June 29, 2009 Monday Night

Met my past employer this afternoon at my past place of employment. Spent a few hours there walking around seeing people I worked with and getting a sense of what I would be in for if I came back to work. I definitely could keep busy and go back full time. I do not have the energy for that honestly. I am trying to pull back on the reins a bit here and not dive in so fast. I said I would start back next week Monday for a few hours. When I got home I was very exhausted. finished cleaning the house from the weekend and made lasagna for dinner. Tony is asleep snoring on the couch already and it is only a little past 8:30 PM. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow, one of my last for a while. I feel mentally strong enough plus I have many other outlets if needed. Might even go in to work a few hours tomorrow afternoon if I am not getting the nephew till later in the day. Until then.............

June 29, 2009 Monday Morning

Had a good weekend. The weather was great here in Milwaukee all weekend. Friday night we did stay in. Made salad and a Cornish hen for dinner. Saturday, since it was so nice outside, we took a drive in the afternoon along the Milwaukee lake front in the 65 Cadillac Convertible. We stopped off at Tony's sisters house to see her new puppy. Saturday night we went out to eat at a local Mexican restaurant for dinner and watched TV the rest of the night. Sunday was so nice again. I bit cooler than the days before. But great weather. Tony and I took Tony's mother out for breakfast and then headed to Tony's brother's house for a rummage sale he was having. Came home and hung out at home for a while with the dogs enjoying the nice weather. Took Barkley and Stella for a drive in the afternoon around the lake front and took them for a short walk in the park. Got home around dinner time on Sunday and made a frozen pizza. Watched a couple episodes of season 4 of Weeks and the first 3 episodes of Nurse Jackie. I like the show Nurse Jackie. I can relate and like her way of her nursing. Got to bed around 10 PM Sunday night.

Today I got just about everything done around the house and in time I will call my past boss and see what time she would like to meet today at the south location to finalize what I would do if I came back to work in a limited way. Should be interesting to walk around the building I took care of for over 4 years of employment. Tuesday we are getting Tony's nephew for the week. Been thinking of things to keep him busy till he leaves on Saturday. Four days with the kid will be fun but exhausting. I think we will go to the Milwaukee County Zoo one day, a movie another day, and hopefully Tony is taking Friday off for the holiday and we can do something the three of us all day. I am sure we will all go bowling one day also since Tommy loves to go bowling with his Uncle Dave and Tony. Beautiful day again here in Milwaukee. High 70s and low 80s all this week, perfect.

June 26, 2009 Friday Morning Reflection: Life and Death

Got up this morning about 7 AM when I heard Good Morning America on in the back ground since Tony was up and already watching the morning news and reading the newspaper. First thought threw my head was 'Michael Jackson is dead'. WOW. I then walked out and looked at Tony and said "Michael Jackson is dead, wow". Tony said, "dead". WOW. I was heart broken enough yesterday about Farrah Fawcett's dead and now Michael Jackson. I just wish everyone could live forever which is just a crazy thought. Death is so sad.

I am playing the double cd HIStory by Michael Jackson as I type this. Such a talented man. It makes one reflect how important life really is and not to take anything for granted. I was laying back in the recliner thinking how horrible it would be to get the news of Tony having a heart attack. I have run through the scenario in my mind, trust me. I don't think that is strange considering he had quadruple bypass heart surgery three years ago. His heart was out of his body on a bypass machine for over 6 hours. So I do have to worry. He does go in to the doctor again in two weeks for a check up. I have been telling him here and there that if he doesn't tell the doctor EVERYTHING I will go with him to the appointment. I would go anyway but he would rather go alone, just Tony's personality. I like him with me to important appointments. Tony continuously tells me he feels fine and since he was able to diagnose himself weeks prior to him almost biting the dust I have to trust he is in tune to his body. He just / must tell his doctor even the slightest concern. I was laying back thinking how happy I am that I look at Tony most morning as he walks out the door and say "Give me a kiss". We either kiss or playfully turn our heads and touch cheeks. Its corny but I think it is the gesture that matters most. I hope I remember things like that if the sad time should ever come when he dies prior to me. It also makes me reflect how close I was to being in serious trouble with my health just this past January. Then also how I was even considering bringing my life to an end there in February and March. How would Tony have managed with the business, the dogs, the house and life if I had been so selfish. Plus you got people like Farrah that did all they could to stay alive. Death is so final and so sad. I sit here in tears thinking how I spent the last day with my grandma about a year and a half ago as she lied on her bed dieing. Taking four dogs to the vet knowing what was about to happen has not been easy either. It was one year ago last weekend that I put my Buddy 'down'. I still miss him daily. He was my Buddy. I think they are comparable in scope due to the fact you have to make the decision when it is a pet. You are saying 'your life is now over'. I sure hope there is a heaven and my dogs are there. I have very little hope, but one has to hang on to some kind of comforting thought. It's either that or believe it is like a light switch and everything just goes black. Like being put under for surgery. That is more how I look at it now. Maybe that is why I am so afraid to die. It is so final. Plus I have to do it alone. I hate alone. I also reflect on how even with four dogs sometimes down the middle of the bed and around us we manage to make sure our feet or something is touching the other person as we fall asleep. Tony's playful way of pushing me away when I say it is time for a hug comes to mind. Or when I dance naked in front of him or do something stupid and then look at him and say 'who else would do that with you', as he shakes his head and laughs saying 'yah, who else' in his sly tone. I'm smiling just thinking of these things. I tell Tony often how much 'I Love' him. I often have to prompt a response. LOL, but know he loves me too. I reflect on how every time I wanted to remodel this or install that he would resist only to see when it was all finished how it was a good idea and how proud he is of it being accomplished. I also see a man who began working on cars in his parents back yard, bar tended and eventually opened up his own successful auto body business while he was looking for the right man to settle down with. I was lucky enough to be that man. I am glad I put my foot down here and there when he wants to work late or gets mad when cars are not finished on time. I told him after his heart scare that if he starts as early in the day as he does by 5 PM no car is worth it. He must come home, he has worked hard enough. He saw the light on this one. I remember when he used to work till 9 or 10 PM at the auto body shop busting his balls. Life is to short. We don't need another flat screen TV or vacation as long as we have each other.

I am rambling. Glad I went grocery shopping yesterday. Just have to shower and wait for Tony to pick me up for our lunch with the guys. Puppy sitting for a friends dog tonight for just one night. I am sure we will stay in tonight and just be together with our dogs. That means I either have to cook or order delivery, hmmm. Loaded up the Winamp on the computer with enough Jackson music to play out all morning. I am sure the tenants upstairs are so pleased. LOL

June 25, 2009 Michael Jackson

OMG. Wow, what a day in the deaths of two famous people. Throw in Ed McMahon this past week and it has been quite a loss for everyone. Michael Jackson. Again, all the wealth and fame does not guarantee anything. Watch his CD's race to the top positions of the music charts. I even checked my library, yup, got them all, even the greatest hits. Michael rest in peace. No more fixing your looks. Wonder if he has it written in his will to have a big funeral or small family thing.

