October 31, 2009 Saturday Afternoon

Happy Halloween.

Thought I was having an ok day yesterday. Got up and ordered my yearly Christmas cards on line with Walgreen's. Got showered and headed out the door. First stop was the post office to by a roll of stamps, $44.00. Second stop was the grocery store to do my Friday morning grocery shopping. Third stop was to Walgreen's to pick up the Christmas cards I ordered on line hours before. Got home and unpacked the groceries, set out the Christmas cards and looked for the roll of stamps I bought first in my travels this morning. No stamps. Damn it! They must have fallen out of my pocket somewhere in my travels. Called both stores to see if someone turned in a roll of stamps, to no luck. Got in my car and backtracked my stops to see if I could find the roll of stamps. No luck. Just threw $44 out the window as far as I am concerned. I am so pissed off. Got my cards all addressed and in envelopes. Now I just have to buy another roll of stamps. Pretty expensive Christmas cards this year. Went to lunch with the guys. Came home and did a little around the house before going to the bedroom to take a nap. Still cloudy in Milwaukee which makes my day harder. Last night I made barbecue beef for dinner and a salad. Went to bed around 10:30 PM. Got a call from our friend Scott Adams around 2:30 this afternoon since I started calling his 866 line every 1/2 hour since the time I woke up. He told Tony we should have gotten our check and would do a trace to find out where it was and get back to Tony. By 5 PM I started the calls again. I think this was just another stall tactic and I will not put up with it. It cost HIM money every time I call the 866 number, so I am going to get some satisfaction.

Got up today and made eggs and muffins for breakfast. Tony headed off to work. Been watching TV all morning. Lots of horror flicks on because of Halloween. Watching the movie The Birds. I love this movie. I was not allowed to watch it as a kid when I was young. Didn't see if until I was in my 20s for the first time. Have to put out a 'no candy' sign to keep the trick or treaters away, then off to a play this afternoon called Bunkbed Brothers. Should be funny. Got good reviews. Stars John McGiven who is well known here in Milwaukee. Very gay, very funny. Been calling our friend Scott Adams all day again today. Seems his lies and calls back to us have stopped. I will get satisfaction. He does not realize who he is dealing with, ME.

October 29, 2009 Thursday Night

Was a cloudy day here in Milwaukee today. Made it very easy to be 'myself' in today's social security appointment with their head shrink. It was a 9:30 appointment. Got up and walked into the living room to no sound on the TV and it on. The stereo receiver the sound goes through finally died. So that started the day off on a sour note. Had the runs most of the morning and again this afternoon. Wore my sweats, a t shirt, and didn't even comb my hair when I went to the social security appointment. Even wore my slippers. Since my mind had not started because of the cloudy day it was a good day to have this appointment. I think he was much more on my side than the last guy. I felt the difference. When I pulled out my huge bag of prescription bottles I could see his eyes get larger. He asked me if I take all them. I said 'yes, daily'. When I went to get the list out of my folder, the folder fell to the floor and all the paperwork scattered around my feet. I looked at him and cried. I was in the room for about a 1/2 hour asked questions everything from: What is my greatest fear (swine flu was my response), what is the current and past presidents names, adding and subtracting numbers, repeating sets of numbers and then reversing them, what my day is like, what it is like to be in public, do I see my friends, do I take drugs (I laughed and then cried as I said 'just all these' as I picked up my bag full of medications). Tony then was asked to go in and speak to him and they were done within ten minutes. Tony made me sound horrible and I don't think he needed to hear much. Tony said all the correct 'horrible' things. Maybe horrible isn't the right word. But Tony said all he needed to. Basically told him I am not what I was when he 'signed' on 20 years ago. In fact, the shrink told Tony he will file his report by Monday and he sees no reason why I would not receive social security based on what he has seen and heard. Sounds like a done deal, lets cross our fingers. I had a better vibe about this guy than the last. The last guy I could tell he was not sympathetic to anything I said. Today's guy sometimes finished my sentences with a better answer than I would have even thought of. Came home totally exhausted to be honest. Tinkered around the house and then took a long afternoon nap. Got up around 4 pm and made a big dinner for Tony and I. After this post I am going to the couch to watch TV for the night.

