January 21, 2010 Thursday Dinner Time

Monday I pushed myself to go into work. I still did not feel great but since I took off all last week due to being sick, I could not take another Monday off. Worked until about 3 PM and came home to a mess with Stella. Too much water, too much time not being let out, the prednisone. Cleaned up the messes and laid down for a while, or at least tried. Finally gave up and fed the dogs and got dinner ready. We were in bed, lights out, by 9 PM. Tony's balls were still a little sore from his surgery on Friday.

Tuesday I didn't go into work until 10 AM, had Tony come home at noon, and was home by 2:30. No messes. Did a little around the house and then went to lay down because I was still not feeling great and tired. Took an hour and a half nap. Fed the dogs and made dinner. Was too tired to go out for Tuesday taco's. Once again it was an early night.

Wednesday I actually felt a little better. Worked on the spare bedroom painting the wood trim on one side. Cleaned up the side yard which really needed, four dogs remember. After Tony got home we went to Hobo, a discount hardware type store, to hopefully by the wood for the new floor in the spare bedroom I am remodeling. Also needed to buy tile for the finished bathroom that needed the floor completed still. Ended up buying some panels you would put in a garage and tiled the floor in front of the shower and toilet today. It turned out great. Not the usual floor, but coming out of a shower it is great. Also was much easier than tiling and the clean up and work involved in that. Didn't buy the wood for the wood floor in the spare room due to the cost. Too much money right now, will have to wait. Got home quick for Stella and we went to bed around 10 PM. We did end up eating at Taco Bell prior to Hobo.

Today I finished working on the bathroom floor, of course I need two more sheets so it is not totally completed. Damn. Why is it so hard to just finish a project? Took Stella to the vet for another blood test to check her platelet levels. Hopefully she is getting better with all this Prednisone she has to take and all the peeing and drinking of water she is doing. Got home with Stella and laid back for an hour listening to radio before I was out the door again to go to my monthly board members meeting for ARCW. Two hour meeting. Picked up my monthly food at the pantry in the basement and drove a board member home with me that lives down the road. Put all the groceries away and since being home Stella has been outside 3 times to pee, jeez. Making a quick dinner and hoping to just watch TV all night doing nothing. I don't feel great again today. It has been two weeks now and four days on an antibiotic. Will this ever end? I hate feeling sick. Maybe lunch with the guys tomorrow will help?

January 17, 2010 Sunday Night

Tony finally called me about 12:30 PM to pick him up at the hospital from his surgery that morning. I went and got him and then drove him to his auto body shop to drop off some keys the employees needed to open up some doors. The keys were in his coat pocket locked in a locker at the hospital or I would have taken care of it myself. Drove him home and spent the rest of the day taking care of his every need. Had to fill the ice pack he kept on his crotch most of the day and night. He wanted to show me, I said not yet. It's a guy thing when it comes to the balls. Watched a bunch of movies, Uncle Sam, The Hurt Locker, to name two. The Hurt Locker was good. I could never do what they do. Never.

Got up early Saturday morning and made Tony a nice big breakfast and got him on the couch with ice. He did end up having to go to the shop later in the afternoon, but for the most part I was able to keep him on the couch resting. The pain pills help. He is doing OK. Watched more TV and stuff we DVR'd. Ended up sometime in the afternoon watching Snakes On A Plane again.

This morning I got up and made pancakes. Showered and went grocery shopping leaving Tony on the couch. He is much better today. Colored my hair to get a little of the grey out. Once again I am so sorry I did. My head now itches so bad I want to pull my hair out. Since taking Atripla I just can not color my hair. My skin must have changed. I even put some color on my chest hair and my chest now has a red rash where I colored. I told Tony a little while ago to remind me the next time I want to color my hair, to just say no. Went to see the movie A Single Man with some friends this afternoon at a theater down the street. Went out to dinner for pizza after the movie. Movie was good, company was great. Two of the guys we have Friday lunch with. Now we are just watching the award show on TV and soon to bed. I do have to go to work this Monday and Tuesday. I have to make some money to pay all these damn vet bills. Still haven't gotten the blood results back for Stella. If the vet doesn't call tomorrow, I will call them. Tony showed me his balls today. They are not black and blue or anything, just the one is very swollen. Yuck.

January 15, 2010 Friday Morning

Wednesday I had to take Stella back to the vet for more blood work. Another $200. Should get the results today. Spent the rest of the day napping with her and the rest of the dogs until I went to a meeting about Adherence to taking our HIV meds. Was an interesting meeting and a good meal.

Yesterday I got back into the spare bedroom and continued painting and getting it into a den or office. Made meatloaf, mashed potato and corn for dinner. Went to bed early because we had to have Tony at St Mary's Hospital by 6:30 AM for his testicle surgery.

Today we were out of the house and at the hospital on time. Tony is under the knife as I write this post. Just waiting for a call from him to come get him. Sounds like he will be recovering all weekend in pain. Lots of ice packs I am told. Hoping he calls soon so I can drop him off at home, get him comfortable, and go to lunch with the guys. Told the guys I might not make it today because of Tony's surgery. Will most likely spend the weekend very low key. Got to keep Stella calm. She seems to be handling the meds good and getting stronger. Hopefully the blood results will be good news, I am hoping.

January 12, 2010 Tuesday Night

Watching the nuts on American Idol. Why do I love this show?

Did not go to work this week. I still did not feel well on Monday and since I must put myself first I decided to stay healthy and at home. Ended up taking Barkley to the vet late in the afternoon because he has a sore on his foot. Ended up buying him more food, having his nails cut, anal glands cleaned, rabbis and distemper shots..................$220.00. Jeez. Made some spaghetti for dinner and went to bed around 9 PM.

Today I got up still feeling very tired and having stomach problems. Did not work again today. I did start painting the spare bedroom. About half way through the day I noticed Stella's ears so red from her scratching them they were almost bleeding. Called the vet and got her in right away because of a cancellation. Well, not good. On top of the ear problems she has a rash or bruising going on on her stomach. She has had problems in the past with her platelet count and I think it is happening again. Her bad cells destroying her good ones. We got it under control about a year ago. In fact right after finding out about my blood problems we found out about hers now that I remember. I would hate to loose her. Anyway, guess how much? $240. Yup, on top of the $220 I spent yesterday. Wow, there goes Kali's teeth cleaning any time soon. I will learn the blood results from Stella by tomorrow afternoon. Hope for good news, please.

Just going to stay around the house again tomorrow. I do have a dinner meeting. Counting down the days until Tony goes in for surgery, this Friday.

January 10, 2010 Sunday Night

Spent the weekend having terrible stomach problems. Feels like there is a fire in my stomach and bowels. Woke up this morning with the runs. Saturday late afternoon we did manage to leave the warm house and venture into the Milwaukee cold and meet some friends at a classic car show. Within minutes of being there Tony had to go to the bathroom and almost 2 hours later he still couldn't find us. He really pissed me off. Thankfully I had our friends to help control my anger. Drove home not saying a word to each other. Ordered some food from a local delivery restaurant. I had the potato soup hoping it would be good for my stomach. It was not. I ended up going to bed shortly after 9 PM because I felt so terrible.

This morning I woke up feeling the same. Jeez, is this the stomach flu or something worse? Pretty much laid around the house until Tony and I went to Pick And Save and did some grocery shopping. Making ribs and baked potato for dinner and a salad. It will be an early night of going to bed and watching TV in bed tonight. I am so tired and still just feel like crap. I did get all the flu shots so I am hoping it is just a cold. Hoping to work tomorrow, most likely a shorter day than the usual Monday unless I start to feel better.

Saturday morning I found a web sight called Sharedbook.com which can turn your blog into a book. I am having the first year printed as a book. Wow, I will have a book. LOL

January 10, 2010 Saturday Morning

Had a pretty rotten day on Friday. Woke up around 2:30 AM to go to the bathroom and went back to bed feeling OK. About 5:20 AM I woke up and knew that feeling. Ended up throwing up again that morning. This seems to happen every two weeks or so. Anyone else have this problem on Atripla? It does not appear food related since there is no common food doing this or food group. Stayed in bed until about 7:30 AM and then got up to see Tony off to work. He had already fed the dogs by this time. After he walked out the door I went back to bed for about an hour until the unfinished shoveling of the 8 inches of snow we got that night got me out of bed and bundled up so I could shovel the front sidewalks and back parking area. Tony plowed the alley but there was a lot of clean up still needed. Pushed myself along to get the job done. My stomach felt like someone punched me or it was on fire. After spending some more time on the toilet I went back to bed for an hour or so. Finally got back out of bed around 11 AM and showered to get ready for lunch with the guys, our regular Friday lunch. I wasn't going to miss it since like I have said many times, it is my therapy. Had a good lunch. Ate soup and grilled cheese sandwich. Dropped Tony off at his shop and within an hour of being home I went back to bed. Slept the afternoon away only to wake up feeling horrible. Wrapped myself in a blanket until Tony got home around 7 PM. Made Tony some Spaghetti O's for dinner, yah, bad husband. I finally made a bowl of chicken noodle soup around 8 PM for me. It went down OK but my stomach hurt any time I even drank water. Went to bed around 9:30 PM last night.

