. Actually trained better than my dogs. lol. We did have a house divided again for two weeks. As I sit here typing this she still is here. Yes, we now again have six dogs, four being Pit Bulls. I am not proud of this or ever dreamed of having this situation. Unfortunately because of other people being irresponsible pet owners, I am stuck with their burden. Her name is Armani and she is a two year old spayed female:
Note: If you comment and post about a cure I will delete it. Until a scientific cure is found I will not post false hope or information even as comments.
It has been a while since I posted. I just spent the past half hour deleting comments about quack doctors and cures. The past couple months have gone so fast and so much has happened. A few weeks after Kali died we found another Pit Bull. We were on our way home July 9th from a family picnic with Rose in the back of the car about a mile from home when I saw her running across the boulevard. We circled back and stopped a house ahead of her. I walked right up to her and she did not run. I then went back to the car and got Rose's leash and went back and looped it around her neck. What do I do now? I don't know this dog and we have Rose in the car. She followed me to the car and I got in and let her sit on the floor in front of me. Neither Rose or her seemed to care. I told Tony to drive home quickly. On that Monday I took her to the vet to find out she was chipped and the owner was contacted. Owners information could not be given to us per the owners paperwork. After three days, three calls, and three times being told 'I work until 6 PM', no one contacted us and we started our search for her forever home. I refuse to take her to a shelter and have her locked in a cell where her personality will never shine. She is sweet. Has not hurt anyone. Actually trained better than my dogs. lol. We did have a house divided again for two weeks. As I sit here typing this she still is here. Yes, we now again have six dogs, four being Pit Bulls. I am not proud of this or ever dreamed of having this situation. Unfortunately because of other people being irresponsible pet owners, I am stuck with their burden. Her name is Armani and she is a two year old spayed female:
Tony still takes Rose to work, but that still leaves me five dogs to walk each morning.
We thought we were going to loose Vito a week after my last post. He went through two bad weeks and we even had 'the day' scheduled before trying one more antibiotic. It worked and Vito is back to his diabetic blind 13 year old self.
Armani does have issues (the recent found dog). Something about dark and moving things in almost dark bothers her. I honestly think she was put in a dark basement with a bad dog. She freaks to the point where I am afraid she will bite one of the other dogs from a bad memory, only when we are going to bed at night. I have been making her sleep on the love seat in an enclosure next to the bed since we got her. I just can not trust her. Something about the TV being on, the ceiling fan, that kind of atmosphere, freaks her out. She is very tense with the other dogs. Naps are fine, go figure. It is just at night, with the TV on. That light beings something out of her I am not sure of.
I have been doing OK health wise. My only complaint right now is having to pee every two hours day or night. I can not go more than that time. Even doubled my meds for this problem and will address with my doctor in a month when I see him. I am up by 5:30 AM, sometimes still throwing up, feed the dogs by 6:30 AM. Tony leaves for work with Rose around 7 AM. By 10 AM I have walked all the dogs for at least an hour around the block. It has been a very hot Summer so I have been working them from about 8 AM daily before the heat sets in. After that I am just mush. The heat makes me just want to sleep. On our way to hottest Summer here in Milwaukee. Spend the rest of the morning doing things around the house or running an errand. By 1 PM I nap until 3 PM and then wake up and start my day over again. I do enjoy my naps with the dogs and notice a difference when I am not able to some days.
Tony is doing good. Be careful what one asks for. I have been for years badgering Tony about taking a day off, a week off, any time off. On your death bed you are not going to wish you worked one more day I tell him. Last week he comes home telling me he is taking the last two weeks of August through Labor day off. Two weeks. We will kill each other. LOL
I still feel depressed and think of death from time to time but honestly have been so busy with the dogs to let it go on for much time. Training Toby has been my biggest challenge. I am even working with a trainer's advice and still having problems getting him to walk nice. He just has too much energy. Armani even walks better than him (the dog we recently found ). Posted my July most recent blood results. Doctor was happy as was I with the numbers. I do remember a time when getting through a day didn't feel uphill all day. I am still getting up that hill.
Monday, June 6, 2016
June 6, 2016 Monday Morning
It is June already. The last few weeks have not been good around here. Last week Tuesday on May 31, 2016 I had to say goodbye and euthanize my almost 17 year old dog named Kali.