June 25, 2009 Farrah Fawcett

Just saw on the news Farrah Fawcett died this morning. How sad. I really really liked her. Loved her in the movies she made and of course Charlie's Angels. Loved the movie where she got raped by the guy and then held him captive in her fire place tied up. What was the name of that movie? Extremities? So sad. Goes to show all the money and fame can't change the fact that when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. I remember having a poster of her in high school in my locker so I would appear straight and cool. I told Tony earlier in the week I thought she would be gone by Friday. Not one of those times I wanted to be right. So this writing is dedicated to Farrah Fawcett. May her pain be no more and her memory live on.

June 25, 2009 Thursday Morning

Seems like a long time since I posted. Let me try to catch you up. I am listening to the Chorus Line Soundtrack as I type this because of seeing the play last night. So if you hear me singing out a few lines as the soundtrack plays................... Hot as hell again here in Milwaukee today. I am not sure I will leave the house today, maybe go outside for small amounts of time. Guess the heat wave will last until Sunday and then next week back to more comfortable lower 80s. It has been in the 90s the last few days, and humid. Yuck. Anyway. Yesterday I did finally get to meet with my past boss and see her dog which I love dearly. It had been 10 months. This dog spent every day in my office when I worked there due to the owner/boss bringing her to work everyday and the dog adores me. I called when I was in her driveway so she could send Molly outside and not pee from excitement in the house. She walked up to me and stood about 5 feet away and just looked at me till the owner picked her up and I went closer. It was then when she could smell me it was like a light bulb went off in the dogs head. I spent about 3 hours at her house and Molly was in my arms the entire time. She would not leave my side or arms. Molly is a Mulipoo. White and sooooo cute. Had a very nice conversation as well as a tour of her beautiful home. I am pursuing the option of working back at her company. She offered me very generous terms if I came back. As many hours as I can handle and any days I would choose. Most likely one day at a facility (Monday's) and one day at her home, maybe a little Internet and phone work from my home on some days. I am meeting her again next Monday where I use to work so we can walk around and access the situation and more of what she would have in mind for me. Believe it or not this has cause a little bit of tension at home. Tony is totally against me going back to work. I am honestly confused and unsure where he is coming from even though I have brought up the subject and we talk about it. It is not that he doesn't want me going back to work necessarily at my past job, he sounds more like he doesn't want me going back to work, period. Now that is very tempting but I have been around the house for 10 months now. I need more of a purpose and sense of accomplishment. I don't get any complement for keeping the house clean and food in Tony's stomach. I do get the feeling of complement as will as criticisms when I work. I can take one with the other and think it is only human nature to need more. I also for all the bitching I did at my past job did feel a sense of accomplishment and worth. I also know I could walk back into my job and some of my past duties very easily. I think I can handle two days a week, maybe a six hour day each day, which she is offering me. I do feel better when I force or push myself to accomplish something each day. I can't just sit around the house and look out the window each and every day. Today I plan on just cleaning and dusting and as you can see from this long post it is not something I look forward to starting. I have to also make a few phone calls. One to reschedule next Mondays therapist appointment since I am meeting the owner, one to confirm we can take care of a friends dog for a few hours on Saturday while his carpets get cleaned, ...............
and one to my doctor because I have had this fricken rash on my neck and now arms for over two weeks and it is driving me crazy itching. There are noticeable rash marks. I am just scared to call the doctor and putting it off because I would hate to think it is my meds and an adjustment might have to be made. I put a post at TheBody.com about it and have gotten many responses and emails. Some ranging from stress related, to sun related to needing to switch from Atripla (my cocktail) to a different AIDS drug. This of course would bring on more stress and of course side effects adjusting to a new cocktail drug. The last being of most concern to me. Made one phone call, the one confirming the dog visit Saturday. Two phone calls to go. Have to sit back and listen to my favorite song on the Chorus Line Soundtrack, What I Did For Love. I'm back, the cd player has now switched to the Les Miserables soundtrack, my favorite play and soundtrack. Last nights play A Chorus Line was very good. It did seem a little rough, I like a softer version of the songs when sung. It seemed they gave each song a harder edge rather than softly singing the songs. OK, let me reread this post, spell check and get this day going................

June 23, 2009 Tuesday Night

Hot Humid Horrible. Was in the 90s today here in Milwaukee. Very humid. Heat index over 100 degrees and heat warning here all day. Tomorrow it is suppose to be even hotter. Guess Gore was right. Did a little trimming of the grass early this morning before it got too hot. Moved very slowly around the house even with the central air conditioning on. You can still just feel the humidity. Went outside as little as possible. Did a lot of resting in between each task. Drove to Walgreen's, stuck my hand in the pool which is still to cold, and picked up dog poop outside. That was it until Tony came home from work and we went to a car show as the sun was setting at the Harley Davidson Museum. You would think it would have gotten some what cooler with the sun setting but no, now there is no breeze and hotter than hell. Came home from the car show and took a second shower for the day. Watching America's Got Talent on NBC. I do like this show. Liked it when Jerry Springer hosted better. DVR'ing a show on History Channel I was told was very good. It is called Life After People. Was told by a neighbor to watch because she thought it was one of the best shows she has seen in memory. So I am passing it along. I am sure it is shown many times on the History Channel. Tomorrow I am meeting with my past boss and seeing her dog Molly. Should be tearful and well worth the wait. Will be interesting to see if the dog remembers me after 10 months. Tomorrow night we have tickets to see the Broadway Play Chorus Line at the PAC here in Milwaukee. Seen it many times, even the TV version. Always enjoyable to sit back and watch. Should be a good show. Till then.............

