October 22, 2009 Thursday Night

I told my mom today via the phone I have AIDS.

Had a very stressful day at work again today. I realized today I am taking to much on and working to hard. I just am not healthy enough or have the energy to put in all the work and deal with all the stress that seems to come with it. I finally broke down in tears at work today and told the owner I was going home for the week and that possibly I came back to work to soon. Cried the entire way home and then stopped at Tony's shop for a little support. He was very supportive and told me he knows I have taken on too much and I need to pull back and start saying NO. Got home and after dealing with the dogs I made the mistake, well maybe not, of calling my mother to get some mother and son love. Somehow during the conversation I made the comment that 'I just am not healthy or strong enough to work this hard'. She then paused and asked me if there is something I should be telling her. I said 'not over the phone'. She then again asked what was wrong. I then said 'mom, there is a reason I have lost all this weight'. She then asked me if I had cancer. I said no. She then asked me if I had AIDS. I paused, she asked again, and I broke down crying and she said 'you have AIDS'. What could I say? I have been living this lie for 10 months now with her. My one brother and one sister know, but that is it. We ended up talking for about an hour. I kept apologizing for telling her and getting this disease. She finally after the fifth or so apology said 'that is the last time I want to hear you apologize to me for this'. She went on 'you are my son, you will always be my son, and I love you no matter what'. Of course I went through a box of kleenex during this hour long conversation. I told her my numbers back in January and now. I told her why if she looks back she will remember conversations that were very short. I even told her about the fact she called me less than an hour after I got back from the doctor finding out I was HIV+. I asked if she remembered that conversation. She did. She mentioned many things in the past 10 months that only a mother can pick up on. My weight loss and sunken face to name two. She could not believe I kept this from her much less for so long. She was a little upset that my brother and sister knew and I didn't tell her. I had to call my sister right after to prepare her for the phone call from mom tomorrow. Mom mentioned she was going to call her and get information from her because she would know more about blood tests and numbers. Didn't want my sister blind sighted with the phone call tomorrow. It is nice to have the burden removed of having to sift through and filter what I say to my mom with every phone call or family event. I can't say for instance that I went to a meeting yesterday or something because she would have then asked 'what was the meeting for' or similar. So now I guess I can put it out there honestly with each phone call or meeting. I am not sure if she will tell my father. I got the impression she was not going to, but he had to hear our conversation and know somethings up. Either way, let the chips fall where they fall. I am sure she will have so much to think about tonight. That is the reason I didn't want to ever tell her this. I honestly feel like I dreamed this whole thing, no such luck. I hope she isn't sitting at home now crying. Jeez, what have I done. Rule number one: Once you tell someone you can never take it back. So think long and hard before you tell anyone. I broke the rule.

Tony got home and I broke the news to him. He has not said much. All of a sudden our beagle named Barkley comes in from outside limping. Must have hurt his front right foot. Jeez, can I get a break today? Now I put of the fencing and the dogs can't move out of the living room so hopefully keeping him still rather than running around the house.

Welcome to my life.

Made a frozen pizza for dinner. Going to the couch and watch tv for the night. Thank god I am off work tomorrow or I don't think I would make it.