January 6, 2010 Wednesday Morning

Tony left for work early this morning since he was up by 5:30 AM and I got up shortly after 6 AM. So now it is almost 7:30 AM and I have already fed the dogs, watered the plants, straightened up the house and on my second cup of coffee. I have to leave the house today and go to walgreens as well as a local jewelry store since tomorrow we are suppose to get 6 to 9 inches of snow during the day. So I better get everything done today so I can lay low during the storm tomorrow. The minute Tony walks out the door it feels like part of me leaves with him. I feel lonely and alone. Even with four dogs at my feet and all their needs, I still feel lonely when Tony is not home. I wish I was more happy being alone. Tonight we go to see the play Dreamgirls here in Milwaukee. It is the broadway production. I have seen the movie and play in the past. It was on this years yearly subscription. It will be entertaining and who doesn't look forward to the part where she starts singing the main song the made Jennifer Hudson famous. Since it is so early I guess I will shower up and wait for the stores to open and make my rounds. Still have to vacuum the house today and pick up the dog droppings outside before the new snow arrives. I worked Monday a few hours and less yesterday. I took Kali to work with me yesterday since I knew I would not be at work long. She was an angel like always. Went out for dollar tacos last night for dinner. I am so tired of the snow and cold.

I think back to one year ago today. I remember it well. Last year on this date I remember very well leaving a message for my doctor to call me with my blood results from the prior week. I was very much looking forward to hearing I was HIV- and what the blood results determined. It was my last day being HIV- in my mind. The doctor did not return my call that day and it was tomorrow, one year ago that I was informed I needed to come to the doctors office and get those dreaded results. What a year it has been. I think I knew somewhere in my head that the results were not going to be good. I knew something was wrong with my health. Even so, those words...'your results came back positive' are never forgotten.

OK, time to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. My mom sent me a book she read called 'A Travel Guide To Heaven' by Anthony Destefano. Since her and I talk about heaven and death she sent it to me because it gave her great insight. I have read already the first four chapters and trying very hard to keep an open mind. The book is describing Heaven. Well, if I believed in God I guess believing in Heaven would be much easier. Heck, I would love to believe a better life full of color, friends and family, but would a God really let all this suffering happen in the world. It is my biggest stumbling block. What loving God would allow all this suffering? I wish I could resolve all these feelings. I used to say the Lords Prayer prior to going to bed every night until about a year ago. At that point it was the final nail in the 'there can not be a God coffin'. I will finish the book and most likely read a lot today and tomorrow. I will try to keep an open mind, heck, what's the alternative? Darkness and nothing?