June 22, 2009 Monday Night

Had a good day for a Monday. Got up by 7 AM and got the morning routine started. Was at my therapist appointment at 11 AM. I am thinking of cutting the therapist appointments down or discontinuing for a while since it is summer, I feel better mentally, and there is so much to do and other meetings and groups if I need support rather than a weekly meeting with her cutting into my day. I have another appointment next week, but I think I might make them monthly for a while, during the summer. Read the advice from yesterdays blog regarding not nagging Tony so much if he got a job I wanted done, finished. I get it and agree. Thanks for setting me back on the right road. Got home from my therapist and made an enclosure for the pool I set up in the back yard. Enclosed so the tree it is under doesn't fill it daily with leaves and crap falling from the tree. Had a 12' x 12' tarp that I used as a cover. Vacuumed and took a second shower so I could smell fresh for my 6 PM dinner meeting at BioScrip here in Milwaukee. Got dinner, good information. The monthly meetings stop for the summer after this meeting and resume in September. Was hot again today here in Milwaukee. It must have gotten to 85 degrees and very humid. Looks like the rest of the week is in the 80s or even 90s mid week. The central air conditioning went on around noon today. Just to hot and humid for me. Looks like the house will have the air conditioning on for the week. Our upstairs tenant's brother died today. Never good news and was unexpected. It will be a long week for their family. Just watching CBS rerun lineup tonight. Never did watch the last two episodes of Invasion yet. We last night watched about four episodes of the show Weeds which is on Showtime. It is a very good show. We are about half way through season four. I must say I liked the first 3 seasons better. I liked it better when she lived in the 'tiny boxes'. Living on the Mexico border is getting boring. I do LOVE Celia. She should get an award for her acting in season four, they put her through so much. LOL. Till tomorrow. .....

June 21, 2009 Sunday Night

Woke up this morning feeling OK. I did get up my usual three times during the night to pee. Was up and out of bed by 7:30 AM today. Tony of course was up much earlier. After reading a bit of the newspaper I made eggs, sausage, toast and coffee cake for breakfast. It was so hot and humid yesterday and it looks like it is going to continue through the week. So, this morning I set up the 12 foot pool I bought a month ago in the back yard. Got it all blown up and filled with water. Got the pump and filter going on a timer. Hopefully by Wednesday when it is expected to be in the 90s the water will be warm enough to swim in. Covered it up with a tarp so the leaves and bugs don't get in the water. After it was about 1/2 full I turned off the water so we could meet some friends at a car show near the Milwaukee airport. Was a big car show. Lots of cars for Tony to look at, and a nice crowd to keep me interested. Got home after 3 PM after stopping off to buy our weekly lottery tickets. One of these days.............. Finished filling the pool. Working good so far. Tony and I both showered again for the day since it is so hot and humid here in Milwaukee and then we walked three blocks, yes walked, to a new Italian Cafe that just opened this past weekend. Had the spaghetti and meat balls. VERY GOOD. Tony had some kind of spaghetti and meat balls with mushrooms. I do not eat mushrooms. Both of us enjoyed the dinner. Was reasonably priced and would go back again. The spaghetti sauce was very sweet, but that is how I like it and make my sauce when I cook. Now that we are home there is nothing on TV. So I am going to fire up the DVR and watch the final two episodes of Invasion that we recorded. Been holding off for just the right time when I will not be bothered.
So, until tomorrow.

June 20, 2009 Saturday Night

Tippsy. Feeling no pain. Jeez am I a light weight. Had less than 2 drinks at the North Avenue Street Festival and I am having the hardest time typing this blog. Disclaimer: Not responsible for what gets written from this point forward. LOL

Last night the storms in Milwaukee were not as bad as the storms to the south of us. Racine and Kenosha got hit hard. Jo will know what I am talking about. Hwy 94 and exit 50 was completely under water from the amount of rain and the tornado that went through Kenosha. We had rain here in Milwaukee and a little bit of lightening. After the night before's storms they would be hard to beat. Tony and I watched some boring horror flick on Chiller TV last night and were in bed by 10 PM due to lack of sleep the night before, due to the storms that lasted endlessly. Since we went to bed so early Tony was up by 6 AM, I got up at 7 PM, trying to stay in bed as long as I could. Read the morning paper and did the morning routine. Tony headed to the auto body shop by 9:30 with some excuse. LOL I think he just needs to get away from me at least once a day. It's Saturday. The shop is closed. I mentioned I would love for him to finish the small part of the easement on the second floor I could not reach last week when painting. He of course said he would be home in no time. I did have to call and ask him at about 11:30 when he thought he might be home. I in the mean time cleaned out the garage rain gutters, vacuumed, cleaned up the yard, showered and had the ladder set up for him. He managed to take all afternoon to finish an area that would have taken me an hour, but it was an area I can not reach and feel uncomfortable painting because it is so high and not a lot to hold on to. He did get it done by 4:30. Three beers later of course. What is it about husbands that when they do a house project they seem to spend 10 minutes on the project and an hour patting themselves on the back for the little they accomplished. Plus a project you know you could do more efficiently they turn into a MAJOR project. When it could have been done without making it into one. I swear it is the alcohol talking. The area I wanted finished is finished. I took each of the dogs for a walk around the block and tinkered around the house as Tony painted. After the dogs were fed and Tony was showered we went to a street festival called North Avenue Block Party. They close off a big portion of the eastside we live on where a lot of the trendy bars are. Less than a half mile away. As you can tell we had a good time. Ran into some friends of Tony's as well as friends of ours. Got home and turned on the central air conditioning because over 80 degrees is too damn hot to sleep in. From the weather, looks like the air conditioning will be on for a while. I knew it would go from cool to hot in a week here in Milwaukee. Watching Harper's Island, or at least as much as one can watch while typing this blog making a spelling mistake at least every five words. Needed a night out. Tony worked hard today painting as well as I did earlier in the day. The tension has still been there since at this point Tony has not gotten final word on his shop loan without my signature or cosigning. So we needed the night out. I am sure we will be sleeping by 10:30. Tony much earlier than I. Sunday we have a car show and meeting some friends at it. Suppose to be hot again tomorrow. Not liking hot. Going to reread this blog and post before my mind totally turns to mush. Don't worry, I won't forget to take my pills before I fall asleep. Have still not missed even one night of the AIDS cocktail Atripla since starting in January. Not one night. Guess that is why my numbers are doing as well as one could expect. But that thought just brought me down so I am going to sign off now.

June 19, 2009 Friday Late Afternoon

If I ever say we don't get big thunder/lightning storms here remind me about last night. Unbelievable! I thought the world was coming to an end.

Went to me board meeting yesterday afternoon and when I got home I was bound and determined to finish the second coat of paint on the area I had started the day before. Did it. Made spaghetti for dinner and waited for the storms to roll in. About 12:20 AM last night they began. I honestly do not remember the last time we had such thunder and lightning. It last 3 hours and was non stop for the entire 3 hours. There were some lightning and thunder that I thought must have hit right out back of the house they were so loud and shook the house. I sat in our glass enclosure for a while till I actually backed my way into the house because it was so threatening. Vito barked, cried and wailed the entire 3 hours. Kali shook like a leaf the entire 3 hours. Barkley and Stella could not have cared less. I thought Kali and Vito were going to have a heart attach they got so disturbed. What a light show, what a sound show. I thought the world was coming to an end when the fire trucks rolled down our street going somewhere at 1:30 AM. Lightning must have hit a house close by. The rain was coming down so hard the streets had inches of rain with no place to go. Lots of flooding and lightning damage on the news around Milwaukee this morning. More storms are rolling in for early this evening, some could be severe. I am watching them on the radar and they are just crossing from Iowa into Wisconsin. With it getting as humid as it is I am sure they will be huge. I love storms, but last nights storms where even a little scary for me. No wind so to speak, just very loud non stop lightning and thunder for 3 hours straight.

