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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

December 18, 2013 Wednesday Afternoon

Last night I got a friend request on Facebook from a wife of a friend I went to college with along with the guy I started talking to this past week.  He must have talked about me with this other friend and since his wife is on Facebook he reached out that way.  I friended her and then put a picture of Mark (her husband) on her Facebook page.  A short time later his son must have seen the picture and made a comment and soon we started talking.  I had to laugh so hard when I looked through his Facebook page and you can tell he is gay.  So, one of my other friends I went to college with has two sons and one is gay.  So I guess telling him I am gay will be no big deal when the time comes.  I am sure he probably knows or will figure it out quick when his wife shows him my Facebook page.  It made for an interesting night and I went to bed smiling.  Went to sleep after a round of lovin around 10 PM.

This morning I was up by 6:30 AM.  Fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot.  Got the morning routine done and left the house by 10 AM to go to one of the local malls to do some Christmas shopping.  I go to the mall one time, one week prior to Christmas each year.  This was the day.  Ended up buying a few items.  Unfortunately I bought more for me than I did for Tony, but that's OK I guess.  Got home this afternoon around 3 PM.  Just making some Hormel dinner and noodles with a salad tonight for supper. Will most likely spend the night watching TV off the DVR. 

As I was driving to the mall I was in deep thought about an issue.  I know the rules about disclosing your HIV status when your dating or meeting new people if your single.  My dilemma is when do you disclose if your meeting old friends from your past and you all are talking about how life has turned out.  This conversation always includes all the diseases like cancer or major surgeries they have had.  I most times have to remain silent even though I think I have a pretty big medical story about my life I could tell also.  Why is it I can not talk about my HIV as freely as someone can talk about the fact they are in cancer treatment or have a heart condition?  It simply is not fair.  I am not looking for sympathy but if your having a heart to heart sharing life changing information about each other to catch up with the years and what has been going on, how can I not talk about my HIV which is a major factor in my day to day life?  I sometimes find I am silent and that then resonates that I must be in perfect health and should have nothing to complain about.  No true and not fair. 
I also have a similar problem when we get together with friends or family that do not know my HIV or the fact I get monthly disability money.  So at times when we are talking someone will ask 'so what do you do for a living'.  I then have to say I don't work.  I can sometimes see the look in peoples faces like 'what does he contribute then financially since they know Tony works full time'.  It makes me look like a leaker who just sits home sponging off my husband.  If course if I bring up the fact that I do contribute to the finances of the family through my disability monthly check I then have to disclose my HIV.  
So I guess I have two questions.  When do you disclose your HIV to friends when your meeting them after years of not seeing each other and not knowing what their life is like now?
When do you tell someone you get disability so you don't seem like a leaker who makes no money and doesn't contribute to the household?   I have found myself lying saying I get disability for 'my back' and say it is for my degenerative back disease.  Why do I have to lie?


  1. You don't have to lie: you choose to lie. You said "Why is it I can not talk about my HIV as freely as someone can talk about the fact they are in cancer treatment or have a heart condition?" YOU CAN talk about it---you choose not to for whatever reason.

    I have had HIV for 12 years and am gay. I quickly decided that not speaking my truth was doing more harm to me than if I simply lived my truth. I am a gay man living with HIV.

    Guess what----I have not had any negative reactions for friends, family or business associates. Regarding disability, that is no one's business. Lying about does no good. Simply come up with a response and stick with it, but don't like.

    Take this as a friendly suggestion: maybe you should talk to a therapist about your own internalized homophobia/AIDS phobia. Until we confront our own demons regarding these issues, we cannot be truly authentic in our friendships/relationships.

    Thanks for sharing your struggle with this issue, Dave. Through your honesty you help others to grapple with the issue.

  2. IT is not fair to judge others or to assume that one is homophobic or AIDS phobic. We all come from different environment and we associate with different people, simply if you my friend, you are capable of expressing yourself as you wish then KUDOS to you.Dave's dilemma is not if he capable of saying the truth, it is simply why do people discriminate against HIV positive people.

  3. Dave, your disclosure to me has never been an issue. I respect your truthfulness to me and have never violated that confidentiality, just like I know you have never violated the things I have shared. True friends don't make decisions about friendship based on what you are fearful of, we make decisions because we care.

    1. there a reason gay guys don't work?is there not a job that they can do instead of living off of disability?do you chose not to work> question,,,