April 29, 2014 Tuesday Afternoon

Saturday afternoon we saw psychic John Edwards.  There were about 300 people.  Was interesting but I liked Long Island Medium Theresa Caputo better.  Got home and ordered some Jimmy John's subs for supper since we were to have a light supper due to our Monday morning colonoscopies.

Sunday we spent the day eating Jell-O and soup chicken broth.  Went to Jo Ann Fabric in the afternoon to buy some material to hang over the deck roof I made to block the sun.  The clerk thought Tony and I made a cute couple and after I told her we just recently got married she looked at me and said 'I can see he really loves you'.  Thought that was sweet.  Came home and at 4 PM we both started drinking the prep solution for the colonoscopy.  Got what we had to drink done in the two hours and was one the toilet an hour after beginning to drink the solution.  Watched TV in bed and spent the night rolling around waiting for 2:30 AM to come so we could both start drinking the solution again to clean out our bodies.

Monday morning we got up by 3 AM and started drinking the colonoscopy solution.  Showered and left the house at 7 AM for our colonoscopies.  They took me in one room and Tony in another.  At 8:35 AM the nurse came and got me and took me to the room for the procedure.  The last thing I remember was the nurse telling me to lay on my side.  Next thing I was in my room and soon I was in Tony's room.  This is all a blur.   Got home by 11 AM and spent the rest of the day napping and watching TV.  Went to sleep early Monday night after watching Dancing With The Stars.  Funny how the mind works when under for the procedure.  Tony and I spent the night talking about what we did and did not remember.  Here is a run down of what we remember:

Tony and I spent last night comparing what we remember about the colonoscopy. Here is what we remember:

My memory after the colonoscopy returns when I am already in Tony's room. Tony had his procedure after mine so I was a bit more awake? I don't honestly remember walking to Tony's room. What is weird is even though my memory begins in Tony's room I do vaguely remember that I had graham crackers in my room. I remember thinking 'cool, graham crackers' since I do love them. What is funny is I don't remember what I drank with the crackers. Coffee? Water? What the cup looked like? Nothing. I assume I had coffee. Tony has no member of his coffee or crackers. I remember seeing him with crackers but have no memory of what he was drinking. Why would I remember the crackers and not the drink?

We both wondered how the employee knew to come get us and get McDonald's food for us. I checked my phone log on my cell phone 'to recall' that I called Tony's shop at 10:12 AM to have an employee come pick us up. I have no memory of telling him to bring coffee and McDonald's which he did bring because I guess I told him to.

We both wonder how we got dressed and have no memory of it. I somehow managed to put underwear, long johns, sweats, socks, and two shirts on without remembering. Funny thing is I always put my socks on after my long johns so I can put the socks over them so the long johns don't bunch up when I put the sweat pants on. My socks were not that way. Did I dress myself or did someone help me?

Scariest part is Tony drove our car home, I was the passenger, while the employee followed us in his car. Of course we were not suppose to drive home. I do remember saying 'we should stop at Home Depot' as we passed the store but remember nothing else about the ride home. Tony should not have drove home because he also does not remember much about doing it. As we talked about this drive home I honestly thought at first I had drove the car home. So scary.

I lastly last night mentioned to Tony as we were talking about this that one employee was not at the shop when I called. I remember telling Tony this at least four times during the day and when I mentioned it last night Tony did not remember me ever telling him. Too funny.

I had two polyps. Tony had six. I have to have another in six years. Tony will need another in 3 years.

 

Found out today from Tony's employee that I did indeed drive home after the colonoscopy.  Scary because I do not remember and Tony swears he drove home.  

 

This morning I was up by 7 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.   Did four loads of laundry during the course of the day.  It rained all day today and looks like this week it will rain every day.  Went to Home Depot and bought some stuff I needed for the deck.  Worked on the fabric overhang.  Spent the afternoon watching TV and listening to the rain fall.  Making salads and sweet and sour chicken for supper tonight.  Will spend the night watching TV and most likely go to bed early due to the rain and damp weather.   