Tony was up and out of bed by 6 AM today. I stayed in bed until around 7 AM. Fed the dogs and soon Tony was out the door to go to work again. I did have a little 'talk' with him last night about the amount of hours he is again working. He had quadruple heart bypass surgery about 4 years ago and I got him after that to cut down on his hours. Slowly he is creeping up to high again. We don't need the money 'that' bad that he has to work that many hours. Life is to short. I plan on going back to bed after this post since Tony is working a half day. All four dogs love to sleep with me cuddling on the bed under the warm blankets since it is so cold here in Milwaukee. This afternoon we are meeting a bunch of the guys at a classic car show at State Fair Park. Indoors of course. I have no interest in the cars, just the friendship and the men at the show for eye candy. That will be it then for the day. Tony and I just realized yesterday that he goes in for surgery next Friday on his testicles. Jeez, here we go again. Will try to write again soon. Sure hope my stomach starts to feel better.

January 7, 2010 Thursday Night

One year ago my life changed forever. I remember the day well. I called the doctor to get my HIV test results because he had not returned my call from the previous day. I was told by the nurse I had to come in and get my results. I knew this was not good. I remember trying to get to the doctors office as fast as possible and my heart racing. I remember hearing those dreaded words - 'your test came back positive'. I remember the feelings my body and mind had. I remember having to call my partner of 20 years and let him know he needs to meet me at home quickly. I remember telling him and dropping to my knees at the reality - crying and shaking. A week later I found out I actually had AIDS.

It has been quite a year. I am still here. I am still alive. I find myself smiling and having good days to balance out the bad. I would not wish my last year on anyone but I also must add that I have met, emailed, and become best friends of some of the nicest people anyone would wish for in their life.

I guess I am trying to say...........I made it. I am now undetectable. I now have less side effects. I now can get through the day without that 'little voice' destroying my day by reminding me I have AIDS. Shortly after my diagnosis I honestly was ready to kill myself. I am so glad I did not.

Thank you to all my followers and friends who have gotten me through this first year. I could not have done it without you.

January 6, 2010 Wednesday Morning

Tony left for work early this morning since he was up by 5:30 AM and I got up shortly after 6 AM. So now it is almost 7:30 AM and I have already fed the dogs, watered the plants, straightened up the house and on my second cup of coffee. I have to leave the house today and go to walgreens as well as a local jewelry store since tomorrow we are suppose to get 6 to 9 inches of snow during the day. So I better get everything done today so I can lay low during the storm tomorrow. The minute Tony walks out the door it feels like part of me leaves with him. I feel lonely and alone. Even with four dogs at my feet and all their needs, I still feel lonely when Tony is not home. I wish I was more happy being alone. Tonight we go to see the play Dreamgirls here in Milwaukee. It is the broadway production. I have seen the movie and play in the past. It was on this years yearly subscription. It will be entertaining and who doesn't look forward to the part where she starts singing the main song the made Jennifer Hudson famous. Since it is so early I guess I will shower up and wait for the stores to open and make my rounds. Still have to vacuum the house today and pick up the dog droppings outside before the new snow arrives. I worked Monday a few hours and less yesterday. I took Kali to work with me yesterday since I knew I would not be at work long. She was an angel like always. Went out for dollar tacos last night for dinner. I am so tired of the snow and cold.

I think back to one year ago today. I remember it well. Last year on this date I remember very well leaving a message for my doctor to call me with my blood results from the prior week. I was very much looking forward to hearing I was HIV- and what the blood results determined. It was my last day being HIV- in my mind. The doctor did not return my call that day and it was tomorrow, one year ago that I was informed I needed to come to the doctors office and get those dreaded results. What a year it has been. I think I knew somewhere in my head that the results were not going to be good. I knew something was wrong with my health. Even so, those words...'your results came back positive' are never forgotten.

OK, time to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. My mom sent me a book she read called 'A Travel Guide To Heaven' by Anthony Destefano. Since her and I talk about heaven and death she sent it to me because it gave her great insight. I have read already the first four chapters and trying very hard to keep an open mind. The book is describing Heaven. Well, if I believed in God I guess believing in Heaven would be much easier. Heck, I would love to believe a better life full of color, friends and family, but would a God really let all this suffering happen in the world. It is my biggest stumbling block. What loving God would allow all this suffering? I wish I could resolve all these feelings. I used to say the Lords Prayer prior to going to bed every night until about a year ago. At that point it was the final nail in the 'there can not be a God coffin'. I will finish the book and most likely read a lot today and tomorrow. I will try to keep an open mind, heck, what's the alternative? Darkness and nothing?

January 3, 2010 Sunday Night

New Years Eve Tony and I did end up going to a bar in Downtown Milwaukee to bring in the New Year. A friend picked us up and dropped us off so we had no excuses for the cold. We were home by 1 AM. Most friends didn't show because it was so damn cold here in Milwaukee and has been all weekend. Had an OK time but would have been happy to just stay home.............note to self, stay home next New Years Eve.

Friday we laid around until we got showered and had lunch with the guys. Was more than usual due to the holiday and no work. Had a very long and wonderful lunch. Laughed for about an hour and a half. Love my lunches with the guys. Tony and I went grocery shopping after lunch since we were not about to go out in this cold again. Spent the rest of the afternoon watching the movie Clerks 2, was not so good but slightly entertaining. Went to bed early with our heating pad on and nice and warm under the covers.

Saturday Tony informed me he was going in to work all day because two customers cars needed to get finished and were not due to the holiday. I decided to make the turkey I got from the food bank. Never made a turkey before. Used the 'in a bag' method and it turned out pretty good. Unfortunately by the time Tony got home around 6 PM it was quite dry from being carved and staying warm. Oh well. I thought it was good. Went and saw the movie Nine at the movie theaters. Was ok but not as good as Chicago or other musicals out at the theaters. Tony even fell asleep and needed to be woke up a couple times with the jab. It was more like Moulin Rouge than Chicago in style I think. Would have rather seen many other choices available at the theaters. Had dinner at a restaurant prior to the movie which left little room for the large popcorn. Also spent some time in the afternoon at a neighbors house catching up on her Christmas and New Years stories. Her family conflicts are always worth a laugh or two.

This morning after reading the Sunday newspaper I made Tony and I breakfast. Shortly after I showered and met the neighbor so we could go to Best Buy and look at laptop computers for her as well as wireless routers. I volunteered to give as much advice about them as I could. Ended up getting a really cute kid that was very very helpful and spent at least a half hour with us. The neighbor ended up buying a laptop, wireless router and a wireless mouse. I ended up buying a wireless mouse. I love it. After I got home I spent about 2 hours at her house helping her set up the laptop and internet connection. She is happy. She bought a Gateway and it works very good. Walked across the alley to come home and it was so So SO cold. Saw Tony sleeping on the couch so I curled up for a half hour power nap on the bed. Of course all four dogs soon followed and it was a cuddle fest on the bed, me and and four dogs to stay warm. Have to get this done so I can make Tony and I dinner, just making turkey sandwiches and stuff. Then it will be a bundle up and watch TV night.

One year ago today I had the dreaded blood test that on January 7th, 2009 the test results changed my life forever. I think of these things all day. Thursday should be an interesting day of reflection.

December 31, 2009 New Years Eve

Happy New Year to all my friends and followers.
I hope 2010 brings everyone health and happiness throughout the year.
I hope to write a blog this weekend highlighting my highs and lows for the year 2009.

December 30, 2009 Wednesday Morning

Worked most of the day on Monday and Tuesday doing inventories. Mindless job and I can do it at my own pace. Made a Tbone steak last night for dinner. Got two steaks from mom for Christmas so I thought I would make one of them. Made mashed potato and corn for sides.