Got up this morning pretty tired from being up most of the night. Managed to get out of the house and to Walgreen's, Pick N Save, and the hardware store prior to Tony showing up with Stella so Tony and I could go to lunch with the guys. Once again a lunch filled with laughs and even a little knowledge. Somehow we got into the subject of concrete only for someone to inform us the Hoover Damn concrete is still drying in the middle even though the damn was built so long ago. It takes cement that long to dry and get hard when it is as thick as a damn. Got home and did a little cleaning and vacuuming. Making salad and pizza for super tonight. Tony will be tired from working all day and lack of sleep last night, plus the storms coming in at dinner time tonight, it does not sound like a good idea to leave the house. Looks like summer is here. It is in the mid 80s today and getting very humid. I HATE HUMID. Contemplating turning on the central air conditioning it is getting that humid and hot out. I am just to lazy to go around and close all the windows. Looks like 80s for at least the next week according to the long term forecast. Over 80 degrees is getting too hot for me. I like 60s and 70s. Will right again soon. Storms must be headed eastward so brace yourself out there.

June 18, 2009 Thursday Morning

Had a day of struggles yesterday. From the time I woke up till the time I went to bed I had to push myself through the day. In the morning it rained which doesn't help me get going on any day. By the afternoon the sun started to come out and it got a bit easier to get through the day. I honestly can not believe how much the weather and lack of sun affects me. I did manage to get done most I wanted during the course of the day taking long rest breaks in between each project. I scraped a part of the house and gave it one coat of paint. No energy today to put the second coat on yet. Also played with the pond trying to clean it up a bit. Last night we went to a car show at the Solid Gold McDonald's here in Milwaukee. Dragged myself through it. Watched a little TV and went to bed at 10 PM.

Today the sun is out and Summer seems to finally be coming. I can feel the humidity and tonight we are suppose to get some huge storms. I love storms. I played with the pond a little more this morning and when I am done typing this blog I have to get in the shower so I can get to my ARCW board meeting from 1 PM to 3 PM. Hope we accomplish something this time. If I had more energy I would type more. Just can't seem to get it together these last two days.

June 16, 2009 Tuesday Night

Got up this morning feeling tired and sad. Had a dream about my past boss and her dog. Was not a bad dream but I haven't seen this dog that loved me dearly for almost 10 months now. So I called my past boss and had a nice conversation. We have been trying for some time to get together for a puppy visit with no luck. We firmed up a day next week. This made me very happy. My past boss also said again how much she misses me, how much I helped keep her on track, and how much she would appreciate me thinking about working for her personally. I did enjoy working for her. She is a strong, dominant, work oriented person, but fair. She expects a lot of her employees but is fair in her expectations. We always saw things pretty much on the same page. I told her I still would be interested in finding out more about what she would have in mind and we will talk more next week when we get together. I do know how busy she is and I do appreciate her work ethic. We are both 'get it done now' kind of people. She would like to talk about me working for her personally a couple days a week, a couple hours a day, when I am up to it on a given day. Sounds very much like something I can do and would be happy to do. The only problem is she lives about a half hour away so the drive would be the downfall. Will keep you informed on what happens.

Did some work around the yard. Started draining part of the pond as I filled it from the opposite side. The water is so cloudy and no solution I add seems to be helping. So I figure if I daily change out some of the water it might look better and be able to see the 40 or so fish when they are at the bottom of the pond. While the pond was filling and draining I did a little weeding and then opened the back garage to get the second half of the long ladder to use on the high points of the house as I continue painting. As I was getting the ladder out of the garage the door slammed shut and I found myself trapped in the garage with no apparent way to get out. I kind of panicked for a while trying to get the door to go up so I could get out of the garage, with no luck. I finally found the latch, in the dark, and got the door open. For a while there I thought I would be stuck in the back garage until Tony got home 6 hours later. Got showered and drove to the pet store to pick up more special dry dog food for Barkley. The food and the antibiotic are clearing up his skin perfectly. Plus he has stopped chewing and licking himself and making sores. Then headed to Walgreen's to pick up 4 prescriptions, one of which, the pain pills, they have to order from another pharmacy and will have the rest of the prescription tomorrow. So I guess I will be going to Walgreen's again tomorrow. Went to Tony's shop and got Stella and brought her home. She was very happy to see me. She doesn't care if she is with me at home, or Tony at the auto body shop, just as long as she is with one of her daddies. Honestly, I think she likes to go to the shop for a while, but then is happy to see me take her home rather than having to stay all day. Not sure what happened to the rest of the afternoon, LOL. I am actually shaking my head as I sit here because I honestly can't think where the rest of the afternoon went. It started drizzling about an hour ago so that means I have to make dinner rather than eat at the Tuesday Harley Davidson car show. Making Bertolli Chicken Parmesan, actually this stuff is not so bad and very easy to make. Will throw some garlic bread in the oven and call it dinner. Have to surf through the reruns on TV tonight and see if we might not have caught something the first time around.

I am sure there will be not much conversation here at home tonight because Tony and I are having a disagreement. It will pass. After 20 years together it sometimes is good to have these 'corrections' in the relationship. He is refinancing his auto body shop and I initially agreed to co-sign on the new loan since the bank said I am a 50% member of the LLC. I checked into this and refiled the LLC so I was only 10% owner so I would not have to co-sign on the loan. I have no problem co-signing the loan if I am then also on the Title/Deed of the property. The shop has always been in Tony's name, the house in mine. I would not expect him to co-sign on the house loan and not put him on the deed/title. I do not want in any way to take the auto body shop he has made a business of away from HIM in any way. I know some might not understand, but since we can not get legally married in Wisconsin it is best for all concerned to have it this way. The auto body shop in Tony's name, the house in mine. I always figured if someone were to sue Tony because of something with the business, we would still have the house and a roof over our head. In turn, if someone sued me for something we would always have the business. Either way when one of us dies the other gets it, but tax wise it is best to keep it all separate. Does anyone see my point? I watch too many Judge Judy's to co-sign a loan and not have something to show for it. Remember, we are not married in the eyes of Wisconsin.

Going to finish dinner. Tony is now in the shower. Still drizzling outside. The TV, couch and dogs for the night.

June 15, 2009 Monday Afternoon

The word of the day is 'undetectable'. More on that later.

