October 27, 2010 Wednesday Afternoon

What a wild windy couple of days here in Milwaukee.

Shortly after I posted yesterday a tornado swept through Racine which is just south of Milwaukee. It is so windy here in Milwaukee I am fearful my small dogs might be blown away when they go outside. Wind gusts have been over 60 miles and hour at times. The canopy over the driveway is still standing because I did a little more securing of it. I keep looking out the window every once in a while to make sure it is still standing. Spent yesterday just doing little things around the house. I still have a very bad sore throat, and my bladder still hurts. I promise if this is not better by next week to call my doctor. I think the sore throat is from allergies, the strong winds stirring up the pollen, and the fact we need a good freeze to help out. I made another music mix yesterday afternoon. Might be my last since I read today the courts have shut down Limewire where I download my music and movies. Tried to get on Limewire this morning and a message comes up saying the sight is not running and no time frame if it will ever go online again. I will spend this afternoon listening to the mix and making changes before I post it. This makes me so sad since downloading, listening and making mixes from music is one of my favorite hobbies. Made boneless ribs, mashed potato and corn for dinner with a salad. Spent the night watching No Ordinary Family, Dancing Results show, and The Good Wife as we listened to the wind howl outside. Went to bed around 10 PM. We were awaken many times during the night as you could hear things blowing around the upstairs deck above the bedroom and outside in the yard. Of course the dogs bark at every noise. A friend dropped off his dog around dinner time for us to dog sit until Thursday because he has jury duty and is afraid he might not be allowed to go home. He would rather be safe than sorry. I need a sixth dog around the house like a hole in the head. It just adds to the stress around the house because the dog is so old and has obvious mind problems.

This morning I got Tony off to work after feeding the dogs. Made myself a breakfast bowl that is sold in the grocery stores that contains eggs, potato and bacon. Have pretty much just spent the morning watching TV. I have no ambition today, it is so cold outside, and the wind is blowing again so strong. In fact about an hour ago I heard a huge crashing noise and when I ran to the side of the house I could see the wind had blown half the covering over the deck off and in pieces. The canopy is not looking good and has to make it through one more day. Think I will spend the afternoon listening to music and snuggling with the dogs. It is really cold and windy and I have no intentions on going outside unless I have to. Looking forward to the ABC comedy lineup tonight on TV. I do have a board meeting tomorrow and have decided to make an appointment to go back into counseling. I have a lot of issues I need to talk about. I made a list the other day. Basically I am feeling very scared about the future, feeling like I am not as nice a person as I should be, and having a hard time feeling any energy or hope for the future. I worry way to much about health insurance, paying the bills, having HIV, getting my HIV meds in the future, feeling worthless, feeling combative, and just not happy overall. My thought is I need more therapy and since it is free at ARCW and helped me after my initial diagnosis I want to get back into it before I hit rock bottom. I am scared to leave the house, feel I have no future, and it is affecting my relationship with Tony. The relationship has not been good lately at all. Something has to change. Any stress is too much for me lately. I wish I could talk to Tony about these things but he is so wrapped up in his own world he just doesn't understand. Hopefully going back into counseling or therapy will help.