Today I am not going into work since I will be going in tomorrow to do the year end inventory. It is done each year the last day of the year and I figure I might as well go in and help with the counts and earn some money doing it. Already showered today and got most of the little jobs I wanted to accomplish completed. Tony is getting auto body parts and stopping at Menards to get another pond heater. My pond heater seems to have stopped working and now the pond is completely frozen over. If I don't get a hole in the pond soon the fish will all die. Since he is on the road he is picking up a new one and dropping it off on his way back to the shop. I hope this one melts a hole in the ice because I would hate to loose all the fish I have had for going on 5 years now. I learned the first year you have to have a hole to let the bad air and such out or the fish will die. Learned the hard way that year by losing all my fish. So sad. So I have to get this in today and hopefully it will melt a hole very fast. Taking down the Christmas lights outside a little each day. Already took down most of the decorations in the house and the tree. Christmas is over as far as I am concerned. Paid a few bills. Picked up the dog droppings outside. Already vacuumed the house. Maybe I will take a nap this afternoon as the new pond heater does it's job.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Thinking of meeting a few friends out for a midnight drink. It is so cold here in Milwaukee and going to get colder the next few nights. Not looking forward to bundling up at 11 PM just to go out and celebrate New Years. If Tony wanted to say home there would be no decision, we would stay home. But I think this year he wants to go out. Our friends are planning to then at midnight go to the main Milwaukee park and watch the New Years fireworks. Fireworks in the cold? You got to be crazy. I will stay in the bar. The bar is a half block from the fireworks. Still trying to decide just how much I want and need to work next year. I have to work a couple days or I will go nuts, but I don't want to jeopardize my social security. Decisions decisions. Money is not the main concern, losing the benefits I worked so hard to get is the main concern. I would love to just concentrate on the house and writing my book but I couple days work would not kill me and be good for the mind. Also is good to get out of the house and see and interact with people.

December 27, 2009 Sunday Night

Got Tony out of the house and to the Southridge Mall to return the horrible shirts he bought me on Saturday afternoon. We ended up buying some clothing and a heating blanket for the bed. Walked around the mall for the afternoon. Was not as busy as I would have thought the day after Christmas. We walked right up to the counter to make our return. Spent the rest of the afternoon watching the Saw Movie Marathon. Saw One through Three was playing on one of the TV channels. Then we ended up going to bed soon after 10 PM.

This morning we got up and showered so we could drive to the south side of town to get Tony's mom and take her out for breakfast. Stopped off at his brother's house after breakfast to give their kids some money for Christmas. We didn't get to see them on Christmas and usually give them each an envelope. After dropping off Tony's mom we went to Fleet Farm, a hardware type store, to return two sweaters Tony's mom had bought for us. They also were horrible looking and would not have gotten worn. Got a whole $10 for them. I am sure she bought them on clearance. Ended up buying a few items. Came home and spent the afternoon watching some stupid movies not worth remembering. Now we are watching The Sound Of Music for probably the 100th or more time. I do love this movie. Probably seen this movie more than any other movie. Wizard of Oz would probably be second. I remember seeing Sound Of Music in the movie theater as a child with my family when it first was released. It was such a long movie there was even a 20 minute intermission half way through the movie. Remember seeing it a second time with my grandmother at the movie theater as a kid also. Brings back fond memories. They just don't make movies like this anymore. I can sing the words to every song I have seen it so many times. After this movie it will be lights out. Monday I will work my usual hours doing inventory.

December 26, 2009 Saturday Morning

Had a very good Christmas.

Spent most of Christmas Eve day just listening to music and doing things around the house. Tony got home from work around 2:30 and our nephew came over around 3 PM. He is 11 years old, was visiting his father here, and we usually then exchange him with his mother, Tony's sister when we meet for Christmas Eve. He is a good kid and loves his uncle Tony and Dave. Got to Tony's family Christmas around 5 PM. Had a good time, I guess. Seemed everyone was rushing and just couldn't wait to go home. We were home by 8:30 PM. Not much of a Christmas Eve when you start so early and home so early. We went to bed shortly after 10 PM.

Christmas Day Tony and I exchanged presents. I of course got him things he needs and asks for throughout the year. He got me......................2 of the most ugly shirts I have ever seen in my life. I actually asked him where and when I would ever wear the one. His reply was 'when we go on vacation'. Yah, like we go on so many of those. LOL. When I found out how much he spent on the two shirts I immediately asked him for the receipts. They will get returned today. I do not spent close to $100 on TWO shirts. I am more frugal than that. I had given him a list of items I would want. Not one was gotten for me once again. Christmas is not Tony's holiday. He hates it. He hates shopping. Hates having to buy stuff. He grew up in a family where his dad handed out cash. So after he saw my face and I told him how disappointed I was in his lack of shopping he handed me $500 and said to go buy what I want. Jeez. I have $500. And hell it is really just like handing me my own money when you come right down to it. Oh well. Not one of Tony's strong traits. Never was. Left around noon to go to my parents house. Spent the afternoon with them. Had a nice time. I really do enjoy my time with my family. There was a time I had big anxiety prior to going to their home. In the last 10 years I have felt comfortable enough not to have any worries. In fact. I know they all enjoy me being there. I keep the conversation and the topics flowing, popular or not. LOL Got home around 6 PM. Fed the dogs and cleaned up the house from the Christmas presents we got from my family. Mom buys a few items each year we can count on: Couple bags of dog food (always appreciated when you have 4 dogs), a box of frozen steaks (who doesn't want steaks), and of course 'The Envelope'. This year we each got $400. Always the funny part of the afternoon. We all know that is 'the gift' we are all waiting for. All the brothers and sisters then make up stories with each other as to how much was in 'their' envelope. We always all get the same, but we kid each other like we were the special child this year that got more. LOL

Today I am already showered and waiting for Tony to get home from letting in an employee at the shop. He has a convict on work release so he has to be at the shop every morning at 9 AM and night at 6 PM to let him in and out of the shop. He gets dropped off by the jail. It is better than being in jail for the day. He is a nice guy and Tony's sister is now dating him. So she now spends most of her day's there locked up with him. Long story. Thinking of dragging Tony to the mall to make some returns. Can't wait to see his face when I tell him we are going to the mall for the day. I will blame it on his lack of buying abilities again this year. Also thinking about buying myself a Grandfather Clock at JC Penny that is on sale. I have always wanted a Grandfather Clock and the one I like is on sale. Might buy myself my own Christmas present this year. Light snow is falling today. It rained most of Christmas Eve and Day here in Milwaukee. Usually much colder on Christmas....global warming?

December 24, 2009 Christmas Eve

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. Be nice to others. Be kind to yourself.

December 23, 2009 Wednesday Night

Worked a few hours on Tuesday. Came home and spent the rest of the afternoon listening to music I recently downloaded planning my next dance mix. Went out last night for $1 tacos for dinner. Spent the rest of the night trying to stay warm here in Milwaukee.

Today I got up and loaded up a bunch of songs I like at the moment and spent the day mixing music and making the December 2009 Dance Mix above. Hope someone is listening to these mixes and enjoying them? Burned a copy on a cd so I can listen to it in my car in the next couple days as we drive to family for Christmas. Having mixed feelings about this Christmas. I am happy to be healthier than I was last year at this time, but Christmas makes me think of all the people and pets we have lost or are not around. Have to get myself away from that kind of thinking. A good size snow / sleet / rain storm is just now hitting us here in Milwaukee. Sounds like it is going to be here for the Christmas holiday making driving horrible the next couple days.
Hope everyone is done with their Christmas shopping, I finished the last of it today with a trip to Walgreen's. Got Tony a blade sharpener for our razors. Notice I said for Tony for OUR razors. LOL Going to spend the night watching some movies and staying out of the storm.

December 21, 2009 Monday Night

Sunday afternoon Tony and I drove to my parents house in Oconomowoc, about 50 minute drive. My sister, her husband, and two kids drove into town from St Louis for their Christmas with the family before they head back south the day before Christmas. It was also my sister Patti's Birthday. Exchanged presents and had a nice day with everyone. Her kids are so so cute. Came home at dinner time and spent the night watching a little TV. We were home no longer than about 45 minutes before we were both eating from the popcorn tin my sister had given us.

Today I got up and off to work. Did my usual drive from one location to the other and then the weekly inventories. Got out of work a little earlier than usual. Seems a little hard to get going these days. I think it must be the cold, the clouds, and depressed thoughts. Been doing so much thinking lately about what life was like a year ago prior to knowing I have AIDS. The last year has changed my life completely. Think I might do something special for myself on January 7th because it was that day a year a go that my life changed forever. The day I found out I was HIV+. You never forget that day I am told. Seems very true. Making a quick dinner tonight and then just going to relax. It is so cold here in Milwaukee. I hate this cold weather. I am not sure how long or how many more years either one of us will put up with it. Who knows, by the time we finally make the move global warming will have kicked in big time and it might not be so bad in the winters. Not a happy thought when you come right down to it. I feel sorry for the polar bears and animals who will parish.

I sometimes ask myself if life is better today than it was say 1 year ago? Is it better than it was 5 years ago, 10, 20? I guess I would just have to say I am, or SHOULD BE happy. I have no debt, I have a wonderful husband, dogs, house and family. So why am I so unhappy all the time? Depression? I have to find a way to snap out of this because another pill and side effects is out of the question. I am going to have to find a way to be happy because I should be. I think I will write an end of the year what I am thankful for blog.

December 20, 2009 Sunday Morning

Once again I can not believe my last post was on last Wednesday. I used to post daily. Where do the days go? I looked at Tony and asked him 'have I not posted since Wednesday'? I know I posted Friday, will have to find where it went.

