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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

October 28, 2014 Tuesday Morning

Found out one of Tony's 89 year old uncles is in the hospice and will not be around much longer.  So Friday night instead of going to a play like we had planned we took his other 87 year old uncle to see his brother in the hospice.  It was priceless.  Both are not doing good and can not hear or remember much these days.  It took them 10 minutes to realize who they were to each other.  Then they were touching and all talking.  Not that either could hear the other.  We stayed for over and hour and then drove the uncle and his care taker home. 

Saturday afternoon Tony and I met my mom and sister at a fund raiser for Pit Bull dogs and foster programs.   Was nice to walk around with family and see all the dogs available to adopt.  Took a nap in the afternoon and went to a costume party Saturday night.   I went as a fork in the road, Tony went as Brawny man.

Didn't stay at the party long but was glad we got our butts off the couch and went to it and saw some friends.
Sunday afternoon we took Tony's uncle again to see his brother.  Stayed for about and hour and a half before taking him back home.  Uncle is doing OK but looked very puffy and we are told it is just a matter of time.  I spent the rest of the day doing things outside in the yard.
Spent all day yesterday doing things around the house, mostly outside.  I did do my usual Monday loads of laundry, but spent must of the day outside blowing and raking leaves.  By the end of the day I was exhausted.  It was a rare 75 degrees yesterday.  Today is in the 50s and we will not see 70s again this year.  Carved our pumpkins last night.  Here they are.

Today I think I will clean the basement.  I have been putting it off and I think today would be a good day. 

I have been a little depressed lately.  I am not sure why.  It once again has to do with death and dying and my end of my life.  I have said before I am scared to death of dying and getting old.  I feel like time is going by too fast.  No matter if I do nothing all day or keep myself busy, the day is over and another year goes by, closer to the end.  I truly am at the happiest point in my life so I don't know where these fears are coming from.  I feel like when I am happy, something bad is going to happen.  Walking on egg shells knowing Kali's days are numbered has not helped.  I have had to work at keeping her eating for the past week or so.  She eats half her food and that is if I feed her and talk to her while she eats.  She also has been breathing heavy from her tumors under her neck.  I know it is just a matter of time since she is over 15 years old.  Been down this path six times now and each time you just wait for the 'right' sign and hope you did the right thing.    The fear of death and dying has also been what keeps me at home.  Fear of getting in an accident or something happening.  Who would take care of my five dogs?   Even just updated our Wills and where the money will go.  So yes, I have death on my mind lately and it is getting me down.  Soon we will have to go to Tony's uncles funeral and they always come in threes it seems.  I just feel secure at home and don't like to venture far from it.  I am safe and have my dogs to talk to and keep me happy.  I know this might not be the best way to live and wish I could find someone to talk to about death and dying.  Anyone. 

Going to write a few emails and then get the day rolling.  Hopefully if I keep busy thoughts of death will not be what I think of.

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