April 24, 2014 Thursday Afternoon

Been working on a roof or covering over the side deck of the house.  I will hopefully get a picture posted soon once I get them off my camera.  My body sure feels the pain after working hard outside  like I have been. 

Yesterday was my birthday.  Had a nice day. I turned 53 years old.  Where do the years go.  I spent the day working on the deck roof and got half the roof panel up before calling it a day.  Took a shower and soon Tony came home early from work. We went out to eat at a nice steak restaurant.  I had a fillet, Tony had prime rib.  Both were good but I was glad I got the steak.  Was an expensive dinner and thankfully we don't do this often.  Came home and ate some cake and watched TV before going to bed for a little lovin and then to sleep.

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the three dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Still missing Stella as I feed the dogs.  Spent all day today finishing the roof above the side deck. Had to go to the hardware store at one point to get more washers for the screws.  Finished and got the furniture set put looking nice.  I actually looks like I added a room off the side of the house.  Just making some salads and pizza for supper tonight since my body aches and I just took a pain pill.  Will then spend the night watching TV most likely going to bed early.  I do enjoy working on projects but can not believe how much my body aches afterwards.  Must be old age.  Not liking the pain but it feels good to know it is because of hard work and living life.

April 21, 2014 Monday Afternoon

Saturday we spent the day doing things around the house, well, I did, Tony pretty much laid around watching TV.  Oh well, he does work all week.  Around 4 PM we went down the street to a bar party for the owner that died last week.  This was the after the funeral party.  Had a couple drinks and ate a little food before heading home.  Spent the night watching TV and doing the lovin thing before going to sleep.

Sunday we were up by 6 AM.  Had to shower and leave the house by 8:30 AM for a 9 AM Easter breakfast.  Sad half the people at the family table we don't really like.   (Tony's family)  Did I say that?   Had a nice 'all you can eat' breakfast and soon headed home.  Stopped at Walgreens to pick up some prescriptions, our prep kits for next Monday's colonoscopy included.  I am not looking forward to next Sunday and then Monday morning.  Stopped also to get lottery tickets.  After we were home for a while I talked Tony into going for a walk along the river trails with Bo.  Ended up sitting under the North avenue bridge watching the Milwaukee Fire and Rescue do some training in the river.  As we were watching a reporter came up to us and asked if he could interview us on camera.  Here is the final piece that aired Sunday night.  We are on the feed about 45 minutes in:

 

It really is amazing how the cameras just seem to find us.  We have been in the news and print so often in the past 25 years.  Sat and watched for about an hour and then came home.  Bo was so good the entire time and sat on my lap.   Made hamburgers for supper and spent the night watching a movie on ABC.  Went to bed after the movie.

 

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Tony soon left for work and I again reminded him to come home this morning to take me to Menard's to buy the roofing panels I need for the side deck.  They are on sale so I figure I might as well get them even though I have a lot of prep work to do before they are ready to be installed or put up.  I felt safer having Tony drive the truck and the panels hanging out 4 feet.  Got them all home OK considering they are 12 feet long.  Rain started around 1 PM so I figured it was a good time to take a nap.   Making a Hormel meatloaf and potatoes for supper tonight.  Will spend the night watching Dancing With The Stars and Castle before going to sleep.  It did get to 70 today but the rain is bringing a cool front that will drop us back to normal highs of 50s for the next few days.  I love 50s for working outside in the yard and hope I can get out there the next two days.

