December 24, 2015 Thursday Late Morning

Merry Christmas!  Happy Holidays!  Happy Hanukah! ........

Another Christmas is here.  At times I think how lucky I am to still be here to celebrate Christmas with Tony and our families.  So many were not as fortunate as I to still be here 6 years after being diagnosed with AIDS.  I hope to make some major changes in my life in 2016.  Most involve getting healthier mentally and physically. 

I did get all my Christmas shopping done.  I have very little and did most on the Internet this year.  Tony never shops for anything and I have learned throughout the 26 years to just buy what I want for myself and not fight the fact he just is not a present giving kind of guy.  He learned from his Father.  He and his family give money.  A card with money means more than a present in their family.  I have picked up on that and do sent cash a lot as presents for the nieces and nephews.  Tony and I really don't buy much for each other, if anything.  I have everything I need or want and if there is something I need ...  I buy it.  So what more do I need?  What we do is as we are Christmas shopping for others, anything we buy for ourselves we wrap and open as presents for Christmas.  I have a new pair of Crocs, jeans, and a water mister ready to open.  Tony has a couple pairs of underwear, couple pairs of pants, and got a $300 sawzall  a couple weeks ago that I bought on my credit card on sale.  Also bought a co2 detector for in the basement that I wrapped as a Tony present.  Tonight we will go to Tony's brothers house, tomorrow my parents home.  I have learned through the years that if I expect very little, I have a better time.  Seems if you plans or have this idea of how Christmas or New Years should go, when it doesn't the holiday seems ruined.  So I just learned lately to go with the flow.  It will be over in a blink of an eye anyway.

The dogs are all doing well.  I am very happy to report that Kali made it to Christmas.  I honestly never thought she would being 16 1/2 years old.  She is actually doing very well on just an antacid prior to eating.  You can follow my dogs on Facebook at:   Rose and Casper

The weather has been unbelievable here in Milwaukee.  Yesterday we broke the record for warmest day ever on this date, getting to 58 degrees.  Today it is in the 40's which is still warmer than it should be this time of year.   I am not complaining, just know January is going to be a reality check when we get below zero for a day or two.  It will happen.  Some of our outdoor plants are even beginning to sprout.  Makes you wonder how or why people deny global warming or climate change.  As a kid we had Winters with snow.  This will most likely go on record as the warmest December ever in Wisconsin.

Got a crown put on my tooth this morning and then picked up the hard rolls I order to take to the family Christmas tonight with a large canned ham.  That is our contribution.  Hopefully others will bring something but I won't hold my breathe.  Tony is going to be home early this afternoon and looking forward to the next three days off together.  A nap this afternoon is looking very good at this point. 

I hope to post prior to the new year.
Merry Christmas everyone. 
I wish you all a very healthy and happy holiday season.

December 3, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

Almost a month has gone by since my last post.  I honestly don't know where the time goes.

Thanksgiving was very nice.  We went to my sister's house.  She has a very nice home.  My other sister and her family drove into town also.  All that was missing was my one of two brothers.  Everyone was very pleasant for an afternoon. 

I set up the little Christmas decoration I choose to put out this year.  I think every year I put a little bit less out in decorations.  This year I still have not set up my Christmas village and not sure if I will.  I did drag all the boxes up for it from the basement.  It gets to a point where you just realize time goes so fast that all the setting up and work will be for nothing in about 3 weeks, which is a half a blink.  lol.   I set up our 3 foot Christmas tree and it worked fine for the first day.  Yesterday I turned it on and only half the lights work.  I know they give you extra fuses but have you ever tried to open the plug where you replace them?  Anyone?  I can't get it open.  Think I will leave it as it is since the lights are out evenly and buy a new one after Christmas for next year when they are on sale.  I used to set up our 6 foot high fake tree but haven't in many many years.  It just is collecting dust in the basement.  I have done a little Christmas shopping and would say I am about half finished.  Most of the rest are gift cards so I can get that done fairly quickly. 

I have felt pretty healthy until last weekend when my sinus and teeth started hurting.  Thinking I have a sinus infection since I have had them so many times so today I broke out the prescription of Levoquin I have stock piled and will take it for 10 days.  I get two a year and was due.  I know when it is time to take the antibiotic when my teeth start to ache.  On top of the teeth aching from the sinus infection I also last weekend broke a tooth under a crown from eating some peanut brittle.  I love the stuff but should know better.  So I made an appointment at our HIV clinic and go in tomorrow for it to be checked and have the two cavities looked or worked on also.  The doc only has an hour so we are going to have to pick our battles.  I have another appointment for next Friday and I am sure I will need a couple more.  She only does one thing at a time and I know I have 2 cavities, a broken tooth that will need a new crown and hopefully not have to be pulled, and something painful going on with my lover left side under another crown.  So my teeth are a mess.  It always seems to be like this with my teeth.  I go for a long time OK and then I have a ton of work needed.  I do go to the dentist every six months with them for a cleaning and check.  The last check we found the two cavities. It just took this long for me to finally get in because they are so booked.  Sucks but who else is going to work on an HIV person and at their price scale.

The weather in Wisconsin has been very unseasonably warm.  Climate deniers need to stop denying the facts.  We are in the 40s all this week and might even hit 50 this weekend.  It is December and we should have snow and in the 30s or colder.  January will be a shock when it goes below zero and we are buried in feet of snow. 

Going to take a nap.  Naps seem more needed than ever these days.  Nap time is officially from 1 PM to 3 PM.  The dogs are hinting it is past 1 PM.

November 10, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

Yes, I am alive.  I could not believe the date on my last post.  I am happy to say since my last post life has been OK.  Nothing major bad or good to report.  The best news of all is that Kali is still with us.  I had thought about a month ago that we would be euthanizing her since her health is declining since she is over 16 years old.  I am happy to report that the antacid I have been giving her a half hour before feeding seems to really help with her stomach problems and keeping her food down.  Having to get out of bed at 6 AM to give her a pill before her 6:30 feeding has not been fun.  I some morning find myself throwing up bile for a half hour between 6 and 6:30 AM.   Still have not solved that problem.  I also have switched her to a rice hamburger and some dry food for her breakfast and supper.  I still am just hoping she makes it to Christmas to be honest.  Health wise I am doing ok.  I am still working with my irritable bowel meds trying to get the dose correct.  The current dose has me so plugged lately so I have started this week cutting the pills in half and only take half dose twice daily.  I think it is a better dose, time will tell.  I went from having explosive bowels each morning to blocked and not being able to poo.  I also still have morning bile issues as I stated earlier.  I make a point to eat saltine crackers during the night and even take my prescription antacid about 4 AM and some days it works, most days it does not.

The weather here in Wisconsin up until today has really been very nice.  We have been in the 60s for the month of November which is unheard of.  I have gone on many walks on the river trails and woods.  I still feel so at peace when I walk in the woods alone.  Actually I don't feel alone and talk to my spirit guide or who ever will listen.  Call me crazy.  I have enjoyed watching nature get ready for Winter.  The last few days the wind has been very strong and the temps are dropping.  We might even be in the 30s by Saturday with snow.  I am ready for Winter this year more than most.  The new electric base board heaters I had installed in the living room and bedroom are wonderful.  I can stand by the front window and not feel chilled.   Remind me of this come January when it is zero degrees outside and windchill even worse. 

I also have made a point to use the treadmill almost daily and do at least one mile each day.  That and the walks with the dogs and river trails seems to be enough right now.  Naps in the afternoon are still needed and enjoyed.  I am not sure if it is the HIV or old age but a nap in the afternoon seems to be a must these days.

I did finally write the letter to my older self that I have talked about in the past.  I wrote a five page letter to myself for the age of 70 or sooner if I am dying, to open and read.  The main theme was to tell myself I had a good life and I should be happy with the way life all turned out.   I have a hard time making it through the letter without being in tears.  I speak of my parents and current dogs that will no longer be here in 16 years.  It should be interesting to read when I am 70 years old.

Making spaghetti for supper tonight. 

Got an email from a girl that had written me after finding my blog a while back to tell me how she is doing today.  Was so nice to get her email.  Thank you.  I do enjoy getting feedback or emails from anyone who my blog has touched.

One last point.  I find it very interesting to listen to people talk about Charlie Sheen's announcement that he is HIV.  About half in my circle know my HIV status so when I hear things like 'that's what you get for being a drunk slut' coming out of my husband .... I have to pause.   I did correct him but if even my husband jumps to that conclusion I know others do also.  Just for the record, you do not have to be a drunk slut to get HIV.

Next week is Thanksgiving.  We will be going to my sisters this year.  Should be a nice event.  Thankfully we will not have to stay long and will be home and snuggling with the dogs in no time.

October 21, 2015 Wednesday Morning

I am happy to post that for the past few days I have felt very good. 

The past week or so has been dominated by my 16 year old dog Kali.  She was not feeling good a couple weeks ago and after taking her to the vet the only thing we could come up with was pain.  So we put Kali on pain medicine only to have her in worse shape now throwing up.  Kali shakes a lot.  She walks up to me and shakes like she is in pain or some kind of distress.  A week of thinking we were going to euthanize her was not fun.  Walked on egg shells daily thinking the next day might be the day I have to say goodbye.  The vet then suggested Pepsid to settle her stomach and changing her food to more rice and meat.  I did that and things got better.  I then found an anti nausea med she has in the past and when I started giving Kali that, she was back to her normal 16 year old self.  I should have known it was a stomach thing more than a pain thing because Kali has always had stomach problems and sometimes needs a belly massage or burping after eating.  Since last week Thursday Kali has been much better and given me time to just enjoy life and lot be on a death watch. 

