June 3, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Since being 'scolded' by Michelle about yesterday's blog I thought I would start todays. Thank you Michelle, I do need to be scolded and given a kick in the ass when I hit the low points. I must admit I am not all doom and gloom all day, I just think it is important to let you all know what lows and highs I have in life. I must add though. There is a difference with HIV than most diseases. With most diseases when you tell someone what you have they do not immediately think 'you got it by your actions', which is the case with HIV. Yes, we all make mistakes. Yes, I am more fortunate than most. Yes, I have a full life and friends I could have only dreamed of. But, I did and do feel I did this to myself. I also still feel ashamed when talking about the fact I have AIDS. My therapist and I are working on this. We talked about this at my meeting today at ARCW. The topic was 'Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Loss and Happiness'. Actually the root of all my anxiety stems from the fact that I am deathly afraid to die. I know that might sound funny. As Michelle mentioned, most people do not know what their fate will be. I now have a better clue as to what mine will be. Since I was so afraid of death before, I am now even more afraid because I have seen what this disease can do to someone.

With all that said, I had a pretty good day today. Got up by 7 AM, did the morning chores and got Barkley to the vet by 10:30 AM. Had his nails trimmed, anal glands cleaned and Heartworm test done. Have to take him back tomorrow to see a doctor because the vet tech thinks an anal gland is infected and might need an antibiotic. I think the animal clinic just wants more of my money. Jeez. Dogs are expensive. After the vet appointment I took Barkley to a pet store to buy him a collar so he can not reach and chew on his back end. He is always licking his skin everywhere due to allergies and therefore gets sores all over his body. So between the weekly baths, Benadryle twice a day, tomorrows antibiotic and this new collar I hope he will be better. He is actually adjusting well to wearing it. I will have to take a picture. It is an inflatable ring around his neck so he can not get to his back side to lick. Much more comfortable than putting a cone on him which was an option also. He can lay down and do everything wearing it. He has not tryed to remove it since I have put it on him today. Haven't seen him try to lick either so I'm not sure if it is enough being a long dog, a beagle. Got to my 1:00 meeting at ARCW. Like I mentioned above the topic was Anxiety, Depression, Grief, Loss and Happiness. Was interesting. The group facilitator makes it all worth while. Used up the rest of the green paint on the north side of the garage. Have to go get more tomorrow. I actually like it. It is strong and does stand out, but hey, that's me. Tony will not be happy to see I painted the north side, much less only did half since I ran out of paint. Have to have a beer waiting for him when he walks in the door. And that should be soon. Stella went to work with Tony again today. She is so hungry when she comes home from her hard day at work. She eats her food and then goes around the perimeter of the house and then her yard looking for any changes or new smells. It is so cute. If I move something she notices right away.

Does anyone else just hate the new Verizon Telephone commercial where they show the couple in the ice cream shop and the telephone guy says the 10 sprinkles on the sundae are like your friends and family, then the father grabs the huge jar of sprinkles and pour it on the sundae. Why do they show crap like this? I just hate the ignorance this commercial shows. It makes people do stupid things like that because they think it is 'cute'. It is as bad as having young kids on the sitcoms acting like they are much older than they are or should be. I had to vent since I just saw the commercial again. I wish the commercial would continue and the ice cream store guy would charge the dumb f*ck for the jar of jimmies.

Cool day here in Milwaukee today, only was in the 50s but at least the sun was out all day. Tonight we will probably go out for cheap burgers and I think I will skip my meeting again tonight since I would rather just stay home and relax. I feel bad skipping the meetings but I have to do what I want first, right? I didn't go last week so I do feel bad and might change my mind at the last moment.

Didn't change my mind and am back for burgers at the BBC bar. Barkley still has his inflatable cone on him. Doesn't seem to bother him at all. Tony is not happy with the garage. Since I have to get another gallon anyway I might go more with a Hunter Green type to make him happy. I simply refuse to paint it the light green like the slate on the house. I hate that color and the garage does not have to look exactly like the house right? I will have to see what I feel like when I buy the paint tomorrow. And if I buy the darker green I will then have to paint the entire garage again vs just finishing the last wall. Decisions decisions. Going to the couch to veg out for the night and watch TV.