Thursday I was going to go to work for a few hours and clean the owners office. Was told it would be a lost cause prior to Christmas and to wait until after that. So that left me with the day off. What the heck did I do all day? I honestly am drawing blank.

Friday was so cold again here in Milwaukee that I did not leave the house until shortly before noon to pick Tony up at the shop and go to lunch with our usual gang of guys. I had made up little Christmas stocking for each of them. Lunch was enjoyable as always. No lunch next week because it is Christmas Day. We did agree to meet on New Year's Day for lunch. After lunch I dropped Tony off at his shop and did a little Christmas shopping. Bought Tony's mom a $100 McDonalds gift card. She eats there a lot and she wanted it. I also like gift cards rather than pulling out money at the drive thru. You don't feel like your spending money. LOL Pretty much done with the Christmas shopping. What I don't have by now, they won't be getting. Got Tony a couple items, seriously, what more do either one of us need? Spent Friday night playing on the computer trying to figure out how to get the movies I download to play on the TV since upgrading to Windows 7. I spent all night trying to figure it out. I was not going to call my tenant down again since I knew I could figure it out. After about 2 hours or more I realized Windows 7 has like a split screen. It is so cool. In the past what ever I played on the computer to the TV had to have both the computer and TV same program or show on. With Windows 7 it is like having two screens. I can play a movie to the TV on one screen and still cruise the internet or such on the computer main screen. Hope that made sense. I am so happy I figured it out myself and the final results of the hours spent trying to fix it. I know I could have just called my tenant, but sometimes a guy likes to know he can do it alone, right? On a side note. Tony got a check from our scammer guy in California for the balance of the money he owed us. Guess my diligence paid off. No one in the last 5 years and over 30 companies I have found scammed by him have gotten their money back. Also, the car insurance company on Friday told Tony they will cover my Mustang. So life is good again.

Saturday Tony went to work and then spent the afternoon Christmas shopping for me. Left me at home the entire day again. Spent the morning preparing the spare room for me to start painting and such. Like I said in earlier post, I am not waiting for Tony to finish the bathroom first, it will never happen. Plus in this cold, if I don't leave the house, I need a project. Tried to take a nap in the afternoon but Vito put an end to that real quick. He started throwing up about 2 PM and kept going until about 4 PM. I must have cleaned up over 10 piles of puke. Was getting a little scared until he finally stopped. He must have eaten something he should not have. At one point I was holding his head with a paper plate on the floor under his mouth to try to catch it. It was unbelievable. He is much better today and was fine by about 5 PM. Tony and I then last night went to a party at the Art Bar. My ex prior to Tony and his partner own the bar. Their yearly Christmas party with free food and drinks. We spent about 2 1/2 hours at the party. I only had one drink. Was just not in a party mood. Came home last night and watched a little TV. Saturday Night Live was hysterical last night.

Today I made breakfast for Tony and I. Have to get in the shower because we have to go to my parents house since my sister is in town and will not be in town with her kids on Christmas. So if I want to see them and give them their presents we have to drive the hour drive to see them today. Had no other plans anyway. Will have to make the drive to my parents house again on Friday afternoon, Christmas Day, as usual. What would Christmas Day be without going to see family, right? Hmm. Do I need to see them twice in one week? Not even looking forward to going out in this cold weather. Time to move to a warmer area of the country ASAP.

December 16, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Just got back from the doctor. My viral load is still undetectable. That is good. My TCell count is now at to 332. Up from 315 last blood test, and up from 106 last January. My cholesterol levels are still not good but the doctor is not as concerned because I have no history of problems in my family. I also can stop taking Fluconazole and Acyclovir daily when the current prescription runs out. Two less pills to take each day since he says my counts are high enough and the meds are no longer needed. My vitamin D levels are very low and of some concern so the doctor has me taking a vitamin D twice daily. The doctor is still very happy with how I have progressed and graduated me from AIDS to HIV+. I told him I appreciated the gesture but know that once you are diagnosed with AIDS you never go back to just HIV+. But it was a nice thought. Also got a pneumonia shot while I was there. Didn't know one existed. So there it is. Looks like I am going to be around for a while.

December 16, 2009 Wednesday Morning

Worked most of Monday and a few hours on Tuesday. Tuesday night we went out for dinner for $1 taco's. Took a nap after I got home from work yesterday which might be the reason I slept so bad last night. I was up at least 10 times and never could get comfortable. It could also have been the fact I slept on the other side of the bed, pushed Tony towards the middle of the bed, because Stella, Barkley and Vito were taking up so much room. Kali was smart and stretched out on the bedroom couch. Sometimes I think she is the smartest of us all. She gets the whole couch to herself.

This morning I got some stuff done around the house and then drove to the vet to buy Barkley his special food. Was happy to have a credit when all was said and done due to the fact my sister put $100 on our dogie account as a Christmas present. How nice. Have to call her after this blog post. Came home and after vacuuming I took my tenants with me to the food pantry at ARCW and got my monthly food and stocked up on bread. Lots of bread. I am very nervous and always am prior to going to my AIDS doctor. I have a 1:30 appointment today. I get my latest round of blood results. I am really hoping to still be undetectable and hopefully my TCell count will have gotten into the 400s. Lets hope. I hate going to this doctor because, even though he has helped me live, it reminds me each time of this horrible disease I have. I can go through most days not thinking about it, or pushing it off to the side in my head if I keep busy. But when I have nothing to do or have this doctor appointment it gives me nothing else to think about.

I have been reflecting lately on my life and what it was like one year ago. I started this blog on January 7, 2009 the day I found out I was HIV+. Not sure why after getting news like that I would start a blog that day. But I did. Months prior to January I knew something was not right. I remember very well last year between Thanksgiving and Christmas putting off making a doctor's appointment because I just had this feeling I was not going to hear good news. I knew something was wrong. I finally made the doctor appointment the day before New Years and went in on the 4th of January. I finally got the results on January 7th. I will never forget that day. I remember very well these days before that dreaded day wondering what could be wrong with me. I had thrush, sores in my ears and nose, and was bleeding rectally. I was also getting scabs and such on my face. I was so tired all the time and had to push myself through the day. I knew this was not normal. I know the thought of AIDS came into my mind, but I kept telling myself it can not be. I remember at Christmas with my family everyone saying how much weight I had lost and not wanting to talk much because the thrush was so noticeable when I opened my mouth. Of course I didn't know it was thrush at the time. I try to keep telling myself how lucky I am because if I had not pushed for the HIV test I would have gotten sicker and sicker and maybe would not be here today. In fact I was so sick, I would not have been here today. Sometimes these thoughts are very hard to deal with. Sometimes I just want to cry. I think of everything I would have missed in the last year. I would have missed so much. My family, Tony, my dogs, visits from internet friends that flew half way around the country just to see me..........so much. I am glad to still be around.

I will post again this afternoon my new blood test results and how I feel about them.

December 13, 2009 Sunday Afternoon

Friday I spent the day doing little things around the house in the morning. Had lunch with the guys, which is always the high light of my week, and then took a big change container to the bank and cashed it in. There was $300.18 in the container. Not bad. Did a little grocery shopping and got home around 3:30 PM. Made a Cornish hen, baked potato and salad for dinner. Spent the night watching nothing worth remembering.

Saturday morning Tony got up and took my Mustang to the shop to clean it up so a potential buyer could look at it and hopefully buy it. He got it all done. Spent three hours cleaning it up so it looked perfect and parked it out front of the shop. He was so proud of how nice it looked he even took a few pictures. He then walked into the shop and not 2 minutes later heard this horrible crashing noise. He ran out front to find his brother who had a kid by his collar that had smashed into my Mustang and was trying to run away from the accident. Yes, you read all that correctly. Not only did Tony spend three hours cleaning the car. Within 5 minutes of parking it outside it is now junk. Totalled. Here is a before and after picture. On the left is the picture of his shop and my car after he finished cleaning it. On the right is what it looked like less than 5 minutes after parking it out front. Of course the kid does not have insurance and the really sad thing is Tony took the insurance off my Mustang just a couple weeks ago because I was to start driving the BMW. I continued driving my Mustang, but of course, didn't know he did this switch with insurance. I pray to god he can straighten this out or I will be so pissed off. You will see me on Judge Judy over this one. I will never see the $8000 it is worth though if I go on a TV show. I think the max amount you can win is $5000. Don't this just suck?

Spending the rest of this Sunday afternoon just watching TV. We went to Walgreen's earlier to get some prescriptions and stuff. Thinking we might order Chinese food tonight for dinner.

December 10, 2009 Thursday Morning

Wow is it cold here in Milwaukee.