October 28, 2009 Wednesday Night

Worked the last three days longer hours than I should. Got home Monday night, had a good day at work, but went to bed around 9 PM because I was exhausted. Worked with the owner all day which always makes for a much more pleasant day. We get along great and it keeps the other employees on task. Tuesday I got a little frustrated and left work around 3 PM when I tried to go on the internet and order a product. I had to order some ziplock bags from a company and I could not focus enough through the hundreds of choices. Size, strength, kind of opening, was just too much for me. Got home and worked from home a few hours updating spreadsheets on the computer. I can do tasks like that, but when I have to make decisions my mind simply goes blank at times. It is very frustrating. It is like a brick wall comes up and my mind can not get to the other side. Made some soup for dinner and went to bed around 10 PM. Today I worked from 8:30 - 3:30. Got home and did a little work around the house. Made some canned beef stew and a side.

Tomorrow I have my social security hearing with another doctor of their choosing. Another 'mind' doctor. This will be my second go at seeing one of their doctors. I know a little bit more now and hope it goes better than the last one. Will not make the mistake of all things, showering and looking half way decent for the interview/appointment. Tony has to come with me and will get interviewed also about what I can and can not accomplish. I hate this crap. Filled a huge zip lock bag of all my prescription bottles for the doctor as I was told to do. I am so amazed at all the meds I take daily. Will let you know how the doctor visit goes after I get home. It is a morning appointment and mornings are even harder for me, so I should be showing my true colors for him/her.

October 25, 2009 Sunday Afternoon

Friday was a rainy damp day here in Milwaukee. I did manage to push myself to go grocery shopping in the morning and had lunch with the guys. Spent the afternoon on the couch watching tv and napping. My mom called to say she loves me. We talked for a while. She had spoken to my sister earlier in the day about my disease and she had a little more information. I wish she got on the internet, but she doesn't know much about computers. She could learn so much more if she got on the internet. That night I made a store bought meat loaf, potatoes and corn for dinner and we stayed home out of the rain. Wrote a long email to my boss stating I can no longer assist her in the way I have been lately. I have been working way to many hours and the stress has finally caught up with me. Explained I am willing to do projects for her but I can not be in control of the warehouse and the employees and have everyone dumping on me all day like they do. I can not keep all that needs to be kept up with in my mind. I am over whelmed and I can do it no longer. I told her in the beginning prior to returning I could not and would not put up with the stress I did in the past. I reminded her of that. I don't want to stop working, but I can not work the 8-4 shift or more like I have been. I guess I will let the chips fall where they fall. If she tells me not to return I would not be happy, but I honestly can not continue in the manner I was. I must put my health first. Don't know how the bill will get paid since Tony is not making money these days at the shop. He has been making enough to pay the shop bills, but the household bills my pay has been paying for them.

Saturday we laid around most of the day. Neither one of us had any energy. I did manage to get Tony out of the house later in the afternoon and we went to see the movie Couples Retreat. It as OK. Saturday night I called my mom to see how she was. My dad left for Florida to their condo for about 10 days so now she is left alone to deal with my news. I do feel for her. We did talk about the fact that she has been crying since and how it was not easy to hear that her son has AIDS. She seems to say all the right things for now. Saturday night we watched a couple movies I downloaded and last weeks episode of Glee on the internet because I forgot to DVR it. I do like the show Glee. One of the movies we watched was Zombieland. It was OK. Very different. I love to hate zombie movies. I jump and get so scared watching them.

Today after reading much of the newspaper I made blueberry pancakes and sausage for breakfast. Little while after eating we both went back to bed. Got up an hour or so later and since the sun is out I felt it was time to shower and get going and do something. Did a little cleaning, took all four dogs for a walk one at a time around the block, drove to the Open Pantry down the street and bought our weekly lottery tickets. We really need to hit the lottery soon.
Tony is outside painting the last of the house trim that I did not finish this summer. Only a small portion left but it was like pulling teeth for him to get out and do it. At one point he complained so much I looked at him and said 'never mind, I'll just do it when I am done around the house doing my projects'. He is soooooo lazy. Don't see us doing much more the rest of the day when he is done painting. I have all the projects done I wanted to accomplish. It will be a late afternoon of TV and relaxing before the work week starts again. Have not heard from my boss yet regarding the email I sent Friday about not being able to work like I have been. Hopefully she will call tonight. I can only work Monday through Wednesday this week because Thursday morning I see the social security shrink again to evaluate me in my quest to go on social security. They keep denying me. I plan on going in unshowered and with no mind at all. Will let you know how it goes. Receiving social security would really help. Hell, I paid into it since I was 16 years old.

October 23, 2009 Friday Morning

NEED A FAVOR FROM ALL MY FOLLOWERS:
I need my followers to call Scott Adams at 1-866-352-6841 and leave a message on his answering machine saying:

Hello, I am a friend of Dave, Tony and Downtown Auto Body. I hear you owe them $500.00. I am calling to remind you that they are still waiting for their refund check. Thank you.

