April 19, 2011 Tuesday Dinner Time

Another miserable day in Milwaukee. What is with this crappy weather?
Got up this morning and fed the dogs, gave Vito his shot and got Tony off to work. Shortly after he left I got some clothes on and drove to the nearest gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes. I had gone 2 days without a cigarette. I now am so mad at myself for doing this. I feel such a failure. When I wasn't smoking the last two days I felt like I was winning, like Charlie Sheen says. I still swear by the time I am 50 years old I will not be smoking and that is this Saturday. I just hate this frickin addiction. I feel better when I don't smoke. I can make it a couple days without one. Then my bad Dave takes over and goes and buys a pack and then the cigs are here in the house. Trust me. After Saturday if I am still smoking I do expect every one of my followers to get down on me. You have to do this for me. I could use a little encouragement leading up to this Saturday also. I have told myself for years and years that by 50 years old I would not be smoking and I can not fail at this. Gave Vito a hair cut again today. It is a process with him because he needs a muzzle on so he doesn't bite when cutting his hair. He turns into a mad dog when you cut his hair or toe nails. Honestly, a mad dog. It is scary. You can only cut so much off with each swipe holding him as he tries to bite. So it is not a cut I would get at a groomer, but no dog groomer would touch this dog. Spent most of the day watching TV and the ice pellets landing on the ground. It rained ice all day today and is still hailing right now. It is about 33 degrees here and it doesn't look like this crappy weather is going to end any time soon. So damn depressing. Gave Barkley a shower with my shower today since he did not get a bath on Sunday as usual. Finished the antibiotic I was giving him for his allergy sores on his skin and they are now gone. So I figured I must keep up with the baths or they will just return. There going to return anyway, but hopefully not for a while. Making a canned beef stew, tater tots and a salad for dinner tonight. Don't feel like cooking dinner at all. This weather is so depressing. Very depressing thoughts enter my head all day as I just sit here watching the clock and TV. A little sun would help. Makes me dwell on my HIV status and where life is going and where it has been. At one point today I was thinking what a waste it has been to spend 22 years with the same person and all I might have missed. Then I did start thinking more positive and the fact that I have been lucky to have someone by my side through the good and bad for the past 22 years. Tony is not the most passionate or romantic husband in the world but he has stayed by my side through all my HIV bullshit. Especially when you consider the fact I got HIV in those 22 years. I can't imagine not having him or someone to lean on during the hard times, the deaths of pets and family, health problems and just the daily shit that throws blocks in your life. So, I guess I still have a way to go from unhealthy depressed thoughts to happy thankful thoughts. Wish I could block the unhealthy depressing thoughts before they ruin my day and make me sad. I am sure doing nothing all day doesn't help. I need more of a purpose in life fast. I feel I am wasting my life doing nothing every day. Something has to change. Turning 50 this weekend has to make a difference. Quiting smoking will be the first step. I do need a life change. I need more to do in my life, more time doing things for myself and not just for Tony or the dogs, and start working out to lose this weight I have gained making me feel fat and ugly. No time like the present, hey?
Maybe this turning 50 can be a good thing? Just can't imagine where all the time has gone and how I can never get it back. That I think is the main thing .... I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK!
Will spend the night watching the Dance results and the ABC TV lineup tonight. Will DVR The Good Wife and NCIS shows along with Glee and Raising Hope. The Lilac tree in the side yard is starting to get buds on it, hopefully that is a good sign spring will some day come? Tomorrow night we go and see my all time favorite play Les Miserables. I can't wait. I cry during the performance and love every minute of it. For some reason this play makes me cry and feel sad, but I love it just the same.