Sunday around noon we walked up to Locust Street festival to see who was there and watch the beer run. Runner run from bar to bar and have a drink at each bar. I could not do that even with the beer incentive. After we spent some time at Locust Street festival we headed over to the Third Ward for the Pridefest Parade. Was one of the best parades in history. Sun was out, beautiful weather. Where we went to watch the parade Miller Brewery is opening a new bar so they were giving out free beer and food. Unlimited beer and pork loin sandwiches. Filled up on the sandwiches and let Tony drink the beer. Sunday late afternoon we went back to Locust Street Block party for about an hour. It was so crowded and so many people there it was hard to even walk up and down the road through the festival. Was glad we left the festival around 5:45 because the gun fire started at 6 PM. One person shot by a gang member flashing signs. Such a shame one person can ruin a festival that has had no problems ever with one shot of a gun. Rested for about an hour and headed back to Pridefest for the Deborah Cox concert. Was very disappointing. She sang 7 songs and left. Three of the songs were slow songs, 4 were dance songs. Very disappointing that she did not sing her most recent dance songs. Thinking about writing a letter to her and Pridefest to tell them how disappointing the concert was. Came home early because Tony and I were both tired. We were both in bed by 10 PM. Did not sleep well last night. Thinking it was because of the anxiety of today's blood test results from my AIDS doctor. All in all it was a very nice weekend. Very fun.

Monday. Today Tony and I slept in till about 7:30 AM. (not on purpose) Got Tony off to work and started doing all I could do around the house prior to going to my doctor to find out my latest blood results. Tony went with me as support when I got my results today. Tony is a good man.
My HIV viral load is undetectable. This is a good thing and the goal. My TCell count has risen to 284. I was hoping for a higher TCell count but the doctor seems to be happy with my progress. At least they are headed in the right direction, increasing. Was also hoping to not have to take my Acylovir and Fluconazole after this doctor visit but that is not the case. He wants me to continue taking till my next blood test in September when my TCell count will hopefully be higher. I guess I should be happy with this latest round of blood tests. Maybe the fact I am so exhausted from the weekend is keeping me from celebrating. I am so tired I think everything else I wanted to accomplish today is going to have to wait until tomorrow. I think it is time for a nap.

June 14, 2009 Sunday Morning

Exhausted! I feel like someone threw sand in my eyes. Had a very nice yesterday. Tony and I ended up going to Pridefest for the afternoon. Walked around till our feet hurt. The festival is along the Milwaukee lakefront. Pridefest is the first of the summer festivals at the lakefront grounds. The weather has been almost perfect. It was a bit chilly Friday night. Saturday I thought was comfortable since I like 60s and 70s. Today it is in the 70s. And no rain all weekend. It can be so hit and miss. I remember two years ago when it rained all weekend and attendance was so low it threatened the next years festival. Got bored walking around by 4:30 PM and headed home to rest a bit and feed the dogs. Met some friends down at Pridefest again last night by 7:30. Had a great time. Brandy was the on the main stage. By the end of the night Tony and I were dancing in the dance tent, me with my shirt open sweating up a storm. Haven't danced like that in a long long time. It reminded me of a 'freak fest' all the young kids and leather guys dancing and going nuts to the thumping beats. I was in heaven. Tony tried to smile and make the most of it moving as little as possible to the beats. We actually closed down the festival last night leaving at Midnight when it closed. We came home and didn't even turn on the TV, went straight to bed. I guess Deborah Cox is tonight along with September so we are going to have to go down to Pridefest grounds again tonight. So much to do today. The Locust street festival a block down the road we will get to by noon. Tony grow up in the neighborhood so he sees many people he knows or grew up with. Then we have to be downtown by 2 PM for the Pridefest parade. Always worth a few laughs and smiles. Then we will come back home and go back to Locust Street festival till about dinner time, feed the dogs and head down to Pridefest for the night. I am sure we will be there till closing again since the concerts don't start till after 7 PM. That is if they even start on time. No gay show ever seems to start on time. Drag show or concert, never. So, I have to get my tired butt to the shower so I can get the day going. I did make us a big eggs, sausage and toast breakfast so the day is on.

June 13, 2009 Saturday Morning

Got up early Friday morning and started the daily routine. Read in the newspaper that the Pet Shop Boys are coming to Milwaukee in September and tickets go on sale at noon. I LOVE Pet Shop Boys. So after the Friday grocery shopping and lunch with the guys I got online and bought 2 tickets for the concert. The concert is September 15th so that means I am not going anywhere till then. Would not spend $70 a ticket and not be around. Tony is not a fan of the Pet Shop Boys so if I am not around the tickets would be a waste. So you guys are stuck with my until at least the middle of September. :) Took a long nap Friday afternoon since I know this is going to be a big weekend. Tony got home around 5:30 PM and we invited some friends over prior to going to the party and Pridefest. Went to the party with our friends. Had a great time. Know most of the people at the party. A very pretty group of guys. We then went to Pridefest around 9:30 PM and stayed there till almost closing at Midnight. Saw Cindy Lauper, or at least heard her. I did get a glimps here and there of her but the crowd was huge. Today's newspaper said attendance was up 42% over last year. Got home and watched TV for about an hour till I just could not stay up any longer. Tonight is Brandy and Deborah Cox.

This morning my sister called me at 8 AM in tears telling me she joined my nieces blog and then notice about 12 hours later that since she joined my blog it listed my blog as one she follows on my nieces blog. She was so upset and so sorry. She said she fixed it but is not sure if someone in our family that still does not know my status might have seen the link and it might be out there now. I told her to stop crying. I told her she did not do it on purpose and that we will let the chips fall where they fall. I love my sister Patti so much and I told her I loved her and to stop crying and worrying about it. Maybe she even did me a favor. I plan on calling her in a bit and once again reassuring her she should stop worrying about it. I am more upset she woke me up at 8 AM than maybe mistakenly sharing my blog. LOL

Will have a lazy morning this morning till we head to Pridefest again this afternoon. Home for dinner and feed the dogs, and back there at the fest for the night. Will be an exhausting day.

June 11, 2009 Late Afternoon

Thought I would pretend I don't notice the dogs all at my feet trying to tell me they are hungry and write today's blog. I feed them at 5 PM. If and when I feed them any earlier than that, the next day they start asking even earlier than on most days. In a lot of pain. Good pain. Did a lot of work today. Took a pain pill about an hour ago my back hurts so much. Got up this morning at 6:30 after a little bed play with Tony. Got showered and out the door a little after 8 AM for my 8:30 AM dentist appointment at ARCW. I hate going to the dentist more than going to the doctor. Had to have two cavities drilled and filled. I hate the shots. Hate the shots so much that as a kid I use to let the dentist drill without shots. Now I am a lot older and wiser so I know the pain of the shots will be much less than the pain of the drilling without shots. Got home and started putting together a car canopy we have had in the garage still in the box for at least 2 years. Bought it on sale. Have had other canopies over the back cars but they deteriorate in time and had to be taken down and thrown away. Cut the front yard grass. Took another shower and now since the dogs are fed I am just waiting for Tony to come home with Stella. Not going anywhere tonight. I think we will order a pizza cause I am too tired and sore to cook. Will spend the rest of the night on the couch watching the Invasion marathon on Chiller TV. Tomorrow night are the last four episodes of the season. It is so worth it to watch the last episode. Like I said in yesterday's blog it is like a concentration camp that the aliens made to then force the people into the water so the aliens can take over their bodies.

