February 4, 2009 Wednesday

Morning was pretty much the same today. Had my interview at 10:30 this morning. The talking part with the three I interviewed with was great but then there was a 1/2 hour long test on excel and word perfect. The test part was all things I have done at my past job, but the applications and how to do the task had always been set up for me, so I was at a loss how to do any of the parts of the test. Felt stupid, came home and had a major breakdown. Not feeling to hopeful for the future and hate this feeling of feeling my life has hit rock bottom and I can't get out. Tony came home to give me a hug, but I have to let him work. After all he can't be there for me here at home and be at the shop making money to pay the bills. Just feel like where the hell is my life going to go from here? I can't concentrate on any new task, everything feels like a burden, and I am so tired all the time. How the hell can I even think of taking on a job at this time. Yet, thats just not fair to Tony, even though he has not complained and continues to tell me in time I will be better mentally and physically. It's nice to hear, but they are just words when you are the one dealing with everything I've had to deal with. At one point after I got home from the interview the little voice in my head reminded me 'I have AIDS'. It sent me to the ground crying. Not telling this to get sympathy, just what is happening and how I am trying to get through this. I do realize it has been less than a month that I have had to digest all the information I've gotten since those test results on January 7th. I told Tony when he was home that if it weren't for the dogs and the guilt I know survivors go threw, I would end it all today. Don't think I'm off getting the gun. Like I said, I have the dogs to take care of and I would not want to put the guilt on anyone if I made that stupid decision. Plus I would just do it in the garage with the car exhaust, not as messy as the gun. No cars in the garage right now. Seriously, I will get through this day. I have my support group meeting with HIV people tonight. Thank God. I feel like a time warp just took me back to week one of finding out I was HIV and at the AIDS stage. I keep saying 'this can not be happening to me'. But it is.
I am so scared inside. I am back to feeling so cold. And have that empty feeling that hurts like hell in your chest, only someone who has heard news close to mine would understand.
I feel like I just want to crawl in bed, roll up in a ball, and cry.