Kali was my baby. Kali even used to go to work with my years ago. Her health had been in decline and it was truly her time. It just hurts so much to say goodbye to a beloved friend and family member. I spent the last 16 years keep Kali safe. Kali did not suffer in the end. She will be so missed.
Of course this has not helped with my depression. I did try to make an appointment with a counselor at ARCW but I honestly don't like the three they have to offer. I have met them all and counseled with them and eventually we just hit a dead end. I sometimes wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up again. With that said, who would take care of my five dogs I still have? I'm just tired, sad, and spend my days lately in tears thinking about Kali.
Tony has been very good and I wonder how I would ever make it through life without him. I just wish I could be more like him and just move on and not think about the pain and sadness. I thought when Summer came and getting outside it might help with feeling so sad, but it has not. This death has just sent me deeper into depression.
I do go to ARCW again today for a dental appointment and will try again to make an appointment to see someone for counseling.
I was back in physical therapy for my feet again the past 7 weeks. It has helped a bit. I find just changing out my shoes during the day lately is the only thing that gets me through the day on my feet. I had to cancel my last two therapy appointments due to Kali last week. Not sure if I will even reschedule them at this point.
I keep busy around the house. The yard is ready for the Summer. The other dogs are doing OK.
So, I am still here. Still feeling very depressed but making it through life. I did read all the comments from the last post and agree with all of them. I just wish I was happy. I have so much to be happy about, why can't I see it, and be happy. I will look into therapy again today. I need it.
Of course this has not helped with my depression. I did try to make an appointment with a counselor at ARCW but I honestly don't like the three they have to offer. I have met them all and counseled with them and eventually we just hit a dead end. I sometimes wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up again. With that said, who would take care of my five dogs I still have? I'm just tired, sad, and spend my days lately in tears thinking about Kali.
Tony has been very good and I wonder how I would ever make it through life without him. I just wish I could be more like him and just move on and not think about the pain and sadness. I thought when Summer came and getting outside it might help with feeling so sad, but it has not. This death has just sent me deeper into depression.
I do go to ARCW again today for a dental appointment and will try again to make an appointment to see someone for counseling.
I was back in physical therapy for my feet again the past 7 weeks. It has helped a bit. I find just changing out my shoes during the day lately is the only thing that gets me through the day on my feet. I had to cancel my last two therapy appointments due to Kali last week. Not sure if I will even reschedule them at this point.
I keep busy around the house. The yard is ready for the Summer. The other dogs are doing OK.
So, I am still here. Still feeling very depressed but making it through life. I did read all the comments from the last post and agree with all of them. I just wish I was happy. I have so much to be happy about, why can't I see it, and be happy. I will look into therapy again today. I need it.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
April 21, 2016 Thursday Morning
It has been a long time since I posted. I am alive. Life has been more ups and downs as I go through life. I honestly feel I am just going day to day and just trying to make it though each day.
Physically I feel pretty good. If I was to complain about anything health wise it would be the pain in my feet and toes when I walk and the morning bouts with throwing up bile. I have seen my foot doctor again and he had me buy some new foot inserts, which did help a little. There are days I wish I could just have the second and third toes, the two next to the big toe, removed. The bones in my feet just don't track good anymore and some days I can not find a pair of shoes to wear to walk without pain and discomfort. I go back to the food doctor next week and he keeps trying to get me to do cortisone shots. Everything I read on them sound temporary and worse problems down the road. I think the best thing would be for me to loose 10 lbs which would help with the feet, knees and back. The morning bile situation seems to flare up about once a week. I use to be a morning person and now it seems between my bowels and stomach problems I hate the first hour or two of my day. I have found taking a hit of pot around 5 AM helps but then I am stoned for most of the morning with no energy. My prostate still acts up once in a while and I feel pain in that area. Honestly my body just feels like it is falling apart and I am really feeling my age. My grandma used to say that any day you wake up and get out of bed is a good day. I am not sure if that is true.