Let me tell the story. Back in February of 2009 Tony signed a contract with a California company called Direct Buyers Club through Scott Adams. The contract stated they would send him at a minimum 3 customers to fix their cars at a minimum price of $500.00 each. This was a signed money back contact that Tony could cancel on after 30 days if he had not received any business from this company. Of course I knew from the start Tony once again threw money out the window, but he said he needed the business. Tony overnighted a check for $585.00 to him with a signed contract. The check also was post dated for 30 days, as agreed, and on the back above where they sign he wrote "not to be cashed until March 21". Scott Adams crossed this off and cashed the check the day he got it. Our bank and his will not take responsibility for this. I have contacted both in desperation. Since March of 2009 we have been trying to get our money back with excuse after excuse. "The checks in the mail" stories. I have tryed every tactic I can think of. It is hard to sue someone in California from Wisconsin. We finally even agreed to take only $500 and he could keep $85.00. He wanted to charge us $175 for a cancellation fee even though the contract says "Money back guarantee". Tony even again signed a statement from him that we would be happy to accept $500 of our $585. Of course this was just his way of putting us off again. I have been calling and leaving messages for months. Sometimes he calls back. Most weeks he does not. Last week Thursday I started calling him every half hour on the half hour to 'remind' him he still owes us the money and we have not received a check. By noon Friday Milwaukee time he called and said to stop calling and a check was coming. Since we overnighted our check to him and the fact that it has now been 7 months I called him back and demanded he over night a refund check to us like we did with him. It has now been a week and I have left messages daily letting him know we still have not received a check. So. Since we never will get this check and the fact he gets charged per incoming call I figured maybe we could set a fire under him. We are not rich. Money is tight. And giving him $85 for this crap is more than enough. I am sure it is a scam and was from day one. SO LETS SHUT HIM DOWN. PLEASE CALL AND SAY THE ABOVE MESSAGE TO 1-866-352-6841. Thank you. I would love comments or anything helpful we can do to collect this dept, we have a signed contract.

October 22, 2009 Thursday Night

I told my mom today via the phone I have AIDS.

Had a very stressful day at work again today. I realized today I am taking to much on and working to hard. I just am not healthy enough or have the energy to put in all the work and deal with all the stress that seems to come with it. I finally broke down in tears at work today and told the owner I was going home for the week and that possibly I came back to work to soon. Cried the entire way home and then stopped at Tony's shop for a little support. He was very supportive and told me he knows I have taken on too much and I need to pull back and start saying NO. Got home and after dealing with the dogs I made the mistake, well maybe not, of calling my mother to get some mother and son love. Somehow during the conversation I made the comment that 'I just am not healthy or strong enough to work this hard'. She then paused and asked me if there is something I should be telling her. I said 'not over the phone'. She then again asked what was wrong. I then said 'mom, there is a reason I have lost all this weight'. She then asked me if I had cancer. I said no. She then asked me if I had AIDS. I paused, she asked again, and I broke down crying and she said 'you have AIDS'. What could I say? I have been living this lie for 10 months now with her. My one brother and one sister know, but that is it. We ended up talking for about an hour. I kept apologizing for telling her and getting this disease. She finally after the fifth or so apology said 'that is the last time I want to hear you apologize to me for this'. She went on 'you are my son, you will always be my son, and I love you no matter what'. Of course I went through a box of kleenex during this hour long conversation. I told her my numbers back in January and now. I told her why if she looks back she will remember conversations that were very short. I even told her about the fact she called me less than an hour after I got back from the doctor finding out I was HIV+. I asked if she remembered that conversation. She did. She mentioned many things in the past 10 months that only a mother can pick up on. My weight loss and sunken face to name two. She could not believe I kept this from her much less for so long. She was a little upset that my brother and sister knew and I didn't tell her. I had to call my sister right after to prepare her for the phone call from mom tomorrow. Mom mentioned she was going to call her and get information from her because she would know more about blood tests and numbers. Didn't want my sister blind sighted with the phone call tomorrow. It is nice to have the burden removed of having to sift through and filter what I say to my mom with every phone call or family event. I can't say for instance that I went to a meeting yesterday or something because she would have then asked 'what was the meeting for' or similar. So now I guess I can put it out there honestly with each phone call or meeting. I am not sure if she will tell my father. I got the impression she was not going to, but he had to hear our conversation and know somethings up. Either way, let the chips fall where they fall. I am sure she will have so much to think about tonight. That is the reason I didn't want to ever tell her this. I honestly feel like I dreamed this whole thing, no such luck. I hope she isn't sitting at home now crying. Jeez, what have I done. Rule number one: Once you tell someone you can never take it back. So think long and hard before you tell anyone. I broke the rule.