Friday I plan on going grocery shopping, lunch with Tony and the guys, nap the afternoon away and then the big Milwaukee Pridefest weekend begins. Not sure when I will have time to post. Have a Pre Pride party tomorrow night at dinner and then we will head down to the festival for the night to see Cindy Lauper. Saturday we will be there all afternoon and then again all night. Deborah Cox is at the festival Saturday night. Sunday between Pridefest and the block party two blocks away, Sunday will be a full day. I will be exhausted on Monday. Monday I get my latest blood test results. Should be interesting.

Eggplant. Michelle, I love deep fried Eggplant. With red dipping sauce. My mouth is watering. Now I will have to get some next time we are at an Italian restaurant. Don't forget to bring it to the house deep fried. LOL I wouldn't know what to do with them if you gave them to me from the garden.

Saw my baby rabbit today. He is eating my carrots so fast. I bought a huge bag of carrots last week and they are almost all gone. They are on my shopping list to buy again tomorrow. I put some lettuce out for him / her but it dried up before it found the lettuce. Hope everyone is doing OK. Till we meet again...........

June 10, 2009 Wednesday Night

Got up this morning around 7 AM. Got everything done around the house by 8:30 and was outside painting. Got the area above the kitchen sliding doors painted today on the first floor. Worked on the painting till about 1:30 and then I showered and got Stella to her vet appointment at 3 PM for hopefully her last blood test. After I got her home I touched up a little of the painting from this morning and after Tony got home we went to a local restaurant for cheap burgers. After dinner I went to my Wednesday night HIV meeting. Five of us where there tonight.

I am so excited. Last night when I was flipping through the channels to see what was on TV I found on Chiller TV that they are showing the complete season of Invasion. Some of you might remember this show. It was on after Lost the first season that Lost was on TV. I LOVED THIS SHOW. The final season final, which was not planned as being the last show, was just awesome. This show should have never been canceled. All the main actors have gone on to more TV shows. Basically the premise of the show was about a small town somewhere down south that had a hurricane. During the hurricane these fish like aliens took over people when they where in the water or go in the water still. The alien takes over your body and some people change for the better, some for the worse. Some people in this small town are figuring out that some people are just not the same since the hurricane. The series is about finding the answers and how involved the government is on this alien take over. On the final episode shown, the aliens had gathered thousands of people together like something out of the holocaust and were forcing them into the water as these aliens in the water took over the people's bodies. It sounds cornier than it was. I think I bitch for months about this show being canceled didn't I Jack? Anyway they are showing the complete season this week on Chiller TV. If you get Chiller TV on AT&T either watch it or DVR it. They are showing three episodes a night and the story is just beginning. Chiller shows the three nightly episodes twice each night this week. I will be watching the complete season or DVD'ing it this week. This show is so good, should never have been canceled.

June 9, 2009 Tuesday Night

Got up and got through the morning chores and was at my appointment at ARCW with a person to file the paperwork to appeal the social security denial. Filing this appeal is the first step. This makes social security look again at my case and make another decision. If social security denies it again then I will have to ask for a hearing. ARCW will help me through to the end even if it goes to a hearing. Very grateful for ARCW here in Milwaukee. Got home and rested for a little while till the sun showing through the blinds told me I had to get up and do something. First thought was how dirty the windows were so I got outside and washed them. Since I had the ladder out I painted a little red accent on the garage so now it is green, white and red, Italian colors for Tony. Tony didn't even notice it till I pointed it out after he got home. Drove to the local greenhouse down the road and bought some flowers for the back yard pots and planted them. Also bought a pond plant that floats in the pond. The fish love it. I know from experience to just buy one plant because by the end of the summer I am pulling them out of the pond because they have spread so much. Funny story. The lady who use to run the greenhouse died about a year ago. It is now run by someone else. That is obviously not the funny part of the story. Anyway, I told the new owner that I will always remember the old owner by what she said to me one year when I was buying pond plants. I always bought them to soon in the season and they always died and had to be replaced due to the cold nights. She finally the year before she died told me I will know when it is OK to put pond plants in the pond when I can stand outside naked in the middle of the night and not freeze my wiener off. She had a very dirty sense of humor. She was well loved and missed. After planting the plants I scraped some paint off a small area of the house so I can hopefully paint it tomorrow in my never ending quest to paint the house trim this summer. When Tony got home we went to the Harley Davidson Museum for a Car Show. It is not far from home in downtown Milwaukee. It was the perfect size car show. Enough for Tony to be happy and not too many for me to get bored. Plus the Harley Bikers make it much more visually appealing. Ate at the show. Had a brat and chips. Now just watching a little TV till it is time to go to bed. Tomorrow I just have to take Stella to an afternoon vet appointment so they can hopefully test her blood for the last time since she was having problems with her white count. I sure hope this is the last test for her, it's getting a little expensive with the vets lately.

I need to come up with a catchy end phrase to end each blog. Looking for suggestions. You know like 'Seacrest Out', or Better Tomorrows, etc. I will look for your suggestions.

June 8, 2009 Monday Night

We did end up going to Racine (Jo's stomping ground) for a huge car show along the Racine Lake Front. It was huge. I think I must have walked about 10 miles looking at the cars. To me, they all start to look alike. We spent a couple hours at the car show till my dirty looks at Tony showing him how bored I was finally got to him. On the way down to Racine I played with my new cell phone that I purchased on Saturday because my old cell phone needed a battery which would cost as much as a new phone. On the way back from Racine we stopped about half way home at an Ace Hardware store so I could run in and buy some bird food. We got home about 5 PM. About an hour later I started looking for my BRAND NEW cell phone. Nowhere. No where! After about an hour of loosing it because I still had not gotten even one call yet on the phone much less made one, and now I had to call Sprint and suspend the service till I find the phone or buy a new one which now will be at full price ($200). I was so pissed. I was laying on the bed about an hour later and Tony walked in telling me how when we were at Ace Hardware he notice a motorcycle guy pick up something and then set it against a pole. Thinking this just might have been my cell phone we drove the half hour to South Milwaukee to the Ace Hardware store to see if we could find my phone, if that was even the place I lost it at. We drove into the parking lot and there sitting on the pole, just as Tony had seen, was my Brand New Cell Phone.
I guess there is a God. Got home around 8:30 and went to bed around 10 PM. Was so happy I didn't have to go buy another phone.