It is 9:13 AM and the temperature is 1 degree with a wind chill temperature of 20 below zero. A feel so sorry for anyone who has to work outside in this for a living, much less the animals that have to stay warm, or a stray or lost animal that is used to being in a warm house. Don't know how they do it. I once again do not plan on leaving the house today. I did get outside to take out the garbage and pick up the dog crap in the side yard, but that was it. Thank god we are not digging out from the huge snow storm everyone else in Wisconsin got if you were at least a mile or more inland from lake Michigan. They showed on the news last night what a difference taking a drive down Capital drive which runs east west was in snow totals driving from the lake front west. No snow at all on the lake front because of lake Michigan, but just a mile or two inland the snow totals go up any where to 18 inches. Madison sounds like it was shut down for the day. Now it is so cold everything is ice. So if you didn't get your shoveling done yesterday, your screwed. Since I have already decided I am not leaving the house, I have to come up with a project or two to keep myself busy. I have already sorted the house paperwork and filed this years papers in preparation for taxes, I re arranged the furniture in the living room and dining room yesterday. I re arranged the furniture in the master bedroom last week. If Tony don't start finishing the bathroom he started a year ago I am going to finish it myself after the 1st of the year. But for today, I think I might tackle the basement. I just can not sit around doing nothing all day every day. Even just one day drives me crazy. I will have to start a puzzle or something if I don't get into a cleaning mood. Not expected to get much warmer here in Milwaukee until our high on Saturday of 20 degrees. Wow, heat wave. Not leaving the house until lunch with the guys on Friday. I hate this cold. Why I live in Wisconsin this time of year escapes me.

December 9, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Waited for the big snow storm to hit, we got lucky.

Monday I worked my usual Monday doing inventories all day. Getting the hang of all the products so it is taking me less time to do the entire retail inventory. I was out the door by 3 PM done and emailed to the owner. Shaved an hour off the time since starting to do them a couple months ago. Made a frozen lasagna, salad and garlic bread for dinner. Watched the usual CBS line up until time to go to bed around 10:15 PM.

Tuesday I got to work a little later than usual. Just took my time and when I was ready to leave I did. Didn't rush myself like usual. Finding if I do not rush myself I have a much better day. Worked a few hour and called it a day around 2 PM. Came home and spent the rest of the afternoon doing a little cleaning. Also searched the internet for a way to continue contacting my 'friend' in California that now has our 414 area code blocked so I can not continue to fill his voice mail box. I have realized I can still call him on friends phones that are not 414 area code. So I will have to figure this out because I am not giving up on getting our entire refund back from this scammer. Went out for $1 tacos a 1/2 block down the street for dinner. Got home and finished ripping some cd's I got from my tenant. Ripped the entire Pink Floyd collection. I loved Pink Floyd in college. Spent most of the morning stoned listening to them, Alan Parson's Project, Supertramp, ELO, and such. Went to bed around 10 PM still waiting for the big snow storm to materialize.

Got up this morning hoping to look out the window to a blizzard and over a foot of snow like the weatherman has been saying all week. I guess we got lucky being about a mile from Lake Michigan because it stayed mostly rain. I don't even have to shovel. Much different story a couple miles west and the rest of Wisconsin. Most area away from lake Michigan got a foot or more of snow. So I guess we got lucky. Spent the morning and still listening to all the Pink Floyd CD's I ripped. Partook in the usual event needed to fully enjoy Pink Floyd, if you know what I mean. Figured I wasn't going anywhere today anyway so why not 'waste' the day away. Thinking about taking a nap the rest of the afternoon and then make a nice supper. It is suppose to get really really cold after today. High tomorrow of 15 degrees. Same on Friday. I don't think I will leave the house if it is that cold. Suppose to be below zero each night the next few nights. YUCK.

December 6, 2009 Sunday Night

Spent most of the day on Saturday ripping music from my CD collection to my computer hard drive. I started out the day reading that one of the co founders of The Alan Parson's Project died over the past week. I was always a fan of their music. So I pulled out my old CDs and MP3s and spent the day listening to Alan Parson's Project as Tony worked most of the day. Saturday night Tony, our tenants and I went to a co workers 50th birthday party. We left to go to the party around 6 PM with it in mind we would would home in a couple hours. Well, a couple hours went pretty fast and we finally left the bar/restaurant around 10:30 PM. Was a nice crowd of people. I drank free beer. I hate beer. But if it is free, I will drink maybe one cup. Had two. Came home and watched a little of SNL until we went to bed close to midnight.

This morning I made pancakes for breakfast and continued ripping music from CD's to the computer hard drive. I ripped Best Of CD's and such. I also backed them all up on my external hard drive. Couldn't find three cds I really wanted on the computer and I only have them in cassette format so I ordered used CD's on amazon.com. Should be interesting what the condition they are in when they arrive. As long as I can rip them to the computer is all I care about. Got them all for less than five dollars a piece used. Still haven't had a cig. Made it past the 7 day mark today. All down hill from here? Suppose to get some snow tonight and maybe the first real big storm of the season on Wednesday. They are already talking about it on the news and the big storm is three days off. Looking forward to our regular Sunday night TV tonight. Most likely will work only two days this week and very limited hours due to the snow and cold. Did I mention it is soooooooooo cold here in Wisconsin? It was in the 20s most of all today and yesterday.

December 5, 2009 Fantasy's

I have wanted to talk about this subject in my blog for some time but have never found the time to talk about it. Since Tony went to work today and I have most the day to talk, I will.

I lot has changed in my life in the past year since finding out I was HIV+ and then AIDS. One subject I wanted to explore was the topic of fantasies. I hear having fantasies is a good thing, even in a relationship, as long as you know that they are just that, fantasies. I use to be able to fantasise about a good looking guy I saw. My fantasy really were not so much about sex as they were about the courting stage of getting to know each other and the romance in that part of getting to know each other. More about what we would say and the cute little things involved in getting to know each other. I always considered myself somewhat attractive so I was always 'in the running' so to speak if I met some attractive guy, or saw an attractive guy on TV or something. Tony and I always had this little game when we see someone attractive. We usually make a comment such as 'he would want me bad'. Or 'can you imagine the things he wants to do to me'. Call it couples play, whatever. It is better than pointing out point blank to one's partner that 'I'd do him'. My point is the fact I at one time could fantasise about another person and them being attracted to me. Since my diagnosis this fantasy and game play between Tony and I has lost its fun. I can not fantasise anymore. The minute I see a good looking guy or such I start to fantasise and then the fantasy always goes the same direction. It sooner or later leads to me having to tell the person I have AIDS. At that point the fantasy always ends with the guy turning away or walking away. I guess I think 'what guy would ever want me if something happened to Tony since I have AIDS?' I can not imagine if something happened to Tony and I had to go back out there in the dating world. Who would want me? At what point would I even tell someone I am HIV+. First date? Second date? First conversation? It scares the hell out of me. It has even put an end to me having fantasy's. Can anyone relate to this or understand what I am saying? Now when Tony says something like 'he would want me bad' or such I think to myself 'yah, but what would he want with me?'. Is this reasonable thoughts? Can I no longer have a sexual fantasy? Anyone else go through this in a way it makes sense?

December 4, 2009 Friday Night

Wednesday I went into work and tied up some loose ends and such. Worked only a couple hours and came home. Stopped off at Walgreen's on the way home to pick up some prescriptions. Made it out of the store without buying any cigs. Stopped off at the gas station for some gas, and made it out without buying any cigs. I had forgot to put the patch on today, noticed I had forgotten about half way to work. Got home and started looking for my social security card and birth certificate that I needed for applying for energy assistance. Not where it should be. In fact, Tony's social security card and birth certificate are not where they should be either. Spent the next 3 hours tearing apart the house 6 times over looking for them. Tried to remember when I would have used or needed them last. No clue. Tony came home and I dared him to find them hoping maybe he might know where they are. Nope. We went out for cheap burgers, my mind always on where the missing paperwork is. I hate crap like this. I can not 'move forward' when stuff like this happens. I have to solve the mystery. Came home and spent the night going around the house looking everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Without a cig no less. Went to bed around 11 PM thinking I will have to order and pay for new birth certificates and social security card.

Woke up Thursday morning and after a bit of coffee started the search again throughout the house. Gave up soon and called my parents to vent. I then downloaded all the information from the internet to apply for a new social security card. Called my parents back to get their social security numbers as needed on the application. Got it all filled out and walked into the spare bedroom and looked around the room. We have this exercises bike (that never is used) next to my cd racks between the big chest like thing that hold blankets and such. I thought to myself that if I moved the bike out and pushed the chest in towards the cd racks there would be more room in this room. So I pulled the bike away from the wall and then went to the end of the chest thing and started pushing it with my shoulders towards the cd racks. It is very heavy and had Tony's fire safe safe on it among other things. As I pushed, this clear envelope fell to my feet from behind the chest. It was the envelope with both of our social security cards and birth certificates as well as............................ a $100 bill. What the heck? Not only did I find the missing paperwork, but there is a $100 bill tucked in the envelope. It took me about a half day to remember why. About a month or so ago Milwaukee started a Domestic Partner Registry. I was collecting all the required paperwork and fees to take with us. I have no clue what side tracked us from that one, but we never did sign up. Have to look back on my blog and see what emergency must have come up that day and diverted us. Anyway, found the darn paperwork, as well as $100.00. Made sloppy joe's for dinner with french fries. Had to stop eating at bedtime to fast for my blood tests Friday Morning.

