September 14, 2009 Monday Afternoon

New blood test number are in.

Sunday Tony and I got up and after reading most of the Sunday Newspaper I made breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs, sausage and muffins. Tony then got in a cleaning mood so I stayed out of the way and let him clean. It does not happen often and I have learned when he gets in this mood to let him go. After all, he is cleaning areas like the bathroom and such that I HATE to clean. Middle of Sunday afternoon my parents drove into Milwaukee to drop off a ceiling fan they no longer use and then they were headed down to the lake front for a kite show. I got Tony in the shower and we met them down at the kite show. It was amazing. At times 8 people had kites doing tricks and acrobatics to music. Came home around dinner time and made chicken, corn on the cob and baked potatoes along with an already made salad I bought earlier in the day at the grocery store while Tony was cleaning. Spent the night watching TV and to bed by 10:30 PM. Shortly before dark one of the dogs was nice enough to bring me another baby bird they caught and killed. It breaks my heart when they do this. I try so hard to watch them when they are outside so to not let them get the birds. Life is not fair. My baby bunny is also now confirmed gone.

Today I woke up very nervous about my early afternoon doctor appointment with my infectious specialist doctor to get me latest round of blood test results. So here is the latest: I am still Undetectable (this is good and expected), my TCell count has continued to rise and has gone from 284 to 315. I am told that is a 15% ratio whatever that means. I was told that is good. I honestly was hoping for a higher number somewhere in the 400 range. Went over many of my concerns with the doctor. We are setting up a Bone Density test some time in the future to see if my bones are wearing down like I think, a side effect of the meds. I will let you know when that happens. He also wants a chest xray which he says we should have already taken and somehow it slipped through the cracks. The doctor is also concerned about my cholesterol levels which are now not good and most likely do to a counter reaction from the Atripla. He has switched me to a new cholesterol drug and a new prostate drug. Since I turned in the prescription sheet at the pharmacy on my way home I do not have their names right now. I will update the sidebar 'current medications' when I find out the specific names. I should have taken an anxiety pill prior to going to the doctor today. This was the first time Tony did not go with me. As I sat in the doctors office all I could do is cry. I couldn't stop crying. I simply seem to loose it when I have to go see this doctor and updated results. He is a good doctor, I am told one of the best, but it just takes a toll on me. Pulled myself together long enough until the doctor walked into the room and then I busted out crying again. When he asked why, I simply told him 'I hate having this disease'. He told me I am doing well and my progress is just what he would want and expect. This is some comfort, but it still doesn't take away the fact I am considered AIDS. The doctor is not sure why the sun is burning my skin and the rashes I seem to get from being out in the sun. He assumes it is from one of the drugs and simply told me to continue to put sun screen on if I am going to be outside for any length of time. I lost another 3 lbs since my last appointment. I think it is my bone mass shrinking. The doctor also told me my thrush and mouth problems are gone. Gone. So any problem Tony is having with a sore on his penis is by no means my fault. He said he is 100% sure it is not from my mouth. I told him I really wish Tony was sitting here to hear this because he keeps blaming me. When I called Tony after returning home and told him this along with all the other news he simply went speechless. I even had to ask him if he was still on the telephone line. Is it wrong for my mind to wonder if he could be fooling around on me? Is it wrong for me to ask considering what I have put him through in the last 9 months? I simply said to him 'you are not getting that from me, so I don't know where your getting it'. I seriously do not know where to go with this. I trust Tony 100% but if he did not and is not getting this fungus infection on the head of his penis from me, where is he getting it from? The doctor asked if he was circumcised, which he is. Any thoughts? Do I go down this road or let it go? The sore has cleared up, but we have not had sex in a couple weeks now without a condom. Sucking a condom is not fun even with flavor lubricant. Tony has never to this day asked me how I think I got AIDS or accused me of fooling around on him in our 20+ years together, is it fair for me to ask or accuse him? Need to spell check and sit back for a while and go through my 4 pages of blood test. Any and all comments are really appreciated.

Tomorrow night Tony and I have concert tickets to see The Pet Shop Boys. Should be a fun concert.