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Having a sad / depressing moment so since I have no one in mind to bother or call with it I thought I would log on here and write it down.
Worked about 5 hours on Tuesday. Was at work by 8:30 AM. Came home so exhausted. I also put in about an hour of work at home. I did a little around the house and then went to lay down for a bit. Woke up an hour and a half later, almost 5 PM and was in such a tired foggy state it took about an hour to even think. Tony got home somewhere in between and I let him know I was in no condition to go anywhere much less make a big dinner. We ate TV dinners. Had terrible bowel problems all day. Tony did also, so it must have been something we both ate. Makes me feel better knowing he had problems too so I don't have to think it is AIDS related. Went to watch TV in bed by 8 PM and it was lights out at 10 PM. Told the boss I would be in early again on Wednesday. Was probably not a good idea.
This morning I woke up feeling even more tired. I honestly told Tony this morning if it were not for him and the dogs I would put a gun to my head. This total exhaustion is no way to live. Don't be calling the suicide squad. I would not at this time do that to Tony or the dogs. They depend on me. Anyway, pushed myself out of the house by 9 AM and got to work at 9:30 AM after a quick stop at you know where...........McDonald's. Got an orange juice and two breakfast burritos. Eating on the way to work finally woke me up. Half way to work though I remembered I forgot to take my morning pills. DAMN. First time forgetting. I did take them the minute I walked in the door this afternoon. I did a little ordering of product for work, sent out a few email to work, and then just couldn't do no more and laid on the bed. That is when the tears came. That's when the dark thoughts came. That's when I started balling.
I have so much I want to do. There is so much I could do around the house. I could work full time there is so much to do where I work. I look at the dogs pictures that are no longer here and dead and the tears just will not stop. I told you I was in a dark depressed state in the beginning. I just wish I was stronger. I wish I could do more. I wish I didn't have AIDS. I got to say, this is much different from a panic attach. It is a point of depression. I know. Also just got the mail and again social security wants me to fill out this 9 page questionnaire to try to get benefits. The same shit I have already filled out twice. I am so tired of having to push myself through life. I feel like I am always going up hill and never reaching my goal. I think of things I would change in my life if I had the chance. Not getting AIDS. Being nicer to my dog Shadow in her last two weeks of life. Having my dogs back that are not here anymore.
I told two co workers today I have AIDS. One cried. Both were shocked. It came out of my mouth easier than I would have thought. I even told the head teacher when they get to the subject in class on infectious diseases I would be willing to come in the classroom and share my story. Hey, its my life right? If I can help even one person not go down this path it is all worth it.
I am so tired I wish I could go to bed. When I lay in bed my mind races about dark memories and things I could or should be doing. Tears are honestly still streaming down my face as I think about how I have to at least vacuum before Tony gets home. Much less the dog dropping need to be picked up outside. And then there is dinner. I feel overwhelmed. I am not going into work until Monday. I have a board meeting for ARCW tomorrow and lunch on Friday. Have to get to Home Depot and Pick N Save somewhere in between that time also. Plus, the house hasn't gotten any paint for about a week. So much to do. So little time. So little strength.
I am sure this dark state will end in time. Thanks for letting me share.
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Dave.....everyone has their moments and when you take on too much that is when the stress builds up and the cup over flows and the crying bouts start and the bad thoughts enter. It is okay to let yourself have these days. It is not okay to have regrets that you dwell on. Go back to your positives and dwell there....Tony, your "kids", a house that is gorgeous, waking up everyday and walking around (even tho you don't feel like it),being able to take a nap when you feel bad, not having to worry about money at the moment, being able to drive yourself wherever you want to go and have the cars to do so. Think about the guys on the street who have no home and no accesss to the helping drugs that you do. They have nothing..food, clean clothing, doctors, transportation. Think of all the people who contracted AIDS 20 years ago and died because of the lack of knowledge. You cannot dwell on the fact that somewhere a mistake was made and this is what oyu got. It could be cancer, MS, heart disease, any number of things that also carry a death sentence, but only if that is what was meant to be. Go ahead and cry because this SUCKS and you have every right to break done on occasion. You are only human. You are leading a wonderful life and have a relatively great life with loving partners thru most of it. You still have the best one and he is still there for you. You have welcomed stray deserted animals into your home and given them a better life than they ever had. You have a bif heart and a puree soul. You would help anyone who needed this. I know this about you. So cry and then get up and start over. Maybe you need something more for the depression. I don't know what you are taking but try something else. Do some more research on what you should be eating! That crap you consume will killl you faster than anything else. YUCK! You have been here before and have come out of it. You can do it again. Don't sweat the small shit, my daddy used to say and I learned that the house would get painted and the floors would vacuumed all in good time. Really.....love ya, jo
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