March 10, 2011 Thursday Dinner Time

Got up this morning at 6 AM, fed the dogs and gave Vito his Insulin shot. Around 7:15 AM Tony and I left the house and dropped off Vito at the vet for another day of blood tests to monitor his glucose levels. Tony then dropped me off at home. Spent the morning and early afternoon cleaning and doing 4 loads of laundry. I do about one load of laundry a day around this house. Today I washed all the bedding, blankets and dog blankets in the bedroom. Took 4 loads to do it all. The vet called around 2 PM to tell me Vito was ready to be picked up. His levels are better, but still not within normal yet so we have to once again increase his Insulin from 5 to 6 units starting tonight. The vet said if 6 units doesn't do more we may have to look into treating the Cushing disease. The vet wrote me an estimate of $250 - $450 for those tests. WTF? Today was another $150. I told the vet that I don't see that as an option. We have spent already more than we can afford on this dog and going down another road of tests is simply not an option. I was told to give it some thought and make another appointment for two weeks from today for Vito to come back for another round of glucose monitoring. At least I can skip a week at $150 a test. I love Vito and all but when it starts getting in the 1000's of dollars you have to think if the money is being well spent and other alternatives. If Vito was 2 years old it would be another thing, he is going on 8. Came home and spent some time with Vito before taking Stella for a walk around the block. It is in the 40s today in Milwaukee and the sun is shining. Thought it good for both of us to get out for a walk. Making a pizza and salad for dinner tonight. Just don't feel like cooking. Will watch American Idol and then CSI and Mentalist tonight before going to bed. Tomorrow is lunch with the guys, Tony has to buy lunch this week since we always have the Birthday person buy lunch the week of their Birthday for everyone. It all works out in the end since everyone has a yearly Birthday.

Been feeling a little depressed lately. Been having some weird thoughts. Spent the last few days just laying on the couch thinking about the past, future, and life in general. I think it is due to the funeral we went to on Monday. As I stared at the body in the casket I once again tried to wrap my brain around the idea that some day I will be the one laying in the casket. It just can't be. I can't imagine my mind not working any more. Got me thinking of all the friends and family that have died and are no longer around. I wish just one could come back and tell me there is a heaven. Just one. I sometimes feel like I am wasting the rest of my life away not working and just staying around the house as much as I do. I wish I could accomplish more. I used to have a career and a purpose in life, lately I do not feel any purpose for being here any more. Don't take that as suicidal, I simply wish I could and would do more with my life. After all, you only get to go around once and I will be 50 years old next month. I laid on the couch today staring at the ceiling and walls thinking that some day someone else will be living in this house. Someone else will be walking around this house when I am no longer alive. I guess I just don't understand death. I am so afraid of death. I can't imagine not being here to see the daily news and events that happen daily or see Tony, my family, friends or dogs. It just doesn't seem like this can happen to me, even though I do know everyone dies some day. I think death is going to be painful, lonely, scary, and final. Why wouldn't that scare the hell out of me happening someday? If anyone has any thoughts on death or dieing, or books they have read that have helped with this subject, I would love to hear from you.