January 24, 2012 Tuesday Afternoon

Spent last night watching TV on the DVR, finishing the night watching Castle in bed. Went to sleep around 10 PM. Tony was sleeping by 9 PM, the minute his head hit the pillow. Didn't sleep well all night, tossed and turned and got up many times during the night.

This morning I was up at 6:30 PM. Before I could feed the dogs Tony was telling my the cable was not working again and channel 12 was not coming in. This happens almost every day and I then have to reboot the system to get channel 12, which is ABC and Good Morning America. Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot. Then rebooted the cable system to get channel 12 working. Tony left for work around 7:15 AM. Around 8 AM I called ATT to have them tell me a new cable box would be sent to the house and I will just have to send them back the old one. I think it is not the box but since the guy told me they have newer boxes with more memory I thought best to just have him send it to me so I could get the better box and see if it works first. It might be a wire coming loose at the pole outside since we have switched out our boxes for this problem in the past. The new box should be here tomorrow so I will have to make sure we watch everything on the DVR before I hook up the new one. Since there is not much on TV tonight we might be able to watch most or all tonight. We did a good job over the weekend on catching up with the DVR TV shows. Had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and took a shower. Headed out the door around 10 AM to return the bulb from the other day that doesn't work. Then went to the copy store to make a couple copies of my taxes before I send them in. Did a little around the house before putting on some music and laid back on the couch with the dogs. Figure I will make some pasta and salad tonight for supper.

I'm not sure if it is like this with other diseases like Cancer but there sure are days that the 'little voice' in your head shouts a little louder telling you, or reminding you, that you have AIDS. When I found out three years ago and the thought would cross my mind, my heart would sink and I was out of breath in panic. Today that 'little voice' is a little less loud, but I still get that sinking feeling in my heart every time it crosses my mind. Do people with other diseases get this also? As time goes on in the years since finding out about my HIV status I have come a long way in getting past the 'little voice'. But it is still there daily. Maybe it just gets easier to push the 'little voice' away as time goes on. Every day I wish I did not have this disease. You have no idea how many nights I look up at that first star in the sky and make the wish: I wish I didn't have AIDS. Some days it just feels like you have a ticking time bomb waiting to kill you.