June 26, 2009 Friday Morning Reflection: Life and Death

Got up this morning about 7 AM when I heard Good Morning America on in the back ground since Tony was up and already watching the morning news and reading the newspaper. First thought threw my head was 'Michael Jackson is dead'. WOW. I then walked out and looked at Tony and said "Michael Jackson is dead, wow". Tony said, "dead". WOW. I was heart broken enough yesterday about Farrah Fawcett's dead and now Michael Jackson. I just wish everyone could live forever which is just a crazy thought. Death is so sad.

I am playing the double cd HIStory by Michael Jackson as I type this. Such a talented man. It makes one reflect how important life really is and not to take anything for granted. I was laying back in the recliner thinking how horrible it would be to get the news of Tony having a heart attack. I have run through the scenario in my mind, trust me. I don't think that is strange considering he had quadruple bypass heart surgery three years ago. His heart was out of his body on a bypass machine for over 6 hours. So I do have to worry. He does go in to the doctor again in two weeks for a check up. I have been telling him here and there that if he doesn't tell the doctor EVERYTHING I will go with him to the appointment. I would go anyway but he would rather go alone, just Tony's personality. I like him with me to important appointments. Tony continuously tells me he feels fine and since he was able to diagnose himself weeks prior to him almost biting the dust I have to trust he is in tune to his body. He just / must tell his doctor even the slightest concern. I was laying back thinking how happy I am that I look at Tony most morning as he walks out the door and say "Give me a kiss". We either kiss or playfully turn our heads and touch cheeks. Its corny but I think it is the gesture that matters most. I hope I remember things like that if the sad time should ever come when he dies prior to me. It also makes me reflect how close I was to being in serious trouble with my health just this past January. Then also how I was even considering bringing my life to an end there in February and March. How would Tony have managed with the business, the dogs, the house and life if I had been so selfish. Plus you got people like Farrah that did all they could to stay alive. Death is so final and so sad. I sit here in tears thinking how I spent the last day with my grandma about a year and a half ago as she lied on her bed dieing. Taking four dogs to the vet knowing what was about to happen has not been easy either. It was one year ago last weekend that I put my Buddy 'down'. I still miss him daily. He was my Buddy. I think they are comparable in scope due to the fact you have to make the decision when it is a pet. You are saying 'your life is now over'. I sure hope there is a heaven and my dogs are there. I have very little hope, but one has to hang on to some kind of comforting thought. It's either that or believe it is like a light switch and everything just goes black. Like being put under for surgery. That is more how I look at it now. Maybe that is why I am so afraid to die. It is so final. Plus I have to do it alone. I hate alone. I also reflect on how even with four dogs sometimes down the middle of the bed and around us we manage to make sure our feet or something is touching the other person as we fall asleep. Tony's playful way of pushing me away when I say it is time for a hug comes to mind. Or when I dance naked in front of him or do something stupid and then look at him and say 'who else would do that with you', as he shakes his head and laughs saying 'yah, who else' in his sly tone. I'm smiling just thinking of these things. I tell Tony often how much 'I Love' him. I often have to prompt a response. LOL, but know he loves me too. I reflect on how every time I wanted to remodel this or install that he would resist only to see when it was all finished how it was a good idea and how proud he is of it being accomplished. I also see a man who began working on cars in his parents back yard, bar tended and eventually opened up his own successful auto body business while he was looking for the right man to settle down with. I was lucky enough to be that man. I am glad I put my foot down here and there when he wants to work late or gets mad when cars are not finished on time. I told him after his heart scare that if he starts as early in the day as he does by 5 PM no car is worth it. He must come home, he has worked hard enough. He saw the light on this one. I remember when he used to work till 9 or 10 PM at the auto body shop busting his balls. Life is to short. We don't need another flat screen TV or vacation as long as we have each other.

I am rambling. Glad I went grocery shopping yesterday. Just have to shower and wait for Tony to pick me up for our lunch with the guys. Puppy sitting for a friends dog tonight for just one night. I am sure we will stay in tonight and just be together with our dogs. That means I either have to cook or order delivery, hmmm. Loaded up the Winamp on the computer with enough Jackson music to play out all morning. I am sure the tenants upstairs are so pleased. LOL