April 18, 2014 Friday Afternoon

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Did turn to feed Stella and caught myself.  Did tear up a bit.  Actually had a hard night last night.  Tony soon left for work and I started reading the morning newspapers.  I wanted to get outside and start working again and was outside by about 9:30 AM.  Went to the hardware store and got some wood I need for the current project.  I am keeping myself busy so I don't think of Stella.  I noticed by the size of my posts this past week how I don't write much because I am busy doing things.  I guess it is good to keep busy.  If I don't I start to cry.  I miss Stella so much.  I am sure the sad music I am playing right now isn't helping.  Went and had lunch with the guys.  Had a nice lunch.  Two of the guys were sick again this week.  Spent the afternoon working outside in the 50 degree weather.  I did notice my sun rash came back and I had to start putting cream on my forehead again.  I swear it is from the Epzicom that I get this sun rash.  Have to make sure I put sun screen on and wear a hat when I am in the sun.  Made a couple salads for supper and will most likely throw a pot pie in the microwave for Tony for supper tonight.  Will stay home tonight and watch TV.  Tomorrow we have a funeral of a local bar owner to go to and will then go to the bar for a drink or two after the funeral.  Sunday we will have a breakfast out with Tony's mom and sister at a restaurant on the south side of Milwaukee for Easter. 

I still am beating myself up about putting Stella down a week and a half ago.  I am getting to the point where I now can say she would be most likely having some problems and it might not be best for her any more.  Of course I have no way of knowing and I am just trying to rationalize my putting her down a week and a half a go.  I do keep telling myself that even if I put her down a bit too early ... I did it out of love and didn't want her in any pain.  That can not be wrong?  I also would have prolonged my pain and would have not let her do much these last two weeks so she wouldn't get hurt or over do herself.  So her quality of life would not have been what it should be also.  I just hurt so much inside and cry cry cry wishing I could hold her and have her back.  I know this is all normal.  Tony is already to the point where he doesn't want to see me cry so when I do break down I have to leave the room and try to pull myself together.   At night I just stare are the ceiling thinking about her and tears run down my face.