April 17, 2012 Tuesday Afternoon

Spent last night watching Dancing With The Stars and then Castle before going to sleep. Watched the last half of Dancing and Castle in bed snuggling with Stella, Bo, Kali, Vito and Tony. Finally fell asleep sometime after 11 PM.

This morning I woke up at 4:30 AM and the first thought was 'Barkley'. The tears started flowing knowing he is no longer here. Got up and watching a little TV before Tony got up and we fed the dogs and gave Vito his shot. Barkley's favorite times of the day was breakfast and supper. Was hard not to have to feed a dog you fed for 4 years. Tony left for work around 7:30 AM. I then got on the computer and put all my Barkley pictures together so I could order copies at Walgreen's online. Ordered 13 pictures, one enlargement of Barkley in a 10 x 14, and a mix of all the pictures on one picture, an 8 x 10. Within an hour I got an email saying they were ready to be picked up. Called the store I order a plaque from to go on the flag pole to see if they still have the design, they did and after I emailed him the new picture to add and Barkley's information, he emailed me the following:

I told him to make it and let me know when it is done. I then called the flag company where I have the flag on the flag pole made to see if they still have the last design so I can add another Beagle to it. They have yet to call me back. Left for Walgreen's around 10:45 AM and picked up the pictures. I then went to Little Cesar's and picked up two pizza's and dropped them off at the vet to thank them for yesterday since I am sure they were affected by the howling and all also, much less seeing us walk out in tears with the body of Barkley. They thanked me. I also made an appointment for Saturday to bring Stella in for her shots and nail trim that was suppose to take place yesterday instead of Barkley. I figure on Saturday I will take Stella while Tony stays home with the other dogs. I can't have them see another brother or sister walk out the door wondering if they will return. Having one of us home will help. I know, I am nuts. Stopped off at the neighbor for a quick cry and came back home. Hung the large picture I had made in a frame I bought in the bedroom with Tiny's, Shadow's, Betty and Buddy's. Put the other pictures on the dining room table for Tony to see before I put them in the photo album. Sucks now that everything is digital. I didn't have one hard copy picture of Barkley except for Christmas cards. I now have some I can look at on paper. It might sound crazy but I have to do everything I did for the other, now dead dogs, like adding a pic of him to the flag and plaque and picture in the bedroom, or I will forever feel like I slighted Barkley in some way. I don't want him feeling like he was less than the others in any way. I know he is gone and only I know this, but I have to live with the decisions made. Put on some slow sad music and spent some time on the bed with the dogs. Not in the mood to cook tonight. Last night the neighbor was so nice. She sent over a plate of food for the both of us. How thoughtful knowing what we are going through. Guess I ment to say an IV tube rather than catheter like I did in yesterday's now corrected post. Tonight I am hoping to go to Hobo with Tony to buy some new carpets for the house. Cleaning the smell from Barkley is impossible and new ones have to be bought. Still can't get that sound of Barkley out of my head as they tried to euthanize him. I guess it will take time. I keep going back and forth with the thought 'was I a good daddy', and 'I wish I wouldn't have yelled at him for this or that'. I have to stop beating myself up and know I did the best I could humanly do with him. I guess my thought is: It sucks to wish you were nicer to someone after they are gone.