Got up this morning and after feeding the dogs and such I put on my sweat pants, washed up a bit and headed out the door to the hospital for my 3 month blood work. I find out the results in a week and a half when I visit my doctor for that appointment. I will post them. Had a nice lunch with the guys as usual. Tony got a check today from the guy who scammed him for a fourth of what we paid him. We cashed it and when I got home I started calling him and letting him know the phone calls will not end until we get the remainder of our money. He sent a letter with the check saying we would get a 1/4 a month for the next three months. No way. But we will take the money he sent. Filled his voice mail box by 4 PM this afternoon again. I fill it twice a day. Knowing I got even this check from this scammer lets me know my calls are working.
Watching the series final of Monk tonight and then White Collar. Snowed today in Milwaukee, our first for the season, looks pretty, but jeez is it cold outside.

December 1, 2009 Tuesday Night

Could not believe when I came to my blog tonight to see the counter at the bottom of the page (I do check the number daily) and saw I had not posted since Saturday night. Where does the time go? I could have sworn I posted something on Sunday.

Saturday night we watched the movie Twilight. I know the sequel New Moon is at the theaters now. We are always behind on movies. Actually I kinda put it in the category with Harry Potter. It was entertaining and we will check out the sequel soon. The vampire guy actually looks 'sickly' to me. Guess that is how he is suppose to look?

Sunday morning we drove to Tony's mom's house to take her for breakfast. I get to eat, and Tony gets to see his mom. We do this every other week usually. She is retired and has little visitors at her home so she appreciates us taking her out for breakfast. Got the weeks worth of lottery tickets on the way home at the local grocery store. Did a little shopping for the weeks food. Mostly fresh fruit and dairy products. Spend the rest of Sunday keeping busy around the house or watching TV as Tony vegged on the couch. I kept busy cleaning or filing paperwork in preparation for tax season because I am once again trying to quit smoking. It was my first day. If I sat down, my mind wanted a cig. Have the patch on. Made it through the day without killing anyone. Watched our usual Sunday night line up on ABC and lights out at 10 PM.

Monday I worked a few hours doing the inventory at work. Got home very tired and didn't even have the strength to make dinner. Microwaved two TV dinners. Tony was not happy with dinner as usual. Got my Windows 7 upgrade in the mail today so I thought I would give the upgrade a try. Yes, maybe not the best decision being the second day without a cig. Yes, second day. Thankfully the upgrade went very smooth and I must say I like Windows 7 much better than Vista. Just searching for files is so much easier. Everything seems to be working great. Did not lose a link or anything. I recommend upgrading your email to Windows Live prior so you do not lose any email. I guess the upgrade doesn't include Windows Mail so I didn't want to lose all my sent or deleted email much less the address book. Everything went so smoothly. Just did an upgrade, not a full system restore. Didn't want to go through that much work. I know it was probably a good idea but then again this is a new computer I have only had for a few months. How much harm could I have done? I am happy I took the chance and now have Windows 7 on this new computer. Went to bed and watched TV around 9 PM and then lights out at 10 PM. Lately we don't even watch the 10 PM news we are so tired.

Today I went into work again for a few hours to order some products for the spa and school. Got everything I wanted to get done accomplished. Called it a day by 3 PM. Spent 45 minutes on hold with Foodshare to see if they got the updated information I faxed last week and if it made a difference with my benefit. They got the information, it makes no difference. Guess my social security seems to much income to them. What the f#ck? I don't know how anyone can live on what they plan on paying me a month. Sounds like a catch 22 to me. No one person alone can live on social security in today's world. Bare bones expenses are not even covered. I made a spreadsheet the other night for the heck of it to see what it cost each month to live. Unbelievable when you start adding up gas, electric, phone, internet, cable, cell, food, insurance for house, car, health.......................... it cost at least $3000 a month to sit home and do nothing. I guess I missed the money train when it came my way. When I hear of these wallstreet guys getting million dollar bonus's I can not believe it. I could live the rest of my life on the interest alone. What the heck do they do with all that money? Made it though the day again today without a cig. Day 3. Not bad hey? Have the patch on again today. I do plan on this being the last time. I am not going to be one of those people spending 7 dollars a day for a pack of cigs and standing outside in the Wisconsin winter to smoke them. It just is that simple. So there is no other option. Any encouragement is appreciated. I do find myself eating all night because of this. That must change soon. But lets get through the week first, right? Since I usually smoke a pack of cigs a day, I have saved myself almost $20, and three packs of smoke in my lungs. When you look at it like that, it sure make sense to quit. Failure this time is not an option. Going to a restaurant a block away for $1 tacos tonight for dinner. Will most likely be home and warm by 8 PM watching TV. I am so glad prime time TV is 7 PM to 10 PM in the central time zone. I can not imagine having to stay up until 11 PM to watch the news. We central time zone people need our sleep I guess.

November 28, 2009 Saturday Morning

Had a great lunch with the guys yesterday. A couple more that don't usually show up because they work were there because of the holiday. Over half are really into cars like Tony so after the lunch conversation was all about cars, lol, all the guys headed to Tony's auto body shop so they could see it. It was really nice to see them all in such awe of Tony's business and what he has accomplished. Most of the guys including his brothers wish they had a life dream, a job they love, that they can do every day, pay the bills, and have a place that is their own. I was very proud of Tony yesterday as we showed the guys around his auto body shop. They all are car fanatics and had to look at every engine in all the old cars he has accumulated. I lost count years ago and don't even try. There must be at least 20 cars at the shop he owns and are in some state of repair or restoration. He even has 5 more at a different location. I often tell Tony to make me a list of all the cars we own so I know if something happens to him. Didn't get home from lunch until after 3 PM after stopping at the lumber store. Listened to music the rest of the day until Tony got home. Made left overs from mom's Thanksgiving dinner. Watched the movie Food, Inc. on DVD. Knew it was not going to be a 'happy' movie. I don't think I ever want to eat meat again now after watching this movie. This one slaughter house alone slaughters 32,000 hogs a day. A DAY! And the way it is done is horrible. They crush them in this thing that looks like the trash collectors use to get our garbage. The cows and chickens aren't treated any better. Then the farmers and the regulations they have to face. It is a very eye opening movie and I do recommend it if you aren't the type to bury your head in the sand over every day food issues. You can bury your head in the sand and wonder how we get the food on our tables much less Mc Donald's, but there comes a time when you have to look at it honestly and say 'can we be more humane'? Watch it and see.

Tony got a call from my 'friend' out in California the other day that screwed Tony out of $589.00. I guess my 60 - 70 phone messages I leave him each day filling his voice mail is starting to wear on him. He promised if I don't call from that day until the 1st of December a check will be sent. Bullshit. I know damn well he is just probably changing the 800 numbers as of the first of the month. I have continued to call and his voice message machine is full. I have successfully gotten two of his 800 numbers turned off. I guess he doesn't like paying for all the incoming calls. LOL I have two numbers left to keep calling him on. I got them from doing web searches and seeing all the other people and companies he has scammed throughout the USA. He is quite a busy guy. The web sights even have all the info they have on him, which is where I have picked up on two more toll free lines he has. Even if he changes his numbers or turns them off, in time I will find him and he will hear my 'sweet' voice again.

Have to go do some quick shopping for Christmas presents. Just for the kids/nephews. Bought them some, but need to get a couple more. Christmas is for the kids. I am luck if I get anything from Tony each year. Thankfully as I am buying things for him I pick up things I like and .....wrap them for me. Yah Yah. At least I get things I want. Don't have anything else this weekend so I am sure we will watch a lot of TV and lay around with the dogs.

November 27, 2009 Friday Morning

The sun is out today in Milwaukee. It is only in the low 40s so it looks nicer outside than it actually is. Either way, I will take the sun over clouds any day.

Had a very nice Thanksgiving with the family. I was a bit nervous about the day considering it would be the first time face to face with my mom and dad after them finding out about my HIV status. I noticed nothing different. Mom still hugged and kissed me like always. Dad shook my hand like men do when I said hello and then goodbye. Was nice to spend the afternoon with the family. My one sisters girls are now over 18 and seem to fit in nicely with the conversations. My other sisters kids are under 10 and they are the cuties kids I have ever seen. I know I am their uncle and all, but seriously, the one kid looks like the kid from the Stuart Little movies to a T. Got home around 6 PM, fed the dogs and spent the night watching stuff we DVR'd the past few weeks. Mostly the Wanda Sykes show last night. She needs something more if she wants to keep her Saturday night audience. Took Kali with us to my parents house for Thanksgiving. Of course the other dogs were not happy about this arrangement. Kali was of course so good all day staying by my side the entire day. She must always have me in her sight when I take her anywhere. She even follows me into the bathroom. She is so cute. She is my baby.