Tony got home and I broke the news to him. He has not said much. All of a sudden our beagle named Barkley comes in from outside limping. Must have hurt his front right foot. Jeez, can I get a break today? Now I put of the fencing and the dogs can't move out of the living room so hopefully keeping him still rather than running around the house.

Welcome to my life.

Made a frozen pizza for dinner. Going to the couch and watch tv for the night. Thank god I am off work tomorrow or I don't think I would make it.

October 21, 2009 Wednesday Night

Worked a long day Monday. Was home for about a half hour to feed the dogs and such before leaving the house again to go to an HIV meeting. It actually was the best one yet. We started to go over what our blood results mean line by line. I always bring mine along to each meeting so I was able to learn a lot. Next months meeting we continue to go through the pages of blood results we get every 3 months or so. Was so exhausted by the time I got home that night I went right to bed.

Tuesday I worked all day again. Leaving the house by 8 AM and not getting home until 5 PM. Very long day for me. I made soup for dinner, Tony complained, so I made him some Mac n Cheese also. Jeez, I worked all day too. Before I went to work I placed an ad in the Milwaukee Journal for November 1st, what would have been my grandma's 100th birthday if she had not died a year and a half ago. Put a Happy 100th Birthday message in the paper for that day.

This morning he left in a huff after I laid into him about some charges on his credit card that are a waste of money for advertising. Internet stuff that doesn't change a thing. He is a local auto body repair shop. No one outside Milwaukee is going to make the drive just to get their car fixed. He pisses me off when he wastes money like this. Left me the dishes from the night before and all the household duties. Nice guy. Worked all day and came home to dogs needing attention, a house needing vacuuming, and laundry. Tony came home and said he was tired so I made some TV dinners for supper. Between working all day, taking care of the house, trying to keep up with web sights, email and this blog I wonder how he would ever get all this done. When he comes home from work he thinks he is 'off work'. How come my day never ends?

Tomorrow I plan on going in and working again since I have a lot of projects that have to get completed. Then off on Friday. The roof is done, OK I guess, the guy has been paid, and Stella is doing much better on her leg. Still favoring it a bit. But much better than before the surgery even. Going to send out some emails and then retire to the couch for the night. I am exhausted.

October 18, 2009 Sunday Afternoon

Friday night I made soup and sandwiches for dinner. It was cold and damp in Milwaukee so there was no way we were leaving the house.

Saturday we laid low most of the day. We did take a trip in the morning to Home Depot to buy some stuff. Bought a floor heater for the bathroom since I am so cold when I get out of the shower, and another gate for in one of the door ways. One with a door that can swing open or close. Took a nap in the afternoon with Tony and the dogs. Went to our favorite Italian restaurant for dinner and watch TV and a movie. Watch the movie The Proposal. It was cheesy but ok. It was lights out by 10:30 PM.

This morning we got up early and after reading some of the paper we showered and went out the back door to drive to Tony's mom's house and take her for breakfast. As Tony rounded the corner of the car I heard him say 'god damn it'. At that time I noticed the passenger front window was broken and the contents of the glove compartment all over the front seat. Damn it. We leave nothing in the cars because of this so there was nothing for them to take. Now Tony has to replace the window and put in the labor. Less than $100 so can't even call the insurance company. Damn it. Took a different car to get Tony's mom and had a good breakfast. After we dropped her off we went to Walmart to buy some items and headed home.
While Tony cleaned up the broken glass and called the police about the incident I moved one of the cameras that is on the car parking area to get a better view of the cars. Now if I can just find a cheap DVR to record the action. Our old DVR died about a year ago. Until now the signs in the back that say 'cameras record this area' have kept the vandals away. Took some pictures of the dogs to try to get a Christmas pic this year with them. I think I was able to get one shot that might work. Made a big bowl of popcorn and soon I will have to figure something out for dinner. The sun is out today but it didn't even get to the mid 50s. Too soon for winter. Tonight will be more TV and snuggling with the dogs.

October 16, 2009 Friday Night

Watched TV and was sleeping by 10 PM last night.

