January 6, 2011 Thursday Late Afternoon

Got up this morning at my usual 6:30 AM time. Fed the dogs and got Tony off to work. Spent a half hour working out, re potted a plant into a different pot, took a shower, and headed to the grocery store. Made a bank deposit and did a little food shopping before coming home and making myself a ham sandwich for lunch. This is my third day without a cigarette. I am not a happy guy right now. If the dogs ask me for one more thing or need to go outside one more time, I might loose it. Been laying on the couch listening to Mariah Carey thinking of what my life was like two years ago on this date.

Two years ago to this date I was still not HIV+, at least I didn't know it. I remember these days well when this time of year comes around. I guess you never forget the day you find out you are HIV+. I remember not wanting to call my doctor for the blood results telling myself I will call tomorrow. I did know 'something' was not right with my body. I even thought it might be HIV. I never thought I would find out I have AIDS. Two years ago to this date I hoped my doctor would call and tell me everything will be ok if I take a pill or two for a short period of time. Never did I think I would have to take HIV meds for the rest of my life to stay alive. I remember playing games with my mind telling myself if it was 'that' bad my doctor would have called with my blood results by this time. Man, was I wrong. Two years ago to this date tomorrow I called my doctor to get my blood results only to be told I had to come to the office to get them. I remember thinking 'this can not be good'. I remember taking a shower to get ready to go to the office, shivering in the shower, half because of the winter's cold, half because I was so scared about what I might hear in about a half hour when I got to the doctor's office. I remember that long drive to the doctor's office even though it is only a mile away. I remember waiting in the office waiting room for what seemed a lifetime. I remember the nurse taking me to the office and putting my file down in front of me. I remember her first words to me were 'your blood test results show you are HIV+'. I think at that point the mind just sort of stops for a second and you don't hear much for a while after that news. I remember next being in my car thinking how I will ever be able to tell Tony and wondering how long I have to live. I walked into the house and called Tony at work asking him to meet me at home because my test results came back HIV+. I did not know what to expect from him at that point. He was home from work very fast. I do remember he did and said all the right things. He told me 'we will get through this' and gave me the biggest hug I can remember in our 20 years together. It is a day you never forget. The next days were filled with more doctor appointments, meeting my HIV specialist, meeting others like myself in group therapy, and crying a lot. Crying a lot! About a week later I found out not only was I HIV+, but I had AIDS. I remember not even realizing this and not even hearing my HIV doctor saying it to me until I got home with Tony from that appointment. I remember it was like a light bulb went on and I looked at Tony and said 'do you know I have AIDS?' 'I'm not just HIV+, I have AIDS'. Tony looked at me and said he realized that in the doctor's office when we went through the blood test results. It took me an hour later to have it actually set in. I remember picking up my first prescription of Atripla wondering what side effects I will have and if it will even work to keep me alive. As I look back on the last two years it sure has been a journey. Many ups and downs along the way. I am still alive. I feel better than I did two years ago. I feel healthier than I did two years ago. I have many new friends that I did not even know two years ago. And I still have Tony by my side every day to help me along this path. I would have to say I am in a better place today than I was two years ago. I still look at myself every day in the mirror and say 'you have AIDS' or hear that little voice in my head reminding me I have AIDS. But, I don't cry as often. I don't think tomorrow might be my last day on this earth anymore. I guess I have hope that next year I might even be healthier, happier, and yes ... still alive.