My prostate still hurts a bit, maybe a 2 on a scale to 10 at certain times of the day.  I had to cut back on the prostate meds to lessen the dizziness.  I guess I have to either be dizzy or feel a little pain.  I would rather feel a bit of controllable pain than feel like I am going to pass out if I stand up too fast.  So I think I finally got my meds all figured out and like I said in the first sentence, I have had the best last few day health wise that I can remember.  Still have the back aches and pains but I am happy to say I made it through a bout of the flu and didn't have to take any antibiotics to get over it.  Guess my body still does have fight in it.

The weather has been very nice here in Milwaukee.  Fall has been good.  Today we should get to 70 degrees.  Temperature does get colder going forward.  Reality will set in soon that Winter is just around the corner.  I have been taking walks along the river the past two days enjoying the Fall colors and leaves falling around me. 

Last Thursday I had some electric floor board heaters put in the living room and bedroom.  Our house is over 100 years old and in those spots in Winter it is very cold.  Figure my comfort is most important and spent the money to make those rooms warmer this Winter.  We did have a cold day Saturday and we able to turn them on and enjoy the heat.  Will make for a better Winter experience.  Of course the estimate was $1000 and when was done turned out to be $1300.  Only money right?

It is nice to feel healthy for a change.  Hope this continues.

October 6, 2015 Tuesday Late Afternoon

I am so damn frustrated with the medical care I got today I could just scream.

Two weeks ago I made an appointment to see my regular doctor for a refill on my pain pills.  The appointment was for last Friday at 9:20 AM.  At 8:30 AM last Friday her office called to say the doctor would be out sick and I would need to reschedule.  I rescheduled for today at 2 PM.  In the mean time, last week I got very sick.  Started Monday with a sore throat.  Tuesday was sinus draining and body aches.  Wednesday was much the same.  By Thursday it moved to my lungs and I was coughing which made me happy I had an appointment the next day, last Friday.  So when I had to reschedule I was not happy.  Today I feel a bit better.  I at least think my body is fighting it off and it is all running it's course.  I get to my 2 PM appointment to be told at 2:10 the doctor is running late and will be at least a half hour more wait.  Well, OK, what can I do.  I finally get into the office a bit before 3 PM and I am finally seen by the doctor at 3:15 PM.  She walks in, in a hurry and after we start talking she tells me 'We really don't have time to discuss all that today. I only have 20 minutes with you and we will have to leave the other things to those doctors'.  WTF?  So we start going through what meds I am on to find my prostate drugs not in line with what she reads.  I explained we had increased my Doxazosin to 8 mg from 4 mg and I was also put on Finasteride 5 MG.  I went on to explain I soon realized I was very dizzy from the drug, assuming it was the new Finasteride and the doctor and I decided to take it at bedtime hoping it would help with the dizziness.  After a week I found out it did not so last week I stopped taking the Finasteride only to still today by dizzy at night.  I talked to my pharmacist today and he said it is most likely from the Doxazosin and not the Finasteride.   So when I told this all to the doctor today she basically told me she did not understand and sent my Prostate doctor an email note.  Got my pain pills and a z pack for my cold and headed home.  Also got a flu shot.  Got home to a phone call from the Prostate doctor wondering what the heck was up.  So now it is going on 4:45 and I just got off the phone with the Prostate doctor nurse.  We are going to cut my Doxazosin back down to 4 MG.  Stay off the Finasteride and see if my Prostate pain gets worse.  If it does I will stay at 4 MG of the Doxazosin and go back on the Finasteride, since that was not what was causing my dizziness.  Each time I talked with any doctor today I felt I was bothering them and they had no time for me.  To have my regular doctor a minute into our appointment tell me she only has 20 minutes for me because she is backed up and doubled her appointments to make up for her being gone last Friday .....  Is this the state of our medical care these days?   I feel like I am diagnosing myself these days and the doctors have no time to even listen to you.  Deep breaths.

As I said I was very sick all last week.  I pray I am on the way to getting better.

I can't believe it is October.  Kali is not doing well and I am afraid her time is coming to an end.  She is 16 years old and declining fast in health.  I don't think she is going to make it to Christmas. 

Last Sunday we took Rose to a dog parade and she was so good.  I walked around with a big smile and tears being a proud daddy. 

Other than that life just continues to be a struggle.  I just wish I didn't feel like I was going up hill every day.  Every day seems a struggle and I don't even have a hard life.  I can not imagine if I had to work with all my illnesses and feeling like crap from one day to the next.  Five and a half years into HIV and I am not liking it.  Glad to be alive, but wish every day was not such a struggle.

September 14, 2015 Monday Afternoon

The days and weeks go by so fast.  I swear I am going to blink and my life will be almost over.

Since I posted I have been on the new medications for my IB and enlarged prostate.  The meds seems to be working since there are times I do not have any prostate pain.  The 'other' times when I do feel pain it is a sharp stabbing pain.  So I am not sure what was better.  Low grade pain always there or no pain and then the occasional stab.  My IB has also improved but I think the pills have slowed me down to a crawl.  Thinking I might take one a day rather than every 12 hours.  The biggest problem now is the dizziness I get from the Prostate pill.  There are times I get up and feel like I will pass out.  Very light headed all the time. Vision problems also.   In fact I had to sit and rest several times on my last walk.  Will address this with my doctor but was warned. 

I did finally get the nerve to call the deacon that gave our Uncle Tom's eulogy.  I think I mentioned how he spoke of after life experiences and that it was the most personal funeral I have ever been to.  I don't know why actually calling and setting up an appointment is so hard but finally did on Friday.  He was happy to hear from me and said he will call me this week and we will meet in a park nearby.  I really am looking forward to speaking to him about death and dying.  I will end up crying the entire time we talk.  Just thinking about what I want to talk about has me in tears.  I have been making a list so when we meet I don't forget everything I would like to talk about. 

Last weekend the weather was very comfortable in Milwaukee.  We went to a couple block parties and spent time with the dogs.  All the dogs are doing good.  Casper does not seem to be in pain anymore.  Not sure if I posted about his problems.  Last week he was in pain.  Doctor thinks he hurt his back and we had him on pain meds for about a week.   He is back to feeling good but I can see when he climbs steps something still hurts.  Keeping him so he doesn't play hard with his mom Rose.  In fact since his pain Tony has been keeping Rose at work for the entire day.  She seems to love it and think she will continue spending the entire day since she does love that her Uncle Tom is there and takes her now on a morning and afternoon walk. 

I am moving my treadmill up from the basement to the spare bedroom.  I have it at the bottom of the basement stairs waiting for Tony to get home and help me carry it up.  It gets too cold in the basement in the Winter and if I am honest with myself, will use it more if it is right here in the house.  I need the exercise in the Winter since I hate the cold. 

I have still been going for walks along the river trails.  Unfortunately not as often.  I still enjoy them just as much but find myself taking a nap or getting involved in a house project instead.  Plus it was too hot for a while so now that the fall temperature is better I will go a couple times a week.  I swear a walk in the woods does more for me than any therapy. 

September 3, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

This week I have had more blood test and saw the GI doctor to find out why I have such stomach problems and still the pain in my prostate.  I can now add two more drugs to my daily meds.  I will be taking Finasteride for my Prostate, and Dicyclomine for the Irritable bowels.  I was also told to CUT my fiber which I have never hear before.  Just been trying to get from one day to the next.  Today I had to get more blood drawn to see if my stomach or intestines have a disease they are looking for.  Also picked up most of the meds for myself and Tony at Walgreens. 

Along with my problems Casper was in emergency Tuesday morning because he was in so much pain he could not walk, pee or poop.  He was tested for Lyme disease which came back negative and now is just on powerful pain meds.  They are working and doctor thinks he injured himself somehow and somewhere.  When the doctor examined him he cried in pain no matter if she touched his back or legs.  No matter what the doctor did it hurt.  So now that the Lyme disease came back negative we have no idea what if happening or happened to Casper.  Was told to just keep giving him pain meds and see if he gets better.  Jeez, this is like me, no frickin answers as to why we have pain.  I slept with Casper on the floor the first night since he could not even go up five steps to the bed without crying. 

So no answers, lots of meds, and we just go day by day. 

August 26, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

Last week Friday I had an ultra sound on my gallbladder and other things around the stomach area looking for stones or anything out of the ordinary.  Found nothing.  Good news but not good news since I have having such stomach problems.

Since Friday I have spent every night waking up by 1 AM and sweat buckets until I get up around 4 AM to clear my bowels and take a hit of pot to stop the sweating and relax my body.  I am dripping wet when I get out of bed.  It reminds me of prior to finding out I was HIV.  This morning was no exception and I sweat from about 1AM to 4AM when I got up to get ready to go to the hospital for my Cystoscopy.

Monday I called my doctor and insisted on a stool culture to see if there was anything bad in my poop since it is the green and the consistency of cement.  Finally got an order and took it in at 2 PM.  Was called the next day and told nothing in my stool including Giardia which I have had in the past.