April 18, 2014 Friday Afternoon

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Did turn to feed Stella and caught myself.  Did tear up a bit.  Actually had a hard night last night.  Tony soon left for work and I started reading the morning newspapers.  I wanted to get outside and start working again and was outside by about 9:30 AM.  Went to the hardware store and got some wood I need for the current project.  I am keeping myself busy so I don't think of Stella.  I noticed by the size of my posts this past week how I don't write much because I am busy doing things.  I guess it is good to keep busy.  If I don't I start to cry.  I miss Stella so much.  I am sure the sad music I am playing right now isn't helping.  Went and had lunch with the guys.  Had a nice lunch.  Two of the guys were sick again this week.  Spent the afternoon working outside in the 50 degree weather.  I did notice my sun rash came back and I had to start putting cream on my forehead again.  I swear it is from the Epzicom that I get this sun rash.  Have to make sure I put sun screen on and wear a hat when I am in the sun.  Made a couple salads for supper and will most likely throw a pot pie in the microwave for Tony for supper tonight.  Will stay home tonight and watch TV.  Tomorrow we have a funeral of a local bar owner to go to and will then go to the bar for a drink or two after the funeral.  Sunday we will have a breakfast out with Tony's mom and sister at a restaurant on the south side of Milwaukee for Easter. 

I still am beating myself up about putting Stella down a week and a half ago.  I am getting to the point where I now can say she would be most likely having some problems and it might not be best for her any more.  Of course I have no way of knowing and I am just trying to rationalize my putting her down a week and a half a go.  I do keep telling myself that even if I put her down a bit too early ... I did it out of love and didn't want her in any pain.  That can not be wrong?  I also would have prolonged my pain and would have not let her do much these last two weeks so she wouldn't get hurt or over do herself.  So her quality of life would not have been what it should be also.  I just hurt so much inside and cry cry cry wishing I could hold her and have her back.  I know this is all normal.  Tony is already to the point where he doesn't want to see me cry so when I do break down I have to leave the room and try to pull myself together.   At night I just stare are the ceiling thinking about her and tears run down my face.

April 17, 2014 Thursday Afternoon

Spent most of yesterday doing things around the house.  Did leave once to go get my monthly HIV meds and food from the pantry.  Made a colonoscopy appointment for Tony and myself.  Made them the same day back to back so we can be in misery the day before together.  We both need one and am glad I finally broke down and made the appointment.  Was surprised they got us in so soon, a week form next Monday morning.  Last night we saw Theresa Caputo / Long Island Medium.  She was at the Riverside theater with about 2000 people.  She did come close to us but we did not get a reading.  I honestly was hoping for a reading as silly as that sounds.  I talked to my dead relatives for weeks telling them to come forward.  Actually had a little break down when we got home since I was praying for a message from Stella.  Of course Tony said 'you already got your message', which is true.  I also soon snapped out of it when I thought about all the hurt and pain that was in the theater and how fortunate I am to have the little pain I have.  Some people have really had a bad life and things happening to them.   Went to bed around 11 PM, crying a bit.

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  First morning of not reaching for Stella's bowl.  Spent the morning and early afternoon working outside in the yard.  It got to 50 degrees today in Milwaukee.  This afternoon I took Bo for a nice long walk along the river trails so we could see all the flooding from the recent rain.  The river is very high.  Just got back from Pick N Save to buy a few items.  Will most likely spend the night watching TV with the dogs.  I am so glad it finally looks like Spring is coming.

April 15, 2014 Tuesday Afternoon

The crematory called a little after I posted yesterday and said Stella's ashes were ready to pick up.  Tony and I went there and got her by noon.   They put the ashes in the urn I had picked out.  Came home and spent a little time picking out the right picture for on the front of the urn and putting the name plaque I made for the front also.  Put her collar and hair sample in the top compartment.  I did open the bottom to make sure there were ashes.  There are.  Spent the afternoon doing things around the house.  Made salads and a couple TV dinners for supper.  Spent the night watching Dancing With The Stars before going to sleep.

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Still cried this morning when feeding the dogs.  Seems to be the time that still gets to me.  Spent the day just doing things around the house.  Left a message with a doctors office that does colonoscopies.  Need to set one up for Tony and I and would like them back to back so we can do the prep the same day.  Misery is better with company I figure.  It never even got above 32 degrees today in Milwaukee.  Called in my monthly HIV meds to be picked up Thursday.  I did leave the house twice when I read of dogs loose in the neighborhood on a neighborhood website.  Didn't find either dog but later read they are safe.  Went to Walgreen's and picked up a prescription on one of the dog journeys.  Took a nice two hour nap with the dogs.  Nap time is different without Stella.  So much room on the bed and she was helpful as a border for Vito to not fall off the bed, being blind and all.  Making spaghetti and salads for supper tonight.  Will be an early night to bed.  Cold, damp, cloudy, day in Milwaukee.  Where is Spring?

