The Early Years - Part 1 - A Little Background Info

I was born in Milwaukee Wisconsin April 23, 1961 about 10:30 AM. I remember things back when I was the age of five. At about that age my parents decided to move from the city of Milwaukee to the suburbs of Sussex. They thought it was best to move out of the city because Milwaukee was in a turning point racially. Plus, my sister was born and we needed a bigger house. When we moved to Sussex it was a small town. It is much different today. I remember viewing the house in Sussex with my parents for the first time prior to buying it. I was 5. When we went to see the house for the first time prior to buying it it had a steep mud driveway and our car got stuck in the driveway when we went to the house that night. It was a nice big house in a very upscale subdivision at the time. It was a full acre of land. When you told people you lived in Wooded Hills, they were impressed. It was the 'place to live'. I had for the most part a pretty good childhood. We were the first to get a 25 inch color TV, we were the first to have a big pool in the back yard. We were the envy of most. But they could not see what was happening inside the house away from the public.
I did not feel I ever fit in during my school years. I had friends but something never clicked. Being the middle kid I was always told from my teachers that I was always 'seeking attention'. I guess it might have been true. I think growing up I did not know how to be a friend with a guy since I deep down had feelings for them. I could not separate friendship from wanting love or affection. I did good in school. I got some A's, mostly B's, and a few C's. I was creative and enjoyed playing with blocks and building things. Growing up my parents were very protective. We very not allowed to watch a lot of TV. I remember not being able to watch Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Soap, Dark Shadows, Three's Company, to name a few shows. Friday night was called 'treat night'. We were not allowed to snack during the day so Friday Treat Night we could have ice cream or pop corn, or something 'special' like that. Funny hey? But it kept the family close. I was not allowed to wear blue jeans to school even throughout high school. My dad worked very hard running his Tool and Die company. He would leave for work by 6:30 AM and not get home until 6:30 PM Monday through Friday. We did not see him much during the week. Mom fed us kids at 5 PM sharp and dad ate alone after he got home. No such thing as a microwave oven back then. How did mom do it? On Saturday's Dad would try to take us kids to the shop to clean the equipment and machines. Of course this was not fun at all and remember being forced many times to go. It was dirty and greasy. My dad worked very hard to provide for our family and did so. My mom worked very hard to keep the family together and the house in order. With 5 kids she had her hands full. We went on family trips each year. I remember the trips to Florida, California, Colorado, South Dakota, and many more. We were the first of our friends to ride in a jet at the time. People didn't fly at the drop of a hat like they do today. You were privileged if you got to go on a jet plane. You could even smoke on airplanes back then and they had an ash tray between each seat. I spent the summers swimming in the pool. We even had a diving board and slide. I spent winters snowmobiling and playing in the snow making snow forts. We always had at least 2 snowmobiles. I guess you could compare us to the Brady Bunch in a way. Or so it seemed. What you couldn't see was there also. My mom was very conservative when it came to sex. I was not even allowed to go to a high school dance out of fear I might get a girl pregnant. Yah, it could be a reason I turned out gay. Girls were bad, they will get pregnant and your life is over, I remember hearing often. No College if you get a girl pregnant. I remember once having a crush on a girl in grade school and when my mom found out about it I was told I could never see her again. My mom was raped as a child which I think led to a lot of her hang ups with sex. We were not even allowed to look at a naked woman or anything that was close. Sex was 'bad'. Even in high school my senior year I had to sneak to see the girl I was dating.
Family events were hard because I never had anyone my age to hang with. My two older brothers had cousins their ages. I had no one. So at family events they did their thing and I always got into trouble. Don't get me wrong when I talk about my parents. I love them dearly, they did the best they could with what they had learned. I do not fault my parents for anything and know they always did what was best for us kids. Us kids came first. Heck, what parents today would drag 5 kids every year on a two week vacation? What kind of vacation could that have been for them?
I hated the bus ride to school and back each day. I got picked on and never fit in. I was so happy in high school to be able to finally drive to school each day. I don't know how I made it though my grade school, middle school, and high school years. I honestly do not remember much good about school. I got picked on all the time. I bonded with teachers most. I did not make or keep friends very well. My worst memories are of Gym class. I hated Gym class. Getting picked last or close to last and not enjoying anything rough was not good for a kid growing up. I was not good at sports and hated them. In high school I missed half the year of Gym class due to my braces on my teeth and having mom schedule appointments at that time of school, and taking me out of school for them. Thank goodness for braces, they got me out of Gym class. One time in high school I remember refusing to play Battle Ball. Jeez, you just get hit by balls. It is the most barbaric sport I know. I walked out of Gym and went to the principles office and told them to call my mom. I was not going to play. I could not catch a ball and always got hit and hurt. My mom did take my side and I never had to play Battle Ball again. I was allowed to write reports, go to the library, or keep score. I am sure this didn't win me any points with the guys either. I stood up for what I believed in. I got involved in the theater in high school. I even had the lead character in two plays. I did enjoy them. It got me out of the house at night for rehearsals and I met people more similar to me. Even through high school, even though I was having sex with men, I never really saw myself as gay. How could I? The only gay character I saw on TV my teen years was on the show Soap, and I wasn't allowed to watch it unless they were not home or I did it while mom was upstairs busy. Much less the sex I had with men was more about 'fitting in' or being able to be with them since I had no one to hang out with. I will talk more about this in Part 2.
At 16 I got a job as a stock man at Kmart. I soon worked my way up to having a position in the Toy department which eventually, my senior year, I was head of the Toy and Hobby Department at Kmart in Menomonee Falls. I liked working. It was good. It was hard to balance the theater and a full time job but I did it. I had half days at school and started work at Kmart by 3 PM in the afternoon. All was good until the girl I was dating started working there my senior year. We broke up, and working together was not good when she paraded her new boy friend through the store on her days off. I returned to Kmart my first two summers of college and worked in the outside patio department. It was a needed summer job. My last summer there when I was in college the rumors were starting to fly that I was gay so I never went back after my sophomore year in college.
So what is gay? When did I know I was gay? When did I admit I was gay? Does it start the day you have your first man on man experience? If that is the case, I was 10 years old. I will save this story for Part 2.