Today Tony dropped me off at the hospital at 6:15 AM.  Checked in and went to the 4th floor where the Cystoscopy is performed.   Was not happy when they told me I could not have a valium like I had thought I was getting.  Was told it would be in my IV.  Hell, I needed something to calm me down now.   At 7 AM the nurse came in to put in my IV.  She could not find a vein the first time.  WTF?   Second time now.   She finally had to clean me up and try again.  Around 7:20 AM they wheeled me into the room where the procedure is performed.   I do remember most of the procedure and was told it is because I was not put under as much as the Colonoscopy or Tooth being pulled.  I remember them injecting the numbing stuff and it stung like a mother fucker for 10 seconds.  Shortly then after I could tell the doctor was inserting the scope because it hurt a bit.  Once in I do not remember any pain.  I do also remember looking up at the screen when the camera was in my bladder.  The whole thing was over very fast.  Was told by the nurse I was one of the most chatty patients she has had and that I talked during the entire procedure asking questions and stuff.  Was told my prostate is enlarged and we will have to address it but no real problem that would explain why I have so much pain or bloating or stomach problems, or pain in my prostate area.  Wheeled me back to the room and soon it was time to pee.  I knew there would be pain but was more startled by the blood that came out prior to peeing.  I just grabbed the thing and blood started dripping out.  Not a happy sight to see blood dripping from my junk.  Got through the pee even though it stung.  Tony picked me up at the main doors of the hospital about 9 AM.  We stopped at McDonalds for a bacon egg and cheese bagel and headed home.   Have peed once since home and burned and bleed.  Have to pee again soon and not looking forward to it.

I do have follow up appointments next week with the GI doctor and have called and left a message to see the doctor who did the Cystoscopy today for what to do about my prostate.  That will be another appointment.  I am getting frustrated but we keep ruling things out.  I just wish someone could find the problem.  I honest think the stomach problems are due to the diagnosis of Severe Diverticulosis.  That will hopefully be addressed next week when I see the GI doctor.  This up all night dripping wet and having to change the bedding daily is ridiculous.  No matter what I eat, whether I eat or not, whether it is food or water, anything I do gives me bloating and stomach cramping.

Tonight we have the funeral for our Uncle Tom that die last week.  He was 89 and had a good life.  The end could and should have been quicker.  Time to go pee.  Wish me luck.

August 20, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

Had a CT Scan with and without contrast done on Monday.  It was not as bad as I had remembered in the past.  I think it was best to tell the person performing the test about my fear of that 'hot' feeling when they inject the contrast because he told me he injected it slower and honestly the feeling was not that bad.  So I guess they can make it not as bad if they choose.  Was told to call the doctor on Tuesday for the results.  Called and left a message with no return call.  Wednesday afternoon I called the doctor again and left a message for the nurse about finding out my results and if I will be having the Cystoscopy on Friday.  No return call.  Today I got out of bed at 6 AM sweating bullets and went to Walgreens and bought Irritable Bowel medicine because of the cramping and sweating.  This afternoon I left a more heated message with the doctor saying I still have not heard from anyone about my CT scan much less if I am having the Cystoscopy tomorrow.  A bit ago I got the return call from the nurse saying 'didn't you get the results mailed'.  "NO', I said.  She went on to tell me I have a kidney stone that is 'just sitting there' and does not need to be addressed, I also have a dialation of the Gallbladder, and Diverticulosis.  I was told we still need to do the Cystoscopy but will now have to do it next week since tomorrow is not an option for the scheduler.  I also was told to call a GI specialist and given a referral.  I called the GI doctor and told them everything my Urologist told me and that I need to see him ASAP.  The doctors nurse argued with me about why I need to see him.  WTF?  I finally about broke down and said 'listen, I am just doing what I was told by Dr S's office'.  So the GI scheduler / nurse said she would call my Urologist / Dr Sandock and find out what or why I need to see the GI doctor.  What a bunch of bullshit.  All this and I am still in pain.  I do not want the Cystoscopy but have no choice since I still have pain.  So I am most likely going to have the Cystoscopy Wednesday morning, early, like at 7 AM.   That should be interesting.  My morning are bad enough.  Figured WTF might as well do it early and get it over right?  This all is getting overwhelming to me.  I did read a bit about Diverticulosis and will keep taking the irritable bowel meds as well as more fiber.  Just drank a big glass of water with two tbs of fiber powder.  Will go tomorrow and buy a pill or something.  Don't like the drinking powder and have little left. 

Just got a call from the GI doctor nurse saying she wants me to get a ultrasound of my gallbladder tomorrow to rule out stones.  Asked if the CT scan would show that and she said no.  No food up to the ultrasound at 1 PM.  Not going to like no food but I can do it. 

So that is where I stand.  Still trying to figure out why I have pain in my prostate area. 

I did go for a nice walk along the river trails today.  Has been a long time and I needed the time to clear my head.  Going to post and log off to clear my head.  Will keep you posted on the tests as they get performed and results are known.

August 11, 2015 Tuesday Dinner Time

After feeling like crap for the last few days ... tired, bloated, the scheduler for the Urologist called me today to tell me they scheduled a CT Scan for Monday and the Cystoscopy the Friday after if nothing is found in the CT scans.   Both CT scans will be done, the one where you drink the liquid and the injectable dye.  I have had both test a while back and I am not looking forward to the one with the injectable dye.  I hate the hot flash feeling you get and feel like your going to die. It only lasts for about a minute, but it is a long minute.  The scheduler did put me at ease about he Cystoscopy because she assured me I would be in a twilight state and not remember a thing.  When I told her I had watched several videos of the procedure she said they tell people not to.  I actually would rather know what is going to happen rather then be surprised.  I don't mind when people tell me the end of a movie because it helps me then follow the plot to the end.  So, by next Tuesday night I should know more about this bloating.  If I don't get a good answer I will have to go through with the Cystoscopy the following Friday.  I am relieved to know I will be slightly under for the Cystoscopy.  I had my colonoscopy and a tooth pulled that way and would do it again.  If I didn't remember a tooth being pulled I am not going to remember them shoving a camera up my penis.  Oh man, just the thought makes me close my legs.

Spent a lot of the day in bed or on the couch.  I did have to get up when the refrigerator repair guy called to say he would be here to replace the door in a half hour.  Guess someone forgot to call me and let me know.  I figured at that point best to get it over with since I had not heard when the medical tests would be at that time.  The refrigerator door got attached but I was told if I call him back in two days and complain about the ice machine and dispenser, which is a problem on this model, he will put me down for getting a new refrigerator.  So I will go that route because I hate the ice dispenser and always more ice falls on the floor than in any glass.

Had an English muffin and some crackers all day today.  Anything I eat or drink makes me bloat.  If I can get myself together for an hour or so I am going to go with Tony to a car show at a local Mc Donald's so I don't have to cook tonight.  Actually can't wait to go to bed tonight and since I was not able to get a nap today I should sleep good. 

So, life still sucks but answers hopefully are coming in the next week or so.  Lets hope.

August 6, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

Finally saw my Urologist today.  Was told I need to schedule a Cystoscopy.  I am not happy and scared to death.  I have not yet made the appointment.  I know I have to.  If anyone has had this scope done please let me know if it is as painful as I am thinking.  Jeez, who gets a scope and camera shoved up their penis?  I watched a video on the Internet and have read many people's stories of their Cystoscopy's.  Experiences range from 'piece of cake' to 'painful as hell'.  I am thinking it has a lot to do with what doctor is doing the procedure.  My doctor has been around for a long long time and considered one of the best.  He did tell me when I asked if it would be painful something like 'I am the pain free doctor'.   I know I am being a big baby and many have it worse.   But this is happening to me.  I keep looking at the phone number but can't bring myself to make the appointment.  The doctor didn't even examine me.  Just listened to what I said.  I think I might also be having a CT scan on that area also since I said my HIV doctor suggested it.  Will find out if I am having both when I finally put on my big boy pants and make the damn appointment.  I did ask to be put as under as possible.  He said he would relax me as much as possible and I wont remember a thing.  Yah right.  Help! anyone had this?

Life since I posted has been up and down.  A good day here, a not so good day there.  Made the mistake of eating some Kettle Popcorn I bought at a festival Saturday only to spend the next few days with bloating and gas.  I still am gassy.  Guess no more popcorn.  When I told the Urologist of this he said that is an entirely different problem.  Jeez.   I did go for a walk down along the river today to clear my head.  It does help.  Asked for a sign from my spirit guide and did not get it.  Was hoping for a sign telling me to make the damn Cystoscopy appointment. 

I did read the response from the last post about seeing another HIV doctor.  I am seriously considering it, but honestly he is the best HIV doctor in Milwaukee.  Maybe the Cystoscopy will find a problem and we can get this solved why I feel like crap every morning for two hours. 

The dogs are doing great. 

This past Tuesday night Tony and I went out for dinner and took Bo with us.  We ate at a restaurant a block away sitting outside.  I had the chicken sandwich, Tony had the steak sandwich.  About half way through dinner Tony stopped talking and had this glassy look on his face.  I asked him if he was choking and got no response,  I then asked again and when I got no response I jumped up, ran behind him, just as he stood up, and gave him the Heimlich maneuver.  On the second push a big piece of steak came flying out.  WTF?  That kinda put a damper on dinner and we took home the rest of our food.  We were the only ones sitting outside and no one else saw this or was there to help.  I was so glad everything I knew from videos and stuff kicked in when I saw him with 'that look' on his face.  I keep teasing him now that his life is mine from this point forward.  LOL. 