April 14, 2014 Monday Morning

Friday night we went out for a cod fish fry at the restaurant we went to last Friday.  The fish fry was not as good as the week prior but will give them another try sometime in the future.  Came home and watched a little TV before going to the bedroom for a round of lovin and then went to sleep.  Still got up a couple times and walked the house hoping for a sign from Stella.  When Bo came up on the bed tonight all he wanted to do was play.  I have not seen him like this since his best friend Stella died.  I took note and even said 'my Bo is back'.   It was a noticeable change.

Saturday morning we were up by 7 AM.   Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Breakfast still makes me cry as I only make three of four dog bowls up with food.  Tony went to work for an hour around 10 AM.   When he got home I got him in the shower so we could do some things I had in mind in the afternoon.  Around noon we left the house to go to Menard's to price and plan my next outside project.  On the way to Menard's we stopped off at the Milwaukee Humane Society to look at dogs.  Tony did not want to.  I was no way going to get a dog, but was happy I was even considering it and opening my heart again.  Saw a deaf Pitbull and spent some time with it.  Unfortunately it is only 6 months old and not trained.  I could handle a deaf Pitbull if it was trained but I have no clue how to train a deaf Pitbull and would fail the dog.  Tony cried the entire time we were in the Humane Society looking at the dogs.  I actually smiled.   You know I miss Stella with all my heart and her death is tearing me apart.  With that said, I am so amazed how quickly I am to even consider another dog.  I guess I just figure we have the room and love and there are so many dogs that need a good home.  Stella gave us so much happiness and we need that back in the house.  We will get a dog or find one after May when we babysit Tony's sisters two dogs.  Can't bring one into the house before then.  I am not looking to replace Stella.  I am simply opening our home since we have the love and room.  Left and went to Menard's and bought some items and did some planning and pricing.  Came home and spent the later half of the afternoon with the dogs.   Around 4 PM a friend of ours came over with a picture he made of Stella.  After we fed the dogs we went out to eat and the same friend joined us.  Had a nice supper, good conversation, and three drinks.  I can't remember the last time I had three drinks.  As we went to leave it was hailing outside nickel size hail.  Ran to our car and drove the two blocks home.  Spent the rest of the night watching TV.  Went to bed around 9 PM and did another round of lovin and then went to sleep.

Sunday morning we were up by 7 AM again.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Made breakfast.  We went to Pick N Save around noon to get lottery tickets an some ham and rolls for supper.  Came home and soon Tony wanted a nap.  I think he really wanted more lovin.  Did the lovin thing and took an hour nap.  Made ham and rolls for supper and spent the night watching Good Wife and Mentalist before going to sleep.  Fell asleep during Mentalist and don't even know how it ended.

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Tony left for work around 7:30 AM.  Just stopped raining.  Rained all night.  It is only 34 degrees outside and not getting above 40 all week, or not much above. 

Had a major breakdown this morning crying over Stella.  I read the comments and appreciate them.  You are right, but it is still hard.  I do keep beating myself up thinking I wish I was stronger so I didn't put her down last week.   I wish I would have kept her alive and monitored the situation, giving her more time.  I know even as I type that, that more time could be even now, next week, but, that would have been more time at this point.  The fact she could still be by my feet right now kills me if it were not for our decision to put her down last Monday.  Of course how long and what would have happened next could have been heart breaking also.  So, I go back and forth.  Beat myself up one minute wishing I was stronger, knowing I did the best thing the next moment.  I guess I just miss her so much.  I am hoping they call and say we can pick up her ashes today.  Would be nice to get that over with and have her back home.  I will just do things around the house today.   To cold and damp to do anything outside.  Good day to clean if I get the energy.