Mentally I am a mess. I think the reason I don't post as often is because I am tired of talking about my fears of death and dying and I think my readers might also. God I wish I could find a magical book to read to put all my fears aside. I went to a funeral a few months ago and the sermon was about how 'we all suffer at the end'. What a horrible sermon topic. It has been on my mind since. It is my biggest fear along with the fear of life simply ending. I know that sounds weird to some but I just can not fathom this. I read the obits daily looking at the names and wonder how they did it. Maybe the fact I turn 55 this Saturday has my mind more than usual thinking about death and dying. I wish I had a support group or therapist to talk to to be honest. It has caused me a lot of tears and depression lately. When I was 30 I never thought of life ending or death. Now that I have all I need to make me happy the thought of loosing or no longer being alive to enjoy all these things is so scary to me it makes my heart beat fast, I can't breath and I feel a panic attach coming on. I have googled 'afraid to die', 'accepting death' and search words such as that and still I find no book or help to get me through this. I at least have to find a way to stop thinking of death 24 hours a day and being in fear of it. Especially since I honestly can't do anything about it. Anyone have any thoughts or help on this please tell me.
I have been training Toby to walk on a leash nice the last 3 weeks. I had a guy who trains dogs come to the house and show my some techniques. I take Toby out at least twice a day for training in the alley and walks around the block. Toby is a puppy and has way too much energy. I also take Bo and Casper together for a walk around the block almost daily too. The last couple weeks on nice weather days I have been picking up Rose at work around noon and stopping at the dog park with her. Yesterday I was in tears watching her play with a beagle puppy. She is so gentle for a Pit Bull. I was so impressed and such a proud daddy watching my big Pit Bull be the best dog in the park. When we enter all the dogs come to her to say hi. It really has made my day and I plan on getting her today to do the same. The excised is good for the dogs and very good for me. All six dogs are doing good and still alive.
No plans for my Birthday this weekend. I did buy a nice cake yesterday and Tony and I will go out for a nice steak dinner. I laugh as I type this since steak is a favorite of mine but lately does not go through me well and I pay the next morning.
Thankfully the weather is getting warmer here in Milwaukee and I can do things outside. Hopefully that will help with my depression and dark thoughts.
One last thing. I love comments but if you post a comment about a cure from some quack doctor I will delete the post. There is enough bad information out there and this false information helps no one. Please do not post false medical claims on MY blog. Thank you.
Physically I feel pretty good. If I was to complain about anything health wise it would be the pain in my feet and toes when I walk and the morning bouts with throwing up bile. I have seen my foot doctor again and he had me buy some new foot inserts, which did help a little. There are days I wish I could just have the second and third toes, the two next to the big toe, removed. The bones in my feet just don't track good anymore and some days I can not find a pair of shoes to wear to walk without pain and discomfort. I go back to the food doctor next week and he keeps trying to get me to do cortisone shots. Everything I read on them sound temporary and worse problems down the road. I think the best thing would be for me to loose 10 lbs which would help with the feet, knees and back. The morning bile situation seems to flare up about once a week. I use to be a morning person and now it seems between my bowels and stomach problems I hate the first hour or two of my day. I have found taking a hit of pot around 5 AM helps but then I am stoned for most of the morning with no energy. My prostate still acts up once in a while and I feel pain in that area. Honestly my body just feels like it is falling apart and I am really feeling my age. My grandma used to say that any day you wake up and get out of bed is a good day. I am not sure if that is true.
Mentally I am a mess. I think the reason I don't post as often is because I am tired of talking about my fears of death and dying and I think my readers might also. God I wish I could find a magical book to read to put all my fears aside. I went to a funeral a few months ago and the sermon was about how 'we all suffer at the end'. What a horrible sermon topic. It has been on my mind since. It is my biggest fear along with the fear of life simply ending. I know that sounds weird to some but I just can not fathom this. I read the obits daily looking at the names and wonder how they did it. Maybe the fact I turn 55 this Saturday has my mind more than usual thinking about death and dying. I wish I had a support group or therapist to talk to to be honest. It has caused me a lot of tears and depression lately. When I was 30 I never thought of life ending or death. Now that I have all I need to make me happy the thought of loosing or no longer being alive to enjoy all these things is so scary to me it makes my heart beat fast, I can't breath and I feel a panic attach coming on. I have googled 'afraid to die', 'accepting death' and search words such as that and still I find no book or help to get me through this. I at least have to find a way to stop thinking of death 24 hours a day and being in fear of it. Especially since I honestly can't do anything about it. Anyone have any thoughts or help on this please tell me.
