February 18, 2009 Thursday Morning

Tony left for work around 7:30 AM with a stool sample of Stella's to drop off at the vet. Something has to change. She still has the runs. Since he left I have done a little dusting and vacuumed the house. Tried mixing some music but the songs where not mixing well. Sometimes you have to be in the right mood.

The little voice in my head is shouting loud today. I would love to hear from people as to how they have turned off that voice in your head telling you - you have AIDS. Feeling like this sucks. I still feel like I am coming down with something or something is just not 'right'. That feeling I had prior to my diagnosis over a year ago. I am tired all the time, my glands are swollen, my throat is sore, and my face is killing me from the sinus problems. Today is my second day on an antibiotic. Am I just worrying to much? Still, I just can't get past the voice telling me 'you have AIDS'. How do you silence this voice? How do I tell myself 'I am not one of the lucky ones' anymore. I am thinking about scheduling another appointment when I am at ARCW today for my board meeting with the shrink again. This time I think I want a guy, the girl I had was great, but I feel I can be more honest and get a better point of view if the shrink has a 'guys' mind. It has been over a year now and I still can not grasp some days that I have AIDS. I know I should be happy I am alive. I know meds have gone a far way and many of my friends have had this for over 20 years. How do you live with the unknown for 20 years, much less the year I have had to live with this? I honestly just want to cry most days at the thought of having AIDS. I am looking for any help anyone can provide. Is this the way I have to live the rest of my life? Is this depression? I just want to crawl in bed most days and sleep so I can not hear the voice telling me I have AIDS.