April 11, 2014 Friday Afternoon

Spent last night watching TV.  Went to the bedroom at 9 PM and soon went to sleep.  Only got up a couple times during the night.   Once in tears.

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Still makes me sad to feed the dogs and have one less bowl to fill.  First thing this morning I sent the flag company a stencil of the Pitbull I want on the flag that will fly in the front yard.  Also worked on the side deck canopy I am in the process of planning and making.  Hopefully this weekend I will go to Menard's to check out the building materials and see if what I have in mind is cost effective.  Tony picked me up for lunch and we went and had a nice lunch with the guys.  After lunch we went downtown to pick up the plaque of all the dogs for on the flag pole.  Turned out great.   Took Bo for a nice walk to the river and a block down and back up to the house.  Took some treats and started some training.  Bo also met two new dogs and he was OK with them.  Growled a bit but then was nice.  I have to socialize him.  Tony will be coming home soon and we are going to go out tonight for a fish fry.  Same place as last week.  Hopefully it will be just as good.   Tomorrow it is suppose to get to 70 degrees and then the storms come and next week looks like more in the 40s.  

It is the fourth day since euthanizing Stella.  I miss her dearly and am having second thoughts about why I put her down that day and just didn't wait a while.  I am sorry I saved us both from pain.   I should have been thinking more about her pain than mine and then you would still be here.  Of course your future was uncertain and no cures so sooner or later we would be back at this point.  I just hate the fact I made the decision on Monday knowing she could still be here now if it were not for that decision.

April 10, 2014 Thursday Afternoon

Spent last night watching Criminal Minds and CSI before going to bed.  Slept a bit better.  Was still up a few times but at least they were not filled with tears.  Bo still is taking Stella's death hard.  He wouldn't even sleep with us on the bed in the beginning and didn't come up on the bed until after midnight.  So he is feeling the pain.  Stella was his best friend from day one when he walked in the door. 

This morning I was up by 6 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  I didn't want to spend the day crying again so I thought it best to keep busy.  Since it got to 50 degrees today I did a lot of work outside and also filled the hot tub.  Figure if I am going to start a new project over the deck I better have the hot tub to soak in at night to ease the pain.  Went for a walk along the river trails today. Actually was a little strange.  I took Stella's collar and a lot of tissue.  It is about a 2 mile walk along the trails.  As I started my walk I was talking to myself like I often do and asked God, spirit guide, anyone, for a signal that I have done the right thing euthanizing Stella on Monday.  I then joked that I would probably miss the sign if I wasn't specific.  So I said, "let me see another dog like Stella on the walk".   I laughed knowing in five years of walking the trails I have never seen a Pitbull with the same marking and colors at Stella.   Honest to God on the way back home the final path I could not believe my eyes.  Up head was a couple walking a Pitbull about half the size of Stella with the same face markings and colors.  I started crying.  I then stopped the couple as they walked by and explained my story and tears.  WTF?   The dog was maybe 6 months old but had the same face color and markings.  A sign?  Why do we even doubt?   Heck, I asked for a specific sign and I got it and I still doubt.  Human nature?   It did throw me and I will have to process this.   Making salads and a Hormel pot roast for supper.  Will spend the night watching TV with the dogs. 

April 9, 2014 Wednesday Afternoon

Last night after Tony got home from work and showered we went up the street to have some $2 tacos and a drink.  Came home and spent the rest of the night watching NCIS and NCIS LA.  Went to the bedroom at 9 PM and by 10 PM I was sleeping.  Woke up at 2 AM in tears.  Walked the house for a while.  Bo was up most of the night also.  He didn't even sleep all night on the bed.  I know he is processing his best friend not being here any more.  I guess as humans we at least know what happened.  I can see he is confused and wants his best friend back.  Tried to sleep a bit but was up most of the night after 2 AM.

