February 13, 2009 Friday

Had a pretty mellow day today. Spent the morning doing laundry and the usual daily things that need to get done around here and then went grocery shopping. Like I said last week, it is scary now how I make better choices of what to buy and eat. I don't think I bought one junk food item.
Tony and I had lunch with the guys on Brady Street which was once again very enjoyable. At least it puts my panic attacks to the side for a while. There was a time half way through grocery shopping that I thought I needed to just leave the cart and get out of there and get home. I never knew what a panic attack was till recently. They are not fun. I just kept taking deep breaths and said over and over to myself 'You Can Do It'. I sure hope it was to myself and not outloud or I am sure they now think I am a nut job at the local market. I've gotten to the point where I know I have to take an anxiety pill around 8am since the panic sets in around 9am. I then can go most of the day ok till about 4 or 5 pm. So the minute I start to feel the panic I take another anxiety pill. Its hard to explain. You can try and try to put that little voice out of your head and then it gets louder and louder and the panic comes. Denial just isn't an option. Would be easier to do, but not a healthier option. Oh well, the pill I took an hour ago is kickin in. I keep asking everyone if I should be concerned about this and everyone tells me to take them as needed and stop worrying unless your taking more than prescribed. I am not. I can take up to 3 a day. The third I sometimes take at bedtime if the cold chills and fear start to set in. Tony should be home soon. Hopefully we will go out for a fish fry at a local place. I have no patience at this point so standing in a line is not an option, so it will have to be a well known place, in and out, and back home where I at least can turn the heat up, stop the shaking, and feel more comfortable not crawling out of my skin with thoughts.
There is a local car show this weekend. Tony has 2 free tickets. I might just send him on his own since I get overwelmed so fast and crowds just make me uneasy. As I walked down the ailses of the store today you can't help look at people and say to yourself 'do you think they know I have AIDS?'. I hope this line of thinking ends soon. Monday I go in for blood tests to find out my viral load and T Cell counts from being on the AIDS cocktail for a month. I do not get the results back for a week and a half from Monday, but God am I needing some good news at this point.
I started having some minor pain in my bladder area yesterday, it has not gotten any better, but then again not any worse. Just want to make a note here just in case I need to refrence it later. I would say the pain is a 2 out of 10. I will keep an eye on this. Feels almost the same as when I had prostrate problems a year ago. I might have to go back on the Flomax but can not until I would find out if it can interact with the cocktail I take. Isn't life great?
Have a great weekend everyone. Love you all and really appreciate you even having an interest in my life and thoughts. Thanks. Love ya all.