February 16, 2009 Monday Morning Blood Test

Woke up with the usual bowel problems that still persist as I write this post. Was very edgy all morning knowing I was going in for blood work this morning to test my viral load and TCell count. This will be my first viral load test to see how far the HIV has progressed. I get the results a week from this Wednesday. Another week and a half of waiting.
Had to really push myself out the door to drive to the hospital which thank God is only about 2 miles away. Three turns on roads. My head is a mess. I cryed the entire way to the hospital.
I was told the lab office was on the first floor and entered the parking ramp. No spaces on the first floor but to my luck a space right in front of the second floor door was empty. I took it. I can walk that far I had to tell myself. Took the elevator to the first floor and signed in. It seemed forever signing in even though I only had to sign 3 forms. The receptionist was good enough to continuely turn over the paperwork so no one else could see I was taking an HIV test. I did appreciate that. My palms were sweating so much and I thought I was going to pass out at one point. Was told to go into a room, which turned out I went into the wrong one, left, right, I guess theres a difference. Got into the right room and the large black nurse came in to take my blood. By this time I am sure she could see the fear, anxiety, and tears streaming down my face. She was very nice and spoke with me for a while telling me that I have the best doctor and that today an HIV diagnosis is better than a cancer one when it comes to treatments.
She was very patient with me and made the experience tollerable. Was out of the office and back to the car in no time. The drive home I cryed a bit more. Still crying right now and not sure why. I guess depression is setting in. Great, another pill I can take.
I have no other appointments or things today, Tony will take Stella to the vet today at 2:30 because I could not handle that right now. Just for shots and stuff, but I am having a hard enough time just trying to get myself through my day at this point. Left another message for my Case Manager to call me about financial avenues, hope she calls back. Starting to piss me off, the longer I wait to get paperwork in the longer it will take to process and hopefully start getting some benefits needed.
I am just amazed at what has happened to me in over a month. I use to be this outgoing person that was afraid of nothing. Now I am afraid of everything and just want to be at home safe.