I have been training Toby to walk on a leash nice the last 3 weeks. I had a guy who trains dogs come to the house and show my some techniques. I take Toby out at least twice a day for training in the alley and walks around the block. Toby is a puppy and has way too much energy. I also take Bo and Casper together for a walk around the block almost daily too. The last couple weeks on nice weather days I have been picking up Rose at work around noon and stopping at the dog park with her. Yesterday I was in tears watching her play with a beagle puppy. She is so gentle for a Pit Bull. I was so impressed and such a proud daddy watching my big Pit Bull be the best dog in the park. When we enter all the dogs come to her to say hi. It really has made my day and I plan on getting her today to do the same. The excised is good for the dogs and very good for me. All six dogs are doing good and still alive.
No plans for my Birthday this weekend. I did buy a nice cake yesterday and Tony and I will go out for a nice steak dinner. I laugh as I type this since steak is a favorite of mine but lately does not go through me well and I pay the next morning.
Thankfully the weather is getting warmer here in Milwaukee and I can do things outside. Hopefully that will help with my depression and dark thoughts.
One last thing. I love comments but if you post a comment about a cure from some quack doctor I will delete the post. There is enough bad information out there and this false information helps no one. Please do not post false medical claims on MY blog. Thank you.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
March 2, 2016 Wednesday Morning
It has been almost a month since I posted last. I must say as of this posting I am doing quite well. I pause when I say this because it never seems that these 'highs' last very long before another problem or life situation comes along to bring me down. I am happy to enjoy the good times but that little voice in my head always tries to bring me down with thoughts of death and dying. My feet still burn and hurt and I am walking on different shoes during the course of the day. My teeth still have problems and I had to have a crown cemented back on Monday. I see my foot and prostate doctor in two weeks. But, I am alive, and many have it worse.
February was a very above average temperature month here in Wisconsin. We even had a few days during the month above 50 degrees which is unheard of. We did get a few inches of snow yesterday but it sounds like next week will again be in the 50s and the snow will melt away. We don't usually get temps in the 50s until the end of March. Anyone still denying climate change? What humans have done to this planet and continue to do is going to destroy human existence and most of the other animals also. Look how we have changed this planet in say the last 50 years compared to the last 5000 years. Our forests are disappearing, our animals are becoming extinct, the glaciers are melting, and soon it will be too hot to survive on this planet. Hopefully I will be dead and gone by the time we notice these horrible effects and change the world as we know it.
The dogs are all doing great. All six of them. Toby continues to learn how we do things around here and still has been so good I have never regretted keeping him. No, we did not need another dog but Toby is so good with the big and small dogs as well and continues to learn, I honestly don't know what anyone wanted in a dog that he didn't give them. Very sad. I daily look at my dogs and smile as I say to myself "I am the luckiest guy in the world". I really am. Yah, I have AIDS, my future is uncertain, my days range from good to horrible, but I have a happy home that I feel very secure in and happy to just be me in the moment. I don't need fancy dinners or vacations to make me happy. Just looking around at what I all have makes me smile and say 'look what I have made'. I can at any time turn my head to see one or two dogs snuggling with each other or playing. I can look out my window and see the yard and home I have created. Now I just need to keep my depressing thoughts at bay so they do not take over.
Tony and I are doing good. We are coming up on our 27th anniversary the end of March, much less our 2 year wedding anniversary on the same day. I don't know where the time went and sometimes feel my 30s and 40s are just gone and a memory. It feels like I blinked and was in my 50s. What is sad is if I am lucky I will have the amount of time left that Tony and I have had together, left in my life. What is sad to think is how fast those years went and how fast the next 25 or so will go and soon be gone. I will blink again and be on my death bed. Tony and I might not be as romantic as we once were but we still take the time to give each other a kiss goodbye in the morning when Tony goes to work, and snuggle at night in bed before we fall asleep and the dogs get in between us. It is at those times I feel most secure and most happy. Tony in my arms and all my dogs around us. I still read the obits daily and shake my head wondering how they did it, dying, and how sad their lives are over. We only get to go around once. Seems the older I get the more I appreciate life. I was talking to a 23 yr old kid at the pizza store the other day as I waited and was telling him that someday he will blink and be my age. I told him to remember this old guy, me, telling him this 30 years from now. It scares the hell out of me that the years or times are limited when it comes to my parents who are now in their 80s.
