February 7, 2009 Saturday Afternoon

Did more reading Friday night of the book The Last Goodnights by John West and got to page 200 of 250. Woke up at 5am today and just wanted to finish the book, so made coffee, whispered in Tony's ear to sleep in, it's Saturday, and off to the couch I went to finish the book. I did finish it. More kleenex of course. I can't recommend this book enough.

This afternoon while Tony and a friend are working on the plumbing on the second bathroom trying to get the whirlpool tub connected I took a short nap while listening to soothing music. Now I am up, it looks so nice outside, suppose to get maybe up to 50 today, I feel I should get outside and enjoy it. Would take a dog or two for a walk but with the snow all melting the sidewalks and such are so wet and sloppy that they would need a bath after their walk. So sorry dogs, no walk.

Emailed my brother last night, out of guilt for not being there for him more during his cancer scare he had a couple years ago. Tryed to be as vague as possible without giving out to many detail about my condition. He can not keep a secret. Thought I worded everything pretty good telling him how much I have learned to admire him for how he got through it without family support. I felt the need to tell him this. And the need to tell him I will be there for him in the future if he ever needs me. Of course this opened up all kinds of questions I am not ready to answer and we will have to see where this goes. He can not find out. I must keep this secret from him or the entire family will know. Not ready for that yet. When I am ready I will tell who I want and when. I left it as a 'health scare' with him, but I know he has more questions. I will have to be strong and let him know I am alive and well but not give many more details than that. Maybe I shouldn't have even opened the subject with him, but what is done is done, we will let the chips fall where they fall. I can't worry about things I can not control. Wow, did I say that.

I did pick up another book yesterday at ARCW library called Grief and Aids. From looking at the cover and back and table of contents it looked like a book I might learn something from. Well, I started reading it, will read it to the end evenually, but it is obviously at least 5 or more years old and so much has changed in the world of HIV since that time much less 20 years ago when I watch many many of my friends die of it. It was horrible, a horrible slow death. I will not ever let myself or a loved one get to a point like that. Maybe thats why I had to read the book The Last Goodnights. I will skim it for the information on stages of grief and stuff but keep in the back of my mind when it says things like 'people with AIDS live about 5 years after diagnosis' that it is outdated when it comes to medical advances. Still isn't easy to read.

I think its time for another anxiety pill. I can usually make it till about 9 or 10 am without a breakdown and a need of a pill. Took one this morning. Now its time for the afternoon pill. Then I take the third, per prescribed at night or bedtime to shut my mind off. I don't want to get hooked on the anxiety pills, not sure you can, but sure you probably could. But right now I really need them to make it through some tough times during the day.

I talked a little more last night with Tony about how my mind has been going lately. I explained to him that it is really frustrating to have to really really concentrate to do the most mundane tasks or push myself to leave the house. At this point I told him I can handle one appointment or something a day, otherwise I just get overwelmed and break down. Not good when your in public. People tend to look at you funny. LOL

Better check on the guys and make sure they are still working on the tub and not just standing there with a beer in hand admiring what they have accomplished. Why are men like that? I swear when Tony does a project he takes almost as much time admiring what he did as the time it took to do the project itself. I'm exagerating of course, but I think you get what I am saying.

Talk to you later. I must get out and do something outside. It won't stay 50 in February being Wisconsin for long.