Going out for dinner again tonight.  The weather has been finally cool enough, in the 70s, to do things outside.  It was in the 80s for the past 19 days.  Too hot for me.  I decided no cooking this week and we would eat at restaurants outside.  Tonight we will get some 1/2 lb hamburgers for $5.

Going to end this post.  Anyone with knowledge on the Cystoscopy please contact me on here or at my email djones2659@live.com with the header Cystoscopy. 

July 22, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

Saw my HIV doctor today and got my latest blood results.  My TCell count has gone down a bit but that could be very well due to the Prostate infection I have and had at the time.  My percent of good cells is about the same.  I am undetectable which is the goal.  Doctor is very happy with my blood work but was not happy with my Prostate problem and how it has progressed.  I explained how my day starts to my HIV doctor like this:

I wake up around 5:30 AM when the other half rolls out of bed.  I then lay in bed for about and hour sweating like crazy with cold chills until I can no longer be in bed.  At 6:30 I then get up dripping wet to feed the dogs.  As I am feeding the dogs I am usually throwing up or gagging into the sink to get the bile out that makes me feel like throwing up for the first two hours of my morning.  I get the dogs fed just in time to run to the toilet for an explosive bowel movement.  I can not even have a sip of coffee for the first hour due to the feeling of throwing up.  I also explained that if I have one good day like I had yesterday, I then pay the price like I am today, tired, feeling like crap, and just want to be in bed.  He was not concerned since he has seen worse and said we had talked about this before.  All part of being HIV and AIDS.  He did think we need to address the Prostate issue and asked me to call my Prostate doctor to get a CT scan and then an appointment with the actual doctor, not just his nurse.  My Prostate doctor reminds my of the Wizard Of OZ.  I have never seen him, only his nurse.  Not sure what you have to do to actually see the doctor.  I did just leave a message with the nurse requesting a CT scan and an appointment after with the doctor for the results.  I also for the past week have felt gassy.  Horrible gassy.  I have been eating about 12 gas x's a day during the course of the day.  My HIV doctor seems to think the tiredness and stomach problems might all tie into the Prostate and we need to get the infection under control.  So now I wait for the nurse to call and most likely tell me something different.  At that point I am not sure what I will do because I am very uncomfortable between the gas and the pain.

As I mentioned earlier, yesterday was a good day.  I got through the first hours and then was able to do 2 miles on the treadmill.  I walked Casper and Bo around the block early morning.  I made grilled cheese sandwiches for Tony when he came home with Rose for lunch and then went for a nice walk in the river trails.  Didn't even take a nap.  I was sleeping by 9 PM exhausted.   So now today I pay the price of doing all that.  One good day, one bad day seems to be my life story lately.

Wish I felt better because we do have a busy weekend coming up with block parties and bike races throughout the neighborhood.  Also a big air show that we can see since we are so close to the lake front where the show is held. 

So there it is.  The HIV meds are keeping me alive, but my body feels like it is giving out.  My Prostate is as bad or worse and I have no clue where I go from here.

July 17, 2015 Friday Morning

Thank you for the positive comment regarding the book Final Exit.  Like I said in the post I am not planning on going anywhere any time soon.  I have five dogs and Tony that need me.

It has not been a good week at all.  Monday I took my last of two months antibiotic for my prostate infection that refuses to go away.  I figured since I thought I had an appointment with my HIV doctor of Wednesday I would see what he has to say before I called back my Prostate doctor.  By Wednesday morning the pain was getting worse and now I was feeling very gassy.  Went grocery shopping Wednesday morning.  Drove quite a distance to my HIV doctor Wednesday afternoon to find out the appointment had been switched months ago to next Wednesday.  When I got home I confirmed I had changed it on one calendar but not the other, which I use to keep up with appointments.  (another one to add to my memory problems)   So I drove home feeling tired, bloated, defeated, and in need of meds for the prostate.  I left a message with my Prostate doctor that I either needed another refill for a month or need to come in and see the doctor.  I half hour after being home I went to the refrigerator for a cherry I had bought earlier to see they are not in the frig.  Started thinking the bags felt light.  I then thankfully still had the receipt to notice about 10 items missing.  Thinking back I then remembered watching the checker bag some items and send the rest down the belt for me to bag.  Everything I bagged I had, everything he bagged he never gave me.  So I then now had to call Pick N Save and have them confirm they had my groceries and come in and get them.  Though, they were put back so I would have to basically shop again.  Drove to the store a second time and got the groceries.  By this time I would in pain, exhausted, and mad as hell.   Called the HIV pharmacy to see if they could get me refills on the antibiotic and anti inflammatory. 

Thursday I spent most of the day in bed.  Tired and just feel like crap.  Pain in my prostate is a 3 on a scale to 10.  Gas is still a problem if I eat, so I guess the diet starts now.  Around 4 PM I called the HIV clinic to see if they got a refill request from my doctor.  When they told me no, I then called the doctor and left a message again asking for refills or an appointment.  A bit later the doctor called to say she faxed the prescriptions yesterday and if in a month not better I would need to come see the doctor.  When I called the HIV clinic to say they must have the fax / prescription refill they kept saying they didn't.  After being put on hold three times they finally found the fax.  WTF?  So I then drove downtown to get the prescriptions and give them a piece of my mind.  I get home with the prescriptions to notice the anti inflammatory says 60 pills and is circled to verify yet there are only 30 pills in the bottle. WTF?  Can this week get any worse?  I then had to call the HIV clinic to find out when I would get the rest of my meds and find out who fucked this up.  I ask for the manager to call me since I have many issues every month with this pharmacy.  From prescription not ready when I get there called in days ahead, to missing pills twice now, to no one ever answering the phone, to faxes not getting addressed and prescription filled .... I have a bone to pick with the ARCW pharmacy.   How can a fax from a doctor sit in limbo for over 24 hours and be told it is not there three times when it is?  Then the wrong amount of pills given out?  Honestly by last night going to bed I could feel the gas coming out and feeling a bit better from the meds again.  I pray this goes away since my next course is a scope up the penis which scares the hell out of me.

Today I woke up feeling like crap and tired.  Pushed myself to do a mile and 3/4 on the treadmill.  It is going to be close to 90 degrees today so I do not know if Tony will join us for lunch since he will be stinky.  Just being honest.  He works outside in this heat if not in the office.  After lunch I will most likely take a nice long nap.  Too hot to do anything outside.  Tonight we see the play Bent which I am looking forward to .  Plan on bringing tissue since I cry at plays like this theme. 

This weekend and into next week looks too hot outside for me.  Will have to think of indoor projects.

July 13, 2015 Monday Afternoon

Summer has finally arrived in Milwaukee.  The past week we have had very Summer like temperatures for a change.  Has been a very cool Summer up until the past week.  Today it is very hot out and I got the little work outside done early so not to be out in the hot humid heat. 

The past weekend was very busy.  Last Thursday started Bastille Days and we went to the festival Thursday and again Friday night.  Both nights we did not stay long but it was nice to get out and not have to cook dinner.  Saturday we had the yearly family pool party for Tony's side of the family the weather was cool on Saturday but we went swimming anyway since it is the one time a year we most likely get to go swimming because someone we know has a pool.  Had a good time at the family event as usual.  Sunday we went to a car show around noon at another festival and then spent the rest of the day at home due to the heat. 

My prostate is still feeling a bit of pain.  I did take the last of my two month antibiotic today.  Someone asked my PSA level.  I don't know the number off the top of my head but do know it has been checked regularly due to my dad having cancer and is within normal range.  I see my HIV doctor this Wednesday and will address the problem with him.  I also was talking with the guys in our Friday lunch and was told I should start taking Florajen 3, a high potency probiotic dietary supplement, due to taking an antibiotic for over two months.  Was told my stomach problems and pain might be more due to my taking antibiotics for so long.  Worth a try and bought a bottle and started taking last Friday.  Will hopefully know soon if it will help.  It has already changed my morning bowels.

Was very tired again today.  Could be from doing a lot over the weekend or the fact we were up early listening to Vito bark and growl at the thunder and lightning that started by 4 AM this morning.  Actually went back to bed for another hour after Tony left for work this morning.  Forced myself not to take a nap this afternoon so I sleep good tonight. 

Not a lot on my schedule this week other than my Wednesday HIV doctor appointment and picking up my prescriptions and food at the pantry at the HIV clinic.  I did buy tickets online this morning for a play at a small theater, called Bent.  From reading the play it does not sound like a happy play but Tony mentioned before he left for work that he read about it in the newspaper this morning and would like to see it.  Got tickets for this Friday nights performance.  It is a very small group theater which I do enjoy just as much as the big productions. 

Dogs are all doing great.  Had to take Rose and Casper to the vet last week to update their Rabies shots and have Casper's ear infection in his left ear this time checked.  Have a feeling we are going to have chronic ear problems with Casper.  Rose still loves going to work and walks with her Uncle Tom.  Yesterday we were walking Rose, Casper and Bo around the block and Tom pulled up in his truck.  Rose went crazy and Tom walked with us around the block, Rose at his side.  She loves her Uncle Tom.  Kali sleeps a lot and Vito just seems to keep going even though he is blind and diabetic. 