Woke up to thunderstorms here in Milwaukee this morning. Got myself to my Monday morning therapist appointment. Was a cloudy rainy day today so of course my mind told me it was a day for napping. Took a 2 hour nap with the four dogs. Got up, had my coffee and made a quick dinner for Tony and I. Not much on TV so we are watching the DVR of the show Glee which was on a couple weeks ago. Not really getting into it. Tomorrow I meet with someone who will help me start the social security appeal. Bullshit that I have to go through this. I couldn't work full time if I tried.

June 7, 2009 Sunday Morning

Waiting for the rain to stop here in Milwaukee. Saturday was a total waste of a day. Got up and never left the house all day. Was rainy and in the 50s all day. It was 81 degrees the day before. I did make us breakfast (french toast), lunch (sandwiches and soup) and supper (hamburgers and stew and fruit) so it is not like I did nothing all day. I hate the clean up. Never minded the cooking part. Watched a lot of TV all day. Watched Paul Blart Mall Cop on DVD. Was pretty much what I expected. Tony was snoring on the couch by 9 pm and I got him up and we both went to bed around 10:15. So, not a very exciting day. Too cold and damp to go outside.

Today it has not started out much better. I did make breakfast and we are now all showered and waiting for the rain to stop and clear up here in Milwaukee and also in Racine so we can drive there for a huge car show. Got my IPod and music all ready for the fun. LOL. I have no interest in cars but feel it is my duty as a good husband to not only do things I like to do, but do things Tony likes to do. Plus we spend weekends together. Actually looks like the sun is trying to come out. Don't think Tony will want to take the 1965 Cadillac to the show since it is still so wet outside. It is about a 45 minute drive to Racine. So between the drive there and back and the show it will take up the afternoon.

June 5, 2009 Friday Night

Got up around 7 AM and after getting the dogs fed and stuff I went to St Mary's Hospital for my scheduled blood test. This is a complete test of everything again. I get the results a week from Monday. My goal is to have a viral load that is undetectable and a TCell count somewhere above 300. I am pretty sure the viral load will be undetectable, but have no clue on how well my TCell count has risen. Remember my viral load has been test three times and has been 334,000, 1000, and 100. So I am more confident it will be undetectable this time around. My TCell count has only been tested twice and that went from 106 to 229, so I have no clue how this will raise and at what pace. The viral load decrease was a shock and happy outcome telling the doctor he must have picked the right cocktail, Atripla. I hear it takes TCell a lot longer to increase which is why they are not counted with every blood test. Picked up a McDonald's Bacon Egg and Cheese Bagel (don't even say it Michelle), and an Egg McMuffin for Tony on the way back from the blood test. I couldn't even have coffee prior to the blood test. Finished the morning chores and went grocery shopping for some fresh fruit and milk. Tony was home by 11:30 to pick me up for our Friday lunch with the guys. Had a grilled chicken sandwich with barbecue sauce (better choice Michelle?) and a strawberry shake (I'm going to hell...) and when I got home I laid on the bed for what I thought would be a little bit. Ended up sleeping two hours and it was now 3:30. Had a cup of coffee and waited for my mind to start up again. Tony and I then went out to eat with a couple across the alley at a sit outside and eat restaurant since it was so nice today. Almost hit 80 degrees. A cold front is suppose to go through any time now, in fact the window open next to me just sent in a cold breeze. Temperature is suppose to drop 20 degrees in 2 hours and be a cold, damp rainy weekend. Oh well, just so it is nice nice weekend for Milwaukee's Pridefest.
Went out to dinner at a local restaurant and had a deep fried fish fry for dinner with waffle fries (I feel like Michelle is on my shoulder shaking her head, although I know Jack would have enjoyed the waffle fries). Went across the alley and had a drink with the neighbors for an hour prior to coming home and typing this blog. No plans this weekend. There is a car show in Racine on Sunday, but the weather does not sound good. I have a ton of beautiful men pictures to add to that web page, maybe I will get around to it this weekend.

June 4, 2009 Thursday Night

Got up at 7 AM this morning and after the morning routine I drove to Home Depot to buy two gallons of exterior paint. One white, one the color of our new siding on the recent addition. Repainted the north side wall of the garage the color or the new siding, the color Tony wanted. It took three coats which right there told me the rest of the garage is staying the green color it is now. Too much work right now. I did also paint the white trim on the back and side of the garage as well as a small portion of the house. I am picking off small areas of the house and hopefully by the end of the summer I will have the first floor trim painted. Was having a pretty good day today till I got the US mail today and a letter from Social Security saying I was NOT approved. So now the appeal process begins. ARCW is helping me with it and I already scheduled an appointment with someone there to file the right paperwork. I honestly can not believe I was not approved. It was a big set back today and took my afternoon in a downward spiral. It just makes me feel more worthless and how I am not contributing to the marriage. Plus I always prided myself on knowing that I could always support myself if I had to. Now I am a little scared. I honestly could not hold a full time job. I don't have enough consistent days in a row to work a full day five days a week. I might have one or two good days before I then have not so good a day and am very tired and such. Not sure what my next steps will be after the appeal process. Thank god I have Tony. Took Barkley back to the vet this afternoon. Guess he has a staff skin infection. Is now on an antibiotic and special food for a month to see if it is a food alergy thing. Made salad and frozen pizza for dinner tonight. Watching some stupid stupid movie on Logo right now. Sometimes you wish you never start movies such as this one. I am sure we will be in bed around 10 PM since I am very tired and Tony looks like he could fall asleep on the couch soon.

June 3, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Since being 'scolded' by Michelle about yesterday's blog I thought I would start todays. Thank you Michelle, I do need to be scolded and given a kick in the ass when I hit the low points. I must admit I am not all doom and gloom all day, I just think it is important to let you all know what lows and highs I have in life. I must add though. There is a difference with HIV than most diseases. With most diseases when you tell someone what you have they do not immediately think 'you got it by your actions', which is the case with HIV. Yes, we all make mistakes. Yes, I am more fortunate than most. Yes, I have a full life and friends I could have only dreamed of. But, I did and do feel I did this to myself. I also still feel ashamed when talking about the fact I have AIDS. My therapist and I are working on this. We talked about this at my meeting today at ARCW. The topic was 'Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Loss and Happiness'. Actually the root of all my anxiety stems from the fact that I am deathly afraid to die. I know that might sound funny. As Michelle mentioned, most people do not know what their fate will be. I now have a better clue as to what mine will be. Since I was so afraid of death before, I am now even more afraid because I have seen what this disease can do to someone.