This morning I was up and out of bed by 6 AM.  Fed the dogs.  Second day reaching for Stella's bowl only to remember she is no longer here.  I put her bowl away so it is just reflex.   Of course feeding the dogs made me break down in tears not having Stella here.  Spent the early morning going through pictures of Stella's almost 10 years with us.  Got on Walgreen's website and had a few made into 8 x 10's and one into a 11 x 14 for the bedroom.  Went grocery shopping around 11 AM.  Honestly my mind is mush.  I couldn't make any decisions and just threw stuff in the cart.  Came home and soon the pictures were ready to pick up so I want to Walgreen's to get them.  After I got home I decided to go for a walk and took Bo with me.  Took a nice long walk along the river trails with Bo.  Never took him before but think I might start.  Of course that means leaving 2 dogs home.   Ended up taking the other two dogs one by one up the alley.  Vito is blind so it is just a matter of letting him sniff for a while.  Making hamburgers and French fries with a salad for supper tonight.   Will most likely just spend the night watching TV with the three dogs.  Sure is different on the bed at night without the big Pitbull and only 3 small dogs.   Lots of room.  Would be happy to have less room and my baby back.  Ordered a small name plate for on the urn with Stella's name and dates.  Will most likely get her ashes later this week or early next week.   It got to 60 degrees in Milwaukee today.  We have not been this warm since last October.  Sure felt good.  Have to treat myself better.  This death of Stella has taken a toll on my health and with my HIV I have to stay strong and healthy.  I can just imagine what this week has done to my TCell count.

April 8, 2014 Tuesday Afternoon

I don't know where all the tears keep coming from.

Yesterday afternoon we did indeed take Stella to the vet for her 2:30 PM appointment.  The vet was surprised by the sink hole in her head and cheek and how fast this came on since she had just seen her a week earlier for the stroke she had on March 26th.  We talk about the fact that we have tried everything possible to clear her ears and they keep getting infections.  We clean them, medicate them and nothing changes.  Since we have hit the end of the road it would be just a matter of taking Stella home and waiting for her to get sicker and eventually have to be put down then.  So many things factor in including ones one sanity in making this decision.  Stella, being a Pitbull is so strong and by the time she would show us she has pain, it would most likely be too late and we would hate ourselves for waiting.   With her head caving in was she in pain?   Would she be in pain soon?   I did ask the vet to tell me point blank that what I am doing is OK.  She looked at me and said 'It is OK'.    So the vet took Stella into the back room to put a catheter in her and I laid out her blanket on the floor in the room.   Stella came running back in the room and right to me on the floor waiting for her.  Since we have unfortunately been through this five other times, I know what comes next and just to get it over with.  We have already said everything to Stella and prolonging this is just not an option.  The doctor started injecting the drugs into her and Stella jumped up for a second and I held her back down.   The entire time I kept saying over and over again 'I love you so much, thank you for being my baby, I am so sorry'.   Over and over.  I still say it now over and over crying.  She then rested her head on my shoulder like she did many many nights in bed.  It was over.  She then let out one last breath of air.  We wrapped her up and brought her home in the container we bought Sunday for her.  Showed the other three dogs at home her body.  Kali didn't seem to care, like she had seen this too many times before.  Vito and Bo just kept sniffing her.  I then cut off some hair to save and covered her up and put the lid back on the container.   Spent last night watching TV and crying.  Slept like crap.  Maybe and hour, then jump up and think of Stella and start crying, all night.  Bo is visibly upset and kept going up to the container and sniffing it.  He was up all night too and the four times I let him out I think they were to check on Stella in the container outside on the deck. 

This morning I started ordering the new flag for the flag pole out front with now 6 dogs on it.  Also had to order a new plaque with her pic and dates for on the pole.  I have done this for all 6 dogs now and thankfully the companies who have made this stuff for me has it all on file and just needs to add a dog each time to the flag or plaque.   Also ordered a copy of our marriage license which seems not very important now under the circumstances.   Tony and I then at 10 AM today took Stella to Pet Lawn Crematory to have her cremated and then will pick up her ashes in the new urn I bought there also.  They are also making a cast of her paw print which I thought was really nice.   Took a nice long nap with Kali, Vito and Bo this afternoon.   Going to be a quite night again tonight at home.   I miss my baby Stella and the second guessing and regrets today are chewing me up. 