Today was another cloudy rainy damp day here in Milwaukee. It has not been above 45 degrees for the past week, most days hovering around 40 degrees and below freezing at night. What happened to an Indian Summer? We had a strange summer here in Milwaukee weather wise so it does not surprise me how weird the weather is now in the fall. Went to Walgreens this morning to pick up some prescriptions. Bought milk and such instead of going to the grocery store. Came home and did a little cleaning before going to have lunch with the guys. We have missed the last two weeks due to the roof, computer and Stella so I wanted to be there today. Had a nice steak sandwich and fries. Came home and laid down for a while before going to Tony auto body shop Downtown Auto Body for a mural dedication. The mural was painted on the back of his auto body shop to improve the Riverwest area. It cost a mere $20,000. You be the judge if the city got it's money's worth. I put four pictures at the bottom of this post. Tony even had to

give a short speech at the dedication since he is on the Riverwest Improvements Board as well as it being his building. Tonight we are just making soup and sandwiches for dinner. Tony just called to say he might not be home until about 6 PM. I never plan on him being home much before that on a Friday having to finish customers cars for the weekend, but I appreciate the phone call. Going to turn up the heat, wrap myself in a blanket and watch a bunch of recorded TV tonight. Been battling a cold this past week. I haven't gotten any worse, but it just lingers. Enlarged glands in my neck, sinus's hurt, ears gurgle when I swallow. I have to watch this since Swine Flu has killed people here in Wisconsin and has hit our state hard. The minute I hear of Swine Flu in the area I will be staying indoors at home a lot more. I can not risk that yet. My body is not strong enough. Scares the hell out of me and the day I can find a Swine Flu shot I will get one. Already got the regular flu shot this fall. Check out the pictures. Talk to you hopefully tomorrow.

October 15, 2009 Thursday Dinner Time

Tuesday and Wednesday I worked all day and by the time I got home the roofers were just about done for the day. The rain gutters still need to be put on. It would have happened yesterday or today, but it has been raining. Cold and rainy here in Milwaukee. It has been below freezing for the last few days at night. Wednesday night I went to a dinner at Mo's Steak House for an HIV meeting. They had a selection of foods to order and eat while the meeting took place. I ended up having the burger and fries, which were cold. Of well, it was free food. The information was what I was there for which I found lacking. All the information presented on the slides all were statistics from 2003. This is 2009 going on 2010. I know it takes a while to put HIV and AIDS information together but over 6 years old statistics? I expect better, sorry. How can we survive living on data that is over 6 years old with all the advancements being made since then. Got home and watched TV until the news started and then it was lights out.

Today is cold, cloudy and raining. YUK. Went to Walmart to look for some items for school I work for, no luck, our Walmart is too small. The bigger ones carry more products. I did manage to spend about $150.00 on stuff around the house. Came home for a while and did some needed cleaning and by 12:30 I left for my CAB meeting. Was a frustrating meeting and we are writing a letter to the agency. We have been requesting information and asking for a representative from the agency to be there so they can answer questions for over 3 months now. I simply said I will not waste my time any more if this is business as usual. We put together a letter to the higher ups in home to have a meeting. We have been asking for budget information for 4 months now. Unacceptable. Picked up my monthly free food and a ton of bread at food bank and making supper from some of what I got. Pork chops, fresh potatoes, can beans and a salad. Then is will be a night to snuggle under a blanket and watch TV. The cloudy weather does not help my energy level. On a cloudy day my mind just doesn't seem to start. Tomorrow is the Art Mural Dedication on the back of Tony Auto Body Shop. I will take a picture of it and post it on the blog tomorrow at the dedication. I will try to get Tony to stand next to it. What a waste of tax money this was. On the back of a building no one sees. Facing the ghetto. I am sure it will simply attract graffiti.

October 12, 2009 Monday Night

Saturday late afternoon we went on a tour of Tony's old high school, Riverside High School. It was the start of the 30th reunion for his class. We then went to the dinner where there were about 25 people. I did not have a good time. The people were nice, but the food sucked until I complained. I finally got something I would eat. Came home early since we both were tired.

Sunday we laid low all day. We went grocery shopping and spent the afternoon on the computer and watching TV. I did take Stella for a short walk up the alley and back. Her first walk since her surgery. By Sunday night I finally had the computer completely the way I want it. Noticed my email address book did not transfer over correctly so I had to make manual changes.

This morning the roofers were back at it making the noise. Thank god I worked all day. I am sure the dogs did not have a pleasant day. By the time I got home from work at 4 PM they were just about done for the day. What a mess everywhere. Spent tonight doing work from home updating inventory spreadsheets. Looking forward to going to bed soon. I worked over 9 hours at work and home today with my job. Tomorrow another long day. Now I can work on computer stuff since I am getting to a point where I am happy with the progress of the setting up of the warehouse. Lots of little things to do, but for the most part the big moves are done.