With all that said, I had a pretty good day today. Got up by 7 AM, did the morning chores and got Barkley to the vet by 10:30 AM. Had his nails trimmed, anal glands cleaned and Heartworm test done. Have to take him back tomorrow to see a doctor because the vet tech thinks an anal gland is infected and might need an antibiotic. I think the animal clinic just wants more of my money. Jeez. Dogs are expensive. After the vet appointment I took Barkley to a pet store to buy him a collar so he can not reach and chew on his back end. He is always licking his skin everywhere due to allergies and therefore gets sores all over his body. So between the weekly baths, Benadryle twice a day, tomorrows antibiotic and this new collar I hope he will be better. He is actually adjusting well to wearing it. I will have to take a picture. It is an inflatable ring around his neck so he can not get to his back side to lick. Much more comfortable than putting a cone on him which was an option also. He can lay down and do everything wearing it. He has not tryed to remove it since I have put it on him today. Haven't seen him try to lick either so I'm not sure if it is enough being a long dog, a beagle. Got to my 1:00 meeting at ARCW. Like I mentioned above the topic was Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Loss and Happiness. Was interesting. The group facilitator makes it all worth while. Used up the rest of the green paint on the north side of the garage. Have to go get more tomorrow. I actually like it. It is strong and does stand out, but hey, that's me. Tony will not be happy to see I painted the north side, much less only did half since I ran out of paint. Have to have a beer waiting for him when he walks in the door. And that should be soon. Stella went to work with Tony again today. She is so hungry when she comes home from her hard day at work. She eats her food and then goes around the perimeter of the house and then her yard looking for any changes or new smells. It is so cute. If I move something she notices right away.

Does anyone else just hate the new Verizon Telephone commercial where they show the couple in the ice cream shop and the telephone guy says the 10 sprinkles on the sundae are like your friends and family, then the father grabs the huge jar of sprinkles and pour it on the sundae. Why do they show crap like this? I just hate the ignorance this commercial shows. It makes people do stupid things like that because they think it is 'cute'. It is as bad as having young kids on the sitcoms acting like they are much older than they are or should be. I had to vent since I just saw the commercial again. I wish the commercial would continue and the ice cream store guy would charge the dumb f*ck for the jar of jimmies.

Cool day here in Milwaukee today, only was in the 50s but at least the sun was out all day. Tonight we will probably go out for cheap burgers and I think I will skip my meeting again tonight since I would rather just stay home and relax. I feel bad skipping the meetings but I have to do what I want first, right? I didn't go last week so I do feel bad and might change my mind at the last moment.

Didn't change my mind and am back for burgers at the BBC bar. Barkley still has his inflatable cone on him. Doesn't seem to bother him at all. Tony is not happy with the garage. Since I have to get another gallon anyway I might go more with a Hunter Green type to make him happy. I simply refuse to paint it the light green like the slate on the house. I hate that color and the garage does not have to look exactly like the house right? I will have to see what I feel like when I buy the paint tomorrow. And if I buy the darker green I will then have to paint the entire garage again vs just finishing the last wall. Decisions decisions. Going to the couch to veg out for the night and watch TV.

June 2, 2009 Tuesday Afternoon

Got up at 7 AM and did the regular morning chores and routine. Having a hard time getting it together today. From the time I woke up this morning my mind just can not seem to get started. Feel like I am in a fog and very tired. Might be the cool Milwaukee weather and the clouds today. When I saw my baby rabbit out front eat the last carrot I had placed out for him/her and the last of the carrots I had, I ran to the grocery store to buy the rabbit more carrots. Stopped off at a cost cutters to get a quick hair trim so I look good for Milwaukee Pridefest coming up in a week and a half. Got home, made soup for lunch and was back in bed by 12:30 PM. Woke up around 3 PM and even after a cup of coffee I still am having a hard time typing this blog. Watching Judge Judy. Tony should be home in about an hour. Tonight I know he wants to go to the Milwaukee Harley Davidson Museum for their Tuesday night car show. Will get a burger or brat at the show for dinner. Hopefully an early night and back in bed early tonight.

Spend another part of today beating myself up. Talked with my therapist yesterday about the fact that I at least three times a day look in the mirror and say what a frickin fool I was to screw my life up so badly and be in the position I am in now. "How did you fuck it all up". "You fucked it all up". Don't know how to forgive myself or move past the guilt. I had it all, I had a good life, wonderful husband, and it wasn't enough. I never thought 'this' would happen to me. I would give everything I own to not have HIV. EVERYTHING! I still cry at least 3 times a day when I think how stupid I was and how I fucked up my life so badly. Worst part is, I can not change it. I can not ever be HIV negative ever again. I will never be able to stop taking these frickin meds that keep me so dizzy and tired all day. It really makes one depressed, and cry. I need to learn how to forgive myself. But then again, should I? Do I deserve to be forgiven? Wow, I never ever thought I would be HIV+. NEVER. I thought for so long I was 'one of the lucky ones'. Damn it, I am not lucky anymore. Having a hard time even visioning what my life will be like in the near future much less the distant future. What a mind fuck this disease is. And it was all my fault. I fucked up the one time around in this life. Sometimes I just hate myself for being so stupid.

June 1, 2009 Monday Night

Got up this morning around 7:15 AM. I still can not believe how the Atripla within being out of bed for about 15 minutes makes you run to the toilet when the feeling hits you. I can get out of bed, get dressed, feed the dogs, fill my coffee and grab part of the newspaper and it is time to go. Anybody else notice this since being on Atripla? Got through the morning getting done most of the daily chores like picking up the dog droppings outside, feeding the pond fish, vacuuming the house before going to my Monday therapist appointment. After the appointment I went up to talk to someone on the Client Advisory Board to find out a little more about it and if it is going to be something I will want to continue. Will give it another meeting. Next meeting is not for a couple weeks. Got home and made myself some tomato soup in a bread bowl. I spent most of the afternoon just cleaning up the back yard and doing some outside tasks. I did call on the status of my social security. Was told a determination has yet to be made. Guess that is better than a denial. Was told to call back in two weeks if I have not heard from them. The temperature in Milwaukee dropped about 30 degrees in a matter of an hour this afternoon. Was a beautiful day until about 3 PM. Made us some dinner tonight and now just watching reruns on CBS for the night. Looking forward to going to bed early tonight. Had a lot of vivid dreams again last night. In fact the last couple days I have had very vivid dreams. More than one a night which is different. I usually have one main vivid dream. I have to get a pen and paper next to the bed so I can write down anything I remember about my dreams before I forget them. Have no appointments or plans tomorrow. If it is nice out I might continue on the house trim painting.