I plan on going grocery shopping today. My big event for the day. Actually I have been taking more time to just enjoy the little things I have to do. I have been going to a bigger, fancier grocery store and just taking my time as I shop. Even last week bought a slice of pizza and ate it as I shopped. The store is a bit farther from home, but makes for a much happier grocery experience. It is in the 20s today in Milwaukee so besides grocery shopping and picking up the dog poop outside, that is it for being out doors today.
I was proud of myself last month. Tony was sick two weeks ago on a Saturday, they day of the Pet Expo here in town. I love the event and go every year. Tony was sick and I decided to go anyway by myself. I don't like driving much anymore and don't usually enjoy going to events alone, but pushed myself to go, and damn if I didn't have an enjoyable time. I was just proud I went on my own even though Tony was not there to drive or be by my side. The death of my neighbors husband has gotten me thinking about how I would survive without him. Would not be easy, but I know I would have to go on to take care of our dogs.
So there you have it, another month gone by so fast it makes my head spin. Hopefully another month will not go by before I post again.
February was a very above average temperature month here in Wisconsin. We even had a few days during the month above 50 degrees which is unheard of. We did get a few inches of snow yesterday but it sounds like next week will again be in the 50s and the snow will melt away. We don't usually get temps in the 50s until the end of March. Anyone still denying climate change? What humans have done to this planet and continue to do is going to destroy human existence and most of the other animals also. Look how we have changed this planet in say the last 50 years compared to the last 5000 years. Our forests are disappearing, our animals are becoming extinct, the glaciers are melting, and soon it will be too hot to survive on this planet. Hopefully I will be dead and gone by the time we notice these horrible effects and change the world as we know it.
The dogs are all doing great. All six of them. Toby continues to learn how we do things around here and still has been so good I have never regretted keeping him. No, we did not need another dog but Toby is so good with the big and small dogs as well and continues to learn, I honestly don't know what anyone wanted in a dog that he didn't give them. Very sad. I daily look at my dogs and smile as I say to myself "I am the luckiest guy in the world". I really am. Yah, I have AIDS, my future is uncertain, my days range from good to horrible, but I have a happy home that I feel very secure in and happy to just be me in the moment. I don't need fancy dinners or vacations to make me happy. Just looking around at what I all have makes me smile and say 'look what I have made'. I can at any time turn my head to see one or two dogs snuggling with each other or playing. I can look out my window and see the yard and home I have created. Now I just need to keep my depressing thoughts at bay so they do not take over.
Tony and I are doing good. We are coming up on our 27th anniversary the end of March, much less our 2 year wedding anniversary on the same day. I don't know where the time went and sometimes feel my 30s and 40s are just gone and a memory. It feels like I blinked and was in my 50s. What is sad is if I am lucky I will have the amount of time left that Tony and I have had together, left in my life. What is sad to think is how fast those years went and how fast the next 25 or so will go and soon be gone. I will blink again and be on my death bed. Tony and I might not be as romantic as we once were but we still take the time to give each other a kiss goodbye in the morning when Tony goes to work, and snuggle at night in bed before we fall asleep and the dogs get in between us. It is at those times I feel most secure and most happy. Tony in my arms and all my dogs around us. I still read the obits daily and shake my head wondering how they did it, dying, and how sad their lives are over. We only get to go around once. Seems the older I get the more I appreciate life. I was talking to a 23 yr old kid at the pizza store the other day as I waited and was telling him that someday he will blink and be my age. I told him to remember this old guy, me, telling him this 30 years from now. It scares the hell out of me that the years or times are limited when it comes to my parents who are now in their 80s.
I plan on going grocery shopping today. My big event for the day. Actually I have been taking more time to just enjoy the little things I have to do. I have been going to a bigger, fancier grocery store and just taking my time as I shop. Even last week bought a slice of pizza and ate it as I shopped. The store is a bit farther from home, but makes for a much happier grocery experience. It is in the 20s today in Milwaukee so besides grocery shopping and picking up the dog poop outside, that is it for being out doors today.
I was proud of myself last month. Tony was sick two weeks ago on a Saturday, they day of the Pet Expo here in town. I love the event and go every year. Tony was sick and I decided to go anyway by myself. I don't like driving much anymore and don't usually enjoy going to events alone, but pushed myself to go, and damn if I didn't have an enjoyable time. I was just proud I went on my own even though Tony was not there to drive or be by my side. The death of my neighbors husband has gotten me thinking about how I would survive without him. Would not be easy, but I know I would have to go on to take care of our dogs.
