April 8, 2014 Tuesday Afternoon

I don't know where all the tears keep coming from.

Yesterday afternoon we did indeed take Stella to the vet for her 2:30 PM appointment.  The vet was surprised by the sink hole in her head and cheek and how fast this came on since she had just seen her a week earlier for the stroke she had on March 26th.  We talk about the fact that we have tried everything possible to clear her ears and they keep getting infections.  We clean them, medicate them and nothing changes.  Since we have hit the end of the road it would be just a matter of taking Stella home and waiting for her to get sicker and eventually have to be put down then.  So many things factor in including ones one sanity in making this decision.  Stella, being a Pitbull is so strong and by the time she would show us she has pain, it would most likely be too late and we would hate ourselves for waiting.   With her head caving in was she in pain?   Would she be in pain soon?   I did ask the vet to tell me point blank that what I am doing is OK.  She looked at me and said 'It is OK'.    So the vet took Stella into the back room to put a catheter in her and I laid out her blanket on the floor in the room.   Stella came running back in the room and right to me on the floor waiting for her.  Since we have unfortunately been through this five other times, I know what comes next and just to get it over with.  We have already said everything to Stella and prolonging this is just not an option.  The doctor started injecting the drugs into her and Stella jumped up for a second and I held her back down.   The entire time I kept saying over and over again 'I love you so much, thank you for being my baby, I am so sorry'.   Over and over.  I still say it now over and over crying.  She then rested her head on my shoulder like she did many many nights in bed.  It was over.  She then let out one last breath of air.  We wrapped her up and brought her home in the container we bought Sunday for her.  Showed the other three dogs at home her body.  Kali didn't seem to care, like she had seen this too many times before.  Vito and Bo just kept sniffing her.  I then cut off some hair to save and covered her up and put the lid back on the container.   Spent last night watching TV and crying.  Slept like crap.  Maybe and hour, then jump up and think of Stella and start crying, all night.  Bo is visibly upset and kept going up to the container and sniffing it.  He was up all night too and the four times I let him out I think they were to check on Stella in the container outside on the deck. 

This morning I started ordering the new flag for the flag pole out front with now 6 dogs on it.  Also had to order a new plaque with her pic and dates for on the pole.  I have done this for all 6 dogs now and thankfully the companies who have made this stuff for me has it all on file and just needs to add a dog each time to the flag or plaque.   Also ordered a copy of our marriage license which seems not very important now under the circumstances.   Tony and I then at 10 AM today took Stella to Pet Lawn Crematory to have her cremated and then will pick up her ashes in the new urn I bought there also.  They are also making a cast of her paw print which I thought was really nice.   Took a nice long nap with Kali, Vito and Bo this afternoon.   Going to be a quite night again tonight at home.   I miss my baby Stella and the second guessing and regrets today are chewing me up.