Finished the book Final Exit.  I did enjoy it and learned a lot about ending one's life someday.  Don't worry, I am not planning on it any time soon but do want an exit strategy if I get very sick someday.

Mom should call soon for our 4 PM Monday talking on the phone.  I usually have to write a list or I forget to tell her things and then remember when we get off the phone.

Will post my new blood count numbers when I get them this Wednesday. 

July 2, 2015 Thursday Dinner Time

Tony is in the shower so I though I would quickly do a post.

Once again I am so shocked so much time has gone by since my last post.  It has been a very exciting time with the recent supreme court ruling, especially the one making gay marriage legal in all 50 states.  As of this post it looks like there are only a handful of counties in a couple states holding out.  They can not hold out forever.  I can honestly say I could never have imagined this day that gay marriage is legal in the USA.

Got my blood withdrawn the other day for my 6 month check.  I go to my HIV doctor in a couple weeks and will get the results.  I feel pretty good except for the pain I still have in my prostate area.  I am almost at the end of my two months on antibiotics and anti inflammatory for it.  I am scared to death to call the doctor because I know the next thing will be a scope up the penis.  If anyone reading this has had the procedure please let me know if it is as painful as I am imagining.  The pain is on the level of about a 3 on a 1 to 10 scale.  Sometimes I have no pain and sometimes I get a shooting pain down to my balls and up to my belly button.  I know I should not be waiting on this and give plenty of advice to everyone else.  I wish I was not such a baby myself when it comes to medical procedures.  I hate pain.  I know, no one does, but I really am scared to death of this next procedure.  I will call my doctor when the meds are gone if there is still pain.

Went to a couple bar parties over last weekend after the supreme court decision making gay marriage legal.  It was a big celebration and I was in tears many times throughout the weekend.  Like I said before, never in my lifetime. 

The dogs are doing great.  Rose is still happy and ready to go to work with Tony each morning and by noon we figure out a way to get her home, either I go get her or Tony brings her home.  I still have been doing two miles on the treadmill daily with Casper and Bo enjoying butcher bones in the basement with me.  I hope the treadmill makes a difference on this blood test with my cholesterol levels.  I also take Bo and Casper around the block for a walk each morning prior to Rose coming home.  The last few weeks I now take my blind dog Vito for a short walk in the alley also after walking Bo and Casper.  I did it one day a couple weeks ago and now every time we come home from Bo and Casper walk, Vito is dancing in the kitchen wanting to go for one also.  He cant see anything but still enjoys peeing on things and sniffing the air outside.  He will be 12 this August and is also diabetic.  I also go for my walks around the river every few days.  I don't go as often as I did last Summer but still at least twice a week.  I also make a point to walk to the grocery store four long blocks away rather than driving.  I keep telling myself walking kept my grandma alive to live to 98.

Tonight we are meeting a high school friend of Tony's that lives here in the neighborhood.  Meeting for supper and a drink at a local pub a few blocks away.  Half price hamburgers tonight.

The weather in Milwaukee has been a bit colder than normal.  It was only in the 50s today due to the wind off Lake Michigan.  We have had a colder than normal Spring and Summer so far.  I don't mind the 50s or 60s.   In fact I have quite enjoyed the Summer so far.  If I had a pool in the back yard I would most likely feel different.

Happy Fourth of July to all who follow.  I hope to post more often.  Always happy to see comments.

June 12, 2015 Friday Morning

It has been a couple weeks so I thought I would check in and let you know how life has been.

Last weekend was Pridefest here in Milwaukee.  The weather could have been better but glad it was last weekend and not this.  Going to ran this weekend and be cold.  Last weekend it got to the 70s but the wind came off Lake Michigan and the festival grounds are right on the lake front.  Friday night we got to the festival around 7 PM to meet some friends.  Had a good night but left around 11 PM because even with a hat and gloves we were freezing.  Wind off the lake made it feel in the 40s, the temperature of the water.  Saturday afternoon we were at the festival from about 1 PM to 4 PM and then went back for a couple hours from 7 PM to 9 PM.  By 9 PM it was again getting very cold and we were tired and had enough.  We were lucky enough to get some free tickets so we saved the $16 ticket fee each time we entered.  Saved $64 because of the free tickets.  The festival is only a couple miles from our home since we are near downtown Milwaukee.  Sunday afternoon we spent a couple hours watching the parade and then went home exhausted from the weekend.  I am getting old.

My prostate infection is still not gone so I decided to refill my antibiotic and the anti inflammatory for another month cycle.  Was not willing to pay the $81 for the antibiotic like I did the first time and inquired about a cheaper alternative.  Got a prescription for Doxycycline Mono instead of the Doxycycline Hyclate.  For some reason they are much the same but only $12.99 for the Mono one.
So I finally got the doctor to call that prescription into the pharmacy and picked up my monthly HIV meds and food at the AIDS clinic on Wednesday.

Thursday (yesterday) I had a repair guy come to fix the ice dispenser on the refrigerator.  Got a card in the mail the other day that our warranty was expiring on the refrigerator we bought five years ago.  Forgot I bought the extended warranty and gave them a call to see if the repair was covered.  Since it was I had the repair guy come to the house.  The repair guy came and even with all the parts he realized it is a problem with the door and a entire new door was ordered.  Was told we might even get a call saying we will have to get a new replacement frig if a door is not in stock or more expensive then what we paid for the whole frig.  Sad that one door can be more than an entire fridge.  Have another appointment set for next Thursday if the repair is still happening.

The dogs are all doing great.  I still look at them and say I am the luckiest dog dad in the world.
Tony still takes Rose to work each morning and we figure out how she will get home either by me picking her up at Tony's shop or him driving her home.  While they are gone I walk my treadmill and give Bo and Casper butcher bones in the basement with me to chew on.  We then go for a walk around the block.  I recently started taking Vito then and then Kali for separate walks.  Vito is blind but love the smells.  Kali is old so we walk very slow.  When I get back from walking Bo and Casper, Vito and Kali now want a walk also.  I need the exercise and do love watching the dogs happy.

I have been keeping busy around the house.  Since I am happy to be home and feel most comfortable here I have the house just how I want it for the Summer.  Flowers are planted and the yard looks good.  I will just have to keep up with the weeding over the next few months.  I miss the pond but am happy I took it down because it has been nice to have one less thing to do each day or one less thing to worry about. 

I still get up by 6:30 AM to feed the dogs and give Vito his shot and end up needing a couple hour nap usually between 1 and 3 PM.  Then I start my day over again with a cup of coffee until I go to bed by 10 PM.  If I don't take a nap the next day seems very hard to get through.

Got an email today from someone who found my blog.  Always happy to help in any way I can and is the reason I started this blog.  I can be emailed any time.  I put myself out here so if my life and the life I live with HIV and AIDS can help anyone, I am happy to help.  I have learned that there is no cure for HIV and AIDS and if anyone tells you they have a cure they are lying.  I also have learned that if you do not take your HIV meds you will get AIDS and die.  That might sound harsh but it is true.  Your body will eventually not be able to fight the disease and you will get infections and die.  I am old enough to remember seeing my fiends in their final stages of AIDS before they died and know how horrible that can be.  Please take your HIV meds if prescribed. 

 

May 28, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

I can not believe my next post will most likely be in June.  Where does the time go?

Summer is finally here in Milwaukee.  The windows are open and in the 70s.  Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  On Sunday we drove down to Shorewood Illinois to visit Tony's sister and her family.  I wanted to see their dog Little Buddy who I missed.  The dog and I have a special connection and always have.  The dog spent the four hours we were there by my side.  Had a very nice afternoon and will miss my Little Buddy.  It will most likely be the last time I see him since he is advancing in age and we don't get down to their home very often.  It will be a very sad day when I hear he is no longer alive.   Was nice to spend time with the nephews and niece as well as the sister and her husband. I did not enjoy the two hour drive down to their home and the two hour drive back.  Hate the tolls you have to pay every few miles.  Used our navigation system for the first time and learned just how wrong it was the entire drive down and back.

Been keeping busy doing things around the house and making sure we are ready for the Summer.  Did a little painting of a molding outside that needed to be scrapped and then painted.  Keeping up with the weeds is the main work since we have no grass and have graveled our entire yard.  Low or no maintenance was our goal.

Went for a nice walk along the river trails today.  Walked past this one guy that was very scary.  First time I felt a little afraid in the trails.  Tall younger guy that looked like a psycho skin head redneck terrorist.  As he walked past me with his large German Shepard dog he kicked the tree.  It took me back a bit.  As he kept walking he was talking to himself.  Then he started yelling across the river to the group of kids playing using racial slurs.  I felt sorry for the kids.  They were just playing and this redneck starts calling them the 'N' word and more.  I felt most sorry for his dog too.  Hope he treats it well. 

Tonight we will go out to a restaurant here in the neighborhood for half price hamburgers.  I have the Riverwest burger.  Hamburger with bacon and cheese.  Yum.  Looking forward to it. 

I still find myself thinking of death and dying and then I feel depressed.  If I push the thoughts out of my head I get through the day, but feel like they are just there under the surface.  I sometimes walk the house at night and look around thinking 'someday I will no longer be living here', 'someday I will be dead'.  It is really hard for me to comprehend that some day I will be dead.  I hope I remember that I honestly had a good life with Tony and the dogs.  Do any of my followers have these thoughts?

