March 19, 2010 Friday Morning

Feeling very depressed and not liking where I am at.

The weather here in Milwaukee has been getting better with spring approaching. It was in the 50s on Wednesday and the 60s yesterday. Of course this is Wisconsin and we are expecting snow tonight and parts of the weekend. By the end of next week it will be in the 50s again. Spend the last two days working around the house, mostly outside. Got the side and back yard looking good. The pond is all up and running, fish all survived the winter freeze. The puppy has been for the most part very good. He seems to make one mistake a day just to test me I think. Other than that with the warmer weather I put a dog door in the side door and the dogs can go out in the secured side yard any time they want when I am home. Bo loves to sit outside and try to catch the birds. Only problem so far is the fact I spend most of my day taking things out of his mouth that he finds in the yard to chew on. Bark chips, leaves and even rocks I am pulling out of his mouth all day. I have dog toys everywhere for him and all the dogs except Barkley take their turns playing with him. He still needs to be attended to all day. Went out for dinner last night with a long time friend of Tony's. Had a nice Mexican dinner at a new local restaurant.

Today I feel .............. sad. Guess that is the word. I hate these highs and lows. I know the lows come when I am bored and do not have a plan or purpose for the day. I try to push myself as much as possible during the day but still find myself needing a short nap in the afternoons. Tony is off to work, I have walked from front to back of the house many times, looked out the window, watched my rabbit eating bird seed under the front bushes, played with Bo, fed the dogs..........now I just feel 'sad'. My sister sent me 3 books called A Case for the Creator, A Case for Faith, and A Case for Christ. I read one full book yesterday and got about 3/4 through the other. She sent them to help me because of my struggles understanding God and religion. The second book I am reading, A Case for Faith, is very good. It is giving me answers to my questions. Still not sure if I can buy into it all. But I am open minded and love reading these books in hope that something sparks and I feel more comfortable with the thought of death. Another reason I am feeling sad or down is because I still have not heard any word from my employer about what took place with her son at work on Monday. I was hoping for a call from her. Not sure what I expect her to say, I know there are things I would like to hear such as that I am wanted and that her son was wrong calling me a whore and telling me he was going to kill me. I guess something said rather than nothing is what is making me mad and sad. I am seriously thinking of putting together the work I have, putting it in an envelope and sending it to her saying I am done and moving on. Of course thanking her for the last years side work and income. I do love her dearly and am very surprised she has not called me. We would usually have talked many times by this time in the week so it is hard to know what she might be thinking. I either have to just go into work on Monday and do what I always do or call and end to it all. I am so torn. On the one hand summer is here and I can enjoy the summer working around the house without having to go to work two days a week, enjoying the summer. On the other hand, mornings like this make me realize I need a purpose in life and being home 7 days a week is not good for the mind. I do enjoy getting out of the house those two days a week and feeling needed, but do I need the stress? So what do I do? Do I shoot myself in the foot letting go a job where I make my own hours a couple days a week making good money because of my pride and fear of her son? Or do I swallow it and continue as things were? For some reason I have developed a rash on my forehead right at the hair line. I am not sure if it is stress or the sun from being outside this week. I really wish someone would help me make this decision. Tony is no help since he tells me to just stay home. Maybe I should put an end to it and start doing some volunteer work instead. Guess I will have to make a decision by Monday. Any help or words of advice are appreciated.