October 10, 2009 Saturday Morning

Sounds like the sky is falling.

Wednesday I worked all day and when I came home I continued to work on the computer to get it back where I had it prior to the system restore last Saturday. Went to bed around 11 PM.

Thursday I was off work for a dental appointment. Got up to the roofers all in the back yard ready to start the new roof and tear off. It rained most the day but that did not stop them from working. They got the north side of the roof torn off and covered and then the rain started to come down too heavy to continue. They stopped about 3 PM in the afternoon. I went to my dental appointment in the morning to be told 'didn't they call you, Jill is sick today?'. No one called to tell me this. Made another appointment and went to Walgreen's to pick up a prescription. Spent the rest of the day working on the computer trying to get the ATI output to work to the TV and show a tool bar. Downloaded a bunch of patches from the ATI web sight and when I turned off the computer to go to bed everything was fine.

Friday morning I woke up to a computer that did not look like anything I had seen or wanted. Tried to do some system restores with no luck. I finally just figured it was time for a new computer so I headed to Best Buy to buy one. I should have just done this last week so that I hadn't wasted an entire week of restoring. Spent about an hour trying to pick one up with the limited supply they had due to Windows 7 coming out in two weeks. Ended up spending much more than I wanted to, $900. Bought a top of the line Gateway Computer that is suppose to have everything built in. Spent all day getting the computer set up with all my links and icons and restoring all my software I use daily for mixing or spreadsheets. Had to re install my mixing and music playing devices as well as Norton's again and enter all the address and password information all over again. Even got my Outlook address book to copy and paste to my new mail server through Microsoft. I did loose all prior emails, that does suck. The computer kept prompting me to make restore discs. In between working on the computer all day I kept trying, every time I was prompted to make the restore discs, but kept receiving error messages. I finally broke down and called Best Buy and talked to their Geek Squad. I have had problems with past computers. I remember a time when you bought a computer and it had restore discs much less an instruction manual. Not these days. After being told this is a common problem and to bring the computer back for a refund or exchange I nearly lost it. I had just spent all day on this computer and had just about everything set up. Damn it. Spoke to a manager. He then told me they had no more like this in stock but could order one from another store and get it in about a week. Are you kidding me? After telling him he better have security on hand when I return he put me on hold again the came back saying it was a known issue and there might be a patch to fix it if I brought the computer in to them. So when Tony got home from work we drove all the way back to Best Buy to have them try to fix it. Got a $25 credit for my troubles after bitching as much as I did again to the manager. Hell, this was the reason I bought a Gateway and spent so much money, so I wouldn't have these problems. Best Buy was able to install the patch and fix the problem so we brought the computer back home and I spent the night making the back up discs for this new computer. I have everything working except the main reason I bought it for - to watch movies I download on our big screen TV. The monitor I got is 23 inches. A 20 inch monitor came in the package but I talked to the manager about the limited amount of computers they had to sell and we split the difference on the 23 inch monitor. Our TV is a 62 inch. I guess the worst thing is we watch movies on a 23 inch monitor the few times we do watch downloaded movies. But once again, the reason I bought this computer was because it suppose to have built in video out capabilities. I think my tenant might be able to fix the problem since when the computer is starting up it shows the monitor on the TV until it logs on to Windows. So it must be a setting of some sort. As I write this post the roofers are back today. They are continuing the nightmare of the total tear off and new roof. If anyone has gone through this you know the noise. You know the banging. You know the hammering. Even the floor is shaking. So can you imagine what four dogs are doing as this is happening? Thank god we are on the first floor of a two story house. Still, the roofing around the first floor being removed is horrible. The dogs must think the sky is falling. We can not remove them with Stella in her recovery position. Letting them out to go to the bathroom is a nightmare. It will even be worse when they do the side of the house they actually go out to get to their area. So we have the TV up so loud I can hardly think as I type this post. Welcome to my world. They plan on working all day today and Sunday. Hopefully after Monday night this nightmare will be over.

October 6, 2009 Tuesday Night

Went to bed very early Sunday night. Turned off the TV right after Brothers and Sisters was over.

Monday I worked all day and had a very frustrating day. So much to do, so little time. And always something to distract me from what I want to get done that day or plan to anyway. Monday's are inventory days so it takes up my entire day. Got home Monday night and had to take Stella to the vet to have her stitches removed. I drove and dropped Tony and Stella off and then went to Walgreen's to pick up a prescription, and get milk. Picked them up and stopped off at Mc Donalds for some dinner. Brought it home and watched TV in bed. Went to bed at 10 PM.

