October 3, 2009 Saturday Morning

Today started out pretty much like they have recently, HELL. When I got up this morning at 7 AM Tony was already up and had the telephone in his hand trying to call the Journal because our morning paper was not here. I don't know what number he dialed but from the problems he was having I was sure it was not the correct number. I asked him if he dial 224-2222 because they have a recorded message where you can leave the information for a re delivery, it is quite simple. He hung up the phone and walked into the kitchen to watch me struggling trying to feed 4 hungry dogs barking and getting their food prepared. When I simply asked him to get the pills out for all the dogs (Stella on two pills, Barkley on one) I could see in his face already how this day was starting out. Got the dogs fed and checked my blog as I do each morning to see a reply from yesterdays post. I agreed with everything said so since Tony didn't have a newspaper to read I asked him to read my post and the reply. Maybe wasn't the smartest thing because he lost it. Said to me 'maybe I should start a blog so I can give my side of each story and so everyone doesn't think I am such an asshole'. I replied, 'You read my blog, do I ever say anything that isn't true?'. Do I? He walked away and after I looked outside and saw today's paper under the bushes and went out to get it he stormed into the room and started screaming at me. He said 'when we started going out you knew I never cooked and was like I am......................'. I let him speak and then very calmly said, 'yes, this is true, but you are a grown adult, life changes, when we met you owned a small auto body shop, now you own a bigger one, life changed right? You had heart surgery years ago, life changed didn't it. I found out I have AIDS, life changed didn't it?' I then went on to say, 'I have changed with all the changes, good or bad, why can't you?'. He then grabbed his bag for work and walked out the door without a word as to where he was going or when he would be back. How selfish I thought. Once again does he not care if I had plans today, or wanted to go somewhere, or just would like to know where the hell he is going? The pain in my shoulder from all this stress is so bad today I am in serious pain. I can hardly move my shoulders. I also have an infection (I think) in my left jaw that is gong to require doctor attention next week.

So now I am stuck here again with the house and dogs. Crying. I sometimes think life would have been better if I just followed through with my plans back in February or March to end my life. I seriously do sometimes. I can not do this alone. I can not do everything alone. Something has to change, and change fast. I even in conversation with my mom yesterday, who does not know my AIDS status, asked her if something was to happen to me would she make sure she takes my dog Kali in to live with her. At least then I know Kali will be taken care of because I honestly don't know how the house or dogs much less Tony would survive without me.