My dad mentioned yesterday at the dinner table that it was 50 years to the date that my grandfather had died. I never met the man. Heard many great stories of him. Died of a heart attach the day before Thanksgiving after coming home from a day of Christmas shopping with my grandma. She was in the kitchen cooking dinner and when she walked back into the living room he was dead. The day before Thanksgiving. My grandma was such a strong women. I still miss her so much. Got me thinking about all the people and animals I have lost throughout my lifetime. So sad. Brings tears to my eyes to think of grandparents, friends, family, and of course pets I have had to said goodbye to. Wish I could have one day with all of them. Was thinking in 5 to 7 years when my social security comes up for review how different life will be then. With the advanced age of my parents and dogs, it is pretty much a given that in 5 to 7 years I will have had to say goodbye to one or more parents, Kali, Barkley and Stella. I will most likely still be left with that little shit we call Vito. LOL. Kinda sad and makes you realize just how precious life really is and how we just can not take anything for granted. Hell, 11 months ago my counts were so bad I would probably be dead today if I had done anything or gotten on meds. Makes me want to cry. Also makes me sit back and appreciate all I do have and when I want to yell at Tony or a dog, is it really worth it? Will it matter in the long haul? I think I better change this direction of thinking or it will be a depressing morning or day..........
Have to shower and do some cleaning around the house. House needs a good dusting and vacuuming. Tony already left for a day at work. I will pick him up a little before noon for lunch with the guys which is always an uplifting lunch. Tonight I will probably just make the left overs mom sent home with us for dinner.
Gonna put on some dance music and shower and get out of this depressed state of mind. No need to be depressed at the moment so why do this to myself.

Would love for others to comment and share their Thanksgiving day stories.

November 26, 2009 Thursday Morning

HAPPY THANKSGIVING
Hope you all have a very happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful to just be alive and as healthy as I am. I hope the same to all my followers.

November 23, 2009 Sunday Night

Wasted the weekend away doing nothing.

Friday night I made soup and bagels for dinner since neither one of us were hungry due to lunch with the guys. Spent the night watching TV. A lunch friend has us hooked on the show White Collar. It is on the USA network right after Monk. The lead guy is very handsome, which I am sure was the hook. Saturday Tony went to work in the morning as I cleaned the house listening to music. Made sandwiches and soup for lunch and spent the rest of the day watching the complete 5th season (but the last three shows) of Weeds. Downloaded the complete season. I love this show. I think I will watch the last three prior to settling in for the Music Awards tonight on ABC. Went to dinner at a local diner. Had a grilled chicken sandwich and a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I did take Stella and Barkley for a walk around the block this afternoon. It was in the 50s here in Milwaukee today. Not bad for the middle of November.

Plan on working Monday and Tuesday for sure. Not sure about Wednesday. Might just take an extended weekend off if no major problems arise. I still have to check and see how I am getting paid from the owner this week. I don't want my pay to get me in the ass once social security kicks in January 2010.

November 21, 2009 Friday Afternoon

Spent Thursday morning cleaning the house before going to my CAB meeting at 1 PM. Also drove to the nearest Walmart to buy some sheets for the place I work at. Was finally a productive meeting. Hopefully some changes will happen in 2010 and being a part of the board will be productive. Came home and made dinner, watched TV and went to bed around 10 PM.

This morning I did the usual routine which includes firing up the computer and checking emails. I received this wonderful email from a lady named Ellisya:

Dear Dave,
I have read ur blog and it is inspiring to me. I am a 30 yrs old from Malaysia. I was raped by my uncle when I was 16 and I got pregnant after that. This year I was tested HIV positive as well as my daughter which is 13 now...
There's time when I am so down and thinking that no guys will ever marry me and my future of my daughter is so doom. However after reading your story I am somehow brave enough to face this world once again. You can check my blog at http://www.livelifelikeyouweredying.blogspot.com/ to read my story of life. Its not as amazing as yours but it is my journey in life.
I have actually stopped going to see the doctor because the doctor in Malaysia is so discriminate towards people like me. I am working with Radio Station in Malaysia, there s times I feel like quitting because my body kind of giving up on me.
But every time I am thinking to quit, people like you will appear and inspire me.
Thank you again.

What a sweet letter hey? I spent this morning reading her blog. Trust me, my life is and was grand compared to her struggles. It is a must read. I hope to keep in touch with her. As I have said before, it is letters such as hers that keep me posting at this blog.

Had lunch with the guys, added a megamix to the blog as well as this post. I think I am going to turn on the stereo and listen to music, maybe nap, the afternoon away. Please check out Ellisya's blog at http://www.livelifelikeyouweredying.blogspot.com/ . I think you will get a great lesson in life. This lady is stronger than she gives herself credit for. (I mean that Ellisya). Maybe others will get strength from her life story.

November 19, 2009 Thursday Morning

First off I want to thank Megan for her help and comments. Thank you Megan. I went to the web sight and sure enough, we are not the only ones to get scammed. I posted a comment. Would love to see what you look like and talk via email if you have time. Write me at djones2659@att.net. Thanks again for your help and keeping up with my blog. I LOVE reading comments because then I know I am not wasting my time writing this blog.

Worked a half day yesterday. Went in to work and could not do the project I wanted to do for the day so I started an alternative project. Got it done by 1:30 and went home. I took Kali to work with me. I used to take her to work with me when I worked for this company in the past at a different location. She loves being with her daddy for the day. Of course the other dogs are not happy at all when I walk out the door with her and not them. She was such a good girl and either laid on the pillow and blanket I brought or following me around the building as I did things. When I got home I couldn't believe the bone headed move I made. Thank god Tony was home with an employee putting the plow on the truck for the winter. I pulled the car into the back alley, left Kali in the car as I grabbed a load to take to the back door since I knew it would take two trips. As I walked away from the car with my hands full with the first load, car running, Kali still in her chair, the car door slammed and my eyes went directly to the lock button to see the car had locked. Of course you would think we have a second set of keys, nope. I couldn't believe it. Kali locked in my car with the car running in the alley. My cell phone and house keys locked in the car with Kali. Like I said, Tony was home, so he jumped into another car and drove to his shop to get his tools for opening a locked car. About 20 minutes he returned and got the car open in less than a minute. All he said to me was 'remind me to yell at you later when I get home from work', with a chuckle. He never did mention it again. Times like this I know I need him. Got Kali in the house and car parked. Kali ran right for her water dish. What the hell? I didn't even think of giving her water while she was at work with me? This is NOT me. Thankfully it was a rainy day and if she was so thirsty she could have drank from a puddle the couple times we went outside for her to pee. But come on, I would never have forgot something like this in the past. My dogs have always come first. Always. Spent the rest of the afternoon leaving a total of 78 messages on our friend in California's message machine until it was finally full again. Little shit. It will cost him to f@ck with Tony and I. Seventy eight calls. I have a canned message on the computer and grab the house phone and cell phone and just keep calling leaving a 4 minute taped message. After Tony gets home I grab his cell phone also and have 3 phones leaving messages. He must have at least three telephone lines because I can call and leave 3 messages all at the same time. Little shit. Being an 866 number it don't cost us to call, but costs him with every call. I will get satisfaction. Guess it shows, you don't mess with Dave. Got to get showered and go to Walmart to pick up some sheets for the Spa I work for. Not worth buying good sheets we have learned in the past. The amount of times they use them in a day, they wear out the same. Have my monthly Advisory Board Meeting all this afternoon. Should be an interesting meeting because we last month all threatened to resign if our time didn't count for anything and nothing was ever getting accomplished. Guess a big wig from the agency will be at this meeting to answer our 'concerns'. Will write again soon. Looks like another cold rainy day in Milwaukee. I have a little upset stomach this morning, I hope the bowl of cereal I just ate will make it go away.

November 17, 2009 Tuesday Night

Monday I worked all day, came home once again very exhausted. Let the dogs out, started making calls to Tony's buddy in California, and got the mail. One letter to me was from Social Security. I was APPROVED. Yeah! But the damn government had the nerve to say I became disabled in July 2009 and since you have to wait 5 months to collect the benefit, I do not start getting Social Security until January of 2009. But bottom line, I was approved. The letter said I should get me first check the end of February. The fight is over, for the time being. The letter also stated I have to be re-evaluated in 5 to 7 years. What happens after 5 or 7 years and they denied me then? How do I find a job being out of the job market for 5 to 7 years? I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Made Tony and I a bowl of cereal for dinner. Tony was not happy with my lack of dinner. Lights out by 9:30 PM.

