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Got up at 7 AM and did the regular morning chores and routine. Having a hard time getting it together today. From the time I woke up this morning my mind just can not seem to get started. Feel like I am in a fog and very tired. Might be the cool Milwaukee weather and the clouds today. When I saw my baby rabbit out front eat the last carrot I had placed out for him/her and the last of the carrots I had, I ran to the grocery store to buy the rabbit more carrots. Stopped off at a cost cutters to get a quick hair trim so I look good for Milwaukee Pridefest coming up in a week and a half. Got home, made soup for lunch and was back in bed by 12:30 PM. Woke up around 3 PM and even after a cup of coffee I still am having a hard time typing this blog. Watching Judge Judy. Tony should be home in about an hour. Tonight I know he wants to go to the Milwaukee Harley Davidson Museum for their Tuesday night car show. Will get a burger or brat at the show for dinner. Hopefully an early night and back in bed early tonight.
Spend another part of today beating myself up. Talked with my therapist yesterday about the fact that I at least three times a day look in the mirror and say what a frickin fool I was to screw my life up so badly and be in the position I am in now. "How did you fuck it all up". "You fucked it all up". Don't know how to forgive myself or move past the guilt. I had it all, I had a good life, wonderful husband, and it wasn't enough. I never thought 'this' would happen to me. I would give everything I own to not have HIV. EVERYTHING! I still cry at least 3 times a day when I think how stupid I was and how I fucked up my life so badly. Worst part is, I can not change it. I can not ever be HIV negative ever again. I will never be able to stop taking these frickin meds that keep me so dizzy and tired all day. It really makes one depressed, and cry. I need to learn how to forgive myself. But then again, should I? Do I deserve to be forgiven? Wow, I never ever thought I would be HIV+. NEVER. I thought for so long I was 'one of the lucky ones'. Damn it, I am not lucky anymore. Having a hard time even visioning what my life will be like in the near future much less the distant future. What a mind fuck this disease is. And it was all my fault. I fucked up the one time around in this life. Sometimes I just hate myself for being so stupid.
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Okay, now you have my faux Irish up (whatever that means...LOL!).
ReplyDeleteListen up boy and listen good. Yes, living with a disease is horrible, depressing, disgusting, sad and mentally dibilitating, no one can disagree with that. BUT, it is not just HIV, it is cancer, MS, MD and a host of other life altering diseases. You can blame yourself, you can blame someone else, you can blame the world, but in the end, what good does that do you? Negativity feeds diseases, positivity starves it. Which do you prefer? Take your choice but know that you will have to live either on the 'dark side' or the 'light side'. Living with or without a disease, life is too short. No one knows when their 'time is up' and we can select live for the day or die for the day. It is up to each of us to decide. Now that said, go ahead, have a couple 'dark' moments but dang it Dave, nothing in life is a 'given' except from the moment we are born we are living to die. Think about it, each and every person who is born is going to die. We are not really given the option of how we are going to die (except for suicide of course) and we do not know the moment it will happen, we are spared that, thankfully.
Please do not give in to thinking the negative thoughts you have been or the blaming. It really isn't helping at all. I'm not saying to be all sunshine and smiles 24/7, no one can be that, but please, look around you. You have a beautiful home, food on the table, massive amounts of animals that love you, friends that love you, strangers that care about you, AND you have TONY! There are many out there that have nothing and no one and they go about their days fine anyway. You are blessed Dave, honestly. We cannot pick and choose some things in life, unfair yes, but that's how life is. It is what we do with what we have that counts the most. There is always someone worse off than you, me or whoever. It is important to remember that otherwise you let your disease get you and dang it, you better not!!
All that being said, love you, support you and wish you would stop eating some of the junk you eat (Taco Bell and that stuff) and perhaps your stomach would feel a bit better ;)
Let me know when you feel the need for my next *scolding*. LOL!!