Speaking of the dogs, they are doing great.  Casper's ear infection is almost gone.  My prostate infection is also almost gone which makes me very happy.  I am only half way through the one month antibiotic.  It usually takes me two months or a double dose to get an infection out of me.

Hope everyone is enjoying the Summer so far.

May 15, 2015 Friday Morning

Was back at my Urologist Doctor today for my Prostate pain.  I did go to my regular doctor a little over two weeks ago and she put my on Cypro.   I knew when she put me on that antibiotic that it was not going to work.  Remember going to the Urologist years ago for this problem and he talk to me about the Prostate and put me on Doxazosin and Naproxen for the Prostate infection pain and swelling.  Earlier this week I did refill my two week supply of Cypro only to have more pain by the end of this week.  So yesterday I went through my blog all the way back to November 2011 to find out what doctor and what he gave me for this infection.  Have to say I was glad I kept this blog for that reason.  I also do keep a spreadsheet of all my illnesses.  Was surprised I had no information on this problem on that spreadsheet.  So I got an early appointment this morning with the Urologist nurse.  She did the usual urine test and blood pressure, along with the finger up the butt.  Left with a prescription of Doxazosin and Naproxen like last time with refills, knowing from the past that I was on it for two months before it worked.  Of course my insurance only paid for half and that still was $85 for the Doxazosin.   Guess it is used for a skin condition also so insurance companies hesitate to cover it.   Just glad I am moving forward and hopefully in a couple months the Prostate pain will again be gone.  Wish I knew why I get these Prostate infections.  I don't have anal sex so that it not the reason.  I am going to start drinking more water daily.  A glass every hour.  I have to now on these meds so I might as well get used to it.  Will be peeing a lot in the next few months from all the water. 

Been just laying low and doing little things around the house.  Been sleeping a lot from the infection and the fact the sun has not been out all week and it has not even gotten above 50 degrees.  Today it is finally sunny and going to get in the 70s.  Soon I will be complaining about the heat, lol. 

The dogs are all doing great.  I could not be happier.  It is coming up on one year that we rescued Rose and Casper and I am so pleased at how everyone gets along and how they have made our lives so much better.  I do take Bo and Casper for a walk around the block almost every morning while Rose is at work with Tony.  Been pretty good about doing my two miles on the thread mill also.  I just wish I had more energy but that might come with the sun and feeling better in the future as the Prostate infection heals. 

Suppose to be a great weekend this weekend.  In the 70s but rain or storms here and there.  I have no problem with storms and actually love them.  Still waiting for our first big storm of the year.  Just happy it will be warm enough this weekend to keep the windows open for a while. 

Nothing much more to say.  Life is good.  I am happy to stay home with the dogs daily and just enjoy the simple life. 

May 5, 2015 Tuesday Noonish

I can not believe it is May already.
 
My birthday came and went.  Tony and I went out for a nice steak dinner at a great steak house here in Milwaukee.  I have a hard time putting down $42 for a steak, but at least it came with sides.  Seems the new trend is sides you pay for separately.   I also had a $20 coupon so the bill was just over $100.  I shake my head now as I even type that.  What I could spend at the grocery store with that $100.  Although, that is getting less and less also, those that do the grocery shopping know how expensive and smaller everything is getting at the grocery store.  Anyway, the birthday was nice, just wish the years would subtract rather than add.  I am now 54 years old.  I have a hard time accepting it.

I did end up going to the doctor the middle of last week.  My illness turned into another Prostate infection.  I get these twice or more a year lately.  There is no reason I would get these infections over and over.  Of course I am now on an antibiotic again, Cypro. 

It is raining today in Milwaukee and looks to be a very cloudy drizzle filled day.  When it is cloudy like this I have a very hard time starting my brain.  Even went back to bed for an hour or so after Tony went to work this morning with Rose.  Around 11 AM I went and got Rose from work to save Tony the trip at noonish.  Since it was raining it was not like she was going to go for any walks with her Uncle Tom.  At home she has her son and doggie friends.  

This week all the dogs get their nail trims.  Kali went to the vet late yesterday afternoon for a nail trim and anal cleaning.  Bo goes today at 2:30 PM.  Vito on Wednesday at 4 PM.  Rose and Casper this Saturday morning.  Between the vet bills and the Walmart shopping I did yesterday this is turning out to be an expensive week.   Walmart is $75 for the Insulin and syringes alone.  Then another $250 on household items we use.  Thankfully I only go ever few months for Vito's Insulin. 

Up until today the weather here in Milwaukee has been getting .... Summer like.  It was even in the 70s this weekend.  Today it is in the high 40's and then in two days we go back up to 80 degrees.  This time of year Lake Michigan makes a big difference on our weather depending on what way the wind is blowing.  Summer will be here soon enough.  I have gotten most of the work outside I wanted to get done for this Summer already.  I get it done now because later in the Summer it just is too hot for me to work in the yard.  So I get the yard looking nice now so I can spend the rest of the Summer maintaining it and enjoying it.  Glad the pond is gone.  I do miss it but less work is a good thing.  Here is a picture of Rose and Casper in the now fake pond.

 

Just looked around and all five dogs are sitting on the couches or floor ... looking at me ... like ... daddy, let's do something.  Thankfully they have bones to chew on.

 

Tony and the dogs are all doing great.  I have to admit I find myself saying 'I am the luckiest guy in the world' many times a day.  As long as I keep my head out of 'dark' thoughts of death and dying or things I can not fix, I am happy.  I honestly still look down at Rose and Casper and smile knowing saving them was the best thing I ever did in my life.  They are both so happy and show it daily.  I have everything a guy could ask for:  OK health (mostly), a roof over my head I own, dogs that love me, a husband who loves me, and family that loves me.  What more can a guy honestly ask for?  I don't need anything else to make me happy than to just have my house, home, and dogs. 

April 20, 2015 Monday Afternoon

Feeling a little under the weather today.  Woke up this morning around 5 AM with bowel pain.  After I got the dogs fed and Tony off to work I spend most of today in bed.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my bowels hurt, and I have a 99.1 temperature.  Got up around 3:30 PM this afternoon so I would be ready to talk to my mom at 4 PM.  We talk on Monday's at 4 PM.  It does not help that it is cloudy and cold here in Milwaukee.  It is only 41 degrees and feels very damp outside.  I will make Tony a quick salad and TV dinner for supper.  I will have a piece of toast or something and go to bed early, or at least watch TV in bed tonight before going to bed.  So tired I could go to bed now.  This is the part of HIV I hate.  One day you feel fine, the next day another illness. 

Late last week I notice Casper was experiencing pain near his nose.  If we bumped him or he bumped us he would cry in pain.  Took him to the vet Saturday morning to find out he has a half missing / chipped front tooth.  Would totally explain the pain on his nose.  So tomorrow I have to have Casper at the vet at 7:30 AM so they can put him under and pull the tooth.  The vet said it should be quick and under for very short time.  Because of this I will most likely be picking him up around noon.  He will wake up, me not there, and cry.  The minute the vet calls I will go get him and spend the rest of the day as Casper time.  He has been taking pain pills the vet gave us since Saturday and they have helped.  In fact no yelping in pain since.

The grass is getting green and the buds are finally forming on the trees.  Being near Lake Michigan we have very varied temperature swings.  Lately the wind seems all off the lake and we have only gotten above 60 degrees once or twice here by the lake.  I am glad I no longer have to tend to the pond but do miss the sound of the pumps and water when I sit outside. 

My birthday is this Thursday.  I will be 54 years old.  I have no clue where all the time goes.  I would never imagine myself this age.  Where does all the time go?  No matter if I do little or a lot all day, the day is gone in a blink.  Then another year older.  Would love to go back to my late 20s knowing what I know now.  My advice to my younger self would be:  Stop Worrying.   Wish I could take that advice now at my age.  All will be OK.  Always has worked out so ....   Stop Worrying. 

Next week I see my back doctor to have him explain my MRI results on my lower back. 

Tony is still dealing with his teeth issues.  He has no upper teeth and I can't seem to get him to look around for a cheaper dentist.  Honestly he is pissing me off with his laziness.  I can only do so much.  I did put my foot down this morning and told him I wanted to know what his next two appointments are for and how much they will cost.  The last time he said a cleaning was close to $800.  WTF?  He only has lower teeth.  Dental Associates is taking him for a ride and he just does what ever they tell him.   Times like this I just wish he cared more about money and was not so lazy.

The dogs are doing fine, other than Casper and his tooth.  It will be a year next month that we started fostering Rose and Casper.  I can not believe it has been a year.  I still smile when I look at them knowing how they came here. 

Time to log off and go back to the couch and blanket.  Hope I feel better real soon.

April 9, 2015 Thursday Afternoon

It has been an interesting couple weeks around our house.

Rose knocked one of Tony's front teeth loose soon after the last post.  Tony went to Dental Associates and they recommended he have the other 10 upper teeth pulled.  Like a fool, he took their advice and had every upper tooth he had pulled.  Yah, WTF?  What the hell are you going to connect a partial to?  I have no clue what him or the dental office was thinking.  Moving forward then he spent a week taking pain pills and anti inflammatory medicine and not eating.  Then a week ago last Tuesday he comes home acting all drunk from work, but wont say he was drinking.  He spent the night passing in and out of throwing up.  By morning I got the story that he had a few beers at work.  From that time forward, until yesterday, he had not gone back to work due to the pain in his stomach and not being able to keep any food or liquid down.  Finally this past Monday I made him go to emergency to be told he has GERD.  GERD is when you burn out your esophagus.  He is on meds and at a specialist as I type this post.  So for the past week Tony has been home, in pain, miserable, and making my day just as miserable, lol.  Actually I do like him home but wish he would pick up after himself.  His next dental appointment for a denture fitting is April 12th.  I have no clue what he was thinking having his teeth pulled much less letting Dental Associates do it without a second opinion.  WOW.  For now we have to work on is GERD problem.

