+75per.JPG)
The following post is about sex. So, if you do not want to read about gay sex, skip this post.
I wasn't sure if I was going to share this but since I promised to be honest and direct with my life here it goes. I am so mad at myself and Tony. More at myself, but still at Tony. As I have mentioned in earlier posts Tony and my sex life consists of me giving him oral sex while I masturbate. It is satisfying to both of us. We have discussed the risks and since it is the less risky sex we both have felt comfortable continuing. Shortly after the beginning of the year Tony developed a small sore on his penis. The doctor said this was due to the thrush in my mouth at the time and that an antibiotic ointment and holding off for a while would be the best solution. It is nothing but a fungus type infection. Not any other sexually transmitted disease. We followed the doctors orders and by April or May all was clear again and we continued. Now that you have a little background.......... The other night we were having sex when in the middle of oral sex I noticed Tony once again had a small sore on his penis. Same spot, near the lip of the head. Of course I stopped and pointed it out to Tony. He blew it off as no big deal and had me continue. I reluctantly continued. After the sex I felt horrible about this and was so mad that myself or him didn't had enough control to just STOP the act. Can sex be that important that we would risk his or my life over it? We didn't talk for about an hour until I went into the bedroom where he was still laying on the bed. I brought up the discussion about how I felt about us being so stupid and careless and told Tony I would never again give him oral sex if he has a sore on his penis. I know HIV can not be transmitted through saliva but I also know it can be transmitted if I had a sore in my mouth to his sore on his penis through blood. How stupid could we be? Tony like I said showed no concern and still doesn't. I on the other hand am so mad at myself because it would kill me if some day Tony turned up HIV+ due to me. I share this with you so that others not only can see my faults, but also how a couple together over 20 years deals with the fact when one is HIV+ and the other is HIV-. I share this to show we are all just human and make mistakes and risky decisions even though we should know better. Any comments positive or negative, or personal experiences would be helpful and appreciated. If anyone can share their stories in a similar situation it would help me and others. If you do not feel comfortable posting a response here please email me at djones2659@att.net.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
But there is no way to know how long oyu were HIV positive before oyu found out and Tony had not contracted it from you then. You would know that you had a sore i n your mouth right? Why can't you rely on mutual masterbation? It seems kind of one sided to me. I know that if I was always the one giving head and I got nothing I sure wouldn't be happy. Does the thrush never go away? Maybe if you gargle with hydrogen peroxide before hand it would make sure to be clean. I don't know...just a thought. I know babies get thrush and it doesn't last forever. This would mean you could never kiss again either if you are worried about it.And I am sure that you kiss. Right? I don't know but there must be a solution. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Not everything but surely needed to bond and keep close thru the intimacy.
ReplyDeleteIt is rare for me to comment on a comment. I have heard many many times how one sided Tony and my sex life is. I have always agreed. I have always thought that sex was important however I have also learned that it is not the most important part of a relationship. In the beginning, over 20 years ago, it was clear from the start that even though Tony was gay he did not like giving oral sex or receiving anal sex. He always enjoyed receiving oral sex and being on top during anal sex. Since I always enjoyed giving oral sex as well as being the bottom in anal sex it was always a good fit. About 15 years ago I had a surgery which made anal sex no longer pleasurable so we were down now to oral sex. Tony adjusted to do without even though he enjoyed it so I always thought that was a good husband. I never liked giving anal sex much anyway. Would I have loved a bj once in a while other than on my birthday? Yes. Do I think he is a selfish lover? Yes. Could he recipricate more often? Yes. But with that said, he is still by my side after all these years and all the adjustments we have had to make. I think that says a lot. Heck, I even try to make him a deal once in a while like 'if you rub my back for 15 minutes I will rub your back' and he won't rub my back. He is not that romantic or physical. Sex is more of a release for him. In the end, if I was to call him in an emergency any time during the day he would be there to help in a flash. So, I have learned to balance what is important in a relationship. All comments are welcome.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am writing from the UK, having just seen your post on The Body website - which led to me visiting you here.
Firstly I want to say I am so impressed with your honesty and openness on this blog. I surf around a fair bit (I've been HIV since 2000) but I have never found such a website before. This is quite remarkable. Like you I am in a relationship with a partner who is negative and like you I have great concerns about having sex with him. We also are devoted to our extraordinary pets.
I'm not going to give you any advice on the problem mentioned above. I'm just going to tell you that since 2000 my partner and I have had sex only two or three times. This is largely because of me. I just cope with the idea of possibly infecting him. Additionally, now that I have continual bowel problems, I'm no longer ready and able, as I used to be. The last time we had sex, about a year ago, in the heat of it my partner went into me saying because of my viral load being "zero" it couldn't be a problem for him. It probably wasn't, but we both know that the viral load is never actually "zero". This is a really difficult problem. But we have real love so we can get by without the sex.