Went to work again today. Finished the weekly inventories and got some small projects completed. Came home to a letter from Wisconsin Food Share saying that because I was now receiving Social Security my monthly food benefit would be cut to almost nothing. Funny how quickly they can jump on these things, but when you filing it takes months or longer? Now I have to wonder how this will effect my Energy Allowance and my Health Insurance Reimbursement through ADAP. Jeez, I would hate to end up in worse financial shape because I am on Social Security? Have to do a lot of research and ask a lot of questions in the future to someone at Social Security. And get some very needed financial advice. Made a meat loaf, mashed potatoes and beans for dinner. After this blog I will just settle in for the night with the TV.

I should be so much more happy about the Social Security decision, not sure why I am not. The worst part is that it is NOT enough to live on. Not in any way. Guess I will have to keep Tony, just kidding. Goodnite.

November 15, 2009 Sunday Night

Friday I still felt pretty crappy. My face still was swollen from the saliva duct infection on the left side of my head. The swelling had gone down a bit. Went to lunch with the guys and spent the afternoon mixing music and taking pain pills for the pain. Went to bed early Friday night.

Saturday my face felt pretty much the same. When I don't eat it feels OK. The minute I eat anything and the saliva ducts react, my face swells and hurts like hell. Not fun to eat at all. Saturday afternoon we went to see the movie 2012 on the biggest movie screen in Wisconsin. It was a good movie. If you like disaster movies you would like this one. Spent Saturday night taking more pain pills and watching stuff we taped all week long.

Today we got up to a half Milwaukee Journal. Had to request a second delivery. Was missing most of the paper. Made eggs and bagels for breakfast and spent the morning continuing on mixing music while Tony napped on the couch. Got Tony off the couch and went to Big Lot the middle of the afternoon. Bought a bunch of stuff we didn't need. Then went to Walgreens and and the gas station to get the weeks worth of lottery tickets. Stopped off at George Webb's for a quick late lunch. Spent the afternoon watching TV. Watch the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It. Not a bad movie. Such a shame he is gone. Made soup and and some oven bites for dinner and now will just settle in for the night. I am hoping tomorrow my face will be better. It is so painful to eat. My face is so swollen I can not even touch my back teeth on the left side.

I plan on working Monday through Wednesday this week only again. I think it is best I just work 3 days a week. I keep my sanity much better and I am sure it is better for my health.

November 12, 2009 Thursday Morning

Taking the next four days off, laying low, have an infection in my saliva duct on my left side of my head.

I worked all day Monday doing mostly inventories like most Mondays. Have to count the entire warehouse on Monday's. Got home after 4 PM and after getting some stuff done around the house and feeding the dogs, I was out the door to a Bio Script dinner on HIV and AIDS. Monthly meeting that includes a nice dinner. Good information again on what our blood test results mean. Went to bed shortly after getting home, I was exhausted.

Tuesday I worked all day again, moving shelving and doing some changes around the warehouse. Lots of lifting and bending. My body ached by the time I got home. Made a quick dinner and settled in for the night in pain, I work too hard.

Wednesday I worked again all day, doing much the same as the day before. On my way home I stopped at Walgreen's to pick up another 20 Christmas cards I ordered on line since I already used up the first 60 I ordered. Every year I say I am going to cut back the Christmas card list and it still grows with each year. I take a new picture of the 'kids' every year and put it on a Christmas card. Some years the cards are better than others since it is not easy to get 4 or five dogs looking at the camera at once. Got a pretty good card this year. Started having problems with my left saliva duct shortly after getting home from Walgreen's. I have gotten this in the past. The saliva duct either gets a stone or from being inflamed, swells up and it is very painful. It usually lasts for about 3 or 4 days and an antibiotic cures it. Started an antibiotic last night. Got a message of a meeting on Atripla that night at Mo's Steak House. I take Atripla so I wanted to go and get the information and a good meal. By the time I left there and walked to my car I got cold chills to the max and had to sit in the car with the heat on for at least 15 minutes before I could move and put the car in reverse. By the time I got home the side of my face had swelled to a softball. Very painful. The saliva simply builds up and can not be released from the duct under your tongue. Sucking on lemon drops to stimulate the saliva duct all night and again this morning. Took an anti inflammatory and a pain pill and tried to go to bed. Was not easy to lay on the left side of my head/face.

This morning woke up feeling like crap. My face is still swollen, it will get worse as the day goes on I am sure, know from the past. As I eat or saliva is created it will continue to increase in size until the obstruction is gone or works it's way out. Kinda like kidney stones. Not fun. Going to lay low today. Get some housework done, but have no plans to even leave the house. Not going to be a fun day. My face is killing me.

November 8, 2009 Sunday Night

Saturday we laid around much of the day. Pretty much wasted it considering it was close to 70 degrees and we broke a record high for the day in temperature. Saturday night was my 30th class reunion. I was not looking forward to it in any way. I don't remember much about high school and the memories I have are better off forgotten. Met up with an old friend but other than that there was no one at the event I cared about or needed to see. Thank goodness the food was good. Lots to eat and Tony and I looked good. Wore our suits, no tie. We were the only gay couple, but the best looking couple at that.

Sunday we did some work around the house after reading the Sunday paper and making eggs, sausage and bagels for breakfast. Took all four dogs for a walk one at a time around the block, so I guess I got my exercises also. Went grocery shopping and watched TV this afternoon catching up on all the shows we tape. Looking forward to snuggling in with the dogs tonight and watching the ABC lineup.

I plan on working much of this week. I do have two meetings, one this Monday night, one on Wednesday night. I continue to call and fill up the voice mail of the person who scammed Tony out of $589.00. His mailbox is filled by the middle of the day because of me. It then is clear again so I know he is getting my messages. I think he just loves my voice. LOL. I know he just plans on never getting us our money. So this is my only satisfaction knowing it costs HIM every time I call his 866 number.

November 5, 2009 Thursday Night

Got my swine flu shot today.

I worked all day Wednesday until about 3 PM when I was exhausted and it was time to call it a day. Made a little dinner and went to be around 8 PM and watched the rest of the night's TV.

Today I had a 10:30 dental cleaning appointment. Got there and they had once again made a scheduling error, but were able to fit me in. Got my teeth nice and clean. Picked up my monthly food at the food bank which included a HUGE turkey. What the heck am I going to do with this? Me make a turkey? I think I will have to bribe someone into making us lunch or dinner some day. Picked up another roll of stamps to replace the one I lost last week. Still pissed off about loosing a $44 roll of stamps. Did a little house cleaning after making a bowl of Tomato soup for lunch. Then I took a couple hour nap prior to my 5 PM doctor appointment to get refills on meds. When I was in the room waiting for the doctor I asked the nurse when they would get swine flu shots. She said they got five shots in today and have two left. I was so happy. Got my swine flu shot. It is impossible to get one here in Milwaukee yet if your just the average person. They are saving the last shot for Tony if he goes in right away tomorrow morning to get it. We know our doctor well, Tony works on her car. She has to be the sweetest black lady I know. Got a full line of prescriptions filled with refills. Picked up some McDonalds on the way home and now just settling in for the night. Watching Fast Forward and the rest of the nights line up. Friday I have to take Stella back for a checkup on her knee surgery. She is doing great. Almost walking normal. Then lunch with the guys. Saturday is my 30th class reunion. Yuck!

November 3, 2009 Tuesday Night

Worked all day Monday. Came home exhausted. Had a good day, but worked very had doing inventories all day, numbers and adding. Watched a little TV at night but turned the TV off even before Castle was over on ABC. Tony was already snoring. Makes sense, since turning the clocks ahead an hour. Our bodies tell us it is an hour later. Sure wish the dogs could understand. They look at me at 4 PM the last two days, thinking it is 5 PM, and crying to get fed. I keep telling them, it isn't 5 PM yet. I did break down a bit early and feed them. Hopefully I can start to adjust it to 5 PM slowly.

Today I worked from 8:30 to 3 PM. Walked out feeling I was the only one really working. Also felt a bit under the weather. So after I fed the dogs I filled the jacuzzi tub and took a half hour bath with bubbles. Sure felt good. No, the walls still are not tiled, but the tub, sink and toilet work. Now I am just waiting for Tony to come home and I will most likely just make a frozen pizza. To tired to cook. Thinking about not going in to work tomorrow if I don't feel better.
My health has to come first. Plus, maybe work will realize just how much I do and how much I would be missed. Waiting on word from social security, will let you know the day I find out. Day's like today make me wish for it. I am totally exhausted and worn out. Looking forward to the premier of 'V' tonight on ABC, then Dancing With The Stars and The Good Wife, if I am still awake. Have a dental appointment for a cleaning Thursday morning and made an appointment to see my regular doctor since I haven't touched base with her in a long time since I mostly go to my Infectious Disease Doctor. Want to get on a swine flu list also. Heard the bell on the pizza oven. Have a good night.