Today I worked very hard again. Got at least one thing I wanted to accomplish done within getting all the other stuff that had to get done completed. I am very tired and look forward to another early evening in bed with the TV. Tony has been very good since Sunday. He has been helping much more around the house. He even made coffer and did a load of laundry while I did some computer work last night. He even left me a message on my cell phone yesterday at lunch telling me he was home and let the dogs out, and an I Love You at the end of the call. So he is trying. Now I have to bite my lip more and also try harder. Got the computer working great. Only thing I lost with the reformatting was all my emails received and sent. Managed to save the address book so things could be worse. Got all my music mixing software on the computer and can honestly see the difference. It has not froze up yet so we solved the problem. Have to work all day tomorrow and then we go see the play Spring Awakenings at the PAC. Should be an interesting play I am told. Off on Thursday for a dental cleaning and then again on Friday. I think the roof might start tomorrow. I am sure I will let you know when it does.

October 4, 2009 Sunday Late Afternoon

Have to start out with some words on the comments I have received on a post a couple days ago. Heather, thank you for taking the time to defend me and see my point of view. You have not said anything I have not heard before and still sometimes need to hear both extremes so I can choose the best path. So, sometimes it might not be fun to read a post or agree with it, it definitely gives me another perspective and something to think about. The purpose of this blog. Jessica, thanks for defending Tony. I had him read your post also so he could see that not everyone thinks he is an 'asshole', his words not anyone else's. In our almost 21 years together we have gone through hard times. I consider these 'adjustments' in the relationship. When I have been off work and then back to work we have gone through similar adjustments. At one point about 10 years ago we even went into couples therapy to get through a time we thought the relationship was over. We made it through that time also. Relationships are work. They have their benefits and their drawbacks. But all said and done, life is very hard to go through alone. Sometimes it is better to be alone. But I am not that someone.

With all that said, let me tell you about my most recent challenges these last two days. Yesterday 10 minutes prior to the roofer coming over to get the signed contract and a check for half the work Tony gives me the contract to sign and write out a check. As I am looking over the contract he received through email I notice the part with the total of $17,200 doesn't say anything about the new roof. All it talks about is the new siding, windows, rain gutters and downspouts. I asked Tony about this and he showed me further down the email is the 'first' estimate for the roof of $8600.00. I said I was concerned that the two were not together and I would have the roofer make out a new contract so it showed the ENTIRE project cost to be $17,200. Tony reassured me the total cost for all was $17,200. So I wrote out a check for $8600.00. The roofer guy shows up and we start going over the contract and everything that is going to be done. I then go into the house to lock up the dogs so we can bring the roofer guy in the house to measure windows. When I come back out the house I could see their conversation had taken a turn. I stood there silently figuring out that the roofer had finally pointed out to Tony, like I had thought, that the entire project was going to be $26,000, and that indeed they were separate bids for the separate projects. I was never so mad in my life again but held my cool. We finally agreed just to do the roof and not anything else at this time. I just want this project over. Once again I made the mistake of letting HIM take charge on something. We have not discussed it since the roofer left. I could tell in Tony's eyes he did not need to be beat up over this and that he realized his mistake, once again. We didn't talk much yesterday. My tenant helped me reformat my entire computer. I have it mostly restored by now but I did loose all my emails received, sent or saved. This pisses me off. Took about 12 hours of work to get the computer back and running but now it is running so much better. So it was worth it. It would freeze up after about 10 minutes and I would have to keep restarting it. I hate doing a Full System Restore.

Today we both got up and started reading the paper and then I started cleaning the house knowing my parents were on there way to go to a dog walk and blessing here on Brady Street and lunch. Before they got here I sent Tony to the corner gas station for lottery tickets and milk while I cleaned. Lottery tickets and milk. Yes I said it twice. Told him: "I don't care if it is 1%, 2% or vitamin D milk, get the one with the farthest date out. But DO NOT GET SKIM MILK". I think you might see where this is going if you have been reading the last few days. After he got home about a half hour later I went into the frig to get something to drink and what is staring me right in the face......................................... A HALF GALLON OF SKIM MILK.
WHAT THE FUCK. I told him ANYTHING BUT SKIM MILK. Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on here? I let it go simply by pointing out to him that he can take the SKIM MILK he bought to work tomorrow and I will go to the store later today. I said NO SKIM MILK. Went to the dog walk with my parents and Tony. Must have been about 500 dogs in costume with their owners. All kinds of dogs big and small. Even a few cats. Had a great lunch with mom and dad. Got home and now within a half hour we have already found things to fight about. When will this end?