So there you have it, another month gone by so fast it makes my head spin. Hopefully another month will not go by before I post again.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
February 4, 2016 Thursday Afternoon
It has been an interesting couple weeks since I posted last.
Root canal went well or at least as well as a root canal can go. The three days after were very painful as it healed. Was told the tooth was dead and most likely was the cause of all the pain I had over New Years.
That weekend Tony started having stomach pain and was not feeling well.
On that Monday Toby went in and got neutered, which went good. Toby was very good and only needed a cone for the first five days. After that the cone came off and he never once licked his surgery wounds. The night of Toby's surgery Tony went to emergency for his stomach pain. Tony was in the hospital until Thursday late afternoon. All they could come up with is severe colitis, sinus infection and enlarged glands. He also had an enlarged colon from the MRI he had performed. Came home still feeling like crap and spent the weekend getting better. It was not easy holding the house together for four days while Tony was in the hospital. With one dog just having surgery and the others needing attention it was a hard week to get through alone. On Wednesday night while he was in the hospital and my tenant was taking a too high bath, I walked past our lower bathroom to see water pouring out of the ceiling. WTF? Ran upstairs and told tenant to stop doing whatever she was doing. I think she was splashing water over the sides or the over fill is broken. Still have not had time to address and told just to take showers.
On top of Tony's hospital situation I have also been going round and round with his doctors and the pharmacist regarding his Cholesterol medicine. Tony had to switch insurance as of the first of the year and the new policy no longer covered his Vytorin and it would cost $250 a month. Finally got the doctor to pull his chart and see he has tried all the other Cholesterol meds and has even had open heart surgery and needs the drug with a statin. I think I finally got it all straightened out today, three weeks later and about 10 calls to the doctor. It is very had because I handle all this stuff and Tony doesn't even know what he takes or for what when it comes to meds. When you get on the phone with doctors or pharmacy they want to talk to Tony. Finding generic alternatives is not easy and seems the doctor or pharmacist or not much help and you have to do the research on your own. He doesn't understand how all this works and would rather just say 'the hell with it' and go without. I love him too much to let them happen and let him die.
The dogs are all doing great. I took this picture last night. This is the gang.
My health has been good this past week. Besides the being tired and needing a nap daily I got through the last few weeks feeling pretty good. Knock on wood it lasts.
Root canal went well or at least as well as a root canal can go. The three days after were very painful as it healed. Was told the tooth was dead and most likely was the cause of all the pain I had over New Years.
That weekend Tony started having stomach pain and was not feeling well.
On that Monday Toby went in and got neutered, which went good. Toby was very good and only needed a cone for the first five days. After that the cone came off and he never once licked his surgery wounds. The night of Toby's surgery Tony went to emergency for his stomach pain. Tony was in the hospital until Thursday late afternoon. All they could come up with is severe colitis, sinus infection and enlarged glands. He also had an enlarged colon from the MRI he had performed. Came home still feeling like crap and spent the weekend getting better. It was not easy holding the house together for four days while Tony was in the hospital. With one dog just having surgery and the others needing attention it was a hard week to get through alone. On Wednesday night while he was in the hospital and my tenant was taking a too high bath, I walked past our lower bathroom to see water pouring out of the ceiling. WTF? Ran upstairs and told tenant to stop doing whatever she was doing. I think she was splashing water over the sides or the over fill is broken. Still have not had time to address and told just to take showers.
On top of Tony's hospital situation I have also been going round and round with his doctors and the pharmacist regarding his Cholesterol medicine. Tony had to switch insurance as of the first of the year and the new policy no longer covered his Vytorin and it would cost $250 a month. Finally got the doctor to pull his chart and see he has tried all the other Cholesterol meds and has even had open heart surgery and needs the drug with a statin. I think I finally got it all straightened out today, three weeks later and about 10 calls to the doctor. It is very had because I handle all this stuff and Tony doesn't even know what he takes or for what when it comes to meds. When you get on the phone with doctors or pharmacy they want to talk to Tony. Finding generic alternatives is not easy and seems the doctor or pharmacist or not much help and you have to do the research on your own. He doesn't understand how all this works and would rather just say 'the hell with it' and go without. I love him too much to let them happen and let him die.
