February 19, 2009 Thursday Morning's Panic Attack

So, it's going on 9 am and I just took an anxiety pill because I am in the middle of I guess what is called a panic attack. So I am hoping that writing this will take my mind off the crap I keep thinking about till the pill kicks in. So bear with me. We will get through this one together. I was fine this morning till Tony walked out the door to go to work around 8 am. Stella seems to be handling / keeping down her meds now and hopefully we will find out more on her next week with her next round of blood tests. So I start getting stuff cleaned up around the house and doing the dishes and morning chores and then out of nowhere this feeling like someone stabbing me in the chest hits fast. I know it is because where my mind is and what I am thinking about that does this. As with each day it begins with this little voice saying "you have AIDS" and then goes to "your going to die" and then the fear and the panic set in. I also start to think "what would I do if something happened to Tony" ? "How would I survive"?, "Who would take care of me"?. It goes down hill from there and that is where I sit right now as I write. I tryed deep breathing from my nose slowly and that helps, but the empty feeling in your chest sometimes feels like someone is ripping it apart. I hope this makes sense to someone. I know the answers to all the fears in my head. Stella will either get better or not, at that point a decision will have to be made, but that is not today so stop worrying. I know I have AIDS but many people I meet have been HIV+ for over 20 years on meds. Even heard more horror stories about ATZ last night. Guess that was the worst thing they could have done, but who knew. I know that I can not control if Tony drops dead of a heart attack so why do I worry? I just dont want to be alone. Maybe there is something to those guys that have more than one wife, like a back up. Hmm. Like I said before many times, I do not know how someone gets through these thoughts or this kind of situation like I find myself in and not have a partner or someone, anyone to help them. Jeez. I hate this line of thinking my mind dives to. The "what if's".
On a positive note, I hate that word now by the way, I heard of a Church here in town that has a support group the second Thursday of each month for people afflicted by HIV. Non denominational, and the guy is really cool. The person who told me of this / him said he is very similar to Lew Broyles who did Tony and my Holy Union and I was hoping to use someday if I need spiritual advice. Well, he like I have said, died a few years ago of a heart attach. Anyway Tony has agreed to go tonight with me and meet this new group. I was also told of another real cool church group here in town and the pastor guy is gay and has a lover. I was told he is young , cool, and good lookin to boot. So I think Tony and I might go to that church this Sunday. It is for LGBT people. Like I said before. I have a hard time believing in God and have for some time. I don't want God pushed down my throat. I simply want to come to peace with dieing when that day comes. I want to know that it will be ok in some way. I am not sure if I will ever find the peace I am truelly looking for but I have to search. Doing nothing doesn't seem to be the way to go. So, I do not think it is a bad angle to pursue at this time. OK, we are a half hour into the panic attack with the anxiety pill. Not totally gone yet. It usually takes about an hour after taking the anxiety pill that I feel some relief. I am down to only 2 pills a day and can take up to 3 a day. So I am getting better. Just so damn scared all the time about everything.
It is very cold here in Milwaukee today, wind chill is below zero. Sunny, looks like it would be nice out but the thermometer I have outside shows it is not above 10 degrees even. Thankfully I do not have to leave the house for anything today till tonight when Tony and I go to the church group. The cold outside doesn't help in any way with the cold I feel with my body when I have these attacks. It's a really cold cold feeling.
Forty minutes in and I am starting to feel a little more relaxed, a little spacey, and tired. Plus my typing is harder to do since I have to concentrate much more to find the correct keys.
OK, an hour has passed I folded a load of laundry and I am ready to continue with the daily chores. Thanks for going through this with me till the anxiety pill kicked in.