October 3, 2009 Saturday Morning

Today started out pretty much like they have recently, HELL. When I got up this morning at 7 AM Tony was already up and had the telephone in his hand trying to call the Journal because our morning paper was not here. I don't know what number he dialed but from the problems he was having I was sure it was not the correct number. I asked him if he dial 224-2222 because they have a recorded message where you can leave the information for a re delivery, it is quite simple. He hung up the phone and walked into the kitchen to watch me struggling trying to feed 4 hungry dogs barking and getting their food prepared. When I simply asked him to get the pills out for all the dogs (Stella on two pills, Barkley on one) I could see in his face already how this day was starting out. Got the dogs fed and checked my blog as I do each morning to see a reply from yesterdays post. I agreed with everything said so since Tony didn't have a newspaper to read I asked him to read my post and the reply. Maybe wasn't the smartest thing because he lost it. Said to me 'maybe I should start a blog so I can give my side of each story and so everyone doesn't think I am such an asshole'. I replied, 'You read my blog, do I ever say anything that isn't true?'. Do I? He walked away and after I looked outside and saw today's paper under the bushes and went out to get it he stormed into the room and started screaming at me. He said 'when we started going out you knew I never cooked and was like I am......................'. I let him speak and then very calmly said, 'yes, this is true, but you are a grown adult, life changes, when we met you owned a small auto body shop, now you own a bigger one, life changed right? You had heart surgery years ago, life changed didn't it. I found out I have AIDS, life changed didn't it?' I then went on to say, 'I have changed with all the changes, good or bad, why can't you?'. He then grabbed his bag for work and walked out the door without a word as to where he was going or when he would be back. How selfish I thought. Once again does he not care if I had plans today, or wanted to go somewhere, or just would like to know where the hell he is going? The pain in my shoulder from all this stress is so bad today I am in serious pain. I can hardly move my shoulders. I also have an infection (I think) in my left jaw that is gong to require doctor attention next week.

So now I am stuck here again with the house and dogs. Crying. I sometimes think life would have been better if I just followed through with my plans back in February or March to end my life. I seriously do sometimes. I can not do this alone. I can not do everything alone. Something has to change, and change fast. I even in conversation with my mom yesterday, who does not know my AIDS status, asked her if something was to happen to me would she make sure she takes my dog Kali in to live with her. At least then I know Kali will be taken care of because I honestly don't know how the house or dogs much less Tony would survive without me.

October 2, 2009 Friday Afternoon

I worked all day Wednesday and Thursday this week. Four days this week. As of yesterday I took over the warehouse. So now the responsibilities begin. Life around our house has been very tense. Stella was back at the vet yesterday because her sore is leaking fluid and she is now not walking on the leg at all. She was to get her stitches out today, now they have to wait until Monday. Of course it is because we gave her more house and Tony was letting her jump on the couch and chairs to be next to him. She was not to jump for at least 4 weeks. So she has injured her leg. So now, the house is in disarray again. Chairs are turned over and the couch and such is blocked off with fencing. Pillows everywhere for her to lay on. It is either that or lock her in a cage. Tony and I have been at each others throats. Between him not listening to me about her recovery and the fact he just won't help out around the house due to me being back at work has caused a lot of tension. We have been screaming at each other daily. Last night he told me to 'shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear your voice anymore, I can barely make it through the day with you anymore'. The only reason I am bitchin is because he just won't listen or take on any responsibility. He missed the turn even on the way to the vet yesterday. Where his mind is I do not know. Add in the computer problems and the fact I spent all day today backing up everything in order to possibly do a system restore and the new roof installation beginning Monday, life here sucks. I am so miserable right now I sometimes just break down and cry. I simply can not keep my work responsibilities, the house hold responsibilities and HIS responsibilities in my head and keep track of them all. It simply is too much. He even got the roofer appointment on the wrong day this week, thankfully we were home. What the heck. Going to make a nice dinner tonight and lay back and do nothing but watch TV tonight. Rainy day today in Milwaukee. Cold, and most areas got frost the night before. Guess winter is coming. No plans tomorrow but working on the computer and getting the yard ready for the mess of the tear off and new roof. Sunday my parents are driving into Milwaukee so we can all go to a dog walk. I even canceled today's lunch with the guys since I just couldn't see myself sitting at the table trying to smile and be nice to Tony with the feelings I have right now. Hope it gets better, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.