The dogs are all doing great. I took this picture last night. This is the gang.
My health has been good this past week. Besides the being tired and needing a nap daily I got through the last few weeks feeling pretty good. Knock on wood it lasts.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
January 20, 2016 Wednesday Afternoon
Been a busy and interesting couple weeks since I posted.
The Pit Bull that was found in the neighborhood and we took is still here and no one has claimed him. In the past two weeks I have spent time training him and having him get to know the other dogs. He has been very good and learns very fast. He seems to trust and obey me. Well, last night the fencing and gates came down. The night before last he spent the night on the bed sleeping with Tony and I and the other dogs with a leash on so if I had to control him. Last night he slept on the bed, no leash and was so good. At one point he was snuggled in between Rose and Casper. We have named him Toby. I guess at this point we have no choice but to keep him. I honestly have fallen in love with this dog. Monday he gets neutered and chipped with our names so I guess then he will be officially ours. Of course we all know I needed another dog or challenge in my life like a hole in the head, but what can you do. I have always lived by the thought that the best things in life come when you least expect them. So we now have six dogs. I know, just a couple more and I can be called a hoarder.
Saw my HIV doctor today and discussed all my problems with him. Feet ache to walk on, shoulder and underarm pain, throwing up morning bile, face rash, enlarged prostate, kidney stone, and of course my new numbers. My TCell count went down from 564 to 498, but my percent of good cells increased to 29%. This means they pretty much even themselves out and I am about the same as last blood test. Hell I went all the way back to 333 when I had shingles. A couple items were low in the blood work and I have to go back for another blood draw so the doctor can check some other levels and maybe put me on a vitamin or something to improve my RBC, Hemoglobin, and Hematocrit. I am not sure what they are but they have been decreasing. Was told not to worry, and the new blood test should help him know how to increase the numbers. I am good now until this July.
It has been very very very cold in Wisconsin lately. We had a very mild December and are paying the price now for it. A few days never got above 5 degrees all day. Wind chills at times of more than 20 below. The poor dogs freeze up outside and I have to carry them in.
Tomorrow I finally get the root canal on the tooth that was infected and gave me so much pain over New Years. It has been better with the IBprofin but I can still tell it needs a root canal. So fun fun, tomorrow morning at 9 AM I will be having it performed. I have had many before and know it really is not that bad, just takes forever.
Not much else to say. The dogs have kept me very busy. Getting up at 5 AM, napping from 1 to 3 PM and then going to bed for the day around 10 PM seems to be my schedule lately. It is very hard to make it through a day without a nap.
The Pit Bull that was found in the neighborhood and we took is still here and no one has claimed him. In the past two weeks I have spent time training him and having him get to know the other dogs. He has been very good and learns very fast. He seems to trust and obey me. Well, last night the fencing and gates came down. The night before last he spent the night on the bed sleeping with Tony and I and the other dogs with a leash on so if I had to control him. Last night he slept on the bed, no leash and was so good. At one point he was snuggled in between Rose and Casper. We have named him Toby. I guess at this point we have no choice but to keep him. I honestly have fallen in love with this dog. Monday he gets neutered and chipped with our names so I guess then he will be officially ours. Of course we all know I needed another dog or challenge in my life like a hole in the head, but what can you do. I have always lived by the thought that the best things in life come when you least expect them. So we now have six dogs. I know, just a couple more and I can be called a hoarder.
Saw my HIV doctor today and discussed all my problems with him. Feet ache to walk on, shoulder and underarm pain, throwing up morning bile, face rash, enlarged prostate, kidney stone, and of course my new numbers. My TCell count went down from 564 to 498, but my percent of good cells increased to 29%. This means they pretty much even themselves out and I am about the same as last blood test. Hell I went all the way back to 333 when I had shingles. A couple items were low in the blood work and I have to go back for another blood draw so the doctor can check some other levels and maybe put me on a vitamin or something to improve my RBC, Hemoglobin, and Hematocrit. I am not sure what they are but they have been decreasing. Was told not to worry, and the new blood test should help him know how to increase the numbers. I am good now until this July.
It has been very very very cold in Wisconsin lately. We had a very mild December and are paying the price now for it. A few days never got above 5 degrees all day. Wind chills at times of more than 20 below. The poor dogs freeze up outside and I have to carry them in.