Easter we went to Tony's sisters house.  Since Tony couldn't eat due to no teeth and stomach pain I had a little food and we left within an hour and a half.  At least I got a good meal.

I have been busy doing things around the house even though the weather has not been very nice.  I took down our hot tub due to a leak that I could not fix.  Finally got Tony and his brother to help us get it out of the side porch and on a truck and out of your household.  I will miss the hot tub but not the electric bill we had when we had it running daily.  It is again in the 40s today but raining very hard.  We had our first thunder storm last night and it has been raining since.  I put an ad on Craigslist last week for my Kio fish and to find them a good home.  Was surprised how many people responded and by Saturday afternoon the fish in my pond were all gone.  I then spend since then taking down the pond and filling in the hole to make a bigger yard for the dogs.  I did go to my back doctor and also just had an MRI on my back this past Monday due to the pain I have when doing household tasks.   Most would say stop doing those tasks but who the hell is going to do them?  Tony?  No way.

This week marked one year since we had to euthanize and say goodbye to Stella.  I have to admit it has been quite a year and she would be proud of how we saved Rose and Casper in her honor.

I wish it would stop raining so I could go out an clean a rain gutter that is clogged.  Not looking like it is going to end anytime soon.

Also went to the dentist this past week for a dental cleaning.  The last appointment I had I got there to find out the appointment was canceled.  Was happy this didn't happen again. 

I am feeling OK.  I keep busy which keeps my mind off the topics that I can not control anyway like death and dying.  As long as I get my nap in the afternoon I seem to be doing OK and living a good life.  I can not imagine having to work. I am so exhausted my lunch I need a nap and then restart my day after the nap.  It is like I have two days in one.

The dogs are all doing great.  I can not imagine my life without them.

March 20, 2015 Friday Afternoon

I thought the last time a posted was about a week ago.  When I connected today I see it has been much longer.  I did delete some comments.  Please, this is not a dating site and your comments linking to a dating site will be deleted. 

The last couple weeks have gone by so fast.  Tomorrow is Tony and my one year anniversary of getting legally married.  It will also mark us being together for 26 years.  That's a long time.  We will go out for supper, in fact I made a reservation at a nice steak restaurant.  Broke down and went to my old doctor on Monday that I used to see before she left the practice she was at.  Got the meds I wanted and also a referral to a back specialist since my back is not getting any better the last few weeks getting worse.  I had back problems about 15 years ago and even had an MRI and shots.  All seemed to get better until recently and I feel it is time to revisit my back and see what my options are.  I know surgery is a last resort because my mom is still not happy with her recent back surgery.  I take pain pills for my back but I am starting to think they don't work as good and I have to find a different option before I become more dependent on them to relieve the pain.  Not sure there is an option other than surgery but that is why I went to see a specialist.  Will make the appointment hopefully next week.  I did look up the doctor online and looked over his profile.

The dogs are all doing great.  I found some pictures of the dogs I had not seen before, picture that were taken when they were surrendered from the terrible treatment they were getting.  Breaks my heart and adds more insight into why they act the way they do.  You can see more on Facebook at their site called:  Rose and Casper. 

I have been very good about still going on the treadmill at least four out of five days a week.  I do two miles on the treadmill and it takes me about 40 minutes.  I bring the dogs into the basement and let them chew on butcher bones while I walk the treadmill.  They look forward to my work out each morning for their bones.   Takes a couple days with each bone to get it chewed off and no longer wanted.  I am so happy with myself after I finish my two miles.  Some mornings I have to push myself and say 'just at least do one mile'.  I always end up doing the entire two miles and that makes me feel good. 

I have been dealing with my issues of death and dying by basically trying not to think about it.  I know it doesn't solve my issues with death and makes me feel like I am burring my head in the sand.  With that said, what more is there to deal with?  It will happen some day.   I tried to reason with my dog Casper the other day that is afraid of everything and everyone that if he stops being so afraid I will also.  Will see how that works going forward.

It did get to 50 degrees today.  I want Spring or Summer so bad.  Of course the wind shifts directions this weekend and Sunday is suppose to be below freezing and maybe snow again.  All the snow is gone from the yard and I even have the pond pump going for the fish that did survive the Winter. 

March is flying by.  Seems whether I keep busy or do nothing, time goes so fast.

March 4, 2015 Wednesday Afternoon

I can not believe it is March already.  The good thing about this is soon it might start getting warmer.  In fact after we come out of this weeks cold we should actually be in the 40s next week.  Can you just hear the excitement in me as I wrote that?  Honestly I am so sick of this Winter it will seem like a heat wave.  Just have to make it through this week.  We have not seen 40 since January.

The thought of Spring and warmer weather does so much for one's mind.  I read the comment from my last post and agree 100 percent.   I do wish I had a therapist to talk to.  I have had NO luck and talked with many throughout my 53 years.  Heck, my parents took me to one back in high school when they found out I had feelings for a teacher in school.  One of the last therapists told me he couldn't help me because I choose to be unhappy.  I don't choose this in any way.  In fact the past week I have done a lot of thinking.  Like the comment read, why worry about something that is going to happen yet I have no control over it.  This of course is easier said than done but I need to go back to my code word 'stop' when I start going down a destructive path of thinking.  I even thought about bargaining with myself and saying 'if you don't worry about death until 80, you can spent the rest of the years worrying then, if you choose'.   I think this might be my best solution.  Of course I wish I felt young with energy again and my lower back wasn't hurting like it has, but who knows what the future holds.  We did go to a funeral last Saturday for someone I knew from work.  Was sad to see his partner of 37 years hearing all the stories from all the people saying how sorry they were to hear of his loss.  I wonder how he will go on.  I guess we just find a way.

My mom broke down and cried on the phone with my this past Monday.  She had major back surgery about a month ago and is still in a lot of pain and not happy.  She even told me she wishes she did not have the surgery.  I have a bad back also and worry someday mine will give out.  This past week I have had to take a pain pill daily for the pain.  I even told Tony this past weekend after I shoveled more snow that I simply can not shovel snow anymore.  I had an MRI years ago showing my lower back was falling apart.  Even tried shots to help and the doctor couldn't get the needle between the bones. 

The dogs are doing great.  They really are my happiness.  I can look down at them and smile any time of the day.  I hate even leaving the house because they bring me the most happiness.  I did force myself to drive to the AIDS Resource Center today to get some free bread for us and the outdoor animals that I feed nightly.  I had some bread left and will have to go again next week to pick up my monthly HIV meds.  Was nice to get out of the house but I just feel so fearful of everything when I drive.  I drive like an old man, slow, both hands on the wheel. 

So now it is going on 4:30 PM and I have to decide if I am going to make salads and warm up last night's BBQ beef and mac and cheese, or go out for a cheap hamburger.  We have not gone out for Wednesday cheap hamburgers in months because of the cold.  It is still only 10 degrees outside but somehow the sound of a drink and going out sounds good. 

I am going to continue to try to improve myself in any way.  I think I need to make a lot of life changes, all scary to think about.  The first being to stop thinking about death and things I have no control over.  With a little help from the weather I might be able to do it.  I wish I could stop time.

February 24, 2015 Tuesday Afternoon

Almost two weeks have gone by since my last post.  I feel like I wasted them.

I still am sick.  I can not seem to shake this cold.  One day I feel a bit better only to wake up the next feeling like crap.  I am tired, coughing, sinus hurts, and just feel like going to bed.  I am able to get done the bare minimum like grocery shopping, but I have done little else.  I get the cleaning around the house done, but just the bare minimum.   Leaving the house is hard to do.   It has been very very cold here in Milwaukee and I just can not bring myself to go outside unless I truly have to.   This might come down as one of the coldest February on record.   I did force myself and Tony to go to a fund raiser last Saturday night for Pit Bulls, but we only stayed an hour and a half and came home.

My thoughts of death and dying are still filling my head daily.  In fact we have a funeral of a guy I knew that we have to go to this Saturday. Guy had a heart attach.  Been with his husband for 37 years.  Things like this scare me.  If something happened to Tony how would I have the strength to go on?  How could I do it all on my own?  I know many do it alone.  I have never and do not look forward to the day one of us dies and the other has to do everything and go on with life.  I find myself thinking of the past and crying that the time has gone by so fast and is slipping so fast from my grasp each day.  No matter if I do nothing, or keep my day packed with activity, the day is gone before I know it never to come back or be able to us again.  My parents health has not gotten much better in the past two weeks.  Mom puts on a brave front but I can tell she is still in a lot of pain since her back surgery.  The dogs are all doing great.  I guess I should be happy about that.  Rose did go to work today for the morning with Tony since it was 10 degrees this morning.  I frickin heat wave lately and she had to go to get out of the house for just one day.  She has not gone to work with Tony for about two weeks now due to the cold.  The other dogs have to just wait for Summer.  I have no ambition to take a dog for a walk in this cold.  Thankfully they have the side yard.  I do have to go out daily and pick up five dogs worth of dog poop. 