April 7, 2014 Monday Morning

Today is going to be one of my worst days of my life. 

Saturday morning while Stella was eating I noticed her head / skull had a 'sink hole' type thing going one between her left eye and left ear.  We rushed her to the vet mid morning.  Vet looked at her and said to bring her back on Monday at 2:30 PM.   I spent the weekend looking on the Internet for what was happening to Stella.  Seems the tumor is eating away her cartilage of her skull.  From everything I read, there is little that can be done and the things that happen next are not pleasant for her or us.  She will soon loose her cognitive skills and bowels.  Then seizures and then coma.  Sunday morning we saw her cheek now had a 'sink hole' also so things are progressing fast.  Tony and I spent the weekend talking, giving Stella all the love we can, and planning for her demise today.

So, at 2:30 PM today Tony and I are taking Stella to the vet to be euthanized.  I have been crying all weekend and have to be strong.  I hate this part about dog ownership.  I just keep telling her how much I love her and how sorry I am that this is the end.  Watching the hours go by waiting for this afternoon has been horrible.  We will bring her body home to show the other dogs so they have closure.  Learned from past dogs this seems best or they just don't know what happened to their puppy friend.   Will then take her body tomorrow to get cremated so I have the ashes. 

So, today is going to suck.  I have to be strong.  I am going to have to find the strength to do what is right for my baby and I don't know where I will draw that from.  I love you Stella and I am so sorry I have to do this.

April 4, 2014 Friday Afternoon

The last two days have not been good weather days in Milwaukee.  Yesterday it barely was above freezing all day and today it is about 40 degrees.  I never left the house yesterday.  Both days it drizzled and rain on and off all day.  Spent most of yesterday working on my Lawlessmilwaukeecouple Facebook page.  Spent last night watching Grey's Anatomy and then doing the lovin thing before going to sleep. 

Today we took Vito to the vet to have his nails trimmed.  Picked up another weeks worth of antibiotic for Stella while we were there.  Stopped off at McDonald's for a couple hamburgers and came home.  No lunch with the guys today since half are sick.  I don't want to get sick like them so we decide to call off lunch this week.  Tony went back to work when we were done eating.  I took a nice two hour nap with the dogs.  It is not raining right now but it is windy and feels damp and raw outside.   Will most likely go to a new restaurant down the street for a beer battered fish fry. 

No plans this weekend.  I just want warm weather and tired of waiting for it.

April 2, 2014 Wednesday Afternoon

It has been cold in Milwaukee.  Much colder than normal.  The last two days we have gotten to 34 degrees for a high.   Today is much the same.  It should be in the 50s this time of year in Milwaukee.  The sun is out and you look outside and think it would be so much warmer.  Stella is doing much better.  She can walk on her own.  She only looses her balance when she shakes her head.   Been busy the last couple days making up future posts for the Facebook page Lawlessmilwaukeecouple that I started the day after we got married.  I am happy with how it is growing and catching on.  I try to promote the page with every post I make on Facebook.   Spent last night watching NCIS and NCIS LA before going to the bedroom.  Did a round of lovin and after an hour of TV I went to sleep.  Tony is sleeping minutes after the lovin.

This morning I was up by 6 AM with bowel problems.  Not happy lately with my bowels and will have to find out why I am bleeding.   I have to set up colonoscopies for Tony and myself.  We are both due and I have to stop putting off making the appointment for them.  I know the prep part is worse then the actual colonoscopy.   Making left over spaghetti for dinner tonight for Tony.  I will most likely just have a sandwich since I bought myself some chili when I went to Pick N Save this morning to do the weekly grocery shopping.   Grabbed a recent Shepard Express magazine to see us featured in the 2014 City Guide.  Our house is listed as a 'must see' destination.   Will spend the night watching TV with the dogs.    I want warm Summer air so bad.