Tomorrow I finally get the root canal on the tooth that was infected and gave me so much pain over New Years. It has been better with the IBprofin but I can still tell it needs a root canal. So fun fun, tomorrow morning at 9 AM I will be having it performed. I have had many before and know it really is not that bad, just takes forever.
Not much else to say. The dogs have kept me very busy. Getting up at 5 AM, napping from 1 to 3 PM and then going to bed for the day around 10 PM seems to be my schedule lately. It is very hard to make it through a day without a nap.
Friday, January 8, 2016
January 8, 2016 Friday Afternoon
I guess I should say Happy New Year. We made it through another year together. I was hoping I would have more time this year to post my feelings and thoughts as well as more of my activities, unfortunately the year has not started out good in that regard.
I have had so much going on I feel like I am ready to explode.
We found a stray dog running around the neighborhood on Christmas Day. He is a Pit Bull over six month old and less than a year. I know this because I had him already to the vet for a urinary infection. He was peeing everywhere and most likely the reason the owner said 'enough' with him. Luckily I have some knowledge and knew something was just not right. Sure enough an infection and two days of antibiotic and he was fine. Yes, he still is here. No one has claimed him. We found him with collar and leash so someone must have been walking him. So sad because he is sweet but needs training. I once again have a house divided with fences and gates to keep him from my other five dogs. I am not sure if he will hurt any of them. Though he has shown really no signs of aggression, he seems to want to play just too hard. And play with biting. I am already trying to get him to stop the biting. We named him Toby and if no one calls on him by January 25 I have an appointment to have him neutered. I can't believe they keep coming to us.
On to the next problem, tooth ache. I ended up getting into my dentist the week of New Years to find out my crown needs a root canal. They sent me to UWM university and a student looked at it this week and confirmed a root canal is needed and scheduled for the end of January. Last weekend waiting for my antibiotic to work I was in so much pain I compare it to Shingles pain. Ended up taking my IBprofin then a person should for the pain as well as pain pills. Of course that has me all blocked up now with my bowels and I haven't shit in a week. If not one thing another. The infection and extreme pain finally stopped last Monday and I have just had to us IBprofin to get through the day.
The weather had been rainy here in Milwaukee and still warmer than usual. If all this rain was snow we would be shoveling daily. We had our warmest December on record. I think that all ends this weekend because the weather is suppose to be high of 12 degrees on Monday and not much better going forward through the week.
So much more I wanted to say but I have to get back to the dogs and things around the house. The dogs are all looking at me here at the computer like 'hey, what about us'.
I have had so much going on I feel like I am ready to explode.
We found a stray dog running around the neighborhood on Christmas Day. He is a Pit Bull over six month old and less than a year. I know this because I had him already to the vet for a urinary infection. He was peeing everywhere and most likely the reason the owner said 'enough' with him. Luckily I have some knowledge and knew something was just not right. Sure enough an infection and two days of antibiotic and he was fine. Yes, he still is here. No one has claimed him. We found him with collar and leash so someone must have been walking him. So sad because he is sweet but needs training. I once again have a house divided with fences and gates to keep him from my other five dogs. I am not sure if he will hurt any of them. Though he has shown really no signs of aggression, he seems to want to play just too hard. And play with biting. I am already trying to get him to stop the biting. We named him Toby and if no one calls on him by January 25 I have an appointment to have him neutered. I can't believe they keep coming to us.
On to the next problem, tooth ache. I ended up getting into my dentist the week of New Years to find out my crown needs a root canal. They sent me to UWM university and a student looked at it this week and confirmed a root canal is needed and scheduled for the end of January. Last weekend waiting for my antibiotic to work I was in so much pain I compare it to Shingles pain. Ended up taking my IBprofin then a person should for the pain as well as pain pills. Of course that has me all blocked up now with my bowels and I haven't shit in a week. If not one thing another. The infection and extreme pain finally stopped last Monday and I have just had to us IBprofin to get through the day.
The weather had been rainy here in Milwaukee and still warmer than usual. If all this rain was snow we would be shoveling daily. We had our warmest December on record. I think that all ends this weekend because the weather is suppose to be high of 12 degrees on Monday and not much better going forward through the week.
So much more I wanted to say but I have to get back to the dogs and things around the house. The dogs are all looking at me here at the computer like 'hey, what about us'.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)