I wish I had ambition.  Any ambition.  I just feel like I want to do nothing.  Is it this long Winter?  Am I in a state of depression getting worse?  I feel cold all the time.  Shiver cold.  Can't get warm cold.  I wish I could sit in a sauna for a while to warm my body until Spring gets here.  I've been in a state of funk like this before but this one seems deeper and lasting longer with no end in sight.  All this has caused pain and tightness in my shoulders.  My lower back has also been hurting and I am not sure why since I do so little.  Lately washing the dogs is out of the question because even that makes my back hurt a lot for days after.   Anyone got any suggestions on how to get out of this funk of depression?  Any books you have read?  I am trying to read the book I bought called God Is My Ketchup, but just not getting into the book.   Seems too religious to me and I am not there yet. 

February 12, 2015 Thursday Morning

Kali made it through her dental surgery.  She had six teeth pulled.  I picked her up earlier than most dogs who have had this surgery due to the fact she was awake and ready to go.  Even the vet was surprised because of her advanced age.  She should have slept the day away.  She did come home and sleep the night soundly after her pain pill.

I am sick.  Just the common cold everyone gets this time of year.  Coughing, sinus hurts, feeling like crap.  Spent most of the day yesterday on the couch watching old videos from 1994 to 2001 of the dogs.  Makes me sad the time went so fast.  I will spend most of the day on the couch again today. 

A follower sent me an email and I thought you might find this interesting.  Healthline has compiled a list of the Effects of HIV in a visual graphic.   I was sent the following link and I thought my followers would be interested in seeing the information.

You can check out the information at http://www.healthline.com/health/hiv-aids/effects-on-body

February 9, 2015 Monday Morning

Having a rough morning today.  I have spent most of the morning in deep thought about death, dying, being alone, the pain and suffering in the end stage of life, and how will I manage when I get old if I am alone with no Tony or someone to take care of me.  These thoughts have been getting worse as this Winter has gone on.  I see my life slipping away into old age. 

Tony and I have been watching old movies and videos from when we started going out to now.  I have been taking all the VHS videos and putting them in digital format to last forever.  We are only up to watching up to 1997 and all the trips we took to Florida, the Bahama's and San Francisco.  I get sad watching the videos because I don't know where all the time went.  I also remember how much energy I had and fear of death was something I just didn't seem to have to deal with.  So maybe the depressed state I am in today has to do with looking back on my life.  I have said many times I would not change a thing.  I just want to go back and do it all over again and be able to tell myself to just enjoy the moment.  Maybe I should take that advice now?

Today's depressed mood and tears could have something to do with the fact we went to my parents home yesterday.   My parents are now 79 and 81 years old and not getting any better in health.  In fact my mom just a week ago had back surgery and my dad is starting to have health issues of his own.  It was dads 81st birthday.  Mom is on strong pain meds and just came home Saturday from rehab due to the back surgery and managing the pain.  I see my parents getting very old and their time coming to an end.  Of course this all means my life is coming closer to the end also.  As I left their house we had a discussion of how much time they think they have left.  Dad said five years.  I looked at them and said 'I sure hope not because I only see you about four times a year and that means I only have 20 more times to see you before your dead'?   Even typing that makes me cry.  Time is moving so damn fast and lately I can't seem to make it slow down.  No matter if I spend the day doing nothing or fill the day with activities, in the end, the day is always gone ... fast.  

Maybe it is also the fact the Kali goes in for dental surgery tomorrow.  She is 15 1/2 years old and the odds can be against her because the vet will need to put her under and that is a risk at her advanced age and with her heart condition.  I am spending the day making sure I say all my good byes and everything just in case she does not make it though tomorrows surgery.  Kali has been by my side for all six dogs that I had to put down.  She went to work with me.  She was there for me when I found out I was HIV and had AIDS.  She got me though the hardest and best parts of my life and can not believe I might have to say goodbye.   Kali's teeth are so bad if I don't take care of them now and she lives a couple more years, they will be horrible in at that time.  Plus in a year she will not make it through surgery.  Tomorrow will be a nail biter of a day waiting to pick her up.

I have for over a year now been wanting to write a letter to my old self to open when I get old and close to death.  I just can not bring myself to do it even though I want to do it so bad.  I want to tell myself that I had a good life, was happy, and did have love with Tony and all the dogs I was blessed with.  I think this is another reason why I have been making sure all our videos from the years are preserved so I can watch them as I am old and dying on my death bed someday.  That is how I want to go ... watching videos of all the dogs I was lucky enough to have in my life and love.   I have to force myself to write this letter since it really means a lot for me to do. 

So, sorry to log on and put all my sorrow and depression on you.  I guess it is good therapy for me to write this down and let myself see the good and bad in my life.  I wish it was warmer outside because I could really use a mind cleaning walk along the river.  If anyone can recommend any book on death or depression that have helped you cope with death and dying, please let me know.

January 30, 2015 Friday Morning

Spent most of this week working on a video project.  I figured out how to transfer my VHS tapes to the computer in MP4 format so I can watch them anytime.  I figure if I put all the years of video on my flash drive or laptop I will always have them to view if I am in the hospital someday.  Plus who has a VHS player anymore?  Been fun watching the video on the screen as it transfers to the computer.  It is a slow process.  A 2 hour VHS tape takes the 2 hours to transfer onto the computer and then another two hours for it to process the video into MP4 format.  Since I have about 12 tapes to transfer I am about half done.  I figure Tony and I will start watching them on Friday nights, starting tonight, one tape each Friday.  Since we have been together over 25 years it is fun to see how we and everything has changed.  Seeing Tiny and Shadow, my Poms, and all the other dogs makes me cry happy tears.  I figure once I get all the VHS tapes transferred I will throw away the VHS tapes for good. 

Last weekend we binge watched Transparent.  The entire 10 episode first season of the show.  Great show and very recommended.  I thought being gay was hard.  Being trans is a total mind fuck because of the people around you.  Find a way to watch it on Amazon.com.  We also have watched Boyhood and Pit Stop.  Boyhood was very good.

My mom is still in rehab from her back surgery.  It did not go as well as she expected and is not happy she is in so much pain over a week after the surgery.  Dad is having issues now too with his heart because of all the stress.  They are both getting old, 80 and 78 and I fear the end is near.  I have no clue how I will ever handle my parents deaths.  WOW.  

The dogs are all doing great.  I decided to have Kali's blood tested to see if she is strong enough to get her teeth cleaned one last time.  They are horrible but she is 15 1/2 years old.  It is risk I am willing to take since I have a feeling she will live a couple more years and will hate myself then if I don't do something now about her teeth.  I try to brush them and they bleed.  It is not pretty.  Tony was against it and I finally just made him get a flash light and look in her mouth.  I then looked him square in the eye and said 'you really don't think she needs the cleaning?'.   It will happen if the blood test comes back good.  If she died on the table, it would be something I have considered and could live with.  Heck, what a way to go.  No pain and not knowing. 

Not much else going on which is good.  My shoulders hurt from the stress of my parents and life.  I can't imagine what the pain would be like if I had 'real' stress.  I seem to create my own stress.  I did also get the book I ordered named God Is My Ketchup.  I hope to start reading it next week.  A follower recommended it.

The sun is out today but it is only 20 degrees.  I wish Summer or even Spring would get here.  I am so tired of Winter and the cold.  Haven't had a lot of snow, just a lot of cold.

January 20, 2014 Tuesday Afternoon

Not much has happened of interest since I last posted.  I did have a scheduled dental cleaning today at ARCW, our AIDS Resource Center here in Milwaukee, that I set up six months ago.  Got there for my 9 AM appointment and after 10 minutes waiting was told my appointment was canceled, someone should have called me, and the reschedule date is in April.  It is hard for me to get to an appointment at 9 AM and was not happy.  I did pick up my monthly prescriptions and food at the pantry.  Of course being closed yesterday they had no bread out for the taking.  I can usually grab a months worth of bread products for Tony and myself, as well as a slice for the rabbits each night outside.  Will have to go back later this week or next to grab some bread.  Since it was cloudy and only 30 degrees today I had no energy when I got home and spent the day doing very little.  I did manage to give Rose a bath since Tony brought her home from work at lunch with dirty legs and paws from her walk with her Uncle Tom.  Tom still goes to the shop most mornings and takes Rose for a walk.  My back now hurts from this bath which is why I usually have Tony give them their baths.  I just don't have the strength in my back for these 'bend over' things and I pay afterwards.  Speaking of back, my mom is having major back surgery tomorrow morning.  I pray it goes well because my father will pay the price in the end taking care of her. 

The dogs are doing great.  I still need to make an appointment for Kali to see the vet for her old age, and various issues.  Her tumor under her neck is getting so big it is making it hard for her to breath at night when she sleeps.  She is too old to have it removed so all we can do is watch, wait, and when we feel her quality of life is no longer here, do the humane thing and euthanize her.  She still is a happy girl going on 16 years old this Summer.

I still have been walking on the treadmill almost daily.  Only did a mile today versus 2 miles because of the dental appointment and just low energy today.  I hope it is the lack of sun rather than getting sick.  So many people are sick and I hope I don't get it.   

Time to get in the kitchen and start supper.  Wish I had more energy.  Cup of coffee did not help.